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Original poster

DP giving me the silent treatment, WWYD?

102 replies

Pleasespeaktome · 25/05/2019 13:04

I've messed up, and it's all my fault. DP is angry and hurt, we've been together 4 years and we don't live together yet. I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday. I texted him yesterday asking how he's feeling and he replied "Fine". I tried calling him, because I just want to speak about the situation instead of ignoring each other but he refuses to pick up the phone.

I can't take it anymore, it's draining. I just want to speak about it, what would you do? Keep contacting him or just leave him alone?

OP posts:
OrdinarySnowflake · 25/05/2019 14:01

Ignore then. Wait for him to get back in touch. If he is sulking until you beg him to talk to you, not contacting him will driving him insane.

If he's just trying to process his emotions without taking it out on you and wants some space, leaving him alone to have that space is the best option.

It does rather depend on what the thing was that you kept from him/level of embarrassment he would have felt from not knowing, and how busy he's been in between.

But never respond to silent treatment by trying to win them round. Ever.

AwdBovril · 25/05/2019 14:03

I think it depends how "not major" the thing is that he's just found out. And whether he already had any issues about that subject, whatever it is. If he's hurt, dealing with personal problems, etc, he may need time, although 4 days of refusing to speak to you obviously isn't great. However, if he's just still sulking, frankly I'd be tempted to bin him. Sulking is not attractive, it rather indicates that a person is pretty immature & somewhat narcissistic.

CitadelsofScience · 25/05/2019 14:04

Supa what are you talking about? The op doesn't have to share every detail of their life/past with their oh. The same that I don't with my husband, difference being if he was told something about me from a third party and he wasn't happy about it, then he wouldn't sulk for days and be silent, he'd have an actual grown up conversation with me.

BrendasUmbrella · 25/05/2019 14:05

What kind of information was it? Was it something that would have upset you?

Your ex was there and you didn't tell him?
His boss is your ex and you didn't tell him?
Something in that area?

SupaNintendoChalmers · 25/05/2019 14:07

@CitadelsofScience wow, different people react to different situations differently. I'll alert the media.

Veterinari · 25/05/2019 14:08

Yeah what a manchild not liking to be lied to/have information withheld from him.

The OP hasn’t lied, she just hadn’t got around to telling him yet, and yes i’d Say if his coping mechanism is to strop off and ignore her for days, rather than have an adult conversation, then that’s pretty unreasonable.

No one needs days to cool off. He’s deliberately punishing her and that’s a massive red flag.

elQuintoConyo · 25/05/2019 14:09

"Grow the fuck up, or fuck the fuck off."

If he 'needs time to process', then he should just tell her, 'please give me some space. i'll call you after the weekend' or some such.

I had a mother who did sulking, i have precisely zero fucking tolerance for it.

LadyRannaldini · 25/05/2019 14:11

This is MN, he's male, he'll be at fault!

HollowTalk · 25/05/2019 14:11

It depends on what it was you hadn't told him. If it was that you had massive debts or that you were trans or that you had six children or that you'd lied about absolutely everything, then obviously he has the right to withdraw. If it was something really minor, then he might be over-reacting. You can see it as him ignoring you, but the more you stay quiet and don't approach him, the quicker he'll get in touch.

Crunchymum · 25/05/2019 14:11

It is hard to judge without knowing the most crucial bit of info (what your mutual friend told him)

lyralalala · 25/05/2019 14:14

What you didn't tell him, in 4 years together, entirely dictates how reasonable or unreasonable he is being.

If it's something major then Wednesday to Friday (given he answered your text) isn't a long time for him to be reevaluating the relationship.

How serious a thing was it you didn't tell him? (and clearly after 4 years were likely never going to tell him)

Branleuse · 25/05/2019 14:15

impossible to know if hes justified when youre so vague about what actually happened.
You know, depending what it is, he could be planning to leave and cant bear to talk to you right now, or he could be being completely ridiculous and controlling. Who knows?

VladmirsPoutine · 25/05/2019 14:22

Well what is it that you didn't tell him in 4 years that he's now discovered and found reason to take umbrage with?

It's difficult to know whether his/your reactions are reasonable or proportional without knowing?

Because say its something like you had an abortion many years ago - its really not his business to be so affected by it. But say you might have had a one night stand in your early days of dating then yes, I could understand why he's reacted like this.

Icandothisallday · 25/05/2019 14:22

The OP hasn’t lied, she just hadn’t got around to telling him yet, and yes i’d Say if his coping mechanism is to strop off and ignore her for days, rather than have an adult conversation, then that’s pretty unreasonable.

In 4 years?

What if its 'I have 60k of debt' or a 'I have a coke habit' or 'I have 3 kids'

You cant imagine a situation where the dp would be upset and need a few days to think about what do to? Or a situation where someone should have been really honest with a partner of 4 years and not telling them was lying by default?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 25/05/2019 14:24

It really depends what it is.

You're pregnant,moving house,changing jobs , moving countries etc and you didn't tell him ,I can see why he's pissed off.

If it's you picked an extra shift at work or planned a night out with your mates then he's a dick.

Justathinslice · 25/05/2019 14:25

@SupaNintendoChalmers

Completely agree. Smile

supersop60 · 25/05/2019 14:28

If this situation was reversed, we'd all be saying - that's terrible, you must block him/go NC/take some time out while you process this etc etc.

If this is the first time he's done this in 4 years, I'd say it was something very important to him. (of course, if he's regular sulker, then bin him off)

OP - let him know you are willing to talk, then bite your lip and wait.

Justaboy · 25/05/2019 14:43

Do give us an idea OP when your likely to fess up what was said at least as a male i can give you a frank opinion;!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/05/2019 14:53

Really depends on the severity of the "what you hadn't told him yet".

As PPs have said, if it's something pretty huge then he has a right to be pissed off, although stropping off and then refusing to talk to you for several days is a piss-poor way of dealing with it when you're supposed to be an adult.
But if it's something relatively minor then it's a ridiculous way to behave.

Is it something that you feel required an apology from you, that he should hear it from someone else first? If so, have you apologised? And if you have, what did he say?

eddielizzard · 25/05/2019 14:58

I would text something like:

Well, you know I'm really sorry I hadn't told you yet. When you're ready to talk to me, I'm here.

And leave the ball in his court.

Some people DO use sulking as a form of control. Does he act like this when he doesn't get his way, in order to get you in line?

diddl · 25/05/2019 14:59

If he wants space then he should say so.

If he is ignoiring because he doesn't want to talk about wjhatever it is & thinks Op will try to make hi, then again he should say so imo.

TheAverageJuror · 25/05/2019 15:14

OP has been with partner for for years and kept god knows what secret. Comon friend told DP. DP was embarrassed and angry and is now not communicating for 2.5 day to process why wasn't he told in 4 years of relationship.

MN: He is abusive!

That can really happen just in hereHmm

princessTiasmum · 25/05/2019 16:03

It doesn;t make any difference the reason he is giving you the silent treatment, it is controlling and will wear you down
Take it from one who has been through this, and often,it is not worth your mental health suffering ,

Xmas2020 · 25/05/2019 16:24

You stop chasing him, calling him. Seriously why are you so bothered? Let him sulk, you start trying to appease him he will continually do this to you because he knows this stonewalling works. Have a bit more confidence in yourself to think fuck him, just read some of the threads on here from woman going through hell because their husbands sulked like this.

LittlePaintBox · 25/05/2019 16:37

Stop contacting him, you can't force him to reply.

I'd be seriously rethinking the 'Not living together YET', if I were you.

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