Pissed off with DM

[Baddabo]

Had DM for lunch today.

I've had a shit week. Both my one year old and me have been poorly. My house turned into a shit tip. Spent yesterday cleaning it from top to bottom as well as working on the garden. We moved house mid April so we've been pretty busy of late, DIY, the garden, etc. as well as working, looking after the baby and keeping on top of the house work.

I was looking forward to when DM leaves, cleaning up the kitchen, doing a bit of washing and then taking an hour to myself to have a nice bath whilst DH puts the baby to bed then the two of us could finally have a nice evening together. We haven't had one since we moved in and we are finally pretty much finished with everything, save a few small things.

But DM has decided to drink over 3/4 of a bottle of wine. I was actually advised on a thread previously, (have name changed since) that it sounds like shes a functioning alcoholic. But anyway, she now can't drive herself home. I phoned a taxi company but they couldnt do the trip tonight. I was going to phone around but DM insists she wants my DH to drive her home and she would give him the money instead of a taxi. I don't care for money. I want my evening that I was looking forward to! The baby has had to stay home with me because if he falls asleep in the car at this time, we won't get him to sleep later. He's a bit needy still since he's been poorly so I can't really do the bits I wanted to do without DH here keeping an eye on him.

The trip is 45 minutes each way depending on traffic and it's now going to be another bloody late evening for us. Oh, and DM expects DH to pick her up again tomorrow and bring her back to get her car, so that's tomorrow morning lost too.

Really pissed off.

What coping strategies have you got for next time ? Eg we can’t collect you we have to be up at 6am to go to a theme park etc?.

Or just stop having her round.

Did you send her home in a taxi last night though?

but both DH and I have agreed it won't EVER be happening again
until next time, and the next time, and the next time. Honestly OP, you had the perfect opportunity to put your foot down as she wasn't actually in front of you but a phone call away, and yet you still wussed out. She's got you sussed - she can treat you like crap and you'll keep putting up with it.

@Baddabo - FriarTuck is being very blunt but is 100% speaking the truth here. Only you can remedy this repeating situation.
Stop answering the phone to her.
Stop being her punch bag
Take it one thing/situation at a time but over time you will become the stronger, more self aware, more self assured woman that you are (just not with her at the moment but it will come with time).
Tell her "No". If you don't think you're strong enough to say no to her, couch it in different language "that doesn't suit us", "we're unable to help this time", "you'll have to order your own taxi to collect you/bring you back to collect your car", "We're busy". You are under no pressure to expand on any of those responses. She doesn't need to know what you're up to and I guess you are sharing a lot of your day-to-day family stuff with her. Cut back on that too.

So what if she stops talking to you for some length of time? Surely that is quiet time and you'll be much happier without her nagging you all the time.

FriarTuck is being very blunt
Yes, possibly too blunt - sorry OP, it wasn't meant to be shitty, just a little friendly shake to say 'seriously, don't let her do this, listen to Mumsnet!'

It’s very hard to change the habits of a lifetime, OP, but it can be done. Much to my own surprise, in fact! And I’ve felt so much better since going low contact with my DM. You just need to remind yourself that you’re a grown woman and she can only control you if you let her.

You can do it, OP

I agree with Friar and Whatcha. Your mum didn't make your husband drive her, he chose to drive her. She doesn't make you listen to her insults and shouting, you choose to. Stop seeing yourself as a helpless victim and start seeing yourself as someone with agency.

It doesn't sound as though you and DM have a good relationship or that she was welcome at your home. As you say, you couldn't wait to get rid of her. She probably sensed that and decided to sit on her own in the garden and have a couple of glasses of wine. But then left herself marooned as at least she is sufficiently responsible not to drink and drive.

I agree with those who suggest meeting on neutral territory next time, maybe without the distraction of DC and try to have a heart to heart and get your relationship on a more mature adult to adult footing.

This is so frustrating. I get it that she makes life incredibly difficult if you stand up to her, but there are so many ways you can protect yourself, e.g. by not inviting her, by blocking her on the phone, by telling her that she won't be allowed in your house if she brings booze, or that there is no possibility whatsoever that your husband is going to drive anywhere. Maybe before you put any of that in place you have one conversation with her when you warn her of the consequences if she carries on as she is, and put that also in an email so she can't deny she's been warned.