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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to a party if I can't afford a donation

108 replies

brizzlemint · 25/05/2019 12:49

Would you go if you can't afford the charity donation that the hosts have asked for in lieu of gifts or cards?

OP posts:
Bugsymalonemumof2 · 25/05/2019 16:36

I would absolutely hate for anyone I invited to come to a party not to come because of a present/donation. People's presence is more important

Newmumma83 · 25/05/2019 16:38

Hun my cousin didn’t give a gift for my wedding no harm no foul she can’t afford it

Newmumma83 · 25/05/2019 16:39

Rather she came than gave a gift or cash x

cccameron · 25/05/2019 16:46

How well do you know these people? Close friend or family then I would definitely just go along. If it was a friend I'm not that close to/workmate/aquaintance then I would feel a cheeky fucker to go to their party and eat and drink for free without taking anything.

LimeKiwi · 25/05/2019 16:49

If it was a friend I'm not that close to/workmate/aquaintance then I would feel a cheeky fucker to go to their party and eat and drink for free without taking anything

Why though? I don't get this attitude. I'd be so upset if people thought they had to get me a present whether I knew them well or not.
I'd much rather have the person I invited there!

RainbowWaffles · 25/05/2019 16:54

I would go. A gift or a card aren’t necessary prerequisites for attending a party. A donation is only to be given in lieu of a gift/card. If you were not going to give them anything then it doesn’t matter. It’s not a big deal and you are over thinking it. I have hosted many parties I have not expected gifts for. A wedding or a child’s party are the only exceptions to this IMO.

cccameron · 25/05/2019 16:56

It just wouldn't sit right with me limekiwi -having a free night out paid for by someone I'm not that close to. I just wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation without taking a gift, or in this case a donation. A close friend or family member I think is fine as I know they would want me there regardless and I would be able to reciprocate in some way in the future. It's just not the same dynamic with a workmate or acquaintance. I wouldn't expect them to have to fork out for my drinks and food all night.

Redglitter · 25/05/2019 16:58

I think its sad the number of people saying its unacceptable not to take a gift. I bet the hosts would be horrified if they thought a friend wasnt going because they couldnt afford a donation to charity.

OP go and celebrate with your friends. Make a donation to their chosen charity when you can afford to.

Marmablade · 25/05/2019 16:58

It's incase people wanted to give presents but genuinely your presence will be their present. Please don't not go. If you're important enough to them to be invited you're important to them with or without a donation.

BackforGood · 25/05/2019 16:59

Of course you should go.

Can't believe anyone is suggesting otherwise Shock

We recently had an anniversary party. I have no idea who donated and who didn't. We suggested that if people wanted to bring something, then, rather than bringing us a gift (which we really didn't want, but some people feel the need to, when invited to something), then we'd rather it was a donation to the charity of our choice. They absolutely didn't need to bring anything - as was clear on the invitation.
I'd be mortified if someone we wanted to come and share the evening with us, didn't come, because they were down on their uppers.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/05/2019 17:01

Why would one want or receive gifts for an anniversary?is it a thing
Birthdays, births,baptism,wedding gifts yes I understand
But anniversary gift. Never given one and never been invited to give gift

DramaRamaLlama · 25/05/2019 17:04

I love hosting dinners/ parties.

I'd be really upset if someone didn't come because of a lack of cash. If you can take something inexpensive but thoughtful (recently someone brought me some flowers picked from their garden - beautiful!) then do, otherwise a card is absolutely fine.

BackforGood · 25/05/2019 17:11

Why would one want or receive gifts for an anniversary?is it a thing

I don't / didn't Lipstick, BUT, I did want to invite people to come and spend time partying together. What happens, often, when people are invited to any party, is they feel they would like to take a gift. I don't want any gifts and say so on the invitation, but people still want to The compromise I've found is that if I suggest a particular charity any donations will go to, then many people will put some money into the tub in lieu of a gift. At the end of the evening, I have no idea if someone has or not (well, except those who have put cash in with their card). It seems a good compromise to try to avoid having gifts.

Original poster
brizzlemint · 25/05/2019 17:12

It's a big wedding anniversary - 50 years. The couple are doing a marathon run together and asking for donations in lieu of gifts; I had a look at their JG page and they have already raised nearly £1500 by 30 people so around £50 is expected.

OP posts:
Bronze · 25/05/2019 17:15

I'd be absolutely mortified if an invited friend thought they couldn't come to a party because they couldn't afford a gift or donation. Go. If it makes you feel better call them first & explain, I'm sure they'll tell you not to worry about the donation.

Walnutwhipster · 25/05/2019 17:17

When I had a Just Giving page for a charity event although anonymous donations appear as such on the page, I was emailed showing who gave the donation. I'm sure they'd be happy to see you, lots of people don't bring gifts to parties but don't lie and say you gave anonymously as pp suggested.

Cariadne · 25/05/2019 17:18

I think it’s fine to go. Although you might feel better by chucking in a couple of pounds (only if you can afford that though!). Proper friends want your company regardless of what you can afford.

famousfour · 25/05/2019 17:20

Of course you should go - I’m sure they invited you for you and not your donation! I would be mortified if someone chose not to attend for this type of reason. Out of interest why do you think it’s ‘expected’ Rather than just a ‘if you want to bring a gift’ type of thing?

TheInvestigator · 25/05/2019 17:22

But gifts aren't mandatory! All the people saying they wouldn't do it because they'd feel too guilty getting a free night out are talking rubbish.
It's a party. If they've chosen to provide drinks and food then that's their choice. It's a party. It doesn't require gifts or payment. That's your choice. You could always donate later on if you want too but if you are close to these people then finances shouldn't stop you going.

cccameron · 25/05/2019 17:26

Why would one want or receive gifts for an anniversary?is it a thing

My mum and dad had a golden anniversary recently lipstick and got some beautiful presents, though of course not asked for or expected. I think everyone brought something even if it was just a bottle of wine.

I'm going to a friends parents golden anniversary next week and will absolutely take a gift.

caughtinanet · 25/05/2019 17:27

Without knowing your friends it's impossible for anyone to be sure about how they'd feel about non-donators.

If you don't feel comfortable about going you've made the right choice, no point in wasting an evening with people you don't know whilst feeling bad about it.

aibutohavethisusername · 25/05/2019 17:28

I would go. As a friend I’m sure that they would be happy to see you.

Blackorblack · 25/05/2019 17:31

Is the couple really the type to a) check how much each guest has given and b) judge their own friends and family on that?

If so, then it's fair enough not to go. On the other hand, if they're nice people, they won't be doing any checking or judging and just want to celebrate in the company of people they care about.

Mummadeeze · 25/05/2019 17:37

I would go and then once I had a bit of spare money, I would donate £5 or £10 which is what I can spare for charity donations right after getting paid. I wouldn’t be able to afford £50 and would expect my friends to understand that this. I honestly don’t think your attendance at the party is related to how much money you can donate. Just go and enjoy yourself!

RainbowWaffles · 25/05/2019 17:48

Just because X number of people have donated X amount, it doesn’t follow that anything is expected. You can’t possibly be aware of who hasn’t donated. In terms of amount, it’s likely family and good friends have donated a significant amount more than 50 and casual friends less. Given the circumstances you describe, I would go to the party and donate a tenner or twenty when I had the funds. Even if you don’t go to the party, they still might be looking at you for a marathon donation regardless. I think many of us can attest to being pestered by such requests without the invite to a party!