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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to take my FIL up on his financial offer

65 replies

lookingouttosea · 25/05/2019 16:37

I'll keep it brief. But would LOVE to know AIBU with this.
Currently rent and can't get a mortgage because we're on one income. Two kids under 3. I want to go back to work and I'm looking for a job atm.
FIL has offered us help with buying a house but on condition its near where he lives. He's not alone or particularly old, just wants his family near. It's an ok place but I don't love it...at least its fine for a visit but don't think I'd want to live there. All my friends/social life here. It would also limit my job/career opportunities somewhat. However would be good for the kids to have family nearby...very child-friendly place etc.
AIBU to refuse? OH is torn...doesn't particularly want to live there but also we are sick of renting.

OP posts:
CarrieBlu · 25/05/2019 16:40

Don’t do it. Financial gifts like this should be given with no strings attached, and if they’re not, they’re usually handed over as a way to control you and influence the decisions you make (as is evident here). I would rather rent for the rest of my life that have my future decided for me.

Can’t put a price on freedom!

S1naidSucks · 25/05/2019 16:41

Don’t do it. That’s not a loan without strings and what’s the betting he’ll start popping around to your new place any time he fancies? It sounds like he will feel like HE owns the house, since he lent you the money.

MarieToulouseBerlioz · 25/05/2019 16:45

Nope dont do it! You shouldn't have to live in an area you dont want to live in. As above financial gifts should not have conditions, otherwise they're not gifts.

I'm sure that having 2 in childcare while you both work will also be expensive, so I would probably not even expect to start saving for a deposit until they were both at school.

Hiphopopotamous · 25/05/2019 16:46

Are there more strings to this as well? Will he want to be named on the mortgage? Will the money be a "loan"?

herculepoirot2 · 25/05/2019 16:46

No, don’t. It’s up to him, but I think you would regret it.

SmellMySmellbow · 25/05/2019 16:47

No no no no no no, thank you, but nooooo

MarieToulouseBerlioz · 25/05/2019 16:47

Also if you are both renting it might play to your favour to be first time buyers in a few years when you do want to get a house, instead of getting on the ladder with help from your FIL and then when you would eventually move to the area you did want you may lose any incentives youd have if you were still first time buyers

DroningOn · 25/05/2019 16:48

Nope, not in a million years

AguerosAngel · 25/05/2019 16:49

Absolutely do not do this. It will not end well.

Fantasisa · 25/05/2019 16:51

Have a look at shared equity properties in your area, OP. We would never have been able to get on the property ladder without it and we staircased up to 100 per cent ownership of our very small 3 bed, eventually sold it and it enabled us to put enough down for a much larger 3 bed that we now have a mortgage on. We had to earn under a certain amount and be local residents. My point is that there are other options - no way would I have where I live dictated to me.

riverislands · 25/05/2019 16:51

No way. Strings attached.

cptartapp · 25/05/2019 16:52

No. Not worth being beholden. He's lining you up as unpaid carers.

AC12vsOCG · 25/05/2019 16:52

Nope. Oh hang on, er, still nope.

historyrocks · 25/05/2019 16:53

No.

DramaRamaLlama · 25/05/2019 16:54

Think, as a parent, whether you'd ever dangle such a life changing offer in front of your DC when you know it would be divisive and limiting.

Then ask yourself why someone would do that.

That is all you need to know.

breakfastpizza · 25/05/2019 17:00

A couple I know did this and have regretted it ever since. They feel that they can never say no to him. He inserts himself into every part of their lives, and it's almost as if their marriage is a three-way relationship now.

Cherrysoup · 25/05/2019 17:04

No, he doesn’t get to dictate to you where you live, that’s outrageous.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2019 17:04

A firm no from me and that sort of carrot is really unkind actually.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/05/2019 17:05

I wouldn't take up the offer. If you need a loan, take one out with a bank. Save until you have enough to approach a bank, if you can't take one out now.
The phrase "neither a borrower nor a lender be" is sage advice.

username55675 · 25/05/2019 17:09

Agree with everyone definitely no. Me and DH have been offered financial help by family members a number of times. We always refused I know for a fact it would be used as a way of controlling us.

Crazycat16 · 25/05/2019 17:10

YANBU.
No way on earth Would I take up an offer like that.

yearinyearout · 25/05/2019 17:11

Just No.

swissmilk · 25/05/2019 17:14

Don't do it, what if you and dh split up?

ShitArmBadTattoo · 25/05/2019 17:14

Do it, sounds like a great offer!

Just kidding, it’s a big nope from me too.

Boysey45 · 25/05/2019 17:17

No way, a couple of years down the line and you will be his full time carer.

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