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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you feel offended?

108 replies

Lovelysunshine · 26/05/2019 16:13

I just want to keep my story short, but hopefully make myself clear enough. My mother (who is a bit narcissistic btw) bought some clothes for my DD when she was a baby, 3 items. She sent them from abroad where she lives. They were cheap and cheap looking (with poor finish and shiny colourful stuff on them) but I thanked her and kept them in our wardrobe.

Now she’s outgrown them and last summer the weather was so hot, she would not have worn them anyway. Last night my mother is asking me online if my DD is still too small for those clothes and I told her she’s outgrown them already and she didn’t get a chance to wear them. She said: oh, that’s a shame.

Now, almost 24 hours later she is writing me an attacking email that she spent one and a half of her pension (a total lie as I know how much she’s paid) and I decided not to use them, she is totally offended and picking a a fight. I am gobsmacked. AIBU?

OP posts:

mimibunz · 26/05/2019 16:41

Ignore the email but I have a narcissistic parent and I won’t lie to them. I completely disagree that OP should lie. Why? For the sake of being nice and sparing too fragile feelings? She should be able to tell the truth and not get attacked.

Original poster

Lovelysunshine · 26/05/2019 16:41

Ok, thanks everyone. First of all2 of the items were party/wedding kind of dresses. When I got them I told her we never really go to parties (at 6 months) so not very likely she’s will wear the dresses.

The 3rd item was trousers that were for winter, last summer was scorching. So I just assumed she understood that. Obviously truth is not the best policy.

OP posts:

EdWinchester · 26/05/2019 16:42

Agree with others, you could’ve said she wore them and outgrew them. You were unnecessarily unkind.

janetforpresident · 26/05/2019 16:43

You should have said she's outgrown them but got some wear out of them. Ideally you should have let her wear them. If we get a gift that's not to my taste I always put my kids in them at least once and take pics. You can do it on a day you are just hanging out in the house or even just for a couple of hours between changes.

It was unkind to tell her she never wore them and whether they were cheap or expensive makes no difference your mother still made an effort to get a gift for her baby grandchild and has a right to feel hurt.

EleanorReally · 26/05/2019 16:43

Will you at least apologise?

Mishappening · 26/05/2019 16:44

My mother bought a ghastly dress for my firstborn DD - all white nylon and layers of frills.

When my mother visited I put DD in this dress and carried her into the living room and my OH said: "Good God, what is she wearing? - she looks like a chimpanzee!" Oops!

janetforpresident · 26/05/2019 16:44

So when you received them you basically told her you didn't want them!?

You are far too honest. Have you ever heard of tact.

BorisBadunov · 26/05/2019 16:44

YABU for saying your mother is narcissistic, there’s absolutely nothing in your post that points to that, so it’s either not true or not relevant. The constant diagnosis of older women (it’s almost always mums/MILs) as narcissists on MN does my head in.

YABU telling your mum that the clothes weren’t worn. That’s just cruel.

honeyrider · 26/05/2019 16:45

You were mean and rude, no wonder your mother's upset.

janetforpresident · 26/05/2019 16:46

She should be able to tell the truth and not get attacked
Yes she shouldn't get attacked but I think there are very few people who would be honest about an unwanted gift. You should receive graciously.

kaytee87 · 26/05/2019 16:46

Would it have killed you to put your daughter in the clothes last year and send your mother a picture of her?

Waiting for the huge drip feed.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2019 16:47

mimibunz yes, for the sake of being nice to someone who took the time to shop, wrap and send 3 presents from abroad for the OP's child and to spare their feelings.

It's common decency and not difficult.

The whole 'narcissist' thing if true, is a separate issue.

Purpleartichoke · 26/05/2019 16:50

You use the frilly dresses for a photo session. Baby who just learned to sit up sitting in the grass enjoying the park or garden. Send the photos to grandma.

Especially when they live far away, buying clothes for a grandchild is a way to show love. It’s not about the clothes themselves.

VickyEadie · 26/05/2019 16:50

Time when a little bit of a fib is a good idea - when it will hurt a person if you tell the truth.

You should have fibbed.

NorthernKnickers · 26/05/2019 16:51

Tact is something you clearly lack OP 🙄

BottleOfJameson · 26/05/2019 16:51

Truth is definitely not the best policy - next time take a photo say thanks and donate.

Amibeingdaft81 · 26/05/2019 16:53

It simply doesn’t sound a loving close relationship.

Although to be fair, it was her who went to the trouble to buy and send you clothing.

It would have been nice to taken a pic of the baby in the clothing and sent it to your mother. Instead you decided you tell her it wasted effort

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 26/05/2019 16:54

Sorry OP YABU. Very rude to be so openly ungrateful about a gift to the giver. Yes lying in general isn’t great but on this occasion a white lie to spare the feelings of someone who tried to do something nice would have been the way to go. You don’t elaborate on why your mum is a narcissist but if you have a bad relationship with her this has obviously coloured how you have dealt with this situation which I don’t think is right in the circumstances you have explained. I’m not surprised your mum is upset, I would be in her place (though doubt I would have sent the email, I just wouldn’t bother sending you anything again and would think of you as rude and ungrateful)

redexpat · 26/05/2019 16:55

You say shes a bit narcissistic. How was your relationship with her before this?

I dont think yabu. You told her that dd didnt get a chance to wear them - because of the weather which is entirely beyond your control.

But you could have added I'll save it for the next one.

I dont blame her for being hurt but it really depends on your tone and we cant judge that via the internet. Did you tell her it was because of the hot weather? If she is abroad she might not have been aware of the heatwave.

Its hard to tell if the email is really attacking you and if sibu.

lljkk · 26/05/2019 16:59

Your mom is nuts but truth is you didn't like the clothes anyway, & probably your mom knew that. Maybe she even deliberately chose clothes you'd hate so she could pick a fight about it later.

Um, you tell us.. .what value is there to you to keep this woman in your life?

EleanorReally · 26/05/2019 16:59

I Dont understand why you need to ask strangers, surely you must try and put yourself in her shoes? how would you feel if you sent someone a gift and received the same reaction?

pigsDOfly · 26/05/2019 17:00

What exactly does 'a bit narcissistic' mean? Has she been medically diagnosed as a 'bit narcissistic', or do you mean she's not an easy person, in which case she probably isn't actually a narcissist.

Far too much armchair diagnosis of Narcissism on MN. It's really not that common.

cranstonmanor · 26/05/2019 17:01

Surely it's not difficult to put the kid in a party dress, sit them at the table with a yoghurt, dessert, coca cola or treat, take photo, send to mum. Done.

Alsohuman · 26/05/2019 17:01

If I was your mum l’d be upset too. Essentially you’ve rejected her lovingly chosen gift. How would you feel if you were her?

SpecterLitt · 26/05/2019 17:02

Define "cheap-looking". You sound arrogant and ungrateful to be honest. Learn to be a bit more gracious and decent.

Oh and of course everyone on MN knows a fucking narcissist.

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