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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you feel offended?

108 replies

Lovelysunshine · 26/05/2019 16:13

I just want to keep my story short, but hopefully make myself clear enough. My mother (who is a bit narcissistic btw) bought some clothes for my DD when she was a baby, 3 items. She sent them from abroad where she lives. They were cheap and cheap looking (with poor finish and shiny colourful stuff on them) but I thanked her and kept them in our wardrobe.

Now she’s outgrown them and last summer the weather was so hot, she would not have worn them anyway. Last night my mother is asking me online if my DD is still too small for those clothes and I told her she’s outgrown them already and she didn’t get a chance to wear them. She said: oh, that’s a shame.

Now, almost 24 hours later she is writing me an attacking email that she spent one and a half of her pension (a total lie as I know how much she’s paid) and I decided not to use them, she is totally offended and picking a a fight. I am gobsmacked. AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/05/2019 17:04

Far too much armchair diagnosis of Narcissism on MN. It's really not that common.

This ^^

It's often Mumsnet code for 'I don't get one with that person'.

And even then, that's often six of one and half a dozen of the other.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2019 17:05

*on

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/05/2019 17:05

You were unkind and she’s overreacted.

Dippypippy1980 · 26/05/2019 17:06

I would be stung if someone said my gifts had gone to waste. I think you were a bit rude.

Maybe a quick email to apologise and diffuse the situation.

ChristmasFluff · 26/05/2019 17:07

Yeah, learning moment Flowers

Whenever someone gives you a present of clothes, you stick the baby in them (even if you know they will puke or poo over them in 5 minutes time), take the photo, send off with thanks, and then remove clothes and continue with day. Use clothes appropriately when/if able, and send more photos in that case.

Saves so much hassle.

quizqueen · 26/05/2019 17:11

Anyone who says she spent more than her pension ( unless they only receive a token few pounds) on baby clothes needs to be called out for the drama queen she is.

Original poster
Lovelysunshine · 26/05/2019 17:28

Ok, before this gets really rude and personal, I should give you some background. This is the grandmother who didn’t buy anything for her grand daughter for the first 5 months of her life. It didn’t occur to her that she should. Then when my DD was 5 months, after seeing hundreds of photos she said: oh, she’s got many lovely clothes. I said to her we received a lot from my DH’s relatives and plus we bought her a lot of things too. Then she had a lightbulb moment when she realised she got her nothing as a grandmother. So she panicked and went to the first shop in the village and bought whatever she could find - winter clothes, considering summer was already in full swing and wedding clothes. No thought put into them at all. Panic buy. I paid for the postage.

When I was little I grew up in my sisters old clothes. I remember I had one pair of trousers for 4 years that weren’t sisters old trousers that she’s outgrown while my mother was designing herself beaver and Arctic Fox coats that cost an arm and a leg because that was the fashion back then. My step dad dared to buy me a pair of jeans during that time and she went mental. I had to be punished and reminded of that for a year.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 26/05/2019 17:30

Nice drip feed.

Amibeingdaft81 · 26/05/2019 17:34

Oh and here’s be drip feed Hmm

Original poster
Lovelysunshine · 26/05/2019 17:35

Excuse my MN ignorance, what is the drip feed?

OP posts:
BlueJava · 26/05/2019 17:39

I don't think your update makes much difference... it's fair enough to say your DC has outgrown what she sent. But when you receive things from her just dress up DC, quick pic, send to mum with "Thanks so much she loves it". Relationship intact and zero hassle.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/05/2019 17:42

My mother has form for buying clothes for my family that she knows are just slightly wrong, I think it's so that she can be righteously offended by my ingratitude. So when she bought a very girly embroidered top for my first son, or something that she knew wouldn't fit or clothes for the wrong season I just enthused about how lovely they were then quietly sold them on eBay. After a few years she stopped buying gifts for my children at all, which is fine with me.

With difficult people the secret often lies in removing the drama. Unfortunately you have fed the beast and it may take a while for it to calm down.

Cynderella · 26/05/2019 17:43

You've been thoughtless and hurt your mum's feelings. Apologise sincerely and move on. If you can't make a genuine apology, I suspect this will be the beginning of something ugly. Look at it as an unfortunate incident, not something to add to a crime sheet.

Cariadne · 26/05/2019 17:44

She’s being ridiculous but I don’t know why you told her she’d never worn them? Just seems needlessly cruel!

greenwaterbottle · 26/05/2019 17:49

She bought inappropriate clothes but I'd have lied and said she wore them to a party etc.
Not sure your drip feed was relevant as I'd have done the same for anyone.

EleanorReally · 26/05/2019 17:54

You sound very precious

EleanorReally · 26/05/2019 17:55

She rushed out to buy clothes about which you are ungrateful

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/05/2019 17:59

Any chance you could sell them on EBay and use the money for something your DD loves? Grandma could get the credit that way.

UmpetyLumpety · 26/05/2019 18:14

My MIL lives (thankfully) a long way from us and likes to knit with horribly coloured itchy wool. DD hates wool, drives her to distraction. So, for the past ten years, she has asked for DD's measurements, which we send. Back comes some hideous jumper or cardigan, usually with a roll neck and sleeves that are too long by about 10 inches! But, despite the fact she hates me with a passion and has been nothing but mean to me, I realise she loves DD and has spent a lot of time knitting something which she is proud of. So, we get DD to put it on, smile and we take photos and send them off. DD is now old enough to be in on the deception and always emails Granny to say thank you.

No harm, no foul, it's called appreciation!

Wolfiefan · 26/05/2019 18:20

My mum has never bought clothes for my kids. There’s no “should” about it. Hmm
Not sure what your trousers have to do with it. Confused
You clearly don’t like her. It’s mean to say your child never wore the gift. I would assume it was intended to hurt rather than merely thoughtless.

tinnitusqueen · 26/05/2019 18:23

If it's your mum's first grandchild it is a bit understandable if she needed some inspiration to get down to gift buying. The thought was there, please don't be too cross with her. Why not tell her what you need for your baby next time and say you'll keep they items already given, for baby no 2?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/05/2019 19:31

MIL bought DS some winter things I wasn't a fan of, they were 3-6 months but DS is diddy so even now they're big for him and he's six months old and the weather is not for winter woollens. By the time it gets cold enough for him to wear them again he will be ten months and they'll probably be too small. DH has explained to her the sizes on the label don't mean he'll fit them at that age, it is just average and some shops are bigger etc. So I completely get where you're coming from, unless I put DS in a snow suit in July he won't wear them. So whilst there not to my taste it's not even about that, they're just not suitable. Maybe don't even mention you don't like them, just explain the above.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/05/2019 19:33

*they're

Original poster
Lovelysunshine · 26/05/2019 19:36

I sound arrogant, precious, mean and I wanted to hurt my mother. Thanks for that!

I have bought my DD lots of clothes and about 15% of them didn’t get worn. Also received some lovely dresses from my Dh’s family that she didn’t get to wear. Why? Because the weather turned out different to what I expected and it was easier to dress her in a one piece and short leggings, considering we were just going to the park and baby groups.

With my DM, she knew what kind of summer we had as she lives in a country with very hot summers, I mean over 40 degrees for at least 3 months. All I told her was that she unfortunately didn’t get a chance to wear them, assuming she knew what I meant. Obviously she didn’t and I definitely learnt a lesson.

Also we buy our relatives’ children lots of clothes. We tend to get them from more upmarket shops, but of course just because we think they are nice, I don’t expect them to have the same taste. Sometimes we see the children wear them and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we get pics of them wearing them and sometimes we don’t. Did I ever take offence? Never. It’s their gift to do whatever they want. Whenever I can I provide a gift receipt so that they can exchange and sometimes they do. I’d rather them do that, than send me a pic and then take them to the charity shop or eBay.

I’m keeping everything at the moment as we are planning baby no 2, but if it doesn’t happen it’ll all go to the charity shop.

OP posts:
GPatz · 26/05/2019 19:44

I was dressed in my cousin's old clothes as a child which were then passed onto my sister. I am dressing DD is DS's old neutral clothes. I am sure my Mother bought herself new clothes just as I do during this time. There's nothing wrong with using clothes sustainably.