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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to a party if I can't afford a donation

108 replies

brizzlemint · 25/05/2019 12:49

Would you go if you can't afford the charity donation that the hosts have asked for in lieu of gifts or cards?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/05/2019 14:00

Would people genuinely be offended that someone they invited to a party couldn’t afford to give anything in return? When I invite people to things it’s because I want their company

Personally I agree completely, but OP knows these folk and it may be that she's uncomfortable because she's aware it would matter to them

Then again it may not ... but as said, only she knows

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/05/2019 14:00

There’s a peculiar view in mn that every occasion requires a gift.it doesn’t
Turn up,mingle,have a laugh,have a feed
They want you as a guest not a contributor

lbergamot · 25/05/2019 14:04

How well do you know the hosts?

However I think you should go. It was an invitation to a party not a fundraising event so I don’t think there’s an obligation to give even if you could afford it.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 25/05/2019 14:11

If I was hosting that party, I'd have said that to avoid getting lots of unwanted gifts, so I wouldn't mind (or know) if somebody didn't donate.

You know your friends op, and how they are likely to intend this.

LimeKiwi · 25/05/2019 14:14

@Brizzlemint Anyway I have decided not to go and sent my apologies

Sad Is the only reason you're not going because you don't feel you can donate? For goodness sake, go! If it was my party and I knew you weren't coming because you felt bad for not donating, I'd be gutted. I'd want you there, I wouldn't give a shiny shit whether I got a present/donation/card whatever, if I've invited you it's because I want you at the party to celebrate with me, not what you do or don't bring! Some of the responses on here are Shock and pretty saddening.
Lindtnotlint · 25/05/2019 14:14

You should DEFINITELY go. If I was the host I would be so so upset if you turned down for this reason. No one will care whether you donate. Go, celebrate with them and have a lovely time.

Cornettoninja · 25/05/2019 14:17

If I knew my friend didn’t have any money and didn’t come to my party because of that I’d feel awful.

I think you should go and if it makes you feel better promise your friend a donation as soon as you have the money (make sure you do if you promise though).

LagunaBubbles · 25/05/2019 14:18

That's a shame you've decided not to go, in the process missing out on a fun social evening and your friends miss our on your company. Only better off friends then? Hmm

BummyKnocker · 25/05/2019 14:19

Go and donate later?

Poshjock · 25/05/2019 14:21

I also just want to add my voice to those saying go. I would be so hurt and upset if I thought anyone misconstrued my invitation as requiring some kind of reciprocal reward. Much as I would want my event to benefit a charity (as opposed to getting chocolates and alcohol as presents I neither need or want) I want the company of my friends and family more.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 25/05/2019 14:21

Is be so sad if a friend didn't attend my party just because they didn't have a gift. A handmade card or an old photo with a heartfelt message would be far more meaningful in any case than a £10 donation to a charity. Have you talked to them about your choice?

MatildaTheCat · 25/05/2019 14:22

Blimey, just go. They invited you because they like you and want to celebrate with you. Most attendees won’t donate- not because they can’t afford it but because they can’t be bothered.

DH did similar at his 50th where we had around 100 guests. About five made a donation. None of them was unable to afford to, they just didn’t want to.

Have a good time.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/05/2019 14:25

You should go. Don’t worry about the donation given your lack of money.

sonjadog · 25/05/2019 14:33

I would go. I would be really upset if a friend of mine didn't come to something I invited her because she thought she had to give something and couldn't afford it. The charity donation is for those who want to give something only.

Thecabbageassasin · 25/05/2019 14:42

Just go and donate directly to the charity at a later date when you’ve got more money.
I’d rather people came to my party than stayed away for something like that.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 25/05/2019 14:45

Please go, I'd be so upset if someone didn't come because they couldn't afford a gift/donation. It's optional not a requirement, it's not like they've asked you to pay for your meal and you can't.

KatnissMellark · 25/05/2019 14:48

Definitely go. I love parties and hosting- I enjoy it so much and would be so upset if someone declined due to being unable to afford a gift or donation, would hate to think of someone even worrying about it.

PlatypusPie · 25/05/2019 15:03

They want you to go, OP - that’s why they invited you. The donation to charity option is just to divert those who are unwilling to accept that the hosts really, really don’t want presents on this occasion. . They are providing a polite alternative for those who feel uncomfortable about not turning up with something in their hand.

I was invited to a significant birthday recently and the hostess made it really, really clear that she didn’t want presents or flowers or bottles of wine/fizz. I travelled there with 3 others and two of them brought large bouquets and bottles of Prosecco because ‘ you just can’t turn up with nothing ‘ . Well, yes you can if the hostess has told you, firmly - and now your ‘ feelings ‘ outweighing hers mean that she has to look after the flowers and wrangle them ( and others) home - and she’s off on a long holiday the next day, so utterly pointless !

woodcutbirds · 25/05/2019 15:20

@Brizzlemint You aren't donating because you can;t afford to, not because you can;t be arsed to or you want to spend loads of excess cash on you and you alone. Your reason is entirely valid.

Ignore the repulsive views on here (and I really do find them utterly repulsive) that you are somehow socially at fault for being poor. You are not. You have as much right to celebrate with your friends as a wealthy guest who parts with £££.

Aprillygirl · 25/05/2019 15:31

Aww "OP" I bet your friends would be mortified if you didn't turn up just because you couldn't afford a donation.Go and have fun.You were invited for your company not for how much you would give to charity x

pinkcardi · 25/05/2019 15:49

Of course you should go, absolutely.

Your friends want you there. They would be horrified to know you didn't come because of the charity donation. I know I would be so mortified if I were the host, and would feel awful that you hadn't come.

Please, go and have a wonderful time. You can make a donation in the future if funds allow, but it's entirely optional

IceIceCoffee · 25/05/2019 16:24

Go o.p
Say your situation has changed.
I know how miserable it can be having no money. Getting out will do you good.

Di11y · 25/05/2019 16:32

please go! I'd be devastated if I found out a friend had declined an invite due to funds. I want you there because your presence will enhance my evening, not because I want to raise an extra fiver for my charity

LimeKiwi · 25/05/2019 16:34

@PlatypusPie exactly, sometimes it's just because people think they have to bring something so saying "make a donation to charity" instead is just an easy way for someone to donate if they want to, or not if they don't or can't!
I had something similar when I got married a while back.
Honestly, I just wanted people to come celebrate with us. It never even occurred to me to make a wedding list or whatever.
Prospective guest -
"What are we to get you? Do you have a list?"
Me - "No, if you want to get us a present that's lovely, anything will be nice but no presents is just as fine as well, honestly"
Prospective guest - "But we need a list, what about a list, we have to get you a present" ad infinitum however much you protest
Me - "Um...."

LimeKiwi · 25/05/2019 16:35

Oops! That was long. This thread must have touched a nerve Blush Grin

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