DP giving me the silent treatment, WWYD?

[Pleasespeaktome]

I've messed up, and it's all my fault. DP is angry and hurt, we've been together 4 years and we don't live together yet. I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday. I texted him yesterday asking how he's feeling and he replied "Fine". I tried calling him, because I just want to speak about the situation instead of ignoring each other but he refuses to pick up the phone.

I can't take it anymore, it's draining. I just want to speak about it, what would you do? Keep contacting him or just leave him alone?

Op how on Earth do you expect to get advice and opinions when you won't even tell us the situation? What did he find out about you??

I don't think it matters what the info was. If he was a decent person he would have let you know he needed time to process whatever it was & that he would get back to you when he was ready, not leave you hanging in limbo like this, stressed, anxious, fearful & begging for his attention. It's one thing to need time out, it's another to use silence & withdrawal as punishment & emotional abuse, & that sounds like what he is doing here.

Not speaking to you for days on end is pure passive/aggressive behavior and will get worse the longer you stay in this relationship.
At this stage if I was you, I would be seriously thinking about ending the relationship based on this behavior alone. Have no idea what it is you hid from him but your friend should not have been discussing it with him either, I would also be rethinking that friendship.
Friends are supposed to say the shit things to your face and only say the nice things to others when speaking about you.

After four yrs he should respect you enough to at least talk to you.

He hasn't completely ignored the OP though. He replied to her text yesterday, less than 48 hours after the mystery secret was revealed.

Despite answering her in a way that wasn't ignoring her, but made it clear he wasn't up for chatting she rang him anyway (more than once by the sound of it).

It's been two days not two months of silence. Let the guy gather his thoughts and deal with it when he's ready (because I'm assuming the dodging and cageyness of what the issue was means it's an important thing and people will be on his side).

After four yrs he should respect you enough to at least talk to you.

Surely equally after four years the OP could respect him enough to have a) not witheld whatever it is from him and b) give him some space when he clearly wants it.

I feel like in a way he's milking the situation, the more I call the more he ignores me etc

If that comment was made by a woman who'd just had something dropped on her by her DP's mate she'd be advised to turn her phone off or go stay with a friend until she was ready.

Is it out of character? Or does he do this regularly?

Op are you actually going to tell us what it is you kept from him and for how long?
You know, the actual details that mean people can give an informed response?

Why did the mutual friend tell him?

I think it depends upon several things

Is he sulking simply because someone knew something he didnt and he felt a bit embarrassed that he didnt know?

Was the something he didnt know a situation he was likley to be angry about irrespective who told him

Did OP not tell him because she was scared of his reaction and was trying to find the right time to do so

These threads are pointless because the OP well knows that the actual information she withheld makes all the different.

OP’s friend: hey OP’SDP - amazing news - you’ll be great parents!

OP’S friend: hey OP’SDP - so how are you coping with OP’s sixth toe?

I know OP said it wasn’t that big a deal but we don’t actually know that. I’ve had plenty of times where someone has said ‘it’s no big deal’ when it’s massive to me.

Well I'm wracking my brains to think of something, 'not major' that a mutual friend would know, but you hadn't mentioned to DP yet.
So, not your still married, not you have a child, not you were born a different sex.
Did you date his brother/father/uncle/sister/best mate?
Don't contact him anymore.

You have tried, hold on to your dignity, let him take the time he needs.

C'mon OP what was it you told your friend but not your DP?

The entire thing depends entirely on this aspect.

Still no comment from the @OP

Op can't tell us because the whole thing is made up. 🤷‍♀️

OP is giving us the silent treatment. It's basically abuse.

OP is giving us the silent treatment. It's basically abuse

Give him some space

*Well I would permanently leave him alone!

If it was minor and he is ignoring you, then he is not very nice.
If it was major, well you obviously did it for a reason and knew he wouldn't be happy, so why did you do it?
It's over.
Don't waste your time being guilty.

NEXT.*

God, how do any of you sustain a relationship? One strike however minor and it's over?

@user1471517900
OP is giving us the silent treatment. It's basically abuse

I'm firmly in the "depends what it is" camp, sometimes we all need a bit of space to work out how we want to respond. I also think he's very bad at silent treatment if he's responding to texts to say he's fine within a 2 day period, while mostly at work too.

My DH used to go quiet if he was upset, I explained it made me feel frustrated.
Sometimes now I wish he would be quiet instead of telling me all his woes.

If this was the other way round and it was the woman dishing out the silent treatment I can tell you the responses here would be PROFOUNDLY different.

OP: DP of 4 years kept a secret from me which I found out from a mutual friend.
MN: LTB!

OP: I kept a secret from DP of 4 years, he found out from a mutual friend, and is now acting differently.
MN: LTB!

I think this place is fuelled by its own hypocrisy sometimes. It's laughable.

Some people use the silent treatment as a form of control. He's 'punishing' you for what he deemed to be an insult/withholding information.

Has he done this before?

Also it depends on what it was he found out. E.g major (you have a child he doesn't know about) or minor (your favourite colour is blue). Without context it's really hard to advise you what to do.

OP has been with partner for for years and kept god knows what secret. Comon friend told DP. DP was embarrassed and angry and is now not communicating for 2.5 day to process why wasn't he told in 4 years of relationship.

MN: He is abusive!

Well, most people are saying it depends, not 'he is abusive'. So...