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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed off with DM

84 replies

Baddabo · 26/05/2019 18:09

Had DM for lunch today.

I've had a shit week. Both my one year old and me have been poorly. My house turned into a shit tip. Spent yesterday cleaning it from top to bottom as well as working on the garden. We moved house mid April so we've been pretty busy of late, DIY, the garden, etc. as well as working, looking after the baby and keeping on top of the house work.

I was looking forward to when DM leaves, cleaning up the kitchen, doing a bit of washing and then taking an hour to myself to have a nice bath whilst DH puts the baby to bed then the two of us could finally have a nice evening together. We haven't had one since we moved in and we are finally pretty much finished with everything, save a few small things.

But DM has decided to drink over 3/4 of a bottle of wine. I was actually advised on a thread previously, (have name changed since) that it sounds like shes a functioning alcoholic. But anyway, she now can't drive herself home. I phoned a taxi company but they couldnt do the trip tonight. I was going to phone around but DM insists she wants my DH to drive her home and she would give him the money instead of a taxi. I don't care for money. I want my evening that I was looking forward to! The baby has had to stay home with me because if he falls asleep in the car at this time, we won't get him to sleep later. He's a bit needy still since he's been poorly so I can't really do the bits I wanted to do without DH here keeping an eye on him.

The trip is 45 minutes each way depending on traffic and it's now going to be another bloody late evening for us. Oh, and DM expects DH to pick her up again tomorrow and bring her back to get her car, so that's tomorrow morning lost too.

Really pissed off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Baddabo · 26/05/2019 18:31

I'd love to tell her to get a taxi tomorrow but the issue I have is that I struggle to stand up to her. There's most likely a large backstory here with a complex and probably damaging relationship involved but the jist of it is that it causes far less emotional distress, far less aggravation, far less problems, to 99% just agree with her and do as she says.

I'm slowly getting better at putting my foot down and saying no to her, especially now I have a DC of my own but it isn't easy. She can be bloody hard work.

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/05/2019 18:33

@Baddabo sounds like my DP's Mum. Does what she wants and everyone has to go along with it whether they like it or not.

You're going to have to stand up for yourself or you're going to end up having enough. My DP just ignores his DM now and it's quite sad however it's the only way he can cope with her.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Ratatatouille · 26/05/2019 18:35

I was going to phone around but DM insists she wants my DH to drive her home

and DM expects DH to pick her up again tomorrow and bring her back to get her car

It would have been fairer for me to take her as shes my mother but she refuses to get in the car with me

You need to get tough. You are letting her trample all over you. Start telling her no. "No, DH can't take you home as we have plans tonight. You need to sort a lift or a taxi". "No, DH can't pick you up in the morning. You need to sort a lift or a taxi". She won't like it, but you need to learn to be OK with her not liking your response. And don't feel that you need lots of excuses either. It's perfectly legitimate to refuse to spend 2 hours driving around after a grown adult even when the alternative is lazing on your sofa stuffing your face with biscuits. You don't have to have a reason.

If you have hang ups from your childhood that make it impossible for you to stand your ground with your mother then you need to address that. Otherwise this miserable situation will continue indefinitely I'm afraid. There are lots of threads on here with brilliant advice for those with toxic parents.

Iloveacurry · 26/05/2019 18:36

Tell to fuck off and call around for a taxi.

Ratatatouille · 26/05/2019 18:36

X post

What are you afraid will happen if you stand up to her? How do you see that conversation going?

Namastbae · 26/05/2019 18:38

I would be pissed off too. That sucks.
No advice, just

CruellaFeinberg · 26/05/2019 18:41

@Baddabo come on, you can do this - tell her no!

you have the power of mumsnet behind you

DointItForTheKids · 26/05/2019 18:41

It's in your power OP to change the situation, the one today and future ones. If you really genuinely want that time, you CAN have it.

Your mum appears to be a long-term alcoholic - they are by definition selfish to their own needs and don't give a shit the effect on anyone else.

Taxi. Taxi. Taxi. Taxi.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/05/2019 18:44

Get your DH to drop her home and on the drive to tell her (not negotiable) that she will be organising a taxi in the morning for her to come and collect her car as it is not your (as in you or your DH) responsibility to be her on-call taxi firm. She wants to collect her car because she was drinking, she does that herself.
Actually when she said that she would give your DH the money she would spend on a taxi, that was the opportunity to say "But MiL, you'll need that money for tomorrow morning when you are paying your for your taxi in order to collect your car".

Original poster

Baddabo · 26/05/2019 18:44

I was called selfish and had to listen to her chewing my ear off for over half an hour about how I need to think more, be more considerate and less selfish, etc. because I didn't invite her to lunch the first bank holiday weekend in May. For context, I didnt invite anyone to lunch that weekend. DH and I had planned to spend the weekend sorting the garden out but the weather was shit so we didn't end up doing anything but apparently I'm not allowed to cook a roast without inviting her.

DH likes her but finds it difficult to spend large amounts of time with her (I imagine hes secretly behind 90% of the MIL bashing threads on here) they have a history whereby she once told him to fuck off and then didnt speak to him for two months all because he told her "I refuse to play piggy in the middle" when DM and I fell out and she phoned him and started ranting about all the ways I needed to improve. She also has a tendency to pass disparaging marks when she's here about the way we chose to live or she interferes with cooking the dinner or starts randomly cleaning things, etc. It all infuriates DH.

OP posts:

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/05/2019 18:46

You could do it now, in a kind of "Do you know something, MiL, I've been thinking about what you said earlier about the money for a taxi...well, we wont be able to collect you tomorrow for you to come back and get your car so you had better use that money for your taxi then. DH will drop you back tonight but that's going to be the last time he's going to do that, if you decide to drink while you're here."
Be brave. We've got your back!

EKGEMS · 26/05/2019 18:47

You're determined to have an excuse no matter what anyone suggests here so why bother posting? Until you assert yourself nothing will change

BarrenFieldofFucks · 26/05/2019 18:48

You're busy tomorrow. What she does about her car is up to her.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/05/2019 18:48

Sorry, only spotting that it's your DM and not MiL that we're discussing. Same advice applies.

CruellaFeinberg · 26/05/2019 18:49

I was called selfish and had to listen to her chewing my ear off for over half an hour about how I need to think more Yeah, you need to think more about being out drinking with no way to get home.... oh wait a minute...…..
I hope your DH is not driving her hoem

you could always get a taxi, but not tell her, and when she goes outside to get in DHs car, say oh look theres your taxi

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/05/2019 18:49

Tbh my dh wouldn’t stand for anyone slagging me off either.

Why are you having her over for lunch? We don’t have people for lunch.

Eliza9919 · 26/05/2019 18:50

I'd have refused to drive her and put her in a taxi, ring found til you found one.

Tough shit to she wants your DH to drive her. He had plans.

Original poster

Baddabo · 26/05/2019 18:52

@EKGEMS Maybe I am making excuses. Maybe I posted as a way of trying to reach out for support in gaining the courage to assert myself. I don't know.

I was trying to explain though, why for me, it's easier said the done.

OP posts:

Almostfifty · 26/05/2019 18:53

I'd ignore her and go low contact. She's your Mother, don't let her walk all over you.

PepsiLola · 26/05/2019 18:53

Jesus! Why do you tolerate her?

PepsiLola · 26/05/2019 18:54

I know she's your mother, but she's not acting very motherly so why are you treating her like one

FriarTuck · 26/05/2019 18:54

Another vote for her getting a taxi tomorrow (or better still tonight too). Don't tell her today, just wait until she rings tomorrow to ask when she's being picked up and tell her she needs to get a taxi as you're both busy. And when she's rude to you just put the phone down on her and don't answer it again. Make sure the doors are locked so that when she comes over in the taxi she can't get in. Job done.
And if you can't face telling her on the phone then send her a text early tomorrow morning.

diddl · 26/05/2019 18:56

Has your huband told her no he won't drive her?

How can she stop you phoning other taxi firms??!!

She doesn't deserve to see you imo, nor have lunch cooked for her.

PanamaPattie · 26/05/2019 18:56

I don't understand. Get her a taxi. Tell her to get another taxi tomorrow to pick up her car. Don't pander to her. Don't invite her to lunch again. Go to hers so you can leave when she pisses you off. Toughen up.

FriarTuck · 26/05/2019 18:57

I was trying to explain though, why for me, it's easier said the done.
It is easier said than done BUT once you've done it once it gets easier. Find the easiest way to do it the first time - text, email, answerphone message, DP making the call, whatever. Baby steps, but say no. And if she can't get hold of you directly then she can't insult you - and if you don't answer the phone / door etc. she can't get hold of you directly....

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