Dp insists I need a reality check?

[Groundcoral]

I’ve reached a point where I realize I’ve made my entire life about other people. Be it DP, our DC, family and friends. I’ve had this epiphany and realized my self esteem/confidence is in the toilet when I compare it to how I was before kids and DP and I ask myself-is this normal for women to become ground down where we question who we are? Feeling like a shadow of the former confident, outgoing, successful and financially well off woman I was.

Health issues have plagued me for a few years and as a result depression too. A lot of traumatic events have happened, out of my control but overall feel like we have healed and come through them. Even though health issues are ongoing. I’m in a better headspace and coping better.

Im not the type of person who asks for help. Mainly because I am very aware of other people and their lives/burdens they carry and always think I need to just get on with it.

Simple things like asking my DP to grab a few items from the shop always result in drama - he forgets, gets the wrong items and I end up so frustrated wishing I’d gone myself.

Reality right now I am retraining profession f/t so not contributing financially although I manage the finances and budget etc. I do all home duties, cooking, pets, washing (not ironing). When Dp gets home he can relax after a long day at the office.

I love Dp and he is a good man. He is quick to tell me he’s a good husband and when I bring things to his attention says he could be in a pub but is instead home. As if I should be grateful and keep quiet.

I feel like I need to be grateful and I am grateful for our life together. It just leaves me feeling that nothing will change. Dp insists I need a reality check... after a bit of a row this morning. I’m starting to think I need a new life!

Feel as though my needs are not important. If he does anything over and above the basics-It’s a bonus. Aibu to think he needs the reality check? That while he’s a good man - I’m a good wife and mother... just feel unappreciated, disrespected and not valued.

OP listen to your gut feelings. It is clear you know what is really happening and what you need to do. Hang on to that.
One thing that can help in your situation is to allow yourself to feel the anger you will have about how he treats you. And use the anger to give you the energy to change things.

Just because he’s not in the pub every night, that doesn’t mean he’s a good husband!

Am I right I’m thinking that you’re out all day? Or is it a degree course? You need to calculate the ‘free’ time you each have, then discuss what’s fair around the house.

Say to him-I’m out of the house 9-5, as are you. You’re not thinking that because I’m not paid, that all household should fall to me, are you? What about when I’m full time and earning? What will happen then?

Will your salary and working hours when qualified be comparable to his? (Please don’t tell me you’re doing teaching or I’ll have to write a whole different reply )

Sorry, I don't think anything will change.

Good Husbands are like Nice Guys. They tell you they are but their actions show otherwise. If they were actually good they wouldn't have to tell you. Good husband should be the bare minimum standard of being a husband.

This sounds to me like an individual crisis.

As in, your sense of self has taken a bit of a beating and you feel like something is missing?

Perfectly understandable. When I first had DS, I suddenly had this huge identity thing to deal with. It was quite overwhelming. I still have it a bit now but am looking forward to getting back into work to form my own identity again.

I think once you've done your training and gotten into work this will give you a sense of self again. Try a hobby too? Somewhere where you can grow outside of your relationship and family. It is very important and shouldn't be underestimated.

That doesn't mean you aren't grateful for your OH being the sole earner at the moment. But you're not exactly sat on your arse doing fuck all either and he needs to appreciate that too. 'I'm a good husband' could equally be rebutted with 'I'm a good wife'.

It irritates me, the "all the other lads I know are out every weekend, so you should be grateful that I'm not and doesn't that make me a wonderful person". No. It fucking doesn't. It doesn't automatically make you a better person. Just because everyone else around you is a shitbag, that doesn't make you a saint by comparison.

If he says it again, say that he should be grateful of your contribution to the household. Not everyone does it. Not every wife would do what you do. Both are equally lame arguments so perhaps that point is moot and should stop being raised?

I gave up my job because we were at breaking point. The great demands of his job and mine and small children took its toll. So he insisted to make me happier - I should give up my job.

It did alleviate the pressure my job brought and we did some work (therapy) to get back on track. But me giving up my job meant I could ease any pressure I put on him to help more with the kids. In fairness I also felt guilt asking him to do anything because I equated it as well I will pick up all the slack at home. So “we” can be happy!

Traumatic events brought on by dd stillbirth, family drama, serious illness.

OP you have been through some very traumatic times, had therapy together, and he still doesn't get it. You know he never will?

He’s a lazy arse. Being an adult with a family doesn’t juts mean you go to work and any non work time is leisure /relaxing. If he’d wanted that he should have stayed a bachelor. Even then he’d have to cook /clean. You should both have downtime and leisure time. You’re retraining, it’s not like your at home all day alone relaxing!

I’m so sorry to hear the trauma you’ve been through. You deserve more help and support.

He could be in the Pub but is obviously gracing you with his presence, he is the one who needs a reality check, is this a partnership or are you really just a slave who should know her place?

If he has to keep saying he is a good husband then he isn't.
You are working full time re-training and running the household. He is also working full time. Therefore when he comes home in the evening, tasks should be shared out so that both can have downtime - not you continue to work while he lounges about at home (instead of at the pub).
He is bringing in all the money to the home at the moment but that does not entitle him to have you acting as servant and being grateful to him all the time. Obviously him earning means that you are able to retrain but you are doing this in order to be able to gt a job and contribute to the household when you are qualified.

Don't know what to advise really - but YADNBU.

Yes good point, even as a single man living alone he would have to do more than je is currently doing.
And if you live without him, you will be doing less.
But importantly, its not good for kids to grow up thinking this is what a normal relationship is like.

It’s your responsibility to make yourself happy though, not his. You’re not doing the housework just for him and the kids, it benefits you too. I hate housework and do bugger all. I therefore have to accept that often it is not as nice as I like because I don’t look after it. You could do the same if you wanted though.

You are doing the right thing by retraining....why do you think you need a new life if surely that s imminent when you get a new career? When you are out the house as much as him stuff will change,

I study full time op and will be for the next 3 years. Dh works full time. In the evenings and at weekends all tasks are split equally, in fact if I've got assignments due in, he sees to everything, even after working all day.
You need to have the confidence to stick up for yourself the next time you discuss this with him. You are right and he isn't being fair, he's looking down on you and your role. I can't believe what an arse he is being especially after everything you have been through.
If he says he is a good husband and he could be down the pub tell him you're not stopping but the door will be locked when he gets back.

He's an abusive controlling misogynist, OP. I knew it would be his idea that you gave up your job - men like this cannot bear a woman to be successful in her own right.
He will have been working on wrecking your self esteem since, oh, at least the first DC arrived. Because a man like this wants a humble, grateful, self-loathing servant, not a partner.

Have you, by any chance, moved away from friends and family because he wanted to? Has he put pressure on you to see less of your own friends or family?

He is quick to tell me he’s a good husband and when I bring things to his attention says he could be in a pub but is instead home.

A good husband would not need to point out he is a good husband. Same as those people who insist they are nice, tend to not be nice as a nice person wouldn't need to constantly say it!

He sounds like a dick tbh, yes he could be in the pub doing fuck all. And? You are meant to be grateful that he sits seemingly doing fuck all, while telling you he is a good husband because he does nothing in your house instead of doing nothing in the pub?!

Allhailtheszun Have you read the OPs updates? She used to be out of the house full time working, and he was exactly the same. No he won't change. He obviously sees childcare and housework as "women's work", and not anything to do with him.

A lot to think about on here.

I don’t see myself as a victim of a bad husband, not at all. I believe he is a “good”man but I also think we “operate” better when I’m quiet, don’t need help, get on with it all and smile - telling him I appreciate him working so hard for us.

Then it leads me to realize how his life has changed since we started our life together. He has thrived, yes we have worked through some tough times, but financially he’s doing so much better, professionally excelled, amazing hobbies and time to do them.

I on the other hand feel the opposite. In reality it is the opposite. So I’m retraining so that when I re-enter the work place I’m qualified in something I’ve always been passionate about. I’ve obviously have beautiful dc and I do love him but with him saying I need a reality check - I start to wonder if I really do need one? Or if he really is a bigger part of the problem than I thought he was. From the responses I reckon now he is more of a problem... than I probably thought.

I have a responsibility in this and need to address this and figure it out too.

Not retraining to be a teacher.... lol

Drama with certain members of my family have meant we have no contact. We have mostly always lived apart from our families.

So he is a good man if you agree with him and don't say anything he disagrees with? Do you really think honestly this is a description of a good man?

I think you equate a good husband with one who provides financially- whilst you feel that the household work isn't a proper job. I know. I've done it too and like me you need to get yourself out of that mindset that you owe him something. You didn't give up work to make things easier for you- you gave up work to make things easier for everyone especially him. He's ended up successful, financially well off with his free time as his own. This hasn't happened by a miracle or solely his own work- it was a team effort. You've ended up guilty, undervalued with low confidence. Retraining to get your life back is not a gift to be bestowed by him for which you feel grateful- it's the least he can doto support it. Not pulling his weight while you do it is pretty shitty tbh.

I haven't read the whole thread but what occurs to me is that chances are he feels the same way. I know that when my dh used to list all his woes I would stand there thinking that I felt exactly the same way as him, most people do in our circs.

Having said that, yanbu to feel the way you do - that is a different point entirely. Maybe focus on changing things and talk with him about specific things you want to change rahter than everything all at once, or just focus on what you can change.

It is up to you whether or not you need a RC. It is a bit rude to say someone else needs a RC (ie it was a bit rude of him to say it)

I gave up my job because we were at breaking point. The great demands of his job and mine and small children took its toll. So he insisted to make me happier - I should give up my job.

That sentence speaks volumes to me. He's been planning and instigating this for years.

I'm tired of men thinking their great partners/husbands if they provide financially, don't hit you, don't cheat on you and aren't out gallivanting every night. It saddens me that women accept this as an adequate relationship.

I think you need to reassess your marriage Op and make steps towards independence.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? About how you feel that whilst you are grateful that he is working and providing he has had the opportunity to thrive whilst your life has changed completely and you only exist to serve others and are not the person you used to be? Is he sympathetic? Does he agree that you've changed? Does he think this is fair or just expected for women? It's patronising but I think men respond best to "rescue me" conversations. Tell him how you are feeling and ask for him to help you rediscover yourself.

Also the incompetence thing is infuriating. Don't stand for it. Every time he fucks up say 'I manage it. Why can't you?'

I think at this time in life a degree of 'where did the old me go?' is normal. Kids/elderly parents/responsibility etc. But he should be sharing that load with you.

You definitely need a hobby that is totally all yours that he fully supports you in. Try something completely different with a good social scene so you feel invigorated by new faces and new challenges.