To be hurt that my best friend hasn't called me or visited me since my mum died.

[CariadBach33]

Sorry, this is long. NC as last posts could out me. But to give background, I lost my mum last month and it has hit me hard.

I've done the majority of organising the funeral and wake on my own (My brother attended one meeting at undertakers, didn't help me set up the function room for the wake, or clear up afterwards), I've been clearing her flat, again my brother hasn't helped at all. Extended family lives too far away to help.

I'm signed off work with stress and anxiety at the moment, I feel sick every day and can't face food. I've lost nearly a stone in a month.

Anyway, I would not have got through the last month without my amazing DP and friends. I've had friends come to mum's flat to help me as my brother wasn't helping, then my brother's friends rocked up to wake venue the morning of funeral to help me, as they knew I was setting the room up on my own, while also vomiting all morning.

Then I've had other friends making me food to try and get me to eat, or taking me down the pub for a chat and to get out of the house, plus loads of friends calling every few days to see how I am coping. Two friends sent flowers too.

Despite all of this amazing support, I'm oddly just totally focused on the fact that one of my best friends (let's call her Pippa) has not called me, or even attempted to arrange to see me.

I hang out with Pippa and another best friend (let's call her Lauren) as a threesome, we meet about once a month for food, or drinks, we would like to meet more, but all work FT and have hobbies and lots of other friends. Plus Lauren lives nearly 20 miles away.

Since my mum died, they've both texted often and I've shared that I'm really struggling. Lauren has tried 4 times in the last month for us all to meet up, but Pippa has been non-committal, or cancels last minute and says Lauren should go ahead and see me without her. Which we have done. Lauren has kindly made the nearly 40 mile round trip just to see me for a couple of hours.

Pippa didn't attend my mum's funeral due it clashing with other plans, which I understood. I also understand that she's busy, but if she lost a parent and implied she was struggling, I would be there in a heartbeat for her.

I met Lauren again this week, Pippa had pulled out of meeting us last minute as she had a hobby that night and wouldn't have much time after work and before the hobby to meet us.

While with Lauren, I said that I feel like a bitch for saying it (as I'm not a gossip, or back stabber), but I'm incredibly hurt by Pippa's lack of support. We are all straight down the line kind of women, we are always honest with each other and we've never fallen out. I asked Lauren if I should mention how I feel to Pippa.

Lauren was like, "God mate, I'm glad you said it out loud, I've been really saddened by Pippa's behaviour too, but didn't say anything in case you were fine with it. But I agree, she's let you down."

We didn't talk about it too long, because it felt like we were betraying Pippa talking about her behind her back. But Lauren is 50/50 whether I should mention to Pippa how hurt I am. I'm the same, part of me thinks, I don't have the RIGHT to make demands of her time, but at the same time, I need my friends more than ever right now.

So there's more. Pippa is pregnant with her first child, a little boy. Lauren and I don't have kids yet. The pregnancy is going really well thankfully and we've been so happy to see Pippa so happy. Lauren thinks maybe I shouldn't broach it as she might just be wrapped up in her pregnancy and has not realised that she's not been supportive, plus me broaching it might cause her undue stress. Which I wouldn't want. Pippa is very calm person, doesn't do drama, which is part of her appeal, I hate drama too.

So, my question is AIBU to expect more? Does pregnancy make you less aware of close friends feelings? Should I broach it?

I know I sound self-pitying, I'm lucky to have such supportive mates, but for one of my best friends to not even pick up the phone? I'm so upset. Guess I'm just licking my wounds right now.

Weird, but over the years I've found that grief can make others wary of getting too close and for some reason it is magnified when pregnant.
She is not being unkind. She is protecting herself from strong emotions and maybe being pregnant means that her 'mask' of strength will fail dramatically.
She'll be there for you, give her time.

Very sorry for your loss OP your brother sounds like he needs a kick up the backside leaving you to deal with everything.

Very pleased to hear you've had some good support off others. As for Pippa i definitely think it's something you need to talk about. She may be pregnant and happy and a little wrapped up in her own life but it's no excuse not to be there to support a friend during a very sad and difficult period. She could of quite easily of picked up the phone to ring you especially after you admitted you weren't doing so well.

Maybe when you next arrange a meet up just say something like please don't cancel this time pippa because I've not seen or actually spoken to you since my mum has died and i really need your support. It might just make her realise she's been a shitty friend

I suspect she doesn't know how to handle you and what to say tbh. I probably wouldn't say a thing yet about how upset you are but maybe reach out to her and tell her you miss her and really need a catch up.

Some people can't handle death at the best of times but being pregnant can make you look at your own mortality in a different way so that won't help.

You have right to feel let down about her behaviour though.

@Tensixtysix That's an interesting insight. Thank you.

@Daisydo48 Thank you. I'm really annoyed with my brother, but not pushed the issue as I can't face a falling out. I like your text idea to Pippa.

I don't know what I expect to achieve by telling her I'm hurt, just get it off my chest I guess.

@Pinkprincess1978 I like that idea. Less accusatory.

So she has texted you often since your mum died but just not called? I think that's understandable really in that a lot of people just feel very awkward and don't know what to say face to face or on the phone. My best friends mum died this week. I'm really comfortable on phones but I was a bit apprehensive on what to say when I first spoke to her. It's such a massive thing, I didn't want to sound too flippant or conversely go so far with the sympathies that it sounded insincere. I think if she has been supporting you by text I would accept that especially as you have so much support around you. She is probably also conscious on imposing on you and your family in what is a very difficult time.

re the funeral, I wouldn't expect any of my friends to go to my mums funeral unless they had also been close to her.

Also, everyone handles death differently. I would have hated my friends to have been constantly phoning, asking for meet ups etc. I just wanted to be left alone to grieve and be with my immediate family. A text saying how sorry she was and let her know if she could do anything to help would have been more than enough for me. It's so hard to judge what people need so I wouldn't be too hard on her. You have other people around you who can give you what you need right now. In another type of life crisis this friend might be better equipped than the others to help you. We're all different.

@cccameron Thank you for reply.

Yes, she's messages, but only as part of the group chat with Lauren and me. Quite generic messages like, "Hope you're bearing up okay?" I reply that I'm struggling etc and she either doesn't respond to that, or replies with another generic reply like, "Well, take care of yourself." and, "Take each day as it comes."

She knows she's not imposing on me, or my family, also I have no family in my town now. My mum was my only relative in my town.

I had about 20 friends come to the funeral just to show solidarity for me. I also attended a friend's mum's funeral three weeks before my own mum died, seems to be a thing among my circle of friends.

If Pippa's in the early stages of pregnancy, even if it's going well, she may well be feeling tired and she is quite likely to be feeling nauseous much of the time. She may not see meeting up as being support (and therefore not realise how important it is to you), and simply not feel up to practical support at this time.

Ah ok cariad it's so much harder if you don't have family around you and I'm glad your friends were there at the funeral for you.

Well it sounds to me like she's been a bit shit and I don't think pregnancy is an excuse for that!

Not weird to expect a good friend to come to your mum's funeral for support either, I would do that and have done so before in the past. It's definitely a 'thing' in our friendship group, same as a pp.

I would just send her an honest message to say that you're having a really hard time and that you miss her and would like to meet one-on-one. Her answer to that should tell you whether she's just being thoughtless or is actually a bad friend!

@MereDintofPandiculation I get what you're saying, she is in middle of pregnancy and it's suiting her, morning sickness and tiredness have gone and she's got enough energy to do her hobby and see other friends. 😥

My thought would be that she is having her own issues and doesn’t want to impose them on you, so is avoiding you.

Are you sure the pregnancy has been plain sailing? Has she had previous pregnancies which didn’t go well? You may not know the answers to these questions as she may have chosen it to tell you.

*chosen not to tell you

Thanks @Nowisthemonthofmaying - Your text idea sounds similar to a PP. It's a much nicer way of letting her know I'm upset.

@LizzieSiddal Definitely her first pregnancy and she appears to be really taking it all in her stride and enjoying it. She's meeting up with mates, attending events, working, doing her hobby and decorating her house.

I feel she'd definitely have told me, or at least Lauren if there were issues.

Has she lost anyone close to her?

Grief is like a secret club, only people who are in it know what it’s truly like.

Sorry for your loss x

I'd bin her personally - but I can't suggest you do that. I'm just really hard lined that way, maybe life experiences up till now. I really value loyalty.

@Whoops75 That's a good point. No she hasn't. Bit surely it's a no brainer that when a best friend loses a parent and has shared that they aren't coping, that they need you.

Ugh. I feel so torn about how I feel. I need to pull on my big girl pants and somehow let it go. It's eating away at me though.

Maybe she does not consider you a best friend? Prior to kids, I met with my close friends once a week at least. After kids, its only once a month bc I am too busy. She could also be a fair-weather friend, someone who is around when things are good, but disappears when things are bad...again this type is not really a close friend, more of a person to pass time with. There are many different levels of friendships..I have some close friends, and some more like acquaintances.

@bakedbeanzontoast I think that's part of my issue. I would walk over hot coals for my friends. Due to my lack of family, I love some of my friends as much as family and I'm known for being supportive and reliable. People always come toe with their problems. Which is an honour, I love to help.

I guess I just expect everyone else to behave in the same manor as me, but that's unrealistic, I know that. We are all different after all.

I really should shift my focus over to how much support I've actually HAD from tons of other mates.

I think what@lizzieSiddal say something is going wrong in her life and she is saying cos she know you can cope with it.
Have you ask her how she is and how she is coping.

You are struggling and have had lots of surport but you are on long road if she is good freind she will be there but her life is changing too these bring thing to light for her too.

@Mamabear12 I think she does consider me a best friend. She's planned her baby shower around me and Lauren and said she wouldn't pick any date her best friends couldn't be there.

@Myyearmytime I genuinely don't feel she's any issues, when Lauren and I ask how she's feeling and if she's okay, she's been very positive, she's incredibly happy at the moment.

I'm oddly just totally focused on the fact that one of my best friends (let's call her Pippa) has not called me, or even attempted to arrange to see me

Sorry for your loss firstly

This is so normal and sad . Someone does and then something like this tips us . I think losing a parent is very destabilising and this is when we need our extra ‘table legs’

There is nothing that can be done other than to accept that someone you care about has let you down . And it hurts on top of an existing hurt .

No advice but lots and lots of empathy . I say this kindly but try and consider getting yourself back to work . There is NOTHING that helped me as much as the normality of work to help take my mind off my losses . But I know people grieve differently so that’s just an idea