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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to take my FIL up on his financial offer

65 replies

lookingouttosea · 25/05/2019 16:37

I'll keep it brief. But would LOVE to know AIBU with this.
Currently rent and can't get a mortgage because we're on one income. Two kids under 3. I want to go back to work and I'm looking for a job atm.
FIL has offered us help with buying a house but on condition its near where he lives. He's not alone or particularly old, just wants his family near. It's an ok place but I don't love it...at least its fine for a visit but don't think I'd want to live there. All my friends/social life here. It would also limit my job/career opportunities somewhat. However would be good for the kids to have family nearby...very child-friendly place etc.
AIBU to refuse? OH is torn...doesn't particularly want to live there but also we are sick of renting.

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 26/05/2019 11:28

Thank you but no thank you!!

It’s a bit nasty really when you think, offering the money then saying if you live where I want you to live!!

Original poster

lookingouttosea · 27/05/2019 11:59

Thanks for all the replies. Meant to respond earlier but getting 10 bloody minutes to look at a laptop in this house is difficult! Also I'm new enough to MN and find it hard to find posts in AIBU because so many...? Maybe there's an easier way?
Anyway. Thanks again. I feel a lot less like I'm being awkward now, because that's how a couple of conversations with friends have left me feeling recently. Most don't know why I would continue to rent here where I have a life rather than take my lovely, generous FIL up on his offer and move to somewhere that would be "just perfect for the kids". I'm made to feel quite selfish.
My husband...I don't know...he has the "dream" of country living that I don't have so I think if I said yes he would go for it. My friends say stuff like "oh, it must be hard for (OH) just working to pay rent" or "wouldn't it be better for the kids to have somewhere stable?". Like they're not trying to be mean but its like I have no agency because I don't (as yet) earn any money. Like I should put my family first.
Anyway...thanks again...maybe I'm not so totally unreasonable!

OP posts:

NoSauce · 27/05/2019 14:10

If you’re new here OP you won’t be aware of how anti PILs MN is. It’s predominantly used by women who are DILs themselves, not all but many of them are. There’s a lot of projection on these types of threads. So you were always going to get responses saying no.

You need to do what’s right for you, your husband and your dc in the situation you’re in and not listen to strangers on the internet who don’t care about your potentially life changing decision.

Qweenbee · 27/05/2019 15:35

Ask him if he will move closer to you as a compromise not actually in with you though in which case you would love to accept his kind offer, as the only reason you are not accepting it is that your life and job prospects are here.

If he recognises he doesn't want to leave his area it might make him reassess and understand why you don't.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 15:39

NO.

The only kind of person you should ever accept an offer like this from is the kind of person who would never in a million years put conditions on it.

S1naidSucks · 27/05/2019 15:42

NoSauce Bullshite! I adored my pils. I’m still very close to my sails/bils, but being beholding to them financially and have them dictate where you live, is setting yourself up for an unhealthy relationship.

Hizz · 27/05/2019 15:43

The best way to find your way back to the thread is to click on "threads I'm on"

I plan to give my DC a house deposit, much as I'd love them to be near me I wouldn't dream of making that a condition. Have you had a discussion with FIL about it? If you explain your reservations and reluctance to accept with those terms he might change his mind. He sounds kind and well meaning and probably has no idea how you feel.

NoSauce · 27/05/2019 17:12

S1naidSucks like I said about projection.

Sashkin · 27/05/2019 17:33

OP, my worry with you moving to somewhere near FIL where there are no job prospects for you, is that you will end up trapped as a SAHM (which is fine if you want to be one, but you say that you don't). Then as a SAHM you are going to end up as his carer, because you'll "have nothing else to do all day" and thus no excuse not to.

It probably isn't some nefarious plan on the part of FIL. It would just be lovely to have all of his family around him in his old age. And it would be. But the reality will be you running around after him and cleaning his house/providing care/ferrying him to appointments, because your DH will be at work and you will feel ungrateful saying no after he bought you a house.

MulticolourMophead · 27/05/2019 19:23

I would still say no whether it were PIL or my own parents. Once conditions start being attached to money, it's time to have a good look at why those conditions are there.

Original poster

lookingouttosea · 27/05/2019 19:53

@nosauce thank you, yes I understand this. I realise that any post on an online forum will attract responses from those with experience, and perhaps some degree of bias, on the issue.
I have a very good relationship with my PIL's and I am appreciative of my FIL's offer which is why I've been agonising over what to do. It's just nice to hear, I suppose, some responses that vindicate some of my feelings.

OP posts:

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/05/2019 20:06

Like I should put my family first
You ARE putting your family first - be ensuring that your own needs are met.
The only thing your dc have to gain from the move is "being close to in laws".
They can still have a relationship with in laws without moving house.

An unhappy, unfulfilled, stressed out mum is NOT what your dc need....nor do they need the security of their home in the hands of strings-attached fil.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/05/2019 20:08

FIl is only thinking about his own interests - he wants the dgc on hand for whenever it suits him.
Funny how neither he nor your 'well meaning' friends have noticed how fil's offer doesn't put the best interests of your or your family needs first......

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 20:15

You are putting your family first by recognising that an offer like this, but with strings, has the potential to be the source of a massive family fall out, or at the very least, a lot of unhappiness in your marriage.

It's not a good idea.

cptartapp · 27/05/2019 20:24

If he can afford to help you buy a house, he can afford gardeners, cleaners, taxis, carers when the time comes.
If the money was genuinely being offered from a good place, it would be offered without conditions. Blackmail is not an attractive trait. Older people often use the old financial carrot and stick, its unpleasant. Stay where you are.

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