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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do Aibu

54 replies

Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 10:40

I was meant to be bridesmaid for a good friend but unfortunately I am due my baby the day of her wedding so have had to bow out. I'm not attending her hen do as it's a week before the wedding in another country and I don't want to fly that late in pregnancy or risk having baby on a small island that's not home 😂

I am still minimally involved in the hen planning as I do love this friend and want to make sure she has a nice time. My involvement has been organising games (found on Internet) and I also got some decorations and made a bag of goodies for the bride. Just for background the hen was originally meant to be in our home city and cheap so that lots of people could come (think originally we had about 24) however two weeks ago bride decided she wanted to go abroad. She has become a bit bridezilla and has got rid of another bridesmaid (for reasons that I think were unfair but have stayed out of as I do not know the other girl).

Anyway!! Money was collected from all the hens still attending and the flights etc booked. It was decided (I think by the brides sister) that everyone would stay at the brides the night before the flights and have a party type thing. It transpires that the sister forgot to budget for this when she asked people for the money (I have had zero involvement in costing and couldn't tell you how much the holiday is going to be as I am not going so haven't asked etc). The brides sister is now saying that the five of us who have been organising should basically split the bill for food and drink on the Friday night? Aibu to not want to pay for something I'm not going to??? I think I'm not but then I do realise I would be going (and paying a lot more) if I wasn't due baby?

I haven't yet responded to her message but others in the group have saying good idea etc!

OP posts:
Samind · 26/05/2019 10:43

Can you not just send a message to the group. Sorry I won't be able to make it but I hope you all have a great night.

No more discussion on it.

HappyGirl86 · 26/05/2019 10:43

No way should you pay when you aren't even going. You are already helping with some of the organisation which I think is fair of you when you aren't going. I assume you will send a wedding card and a gift?
I really don't think you need to contribute anymore!

Cherrysoup · 26/05/2019 10:44

Tell her no, you’re not going therefore of course you won’t be paying. It’s ridiculous to imagine you’d pay when you’re not attending. Does she realise you’re not going?

PurpleDaisies · 26/05/2019 10:44

No, you’re not unreasonable for not wanting to pay. They’re being ridiculous.

Thehop · 26/05/2019 10:46

Saminds message is perfect x

CarolinaChina · 26/05/2019 10:46

YANBU. Even if you were not heavily pregnant and still attending the whole thing, I think you’re right to be a bit pissed off about this latest add-on. It’s yet another expense added without a thought as to whether people want to do it and whether they can afford it.

You’ve been very involved in continuing to arrange things and I’m sure any real friend would be more than happy with this.

Original poster
Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 10:47

Yes I'll definitely send a gift with my sister who will be attending the wedding :-)

They definitely know I'm not going to any of the hen as I haven't been counted in the numbers needed for food/drink on the Friday. Also it seems that more of the brides family who can't afford the abroad aspect are coming to the Friday! So who knows how much it will cost! I am going to text back saying that could get expensive for the FOUR of them to split and suggest they ask everyone to bring a bottle and a £5 a head for food! I think thats reasonable!

OP posts:
TruffleShuffles · 26/05/2019 10:48

I wouldn’t pay towards it if I were you. To be honest I think they are making it too much of a thing, I should imagine they are paying out quite a lot as it is for the actual hen do. It would make more sense for it to be a bring your own booze night and order a few pizzas type thing and the the responsibility of paying wouldn’t be on anybody,

Xyzzzzz · 26/05/2019 10:48

If you’re not going you should not pay. To be honest it all sounds like a mess I’d keep out of it.

fedup21 · 26/05/2019 10:48

Bloody cheek!

Why isn’t it being split between all the people going?

GU24Mum · 26/05/2019 10:49

Dont suggest how they split it as you don't want/need to get involved. Just breezily remind them that you aren't going unfortunately but hope they have a great time - do send photos etc!!

Lizzie48 · 26/05/2019 10:49

Of course you’re not being U; as you’re not going to be at the meal, you shouldn’t be expected to contribute to the cost because you’re kindly helping with the organising. Just send a message wishing them well.

Original poster
Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 10:49

@CarolinaChina the whole thing has got ridiculous tbh, we had a lovely (cheap!) hen do planned in our home town which so many people were attending (including myself as there were bits I could do easily like lunch etc) and then suddenly the bride decided it had to be abroad. Then she wasn't happy with where we chose? Then it wasn't for long enough! I love her dearly but she has become a bit scary during all this ! When she chucked the other BM out of wedding party I was just 😳😳😳

OP posts:
Original poster
Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 10:51

Okay I won't give any suggestions I'll just say that sounds like it could get expensive for you all to split (with the emphasis on you 😂) and that I hope they have a lovely night.

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 26/05/2019 10:51

As if you’re pregnant and paying for a bunch of other people to get drunk 😂 yeah def say no - everyone attending ought to bring something anyway it’s no big deal

Original poster
Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 10:57

@Queenoftheashes I don't know how I get myself into these situations. Dh says he thinks people take the piss because I'm terrible at saying no! I think the organisers aren't keen to ask people for more money as it's already shot up in price from the original.

I'm secretly quite pleased I can't go as I just couldn't afford it, it has to be costing £100s now. I might message my cousin (who is going) and see what they've paid so far just out of curiosity!

OP posts:
Qweenbee · 26/05/2019 11:07

Why aren't you going on that night just out of interest?

HJWT · 26/05/2019 11:10

Not don't pay for everyone else to have a good time! Spend it on a nice babygrow 🤣

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 26/05/2019 11:11

You could say that you're not willing to be included in the Friday night fund, as you're not attending/involved, but if it has become too expensive to split just four ways then they might want to think about funding it a different way.

Original poster
Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 11:27

@Qweenbee originally it was just so everyone who was flying in the morning was staying at the brides for ease but then it became a party. I was thinking about going but it became too complicated with transport etc and tbh I hate being around drunk people when heavily pregnant. I'm taking the bride out for afternoon tea instead on the Thursday :-) she seems happy enough with that.

OP posts:
Pppppppp1234 · 26/05/2019 11:28

😱 she chucked her bridesmaid! I think people forget that it’s just one day of your life.... that friendships mean more than just one day. Now she’s chucked that bridesmaid the friendship will be in tatters, all for what?!

Sounds like a good idea OP don’t financially contribute you shouldn’t have too.... you could always say “ I’ll send a few bottles of bubbly with my cousin” (pick up aldi Prosecco £4 each) for the night as my contribution as I won’t be able to go

Pppppppp1234 · 26/05/2019 11:28

Afternoon tea with her sounds a lovely idea OP!

NailsNeedDoing · 26/05/2019 11:30

People will know that the price they're paying for a holiday doesn't include what they eat the day before. What food is being planned anyway? There's a big difference between chucking in a fiver for crisps and dips or everyone having Indian takeaway or something.

Either way, your not going so you aren't obliged to pay. Does this woman expect you to pay for her breakfast at the airport before the flights as well? Because that's equivalent to what she's asking.

Qweenbee · 26/05/2019 11:34

Text them that you are taking her for afternoon tea as you aren't attending the Friday night so they'll have to financially sort that themselves in some way without including you..

Qweenbee · 26/05/2019 11:36

or they could contribute to the afternoon tea cost