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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to a party if I can't afford a donation

108 replies

brizzlemint · 25/05/2019 12:49

Would you go if you can't afford the charity donation that the hosts have asked for in lieu of gifts or cards?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 25/05/2019 13:38

Don't be daft. I'm sure they'd be horrified if they thought that was the reason you didn't attend. Go.

Original poster
brizzlemint · 25/05/2019 13:38

And if they do bring it up then just tell them that you didn't realise there was a just giving page so you donated directly to the charity!!! You won't go to hell for saying that

Shock I'm not doing that. Anyway I have decided not to go and sent my apologies.

OP posts:
viques · 25/05/2019 13:41

Grizzlemint, you can donate anonymously on just giving. I bet a lot of people will take that option. I know I always do.

It's a lovely day, go to the party, enjoy yourself helping to celebrate a special day with your friends. They are not going to tick you off on a list. When your finances improve make a donation then.

woodcutbirds · 25/05/2019 13:41

I find the responses on this thread very disturbing. It's not 'rude' to be poor. Friendship isn't based on financial outlay.

In your position OP, I'd go to the party to show the hosts how much I like them and appreciate their friendship, Don't let poverty freeze you out of social relationships or let others belittle you by suggesting you;d be freeloading or ride to accept an invitation without being wealthy enough to offer a gift.

Iggly · 25/05/2019 13:42

Who has a wedding anniversary party and expects presents? Madness!

Blackorblack · 25/05/2019 13:42

I think it's a pity you're not going. They haven't invited you for your donation, but to celebrate their anniversary.

I can't imagine any hosts being so crass as to make it obvious who is giving, especially when it's a celebration, not a fundraiser..

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/05/2019 13:42

Has it got to be done online, or will there be some sort of collection box at the party? If the latter I'd probably go to be sociable, put it whatever I could afford and restrict myself to just one or two drinks

That's just me though ... obviously only you can know this, but it may well be that your hosts honestly won't care either way and would simply rather you went

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/05/2019 13:43

it’s an anniversary party and a prerequisite was a donation in lieu of gift?
Presumably they’ll know who gives from the JG page?
Will they be offended if you had attended and not donated

viques · 25/05/2019 13:43

Sorry. Brizzlemint.

SoyDora · 25/05/2019 13:46

I think this thread is really sad. Would people genuinely be offended that someone they invited to a party couldn’t afford to give anything in return? When I invite people to things it’s because I want their company.

Chilledout11 · 25/05/2019 13:47

You could go and donate at a later stage.

Duck90 · 25/05/2019 13:49

The hosts are providing drinks! It’s not good form to accept drinks for free, with out a gift/donation.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/05/2019 13:49

Mn has a strangled sense of etiquette,every do attended take a gift
Every time you invite people out it’s implicit you pay the whole bill
And can’t attend an anniversary party without a contribution
Friendship is rapport,connections, not whatever fripperies were brought as gift or monies spent

Justbreathing · 25/05/2019 13:50

If you were my friend I would be upset that you didn’t go for that reason

Blackorblack · 25/05/2019 13:52

I bet lots of the guests don't donate to the charity.

It's just to avoid being given a pile of unwanted and unneeded gifts.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 25/05/2019 13:52

Bullshit is it rude not to give if you can't afford to.

An invitation to a party is just that - they want your company to celebrate their event. A card is more than sufficent. I would be heartbroken if people didn't show up because they thought I would judge them if they chose not to give.

Beautiful3 · 25/05/2019 13:53

This is so sad. I'm sure they would love to see you. The charity thing is just to stop people buying presents as they don't want any. Please go.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/05/2019 13:53

I think it does matter whether the hosts are actively touting for donations ie they see their party as a fundraiser and the guests as cash cows (in which case they are self-righteous virtue signallers and their party probably won't be any fun) - or if they are, like PP have suggested, people who don't want/need gifts and have suggested donations to fend off those who will turn up with naff mugs or 'it's prosecco o'clock' wall hangings or whatever. In which case they would be upset that OP felt she couldn't go for that reason.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 25/05/2019 13:53

"The hosts are providing drinks! It’s not good form to accept drinks for free, with out a gift/donation."

It's a PARTY not a transaction.

EmbarassingQuestion · 25/05/2019 13:53

I'd be totally mortified if someone didn't attend my party because they couldn't make a donation. I have asked for donations in lieu of presents before and it never occurred to me it might put people off coming. To be honest, I'd be far more offended if they just sat at home :(

Definitely go!! Have they specified an amount? Could you give a small donation?

InglouriousBasterd · 25/05/2019 13:53

Oh what a sad thread. I’d be so upset if I found out a friend wasn’t attending my party for this reason. They aren’t friends with you for your finances.

MenaMum · 25/05/2019 13:54

I think you should go. If you've already sent apologies I would quickly phone and say the situation has changed and you would love to attend.

I agree that they have asked for donations so that they don't get unwanted/needed gifts and that it is not a requisite for attendance.

Elphame · 25/05/2019 13:55

I'd be upset too if that was given as a reason for no attending.

I'm way past the stage of sending out duty invites. If I invite you then it's because I want your company, not for what you can give/bring.

TheInvestigator · 25/05/2019 13:57

0P, it's a party. It's not a fundraiser. It's a party for their anniversary. What they want is friends and family to celebrate with them and make them the centre of attention for the evening. They would be really upset if half the guests didn't come because they couldn't afford a donation. It's not pay per view when you're friends!!!

They won't care. It's not a fundraiser. If they held a fundraiser and you went and ate and drank but didn't donate then that would be cheeky. But it's a party for their annivesary; the donation is an option for anyone who wants to give a gift. If you want to go and party with them then go and party!

Original poster
brizzlemint · 25/05/2019 13:57

Have they specified an amount? Could you give a small donation?

No they haven't and no I can't as I am £2 over my overdraft limit. There is no money.

OP posts: