Pissed off with DM

[Baddabo]

Had DM for lunch today.

I've had a shit week. Both my one year old and me have been poorly. My house turned into a shit tip. Spent yesterday cleaning it from top to bottom as well as working on the garden. We moved house mid April so we've been pretty busy of late, DIY, the garden, etc. as well as working, looking after the baby and keeping on top of the house work.

I was looking forward to when DM leaves, cleaning up the kitchen, doing a bit of washing and then taking an hour to myself to have a nice bath whilst DH puts the baby to bed then the two of us could finally have a nice evening together. We haven't had one since we moved in and we are finally pretty much finished with everything, save a few small things.

But DM has decided to drink over 3/4 of a bottle of wine. I was actually advised on a thread previously, (have name changed since) that it sounds like shes a functioning alcoholic. But anyway, she now can't drive herself home. I phoned a taxi company but they couldnt do the trip tonight. I was going to phone around but DM insists she wants my DH to drive her home and she would give him the money instead of a taxi. I don't care for money. I want my evening that I was looking forward to! The baby has had to stay home with me because if he falls asleep in the car at this time, we won't get him to sleep later. He's a bit needy still since he's been poorly so I can't really do the bits I wanted to do without DH here keeping an eye on him.

The trip is 45 minutes each way depending on traffic and it's now going to be another bloody late evening for us. Oh, and DM expects DH to pick her up again tomorrow and bring her back to get her car, so that's tomorrow morning lost too.

Really pissed off.

just ring round and get her a bloody taxi!!

If she chews your ear off and you're in the same room, get her coat/bag, hand them to her, open your front door and kick her out. Tell her she is not allowed back into your house until the apologises for her behaviour and behaves better.
Stand up for yourself and your DH and your children. It's not a good environment for them to grow up seeing how little their grandmother thinks of their mother.
If she chews your ear off and you're on the phone, say to her "Mum, I'm going to hang up the phone now as I don't deserve to be spoken to in this way".
Ignore her throwing her tantrum.
Stand up for yourself.
I realise that I've already said that but you have to change how you react to her behaviour and if she doesn't speak to you for a while, you should enjoy the freedom and peace and quiet that you get as a result.

Hi Baddabo - your mother’s a bitch and is a bully. You are entitled to do what you want when you want.
I can see it’s clearly hard to stick up for yourself and set your own boundaries.
Look up the survivors of dysfunctional families thread and keep reading it. You can actually go no contact with her.🌺

don`t tell dm. just sort one and put her in it when it arrives!

I have been standing up for myself gradually more and more over the last few years.

If I stand up for myself over the phone she hangs up then either phones me the next day and acts like everything is normal or phones me the next day and chews my ear off about how mean and nasty I am and she won't put up with it and that's why she hung up on me, etc.

She came to my house a few weeks ago and started bitching about a few things that she didn't like or thought I could do better, etc. So I told her if she didn't like it she knew where the door was. So she left without so much as a goodbye, then phoned me the following day acting as though everything was normal and then briefly in passing a few days later said to me, "did you tell your DH that I walked out the other day after you were so vile to me?" I was

I recommend the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board; it’s been a great source of support for those of us who come from dysfunctional families.

You and your DH need to learn to say no to your DM. It’s hard at first, but it is liberating once you learn to stand up for yourself. Because you are an adult and if you say no to her she won’t like it, but there’s nothing she can do about it.

I had to learn this with my DM.

I’d go with the ‘you and DH have too much to drink to drive her home’ suggestion! What can she say? But in future you do need to start asserting some boundaries. I know it’s not easy when it’s a parent but like PPs have said, it will get easier the more you do it and she will learn your line in the sand! I had this with my Mother, she had a tantrum at me and didn’t speak to me for a couple of years because of a choice my DH and I made but I didn’t back down and she eventually realised I wasn’t going to. We speak now but that incident will always be the elephant in the room. I don’t care, I love her but had to stand my ground. I would have been full of self loathing if I’d allowed her to dictate that situation.

No. You can't control her alcoholism, but you can stop pandering to her. If it is hard to do that, choose one this time. Either get her a taxi from another firm tonight, or make her get one (or you pick her up, don't warn her in advance) in the morning. But do something. You have to start and you know that.

It will be easier after this first time.

I reckon you and your DP had better make plans to go out tomorrow. Text her just before you leave saying you've left the keys on the front right wheel and then go. Leave the mobiles at home.

OP, I completely understand why it's difficult for you to be assertive with your DM. Some posters just won't get it, but when you spend your whole life being manipulated, guilt tripped and controlled by a parent it becomes your 'normal'. By the time you grow up and realise that other people's parents aren't like this and that it's not ok, the dynamics between you are so deeply ingrained it's really tough to break the habit of a lifetime. The thing is, it can be done. It's painful and it doesn't happen overnight, but it can be done. As a starting point, I would agree with your DH that the lunch invitations stop from here on in. You can meet DM for lunch an equal distance from both your houses (I'm guessing she's less likely to make a scene in public) or you can go to her, that way you get to choose when you leave. It's a small thing but it gives you back that little bit of control.

Does your DH know how detrimental your Mum's behaviour is to you and how difficult you find it to stand up to her? If he's a relatively strong character perhaps agree that he will take the lead when it comes to saying 'no' to her. Tomorrow, for example, you could choose to go out for the day and have DH text your Mum telling her that he can't pick her up and bring her to collect her car as you've all gone out, she's welcome to collect it whenever she likes but she'll have to get a taxi. Then both of you turn your phones off so you don't have to deal with the inevitable shitty calls and messages that will follow.

When you manage to stand up to your DM and she creates drama (gets angry, cries, becomes distressed, whatever) you need to think of it like a toddler having a tantrum because they haven't gotten their way. The general consensus in that situation is that you ignore the poor behaviour, you certainly don't reward it by backing down. It doesn't mean you don't love your toddler, it just means you're not going to let them dictate what happens. So let her have her tantrum, it will be unpleasant and uncomfortable, but it will pass. Eventually, she will get the message that tantrumming isn't having the desired effect.

You said it's easier to do what she says. But it isn't is it?? Otherwise you wouldn't be posting.

You didn't have to stand up to her as such, just kind of ignore her and keep phoning round the taxi companies. One turns up and you shove her into it.

Why moan about her demands buggering up your morning when you do nothing to stop it? Tell her you are busy and to get a taxi over. Unless she suffers from her own bad behaviour she won't stop.

Your poor husband. Imagine if some woman wrote on here about her husband making her drive his mother around because he couldn't stand up to her.

Please try.

Her choice to drink, her problem how to get home. Personally i'd make her crash on the sofa and enjoy being woken by a baby every two hours.

You HAVE that courage inside of you to confront your mother maybe Al-Anon meetings could help give you strategies. They're free and open to all affected by substance abuse

Ok, so she hangs up on you when she's pissed off - ace! After that she then pretends nothing has happened, or phones you to rant - also ace - here's a suggested plan.

Wait until she's home (ie wait until there is a phone between you and her) and then call/text her and say DH can't drive her tomorrow, but here's some taxi numbers and as she saved on the fare tonight, that'll do her for tomorrow. Hopefully this prompts her to hang up in a strop, in which case, job done, go out for the day tomorrow/be in the garden/don't answer the front door no matter what. If she rants at you rather than hanging up, you say calmly "I won't be shouted at, so I'm going to end this call now." and then you hang up the phone. Screen any further calls and don't answer any from her. Hopefully she then ignore you for a while and then acts like nothing's happened. But if she phones and starts ranting, repeat the same tactic - polite refusal to be shouted at and the phone gets put down.

Hugs

It's one thing pandering to her when it's just you and your dh, but you now have a child. My child has been able to see through my mother for years, and tells me to stand up for myself, and if I don't, he does (and that caused dm not talking to me for three weeks!). Ds is an adult now btw.

We are moving back to UK this year after 13 years abroad, and dm thinks I am moving back to be her bitch, as is dh. She will be in for a rude awakening, as dh is very firm that that will not be happening.

Watch for the fireworks over West Devon from October onwards!!

Phone her a cab tonight and she can phone herself one tomorrow! Or download the Uber app and book that way.

@Baddabo - what did you end up doing? Did you get her a taxi last night or did your DH drive her home? Please tell us she got a taxi back to you this morning to collect her car, it's the very least she could have done.

As for her mood swings, and that is what I interpreted what you described as, just hang up the phone and ignore her when she goes off on a rant. Your brain and stress levels will appreciate the silence. I guarantee it.
When she can behave in a rational manner to you and you don't intend to jump because she says to, then you'll be on a more level playing field. At the moment if she says for you to jump, your defacto reply seems to be How high? You have to break that habit and conditioning you now find yourself in.

Don't have your Dh going back to get her today. She is an adult and can organise to collect it herself. A short text saying 'Dh can't make it to collect you today'. You don't need excuses etc. You do realise you don't even have to answer the phone to her, let alone listen to her chewing your ear off. Hang up, don't answer, let her piss off, your decision. Time to bite back OP. You will feel stronger for it in the long run. And stop inviting her over for dinner. She shouldn't be driving after one glass, let alone 3/4 of the bottle.

So she had two large glasses of wine at lunchtime?

Your DH has a mil and DW problem.
Start standing up to her for his and your child’s sake if not your own.

i'd book her in to the nearest bnb/hotel - and she pays for it!

For future - make it very clear to her that she is NOT ALLOWED to have more than one glass of alcohol at your house if she's driving.
I'd actually make a point of taking the drink away from her after she's poured herself a glass.

She's making her alcoholism your problem - and that isn't acceptable.
Also, next time she cuts you off like that in the middle of an argument etc, don't let her act like it never happened the next time she talks to you.
Make sure you bring it up and act like a jog with a bone - don't give up and let it slide.

You're enabling her by not standing up to her.
I also would have told her that my husband was NOT driving her home because we already have plans - so she can either get a taxi or book herself into a bnb.

I think I'd just make it as difficult as possible for her to get her car back 😁 ask DH to take her home but then tomorrow call he and say DH can't come and get her because he's not well/hungover and you'd come but you know she doesn't like your driving. You'll call her in the afternoon and let her know... Do the same in the afternoon and the next morning. She'll get a cab to collect it in the end.

What was the outcome then OP?

We screwed it up. Yep, we picked DM up this morning and brought her back here to collect her car but both DH and I have agreed it won't EVER be happening again.

Is this the first time you've said you'll never do something again?

You did screw up. You can only learn from it: either to keep giving into her poor behaviour or to stand up for your family.