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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp insists I need a reality check?

75 replies

Groundcoral · 25/05/2019 10:07

I’ve reached a point where I realize I’ve made my entire life about other people. Be it DP, our DC, family and friends. I’ve had this epiphany and realized my self esteem/confidence is in the toilet when I compare it to how I was before kids and DP and I ask myself-is this normal for women to become ground down where we question who we are? Feeling like a shadow of the former confident, outgoing, successful and financially well off woman I was.

Health issues have plagued me for a few years and as a result depression too. A lot of traumatic events have happened, out of my control but overall feel like we have healed and come through them. Even though health issues are ongoing. I’m in a better headspace and coping better.

Im not the type of person who asks for help. Mainly because I am very aware of other people and their lives/burdens they carry and always think I need to just get on with it.

Simple things like asking my DP to grab a few items from the shop always result in drama - he forgets, gets the wrong items and I end up so frustrated wishing I’d gone myself.

Reality right now I am retraining profession f/t so not contributing financially although I manage the finances and budget etc. I do all home duties, cooking, pets, washing (not ironing). When Dp gets home he can relax after a long day at the office.

I love Dp and he is a good man. He is quick to tell me he’s a good husband and when I bring things to his attention says he could be in a pub but is instead home. As if I should be grateful and keep quiet.

I feel like I need to be grateful and I am grateful for our life together. It just leaves me feeling that nothing will change. Dp insists I need a reality check... after a bit of a row this morning. I’m starting to think I need a new life!

Feel as though my needs are not important. If he does anything over and above the basics-It’s a bonus. Aibu to think he needs the reality check? That while he’s a good man - I’m a good wife and mother... just feel unappreciated, disrespected and not valued.

OP posts:

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 25/05/2019 10:32

I don’t think yabu actually

You don’t sound happy - I would stop talking and just start making changes. See where you go and take it from there...

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/05/2019 10:36

He's right, you have the luxury of training whilst not having to work and that is down to him supporting the whole family financially. It is something to be grateful for.

I'm not sure why he needs a reality check.

If you're unhappy being home then find work and train around it.

VanillaCoconutDove · 25/05/2019 10:44

How old are your children?

Vulpine · 25/05/2019 10:50

You're retraining and looking after house and kids. Not sure why you should be 'grateful'!

Daenerys77 · 25/05/2019 11:00

Anyone who keeps pointing out that he is a good husband almost certainly isn't.

Original poster

Groundcoral · 25/05/2019 11:02

We have twins who are 10.

OP posts:

LillithsFamiliar · 25/05/2019 11:07

I'm not sure why it's better that your DH sits in the house not helping rather than sitting in the pub not helping but I agree with a PP that someone who tells you they're a good husband knows that they're not.
Your needs are important. You need to stop looking to your DH to validate you and/or give you permission to feel unhappy/happy/make changes.
You might benefit from counselling to work out what you want. You've defined yourself in relation to others for too long.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 25/05/2019 11:08

I think you need something for yourself. A hobby, a couple of nights away from the house.

Mumminmum · 25/05/2019 11:11

he sounds like he thinks that all it takes to be a good husband is to not hit you and not have a drinking problem. That is setting the bar pretty low, don't you think? Maybe read this blog and show it to your husband. mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/

Could be that he needs to hear from another man that he needs to set the bar for his own behaviour a bit higher.

Original poster

Groundcoral · 25/05/2019 11:12

@ice cream & candyfloss ; I’m not “unhappy” being home.

It seems that because Dp is providing financially that I need to not speak up about anything that’s important to me.

OP posts:

HypatiaCade · 25/05/2019 11:14

How long will you be retraining for until you're fully qualified?

LatentPhase · 25/05/2019 11:16

If you’re supposed to be grateful for him - is he grateful for you?

You’ve just swapped one FT job (cook, cleaner, PA, laundry, mental load for family life) for two. But he couldn’t give a shiny sh1t.

I would stop washing his clothes, cooking his dinners and then have another convo about gratitude.

Dontthinkofthegame · 25/05/2019 11:17

I think it says more about the people telling you that you should be grateful and their self esteem than it does you.

Obviously he is BU, you contribute just as much as he does albeit in a different way.

That you have been ‘allowed’ to retrain has, I presume, come at the price of you staying at home, keeping house and bringing up children for the last 10 years, hardly a small contribution.

Had you been able to work or continue an education whilst having children (which obviously would’ve meant your DH pitching in much more) I imagine you would’ve done that instead.

I would say he is also very unreasonable about his quip about the pub too.

What do you want to do about it? He isn’t going to magically start respecting you so you need to proactively do something to change his mind. Marriage Counselling, leaving him to do everything for a week, leaving him completely, writing out what your average day is/has been etc etc only you know what will work or even if you want to bother trying.

CostanzaG · 25/05/2019 11:17

It seems like there is an unequal power balance. He feels like he's the world's greatest husband and as he's providing financially you don't get to complain about anything.

nonsenceagain · 25/05/2019 11:19

If your DP can’t pick up a few things from the shop then he has a problem, not you.

ShawshanksRedemption · 25/05/2019 11:20

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

The reality check for DP is that he gets to work, progress his career and have a family life to come back to with no added expectation that he will contribute mentally/physically with the running of the home, because the OP is at home doing all that. Once the OP goes out to work, DP will need to know that the status quo will change.

Women who stay at home to raise kids get very little recognition for it. They risk their ability to support themselves adequately should the partnership break up. Society doesn't praise women for raising kids and staying at home to do so, it's very undervalued and seen by some as old fashioned. It can also be very isolating. If women went to work however they may get recognition and feedback on the job they are doing and some feeling of self-value.

@Groundcoral
I think you need to sit down with your DP and work out between you what it takes to earn the money and run the household. DP needs acknowledgment for working hard, and he may feel that he is not appreciated for that. I know my own DH felt the weight of responsibility was all on his shoulders and that worried him a great deal. I think a little understanding on both sides that you're both working hard in different ways to have the life you currently have will go a long way.

Original poster

Groundcoral · 25/05/2019 11:25

Wow mumminmum, I have just read the first letter in that blog. 😭

It will take a few more years to retrain.

Between us, I gave up my extremely demanding but well paid job and we have managed to do more with our finances (include increase our savings) with me not working because we became much more intentional about our finances and budgeting rather just blow big amounts of cash because we had it and could.

So financially I might not be contributing in the primary sense of the word... but my contribution to everything else I do impacts our finances greatly. So much so that we can say we are better off now than we were even when I was working and earning “really good” money.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 25/05/2019 11:26

He thinks you're his servant, and should know your place. Any of the 'traumatic events' you refer to caused by his behaviour, by any chance?

sackrifice · 25/05/2019 11:27

Simple things like asking my DP to grab a few items from the shop always result in drama - he forgets, gets the wrong items and I end up so frustrated wishing I’d gone myself.

Yes - competent incompetence. Designed so you don't ask again.

Does he go back and rectify his mistake or do you pick up the pieces?

ReanimatedSGB · 25/05/2019 11:29

Xpost. Did you want to give up work, or did he think your job was 'too demanding' in that it meant he had to do his share of domestic work and childcare?

Also: you refer to him as DP not DH. If you are not married but have stopped working and are relying on him to support you financially, you're in a fairly insecure position.

clairemcnam · 25/05/2019 11:30

I retrained full time for a year. My DP supported that because he loves me and did not expect me to be grateful or do more than my fair share at home.
You know OP that in your husband's eyes you come last sadly. He has a woman who looks after the kids, cooks and cleans, and is retraining presumably so you will be able to get a better job. Alongside that you are struggling with health issues. All he is doing is working full time, the bare minimum.
Not even being able to ask him to pick up a few things at the shops is shit, and you know it OP.

By reality check, he is saying that you just need to accept this shit relationship. By the way, it doesn't matter if some women are in worse relationships. What matters is that you are in a relationship with a man who will not help at all and expects you to be grateful because he is sitting at home doing nothing.

You know OP that you need to leave him I expect. But plan your exit carefully.

megletthesecond · 25/05/2019 11:32

You don't need a reality check.

You have a DP problem .

forkfun · 25/05/2019 11:32

Sit down with your whole family and work out together what needs to change do everyone contributes and everyone is happy. Don't get dragged into conversations about who does more , earns more, etc. Just focus on how you can work as a family unit to keep a nice home, eat good food, pay bills,be fulfilled in what you do and have a good time.

billy1966 · 25/05/2019 11:34

Reality check is right.
He doesn't sound like a great husband.
He sounds like he has a great opinion of himself, whilst setting the bar extremely low as to what a good husband is.

You sound very unhappy, and why wouldn't you be.
Your starting point is to tell him you are very unhappy in your marriage.

If he is aggressive and demeaning of you, you have your answer.

Start doing a lot, lot less for everyone in the house. Make his life less comfortable and start planning for a life without him.
Good luck.

clairemcnam · 25/05/2019 11:35

forkfun Really?? It is clear the OP's DP is not interested in being reasonable and working as a family unit. Your advice is useful where all it needs is good communication to resolve the situation. That is not the situation here. The OP is being abused. Her partner is coercive. Talking will not change that.

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