Dp insists I need a reality check?

[Groundcoral]

I’ve reached a point where I realize I’ve made my entire life about other people. Be it DP, our DC, family and friends. I’ve had this epiphany and realized my self esteem/confidence is in the toilet when I compare it to how I was before kids and DP and I ask myself-is this normal for women to become ground down where we question who we are? Feeling like a shadow of the former confident, outgoing, successful and financially well off woman I was.

Health issues have plagued me for a few years and as a result depression too. A lot of traumatic events have happened, out of my control but overall feel like we have healed and come through them. Even though health issues are ongoing. I’m in a better headspace and coping better.

Im not the type of person who asks for help. Mainly because I am very aware of other people and their lives/burdens they carry and always think I need to just get on with it.

Simple things like asking my DP to grab a few items from the shop always result in drama - he forgets, gets the wrong items and I end up so frustrated wishing I’d gone myself.

Reality right now I am retraining profession f/t so not contributing financially although I manage the finances and budget etc. I do all home duties, cooking, pets, washing (not ironing). When Dp gets home he can relax after a long day at the office.

I love Dp and he is a good man. He is quick to tell me he’s a good husband and when I bring things to his attention says he could be in a pub but is instead home. As if I should be grateful and keep quiet.

I feel like I need to be grateful and I am grateful for our life together. It just leaves me feeling that nothing will change. Dp insists I need a reality check... after a bit of a row this morning. I’m starting to think I need a new life!

Feel as though my needs are not important. If he does anything over and above the basics-It’s a bonus. Aibu to think he needs the reality check? That while he’s a good man - I’m a good wife and mother... just feel unappreciated, disrespected and not valued.

Really silly to suggest her dp ‘made’ her give up work to meet his own agenda of keeping OP subservient. It obviously could be the case, but it’s more likely, reading the posts, that it was a decision made by both of them at the time to make life easier. It’s common for women, and men, to lose a bit of themselves following having DCs. You can no longer focus on just yourself, but have your DP and DCs to now consider when making any decisions. I too felt I was a shadow of my former self during the early years of raising DCs, but a time does come when you’re not pulled in several different directions, when you can focus more on yourself. And yes OP should feel grateful for having the opportunity to retrain; how I would have loved to have been able to do that but the reality is that the majority of families need to have two working people to meet the costs of raising a family.

Always difficult when you are just getting one side of the story out of context. We can all say unreasonable silly things in anger/frustration. However, that aside, I presume you’d both had a conversation around how things would work (finances, etc) and no one should ever be ‘grateful’ their partner isn’t in the pub all the time. Other than that, it’s nigh on impossible to judge without hearing/seeing both sides.

OP you have been ground down, your DH has thrived and you have shrunken in. That is not a good life. Honestly the therapy was wasted on you both as none of you changed. If you cannot see that he is not a good husband and not a good person then you will remain unhappy for the rest of your life together. If you were given 6 months to live would you want to spend it like this? If not, make the changes you need in your life - forget about him, he is not going to change.

Op, be careful of how much store you set by these responses. It's very common on mumsnet for the man to be painted as the worst thing possible and women urged to end their marriages. I'm really not sure why, but it is what it is and it can be damaging.

If you're not happy talk to him, explain you want him to do more round the house.

How many hours per day does your training take v how long is he at work, inc any commute for both of you?

Bluntness The OP has already went down the route of trying to explain. I suspect those saying the only real choice is to leave him, have read the whole thread rather than just the first post.

There's an interview of jada pinket smith talking to her daughter.and telling her that she can't look after everyone without seeing to her needs first.

I see this a lot with my mother and it makes me sad.

Agree with some of the more rational posts on here; it definitely isn’t a LTB scenario. Just sit down and talk - he just may not realise the strength of your feelings over this. Sounds like in the past he has made an effort to sort out previous issues, so there is some element there of wanting to help meet your needs. Who knows, during the talk he might raise issues he finds difficult, which you are unaware of, then you can both help each other address problems together.

clairemcnam just because previous attempts to explain haven’t worked, it doesn’t mean you should stop trying. He has made some efforts previously, which makes me think there is some hope there. It amazes me how people on mumsnet churn out LTB so flippantly. Splitting a family up is absolutely devastating, and should only ever be a last resort. I don’t have the perfect DP, as I suspect many others on here don’t. Marriage needs enormous effort and work.

LiveLove why would any husband or wife feel the need to point out repeatedly that they're a good spouse? I've been married years and we've never said anything of the sort to one and other.

Were you the one who fixed things in your childhood family. The one who sorted everyone else out? That could be why you have inadvertantly ended up doing the same in adulthood.
If you are super competent and get on with stuff why would your DH think you might be unhappy. If you have alway done everything why would it occur to him to step in.
The way to change someone is to change yourself and that will have knock on effects. Getting someone else to do stuff usually means it isn't done to your standards but that is something you have to accept. Make changes. Get a cleaner/s, arrange how you can manage to be out more. He will adapt if he has to. And the benefit for him will be a happier more interesting and more interested wife.

It's perfectly possible for an otherwise good man to abuse his partner. Abuse isn't about being an evil monster, it's about wanting to have power and control over another person. People with all kinds of wonderful qualities engage in abusive behaviour, sadly.

Op, you're right to take your time to process the different comments you've had here.

If you would like to understand more about the dynamics people are describing as abusive so that you have the information you need to weigh up for yourself whether you think it fits, the Freedom Programme can help. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

There's an online version of the course for £10 or you can join the group version for free. It's just information, not therapy, and nobody will tell you what to do or suggest you end the relationship. If you go to a group they also won't expect you to share anything with the group. It's just about helping you to weigh up what's going on and giving you the knowledge to take charge of your life and shape it into something that works for you.

It teaches about healthy relationships as well as the dynamics of abuse, so it's helpful not just in terms of evaluating how things are now, but how you'd like them to be and whether or not that's possible (eg depending on whether things are just unhealthy and can be worked on, or whether there is abuse).

Your DP is the one that needs the reality check, not you. It seems to me that both of you working wasn't working for you all as a family, so one of you gave up work to take care of the children, the home and everything else that needs doing.

It happened to be you. It could as easily have been him. But you sacrificed a lot, not just financially, but in terms of status, career prospects, mental stimulation and, to some degree, respect. Now, he thinks all he has to do is pay the bills and come home of an evening to fulfill his repsonsibilities as a partner and a parent.

Well, bollocks to that.

Work out how much it would have cost you to have had a nanny, a cleaner, a cook, a part-time PA or similar to do all the household admin and possibly a gardener for the 10 years since you gave up paid work. Add it all up. That is the value of your labour over the years, but you did it for free.

FWIW, when my DP was working for a payroll company that specialised in domestic staff, a housekeeper got about £24k a year NET of tax and NI, and had accommodation provided. Gross pay must have been about £30k. Nannies got around £24k gross.

Food for thought, eh?

Claire, your post is illogical I clearly have read the thread or I wouldn't know people were urging her to leave her marriage and not just one poster. Try to have some common sense please

And this isn't an end your marriage scenario at this stage. Appalling people are suggesting it is.

citadel not saying at all that someone should repeatedly say they’re a good husband; what I’m trying to say is that in the grand scheme of things it does warrant being labelled abusive behaviour. He may be insecure himself and saying it more to get confirmation for himself? Maybe it’s more of an open question, waiting for op to either confirm he is, or telling him that’s not the case, and why?

Thing is, there are a lot of familiar tropes in the OP's story. He's a 'good' man because he earns money and doesn't beat her, and there is no mention of sexual coercion. However, he does no domestic work or childcare and makes it clear that because he earns the money, she is his obedient servant. There was 'pressure' and the relationship was at breaking point - and the solution to this was for the OP to submit and sacrifice her career, rather than for any kind of compromise to be reached, because this man considers domestic work and childcare beneath him, and professional work above women. The language used is a giveaway, too - she wants to be regarded as a person in her own right, and for him to do his share of domestic work and he tells her she needs a' reality check'? He means: You are a servant. Know your place. Or you will be punished.

Op redefine yourself for you going forward. But I disagree with those saying leave. Marriages take work and up and downs, I dont think what you have posted is a ltb situation.

Single parenthood is far harder in many different ways. And who's to say you will be happier then?

So other than money, what does he bring to your life?

Could you go back to your old career without needing to do the retraining you are currently doing? Now your DCs are nearly out of primary school and wouldn't need as much running around after them, could you cope with the stress of your old job?

It does sound like you are in fulltime education, and then fitting running the home single handedly. Similar stress to working full time and looking after the home as you did before....

Be careful if you are determined to continue with your training to this particular new career path - he may well realise that you are unhappy and if you became able to support you and the DDs without him, he would be out on his ear/be expected to step up and be an equal in the home. He may start trying to sabotage your study.

But I would really think about your old career and if it's an option, rather than tying yourself into a situation that makes you miserable for sevearl more years in the hope of higher happiness at work in the distant future.

It’s him that needsthe reality check. Sit down and work out how much time he gets to himself, and the same for you. It needs to be equal. Or else he’s saying that the money he provides buys him a servant, which is you.
And the kids need to pull their weight too. At 10 they can lay table and wash up, do their packed lunches if applicable. Keep their rooms tidy, and do various laundry tasks. Make snacks drinks and sandwiches. General housework like hoovering, and cleaning bathrooms.

You need to be part of a team, not servicing a group of people.

It sounds lovely ke you are o the cusp of making your lovely fe a whole lot better.
You can all flourish.

I'm sure alot of husbands would prefer a wife who kept quiet, didnt ask for help, smiled and just got on with things, but you're not a stepford wife. By telling you thst you need a reality check and you should be grateful he's trying to shut you down and doesn't want to listen to you moaning. Bollox to that!

OP I am sorry, I posted when I hadn't read the updates,and "woes" was the wrong word, it sounds minimising of the traumatic events which i didn't intend.

Dp and I spoke through things tonight and he apologized for his “heat of the moment” comments. We have agreed strategies going forward for him to take more responsibility with dc and getting in help for the house. This will impact financially but I’ve explained how I feel with the lack of support and ongoing struggles with health. I shared the blog with him... he asked me if I plan to divorce him. I don’t plan to but I’m faced with the contrast of where we both are in our life and I’m going to put the work in to build up my self esteem and confidence. Retraining is obviously helping me and will continue to help me here. Having sunk my teeth into something, probably the only thing I know, I enjoy.

Mogonfoxnight - thanks for your post. It’s ok. Life does dish some hard to handle things sometimes.

Appreciate all the advice and awareness too that this is not a healthy situation. One I’ve no doubt helped to create too but nevertheless needs addressing.

Other than the word "woes" I was trying to say (and will try to say without putting my foot in it again) that he may feel the same way as you, ie the feelings you referred to in the last bit of your OP. So, you may look at his life and think it looks awesome but he may feel the same way as you. Just as he looks at your life and thinks it looks great and tells you you need a reality check.

I think telling someone they need a reality check is really rude, personally - whether him to you or you to him. It is important for you both to validate each other's feelings.

I also think in fairness that when you gave up work it was your decision, whether he was persuasive with his "you'll be happier" or not.

But having said that, you can see things going forward as a blank slate, in terms of agreement with him and decisions.

Those are my thoughts anyway - you may disagree! Good luck!

What do you want to change? Kids are 10 they can help with prepping dinner, laying table doing washing up, putting washing on, sorting and putting away. Start there and work up