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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do Aibu

54 replies

Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 10:40

I was meant to be bridesmaid for a good friend but unfortunately I am due my baby the day of her wedding so have had to bow out. I'm not attending her hen do as it's a week before the wedding in another country and I don't want to fly that late in pregnancy or risk having baby on a small island that's not home 😂

I am still minimally involved in the hen planning as I do love this friend and want to make sure she has a nice time. My involvement has been organising games (found on Internet) and I also got some decorations and made a bag of goodies for the bride. Just for background the hen was originally meant to be in our home city and cheap so that lots of people could come (think originally we had about 24) however two weeks ago bride decided she wanted to go abroad. She has become a bit bridezilla and has got rid of another bridesmaid (for reasons that I think were unfair but have stayed out of as I do not know the other girl).

Anyway!! Money was collected from all the hens still attending and the flights etc booked. It was decided (I think by the brides sister) that everyone would stay at the brides the night before the flights and have a party type thing. It transpires that the sister forgot to budget for this when she asked people for the money (I have had zero involvement in costing and couldn't tell you how much the holiday is going to be as I am not going so haven't asked etc). The brides sister is now saying that the five of us who have been organising should basically split the bill for food and drink on the Friday night? Aibu to not want to pay for something I'm not going to??? I think I'm not but then I do realise I would be going (and paying a lot more) if I wasn't due baby?

I haven't yet responded to her message but others in the group have saying good idea etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 11:36

I think the plan is to go to Costco and get food for the night but I've no idea what that entails!

I've sent a message saying 'Sounds like you all have it sorted :-) hope you have a really good night I'm gutted I can't come! I'll send my decorations etc with cousin in case you want to use them on the Friday instead of while you're all away :)'

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 26/05/2019 11:42

You need to be clear that you aren't contributing, otherwise a CF could easily assume you're ok with the suggestion they made from that text and will go along with it.

LazyLizzy · 26/05/2019 11:43

That's a good message OP.

Bet you are relieved that you're well out of it all.

The afternoon tea is a lovely idea.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/05/2019 11:45

Let us know how you get on.

I think it’s ridiculous the others expect you to pay for an evening you cannot attend. If anything is said, I’d be clear that you’re disappointed the original plans changed so that you are no longer included. But surely you have misunderstood as they cannot possibly be expecting you to pay toward an evening you cannot attend. Wish them well and say you’re looking forward to taking the bride out for afternoon tea and hearing all about it.

Tbh I think the whole thing is bloody cheeky of the bride. Including thinking it’s ok for you to pay for afternoon tea for the two of you!

fedup21 · 26/05/2019 11:45

Oh dear-you haven’t said you won’t be paying though!

LazyLizzy · 26/05/2019 11:47

She wouldn't be expected to pay though if she's not eating the food or drinking the drink?

Nobody would have the nerve to ask her.

SunniDay · 26/05/2019 11:49

Hi,
I think a party the night before the flights for the hen do is a really bad idea. With drinking, staying up late, people sleeping all over (unless the bride owns a stately home). They are going to be flying out hungover, tired and dischevelled and it will probably put a big downer on the start of the hen do.

If staying at the brides is more practical for the trip I agree ordering in a pizza (ask everyone to have a bit of cash for take out) (providing tea/squash) and bring your own booze or soft drink of choice for a chat/movie/pyjamas evening before the partying of the hen do would be much better. Have some menus for home delivery.

But as you are not going it is especially hard for you to influence. If you wanted to you could say "I'm sorry I'm not in a position to split the cost of a party but I also don't think a party the night before the hen do is a good idea - I think you would be better to encourage people to bring their own drink of choice and pay their share of a takeaway. The calm before the storm! Have a great time whatever you decide!"

theworldistoosmall · 26/05/2019 11:51

Decorations, etc could be an issue. THe etc could be interpreted as you coughing up some cash.

elessar · 26/05/2019 11:55

You haven't actually said you're not paying? I'm pretty sure you need to be specific on this or they'll assume you're happy to contribute.

Oysterbabe · 26/05/2019 11:56

Obviously you don't pay. I'm sure the guests would be happy enough if you asked them to bring a bottle and maybe a snack. Whenever we have a BBQ everyone seems to do this without being asked and we end up with more booze than we started with when they've all left.

Original poster
Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 11:56

Oh dear I've sent it now! Haha I guess I'll have to see what comes back :-) I think the main driver behind it all is the brides sister who I know tells the bride everything (some things have been said in the chat that the bride has repeated back to me). The whole thing has spiralled completely! I'm slightly disappointed that I can't go but also relieved that I'm not involved in all the going abroad stuff. It's just not my cup of tea and I couldn't justify spending that much on a hen. I'm all for cheap and cheerful !

@Sunniday I have had this thought 😂 bride lives in a three bed flat so not a stately home and flight is early morning but not my circus not my monkeys!

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 26/05/2019 11:58

Asking to foot one fifth of the bill for a party you’re not even going to is definitely unreasonable.

You are treating the bride to afternoon tea. That’s your contribution right there.

LarryGreysonsDoor · 26/05/2019 12:14

Sounds like you have dodged a bullet.

No way should you pay. Surely the usual run of things would be to bring a bottle and order a load of pizza.

Bearbehind · 26/05/2019 12:31

Sorry OP but your response sounds like you have agreed to pay.

The ‘you have it all sorted’ will be interpreted as agreeing to their suggestion to split it 5 ways.

You either need to clarify this or be prepared to pay up.

EllenRachel · 26/05/2019 12:38

I'd do what a pp said and send a couple of bottles of prosecco - id probably text back and 'I'm happy to get a couple of bottles of prosecco as my contribution to the Friday night, I'll send them with my cousin'

Jaxhog · 26/05/2019 12:41

Aibu to not want to pay for something I'm not going to???

YANBU!! Why on earth would anyone think it reasonable for you to pay for an event you neither agreed to or will be attending? Just send the decorations. If bridezilla (or bridesiszilla) object, then she is NOT a good friend and (sadly) you're well out of it.

Jaxhog · 26/05/2019 12:43

Noo! Don't send ANYTHING, and certainly not a couple of bottles of Prosecco. That's just validating an unreasonable request.

fedup21 · 26/05/2019 12:44

I think you will end up being presented with a bill for 1/5 of the costs afterwards.

I would definitely follow up your message with a ‘obviously as I won’t be there, I won’t be covering the costs but will send a couple of bottles of fizz with X’

MummyBear2352 · 26/05/2019 12:51

It’s completely absurd for you to pay for something you are not going to.

Stand your ground.

TidyDancer · 26/05/2019 13:17

How exactly was the message phrased to say the organisers would be paying? I know you've said the five of you, but was that specified in the text? I'm just wondering if they actually are expecting you to pay or not? If it was me I would send a couple of bottles of wine at most but not if I was being asked to, it would be a gesture only, not because I felt like I had to contribute.

Original poster
Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 13:36

@Tinydancer the message basically was a reply to how the Friday food and drink will be funded with the sister putting ' ...the five of us could all contribute for food/drinks. Like split the cost or be in charge of bringing a few bits and bottles each?'

I think I'm off the hook as another girl has said she is not paying (can't afford it as she has fairly newborn twins). They are now discussing asking everyone to bring a bottle and a dish.

:-) relief!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hendodramaagain · 26/05/2019 13:38

@Tidydancer sorry I got your name wrong!!

I kind of think the sister put the 'five of us' intentionally as she has been a bit arsey with me at the beginning over something else that would have cost me had I agreed to it 🙄

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 26/05/2019 13:44

What's the odds on them missing the flight? Or still being too drunk to board?

Glad you're off the hook without looking like the bad guy though OP.

Nearlythere1 · 26/05/2019 13:50

There's absolutely no reason to be having a party the night before going on holiday to have an extended party. Who wants to fly hungover anyway? I suggest that you suggest the overnight stay the night before is scrapped on the basis it hasn't been costed for, so that's that.

Likethebattle · 26/05/2019 14:16

I would have been cheeky ‘hahaha you are kidding?’