Partner planning weekend away soon after birth

[bangbingbong]

Quite honestly not sure if IABU in being annoyed that my DP is currently planning a weekend away with his brother soon after I give birth.

My 2nd, DPs 1st, child due September 15th and he's currently planning a Friday - Monday trip away to Ibiza from the 27th September.

I've made it quite clear how I feel about this. That it's unfair to leave me so soon after I give birth, potentially by C-Section (my 1st was delivered by section and I was in for a week after delivery). He says it's not bad, that I'll have family for support and it's only for a couple of days.

I don't think I'm U at all but I guess I'm just looking for perspective. Would you be okay with this?

No way, never!! YANBU!

he just needs to change the date really . A birthday can be celebrated a bit later surely .

No way would I put up with this, crazy time to consider going away.

I just read that it's for a 21st birthday - how pathetic of him! My fiancé missed his own brother's wedding because it fell close to my due date and that's the way normal people behave! Tell him this if need be op, he's clearly in his own little bubble!

If he has to be with his brother on the actual birthday date, as opposed to going to Ibiza in, say, November, why can't he have a boys' night out where you live? Get a group o brother's friends together, and it will be fine. There is absolutely no need to go abroad when your baby will be so little (and, potentially, not yet born).

I just don't get these men who want to go away so soon after. My dh was smitten with all our kids and just wanted to be there with us all.

Just had another thought - why is the brother even inviting him / expecting / allowing him to come?!

Nothing is currently booked so I'm holding out some hope that I can talk sense into him.
@Leeds2 I'm going to offer him that as a suggestion, I'd be okay with a night away.

Ffs, no way. DH wouldn't have even considered it! I was ill for weeks after the birth as well, and needed all the help I could get.

the thing is he shouldn't want to go away like that. I just can't imagine dh fecking off happily when his first child was 2 weeks old. he'd have been miserable.

It sounds like he is completely clueless about newborns. My usually very sensible DH was desperate to book a holiday sailing for a week (staying on tiny boat) when Dc1 was 18 months. He couldn't see any potential difficulties at all...

What about if baby came early, you'd just had it, and he was due to go away for that one night - would he understand that he really shouldn't be going if that happens - that in fact he needs to understand that even if you agree you think it's ok for the one night, he needs to grow up and understand that the BABY and YOU come first, and that he might potentially need to cancel - the same as he would if you had some completely unexpected pregnancy-related illness and were hospitalised. Does he not realise that you and his unborn/due to be born/born baby are supposed to come first and if not, why not? If you were struck ill and hospitalised, would you be left languishing in the hospital whilst he was off away having a good time? I don't think all the permutations have gone through his mind yet - never mind the most obvious one of the baby being born and no one being able to tell (because it's not possible) exactly what date the baby will arrive on.

I genuinely don't think he's considered anything other than the baby coming on his due date. He is absolutely clueless about newborns and how physically demanding they can be.

Absolutely no way!!!

Nope, I wouldn’t be putting up with this. If this was my DP he’d be welcome to go with his brother - he wouldn’t be coming back home when he returned though. What a selfish prick.

For me it would be about whether or not you do actually have help available from family. My mum came down for a week after DD came home. If DH had organised a couple of nights away, I would have been ok with that.

When DD was in NICU he went for a two night conference at a swanky hotel. His mum came to take me to the hospital (I couldn’t drive at that point). I had someone to support me, he had a well earned break as it was a tough time for us and he was having to do a lot more running about and looking after me etc. It never occurred to me it would be a problem, as I had other people to help me.

So, I’d say unless you don’t have family help, YABU.

What came first the trip or the baby? Is it a special occasion? These would be mitigating factors for me. Although ultimately I'd want him not to want to go and feel miffed he was even still considering it.

Just read its not booked. It is a special occasion. He can celebrate with him some other time or they can go early as far as I can see.

So, I’d say unless you don’t have family help, YABU

He could miss the birth. She could be suffering birth injuries. She could have had a c section. This is not a business trip, it’s an overblown birthday party.

OP, it’s my DH’s 40th this year. We spent our 30ths doing amazing exciting things. For his 40th we are taking our DS to a consultant appointment and maybe out for dinner if we can find someone to babysit our twins. He’s going to be a father - other people’s birthdays are way down the list of priorities, and overseas birthday celebrations in places like Ibiza are really for those who don’t have young children and responsibilities.

Could you show him this thread?
He needs to get to grips with the fact that the pregnancy and baby isn't just something he gets to opt out of to go on a jolly. It's his responsibility and his baby too. Do not start this by letting him become the 'minor parent' and make you the 'default parent' as it will end up being that way forever, trust me I know from experience of having been responsible for the majority of care for my two for a long time.

I agree it's a 'setting a precedent' matter and it's a precedent that you don't want to be setting. It gets things totally off on the wrong foot.

He needs to wake up, smell the coffee and get his head out of his ass.

Being a bloke, you'll need to spell out all the possibilities from baby not arriving on due date thru to serious ill health late pregnancy/damaging labour, serious problems with baby immediately after birth (not saying any of these things will happen but for me, cluelessness about even simple things like babies can come on any date they fancy, his just not WANTING to be there shows someone who really doesn't get it).

Mind you, if the Ibiza birthday boy isn't saying don't be stupid, you're going to be having a baby, what are you talking about coming to Ibiza for, then he doesn't sound like much cop either!

Is he normally such a cunt? Wake up time for him. You could be having his baby whilst he’s in the air, you could desperately need his advocacy if things don’t go to plan. Tell him if he wants to be part of this child’s life he can start prioritising his child over a 21st birthday party

When my DS was born I was in high dependency and DS in nicu both fighting for our lives, would he put down his cocktail then and think maybe he should have stayed home?

Realise I'm in the minority here but DH had cup final tickets the year DD was born . She was due 2 days beforehand. I organised a back up plan, in the event she arrived 3 weeks early and he went while I had a 2 year old and a 3 week old. Genyuinely didn't fuss too much. It's give and take - and 20 years on we're still giving and taking

The cup final is at least in the same country though, and is one day. Worst case scenario he was only going to be away for a certain limited number of hours, even if you live in the north east!