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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to take my FIL up on his financial offer

65 replies

lookingouttosea · 25/05/2019 16:37

I'll keep it brief. But would LOVE to know AIBU with this.
Currently rent and can't get a mortgage because we're on one income. Two kids under 3. I want to go back to work and I'm looking for a job atm.
FIL has offered us help with buying a house but on condition its near where he lives. He's not alone or particularly old, just wants his family near. It's an ok place but I don't love it...at least its fine for a visit but don't think I'd want to live there. All my friends/social life here. It would also limit my job/career opportunities somewhat. However would be good for the kids to have family nearby...very child-friendly place etc.
AIBU to refuse? OH is torn...doesn't particularly want to live there but also we are sick of renting.

OP posts:

sirmione16 · 25/05/2019 17:19

No. You're opening yourself up to guilt trips of "you should come over more/do this housework/help me in this way/change your lifestyle or whatever else... seeing as I paid for you to move closer"

EileenAlanna · 25/05/2019 17:21

I'd be reluctant to take him up on it as neither you nor DH are wildly enthused about it. I think I'd thank FIL very much for his kind offer, tell him how much it means to you both that he's thinking about you, but having gone over & over the practicalities i.e. employment situation etc you're forced to have to say "no" for the foreseeable future. In the absence of any other problems with FIL it's a considerate way to spare his feelings & for everyone to save face all round.

Durgasarrow · 25/05/2019 17:30

No, no, no! My in-laws helped us--with no conditions. They loaned us money, and later forgave the loan. We repaid the loan for a number of years, and learned responsibility. But of course, ultimately, when they died, we got the money back in the form of inheritance. Which you will do, ultimately, likely when your father-in-law dies. So he isn't giving you anything you won't be getting anyway, most likely, even to be crass about it. And besides, it is very manipulative to tell you where to live. Good parents want their kids to be free.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/05/2019 17:35

He's lining you up as unpaid carers

This ^^

If you value your sanity, please don't even think about it

Pixel99 · 25/05/2019 17:41

Ex MIL wanted to do something similar but she wanted to go on the deeds. So in effect she and ex DH would have controlled 2 thirds of the equity for 1/3 of the investment. She is very controlling where money is concerned.
I said no - so glad I did.

Rainbowknickers · 25/05/2019 17:46

We had this
My in laws are lovely wonderful people and about 3 years ago they offered to buy us a house instead of us renting
We took them up on it (and have a lovely 3 bed house) which we rent from them at family rates
But at no point did they add strings to their offer (apart from wanting to see what we’d chosen)
If they had we wouldn’t have taken them up on it
You’d end up wanting to strangle him as the strings would get tighter and tighter

Monny1 · 25/05/2019 17:58

Definitely, it’s a no from me too. As the saying g goes, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. If you take it, you will definitely regret it.

mimibunz · 25/05/2019 18:13

Oh god no! Once he gets you there he will control your life.

WidseyWoo · 25/05/2019 18:20

Can’t put a price on freedom!

Agree 100%. Run a mile. This isn't a gift, it's a noose.

WidseyWoo · 25/05/2019 18:24

My birth mother did this. Her, her father, and my Dad all had a third each.

He came home one day for a For Sale to be in the drive. Her Dad went into a home, and turned out she had been screwing somebody else (probably more than one someone). My Dad was left with nothing.

mumwon · 25/05/2019 18:54

look into shared ownership - you can staircase to full ownership in most cases - do your homework on individual housing association & see if you can get pre owned as they often work out cheaper -

TriciaH87 · 25/05/2019 19:00

How long until he dictates how you decorate it etc. A gift should have no strings attached.

ShellieEllie · 25/05/2019 19:12

Don't go there, it will end in heartache and tears (yours!)

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 25/05/2019 19:14

Donnie Branco style

Forgetaboutit...

seven201 · 25/05/2019 19:16

No way!

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 25/05/2019 19:30

Nope. Hell to the nope.

I'd be wary of a place that would limit my career, and is 'child-friendly'. You'll find yourself slipping into housewife/carer mode for wont of better options, and child friendly usually means dull as ditchwater once the kids hit their teens.

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 25/05/2019 19:31

*for WANT of better options.

Adversecamber22 · 26/05/2019 08:41

You cannot move to this place as it is limiting. But what’s your relationship like with your FIL and what will his care plans be if he needs care? I would never have offered to care for my own parents nor My FIL. But I will be willing to care for MiL

averylongtimeago · 26/05/2019 08:58

If it were a gift with no strings, then yes. If I had the money I would buy my children a house or give them a chunk of money for a deposit tomorrow.
Would I tell them where or what to buy? No.
Would I expect to be on the deeds? No.
A gift is a gift.

Mascarponeandwine · 26/05/2019 09:01

I always think that families in this situation should visit a solicitor to have these kind of financial situations, pros and cons, looked at properly. I suspect too many of these ‘arrangements’ have no paperwork and a whole heap of guilt and expectation.

I would have to say though, that I’m not sure I could just gift £50k for a deposit to a child and their partner. If the relationship broke down shortly after the partner would be entitled to up to half. £25k walking off into the sunset 6 months after I gifted it would be a big deal to me.

Sophiesdog11 · 26/05/2019 09:18

That’s easy to sort, the couple can draw up a legal agreement so that if they split, the ‘child’ gets the whole amount of their deposit back. I think it can be done so that it’s only valid for so many years or until they have children. I would expect that it is fairly common these days with Bank of Mum and Dad helping a lot.

My young adult DC have a significant inheritance and we are also adding to their ISAs, as part of eventual IHT planning. I would hope that if they eventually buy with someone else, they take our advise to protect their money, at least for the first few years or until children come along.

Op, a gift should be just that, with no strings attached. I wouldn’t accept the help in your shoes. I also wouldn’t try and dictate what/where my DC eventually purchase, despite us drip feeding money into their deposit fund.

S1naidSucks · 26/05/2019 11:07

Where have you gone, OP? It’s usually expected that the OP actually responds to posters.

Qweenbee · 26/05/2019 11:13

Nope.

I can understand gifts with conditions attached if it is to financially protect money. E.g. Ring fencing deposits in case of partners splitting up or helping kids get onto the property ladder but retaining an interest in the house etc, but to control prepress lives To this extent is just not on.
Presumably he's also thinking that you will be close enough to care for him when he needs it.

NoSauce · 26/05/2019 11:18

Has he actually said it like that? What does DH think?

ssd · 26/05/2019 11:20

Ach God live him, he wants family near him. I know the feeling. I wouldn't take money from him but I understand why he's offering.

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