To be hurt that my best friend hasn't called me or visited me since my mum died.

[CariadBach33]

Sorry, this is long. NC as last posts could out me. But to give background, I lost my mum last month and it has hit me hard.

I've done the majority of organising the funeral and wake on my own (My brother attended one meeting at undertakers, didn't help me set up the function room for the wake, or clear up afterwards), I've been clearing her flat, again my brother hasn't helped at all. Extended family lives too far away to help.

I'm signed off work with stress and anxiety at the moment, I feel sick every day and can't face food. I've lost nearly a stone in a month.

Anyway, I would not have got through the last month without my amazing DP and friends. I've had friends come to mum's flat to help me as my brother wasn't helping, then my brother's friends rocked up to wake venue the morning of funeral to help me, as they knew I was setting the room up on my own, while also vomiting all morning.

Then I've had other friends making me food to try and get me to eat, or taking me down the pub for a chat and to get out of the house, plus loads of friends calling every few days to see how I am coping. Two friends sent flowers too.

Despite all of this amazing support, I'm oddly just totally focused on the fact that one of my best friends (let's call her Pippa) has not called me, or even attempted to arrange to see me.

I hang out with Pippa and another best friend (let's call her Lauren) as a threesome, we meet about once a month for food, or drinks, we would like to meet more, but all work FT and have hobbies and lots of other friends. Plus Lauren lives nearly 20 miles away.

Since my mum died, they've both texted often and I've shared that I'm really struggling. Lauren has tried 4 times in the last month for us all to meet up, but Pippa has been non-committal, or cancels last minute and says Lauren should go ahead and see me without her. Which we have done. Lauren has kindly made the nearly 40 mile round trip just to see me for a couple of hours.

Pippa didn't attend my mum's funeral due it clashing with other plans, which I understood. I also understand that she's busy, but if she lost a parent and implied she was struggling, I would be there in a heartbeat for her.

I met Lauren again this week, Pippa had pulled out of meeting us last minute as she had a hobby that night and wouldn't have much time after work and before the hobby to meet us.

While with Lauren, I said that I feel like a bitch for saying it (as I'm not a gossip, or back stabber), but I'm incredibly hurt by Pippa's lack of support. We are all straight down the line kind of women, we are always honest with each other and we've never fallen out. I asked Lauren if I should mention how I feel to Pippa.

Lauren was like, "God mate, I'm glad you said it out loud, I've been really saddened by Pippa's behaviour too, but didn't say anything in case you were fine with it. But I agree, she's let you down."

We didn't talk about it too long, because it felt like we were betraying Pippa talking about her behind her back. But Lauren is 50/50 whether I should mention to Pippa how hurt I am. I'm the same, part of me thinks, I don't have the RIGHT to make demands of her time, but at the same time, I need my friends more than ever right now.

So there's more. Pippa is pregnant with her first child, a little boy. Lauren and I don't have kids yet. The pregnancy is going really well thankfully and we've been so happy to see Pippa so happy. Lauren thinks maybe I shouldn't broach it as she might just be wrapped up in her pregnancy and has not realised that she's not been supportive, plus me broaching it might cause her undue stress. Which I wouldn't want. Pippa is very calm person, doesn't do drama, which is part of her appeal, I hate drama too.

So, my question is AIBU to expect more? Does pregnancy make you less aware of close friends feelings? Should I broach it?

I know I sound self-pitying, I'm lucky to have such supportive mates, but for one of my best friends to not even pick up the phone? I'm so upset. Guess I'm just licking my wounds right now.

You're right about my brother. To be fair to him, he lives an hour away from my mum's, whereas I'm 5 minutes away. He's also self employed. But I'm EXTREMELY pissed off that's he's done absolutely nothing towards the funeral, wake and flat clearance.

It was the same when mum was alive. I did all the running around.

Sorry to hear that @drquin

She's been a good friend in the past, so I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. I sent her a message earlier and just said that I miss her and would love to see her. She's not read it yet, but let's see what she says.

@CariadBach33 hopefully she responds positively to your text. I think I've realised some folks in our lives just ebb & flow (as we do in theirs). Cherish those around you.

@drquin Your story reminded me of a friend who pulled out of a concert for a big band that we had tickets for that I'd been looking forward to for months. She cancelled on me last minute, her excuse was that she was pregnant. I pointed out it was a seated gig and we could give the support a miss and just go for main act. Like your friend, she wasn't ill, barely had a bump.

Had to sell the tickets as it was too short notice to find someone to go with me. I was absolutely gutted. I'd wanted to see that band since they started.

Three months later, she checked in on FB at a Boyzone concert 🤮. I commented that I thought she wasn't going to concerts when pregnant. She was 7 months pregnant at this point. Her reply, "Yeah, but it's Ronan Keating hun!" Fuck you!!!

I never did get to see the band.

😂 she'd have been dropped after the Boyzone fiasco!

Broadly speaking people tend to do what most benefits them personally, the conscious mind in its role as press secretary then looks for the narrative which puts us in the best light

Exactly @drquin I ain't got time for boy bands. Ugh! 😂

Yanbu to feel hurt. But don't tell her. When you have kids, and for women that starts 9 months earlier than for men, your entire world changes. She's only thinking of herself and her kid. Sadly you and your mum are an after thought. She'll be genuinely sad but has other priorities now. Going to hobbies and what not will be a necessary stress relief during pregnancy. She'll be aware that there will be no more hobbies after the baby is born and is prioritizing her own needs - which is natural and right.

I saw you're follow up post. You sound quote immature re the boy band. You have a lot of life to experience yet. Miscarriage is much more common in T1. My wife basically stayed home for her 2nd T1 after a miscarriage her previous pregnancy. 2nd trimester she went to Japan on holiday and 3rd trimester we went for a long weekend to Macau. It will have been the same for your friend. Her love of BZ is a front to avoid explaining the excruciating difficulty of overcoming the early stage of a first pregnancy for a first time mum.

@jameswong Calm down dear. How am I immature for not liking boy bands? I'd say grown women screaming at boy bands are probably more immature than me.

@drquin and were having a chuckle over similar experiences. Chill out.

My boy band loving friend still joke about it incidentally. I jokingly call her a bitch for me missing the first concert and she laughs her head off. We still go to gigs together. Just not boy bands.

prioritizing her own needs - which is natural and right

A friend of mine did so,thing similar after my mother died. She too was pregnant and had come to the funeral of my husband (who died just after our last IVF failure) with a noticeable bump when told by mutual friends that due to my circumstances and why my husband killed himself - it might be a tad insensitive. But no, her needs were more important and I had to get used to seeing pregnant women.

She's now dumped.

Some people are arseholes who think they are the only people on earth who ever carried a child. The only thing to do is to let them get on with it.

@jameswong PS: Are you always so patronising?

@CariadBach33 he's just mansplaining pregnancy to women 😂😂

@Leighhalfpennysthigh FFS! 😂😂😂😂

@jameswong I'll admit to not having carried my own kids, so don't know all the theory ..... but you learn something new everyday ..... never realised attending Boyzone concerts was an integral part of pregnancies. Must find out if NHS prescribe this before I'm too old. This may be life altering.

Load of rubbish.

Some people are capable of supporting others in times of need, despite their own troubles. Some folk will be nice & kind to a friend, even if not feeling 100% themselves. Life's not a game of Top Trumps.

some people just don't know how to talk to people who have lost someone. I think we see so little death nowadays compared to years ago, People used to have relatives in their front parlour before the funeral. I bet very few people would do that nowadays. Some religions have a lot of observance around a death which probably helps with the grief.

Some people, like yourself, might appreciate the contact, but others might prefer not be reminded of their loss. I doubt your friend means anything

I saw you're follow up post. You sound quote immature re the boy band. You have a lot of life to experience yet. Miscarriage is much more common in T1.

I'm sorry that your wife had a miscarriage, but going to a concert isn't linked to miscarriage as far as I am aware.....

OP she's self absorbed and selfish. The only thing that she has to defend her is that people who haven't lost their mums prematurely have no idea at all what it is like. I didn't before it happened to me and I've met lots of clueless people since who expect that all is normal post funeral . So sorry it's happened to you too

Firstly, I’m really sorry you lost your mum.

Pippa sounds somewhat self-absorbed, but, in her defence, a lot of people who haven’t been through bereavement are very clueless about what its like. Others don’t want to even think about death and run away from it.

You clearly have plenty of lovely friends, including Lauren, who are supporting you at this time, you really do find out who your friends are at times like this. As for Pippa, it’s disappointing, but, as others have said, there may be more stuff going on with her pregnancy than you know about. I think you’re doing well to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Thanks @Lizzie48. Pippa is an absolute diamond usually. Love her to bits. Hence my surprise and hurt.

I'm sure it will all come out in the wash. I'm just over-sensitive at the moment I guess.

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand first hand how being responsible for the aftermath of a family members death can compound how you feel. My best friend of over a decade shut down when my dad died. She didn't see me, attend his funeral, spoke to me like Mary Poppins when we did speak on the phone. I spoke to her eventually and told her I felt sad & let down by her behaviour. It turned out she didn't know what to say. It was as simple as that. I told her what I needed from her- not to say it gets better. To let me cry. To get drunk with me. Listen to stories about my dad. Just BE THERE! We are stronger than ever. So pleased we had that chat. Maybe give her a chance?

jameswong here, have a

Being pregnant and having kids doesn't make you special, women have been doing it since the dawn of humanity. Neither does it absolve you of being an unkind twat.

I'm so sorry about your mum. And that you've been let down.

I'm so glad you've got the support you have. It's ok to "fall apart" as much as you need to for as long as you need to.

I won't tell you it gets "easier" or that you'll "get over it" (which seem to be the refrains of people who've not lost their mum), and you already know you won't forget her, but you will gradually learn to carry both her loss and her memory with you as you continue living.

I am glad you've got people in your life to carry you in the meantime.

The only thing that she has to defend her is that people who haven't lost their mums prematurely have no idea at all what it is like.

I think this thread and the posts on it really demonstrate this.

Losing your mum is not like other bereavements. People who haven't been through loss don't understand bereavement in general, but people who've not lost their mums have no clue at all.

However, lacking the ability to understand how it feels shouldn't stop people with the ability to empathise with other humans from putting themselves in your shoes and understanding how it would affect them to lose their mum to therefore have some inkling of all the ways in which it is affecting you.

Hence the wonderful support you've had from so many.

I actually don't think there is any excuse for being this much of a narcissistic dick towards someone who's lost a parent.

Lovely post @oneforthepain, very beautifully put. Thank you for the kind and practical words.

In two of my three pregnancies I have been there as my best friend lost her very close grandparents. Pregnancy doesn't stop her showing compassion FFS.

Being pregnant, even if it’s your first and not straightforward, doesn’t give anyone a free pass from picking up the phone or sending more than generic messages. Plus I think it’s outrageous that your best friend skipped your mother’s funeral because she ‘had plans’. A friend of mine moved a session of chemo therapy to attend a close friend’s mother’s funeral.

And anyone with the slightest imagination can imagine losing a parent — I don’t think you have to be ‘in the club’.

She’s being shit, OP, and I’m not surprised you’re hurt and baffled. I think Lauren should tell her to cop herself on.

I’m very sorry your mother died. And glad you have other, better friends.