To be hurt that my best friend hasn't called me or visited me since my mum died.

[CariadBach33]

Sorry, this is long. NC as last posts could out me. But to give background, I lost my mum last month and it has hit me hard.

I've done the majority of organising the funeral and wake on my own (My brother attended one meeting at undertakers, didn't help me set up the function room for the wake, or clear up afterwards), I've been clearing her flat, again my brother hasn't helped at all. Extended family lives too far away to help.

I'm signed off work with stress and anxiety at the moment, I feel sick every day and can't face food. I've lost nearly a stone in a month.

Anyway, I would not have got through the last month without my amazing DP and friends. I've had friends come to mum's flat to help me as my brother wasn't helping, then my brother's friends rocked up to wake venue the morning of funeral to help me, as they knew I was setting the room up on my own, while also vomiting all morning.

Then I've had other friends making me food to try and get me to eat, or taking me down the pub for a chat and to get out of the house, plus loads of friends calling every few days to see how I am coping. Two friends sent flowers too.

Despite all of this amazing support, I'm oddly just totally focused on the fact that one of my best friends (let's call her Pippa) has not called me, or even attempted to arrange to see me.

I hang out with Pippa and another best friend (let's call her Lauren) as a threesome, we meet about once a month for food, or drinks, we would like to meet more, but all work FT and have hobbies and lots of other friends. Plus Lauren lives nearly 20 miles away.

Since my mum died, they've both texted often and I've shared that I'm really struggling. Lauren has tried 4 times in the last month for us all to meet up, but Pippa has been non-committal, or cancels last minute and says Lauren should go ahead and see me without her. Which we have done. Lauren has kindly made the nearly 40 mile round trip just to see me for a couple of hours.

Pippa didn't attend my mum's funeral due it clashing with other plans, which I understood. I also understand that she's busy, but if she lost a parent and implied she was struggling, I would be there in a heartbeat for her.

I met Lauren again this week, Pippa had pulled out of meeting us last minute as she had a hobby that night and wouldn't have much time after work and before the hobby to meet us.

While with Lauren, I said that I feel like a bitch for saying it (as I'm not a gossip, or back stabber), but I'm incredibly hurt by Pippa's lack of support. We are all straight down the line kind of women, we are always honest with each other and we've never fallen out. I asked Lauren if I should mention how I feel to Pippa.

Lauren was like, "God mate, I'm glad you said it out loud, I've been really saddened by Pippa's behaviour too, but didn't say anything in case you were fine with it. But I agree, she's let you down."

We didn't talk about it too long, because it felt like we were betraying Pippa talking about her behind her back. But Lauren is 50/50 whether I should mention to Pippa how hurt I am. I'm the same, part of me thinks, I don't have the RIGHT to make demands of her time, but at the same time, I need my friends more than ever right now.

So there's more. Pippa is pregnant with her first child, a little boy. Lauren and I don't have kids yet. The pregnancy is going really well thankfully and we've been so happy to see Pippa so happy. Lauren thinks maybe I shouldn't broach it as she might just be wrapped up in her pregnancy and has not realised that she's not been supportive, plus me broaching it might cause her undue stress. Which I wouldn't want. Pippa is very calm person, doesn't do drama, which is part of her appeal, I hate drama too.

So, my question is AIBU to expect more? Does pregnancy make you less aware of close friends feelings? Should I broach it?

I know I sound self-pitying, I'm lucky to have such supportive mates, but for one of my best friends to not even pick up the phone? I'm so upset. Guess I'm just licking my wounds right now.

Thanks @stopfuckingshoutingatme Nd everyone else.

I'm going to send a text saying I miss her and can we get a date in the diary. I will report back.

Much love to you all for your advice and perspective.

No she hasn't. Bit surely it's a no brainer that when a best friend loses a parent and has shared that they aren't coping, that they need you.

Yes it is a no brainier to most people but you say she’s been a great friend until now. Unless she’s had a personality change there’s a valid reason for her not seeing you.

I can understand why you feel hurt, and you’ll probably not think of her in the same way as you did before. But I would take the time to consider she may have a very valid reason (to her) for not seeing you.

she's been very positive, she's incredibly happy at the moment.

But you haven’t seen her, so what’s she’s telling you may not be her reality.

I'm astonished anyone thinks that pregnancy might be any sort of excuse for her callousness. I think it's actually quite insulting to suggest that pregnant women somehow forget how to be normal, empathetic human beings.

I'm so sorry she's been like this. As a few pp have said, unfortunately it's not that unusual for people to react really badly to someone else's grief - doesn't make it ok, though.

I wouldn't confront - she's not going to say anything that'll make you feel better, and you don't need to get sucked into any kind of conflict, you need all the emotional energy you can at the moment. I would remember how badly she let you down, though.

I also don't know why people are fixating on the idea that her pregnancy must be very difficult. It might be, it might not be. I had a very emotionally difficult pregnancy with lots of worrying issues after multiple previous losses, and I didn't lose the ability to think about others.

@LizzieSiddal I saw her just before my mum died.

@NewAccount270219 I wasn't meaning to offend pregnant women, I just meant maybe she's just distracted by the fact that she's nuturing a life and has big changes ahead. I'm almost trying to make an excuse for her.

CariadBach33 then she could be a fair-weather friend, who is only around for the good times. Some people don't want to deal with tough situations...

I tend to distance myself for someone who isn't that supportive. But I also understand that death is a tricky subject for some. Many people do not know what to do or say. I lost my father last year, and it was hard. I had a friend (not a close one, but I expected more from her...) When someone in her family died, I was there for her, sent messages, met up with her to make sure she was okay etc...but after my father died..I think she said sorry for my loss and that was it. Not one message to check up on me etc...which I would expect at least one of those to check up on how I was doing! Lets just say, after that I have not messaged her...and guess what...have not heard from her in several months. I will not be making any efforts with her in the future. I had lots of other supportive friends though, so I focus on them and nourish those friendships...

Sorry, OP, I didn't mean you were being offensive. I meant pp suggesting it was some sort of excuse were. Being pregnant really isn't an excuse for not being supportive to a close friend who has suffered such a big loss.

@Mamabear12 wow that's awful. I'm so sorry for your loss and the lack of support. Bless you.

I guess time will tell for my friendship.

When I lost a close family member I really didn't want people phoning. I found it incredibly difficult to talk, especially on the phone. I appreciated texts and emails far more, but at times I just wanted to be left alone. On that basis I wouldn't call someone unless they asked me to, because I would feel I was intruding.

When I was pregnant, I was being sick regularly throughout. I wouldn't have gone to something like a funeral, simply because the chance of me having to run out retching all the way, and possibly being sick in the middle of the chapel if I didn't move quickly enough was probably about 10 to 1 on.

I did go out and things-I couldn't stop life for 8 months each time, but only with people I knew wouldn't react badly to me suddenly running off in the middle of a sentence.

And if you are only hearing that she's incredibly happy. There may be more to it. I received bad news at the 20 week scan. I didn't tell everyone. As far as most people knew, I was "incredibly happy" (between being sick) and it was only a very few I told. I wouldn't have put it out on a group chat, and it was very difficult to tell people who assumed I was "incredibly happy". I tended to only tell people if they gave me a lead in, or the first few people who I knew would listen and not make a major fuss because I couldn't cope with that.

It’s amazing how people react when a friend loses a parent. It’s not always the ones you think that will be there, that are. And I’ve seen it from both sides when bad things (not necessarily bereavement) have happened to friends too.
The pregnancy is not an excuse. If you’ve asked her directly to meet up and she’s not stepping up to the plate there is something else going on. If you hadn’t, then it’s different and she could’ve assumed you didn’t want to see anyone.

I'm sorry, but I think she's a selfish cow and I can't believe people on here are defending her. No one knows how to handle death, and no one really knows what's right or wrong to say to someone who's lost a close loved one but sometimes all it takes is a hug, a message saying you are thinking of them, or a card or even a bit of a practical support as the OP mentions.

Sounds like she's one of these people who's completley self obsessed and wrapped up in her own life and needs.Being pregnant isn't an excuse for being an inconsiderate arse either.

Sorry for your loss OP

I’m sorry for your loss.

You say people come to you with their problems. Perhaps at least for some of the people you have attracted this is the set up they need / can deal with and have come to expect. Not the other way around. Reasons could include a mental health issue or just pure selfishness.

Have a think. Maybe Pippa is one of these people.

I think it's because she doesn't understand what it's like and perhaps it is subconsiously tapping a fear she has about losing people close to her if she hasn't experienced that already.

In the last two years I've lost a lot of people I was close to.

I asked one person who was behaving similarly to this and it turned out this was the problem - they had a massive fear of losing someone and I'd suddenly made that very real for them as her mum is struggling with cancer (she hadn't told me that as she didn't want to worry me) and treatment isn't going well. When she told me she looked terrified.

My point : you never know all of what is going on in someone else's life. I know it's hard she's being like this, but honestly, I think you need to understand that there may be more going on. You've other support, rely on that for now and maybe address it later?

Some people are shit tbh. When I miscarried my son I dropped a friend. She was always a bit wrapped up with herself anyway tbh so it wasn't that much of a shock for me. She messaged a few weeks after I told her I lost him saying "hi, how are you?" but only because she drove past me that day - it was like she suddenly remembered I existed!

I never replied to that message and she never contacted me again. She didn't care about my welfare. It hurt because I was there a lot for her when she had a scare during her pregnancy. I don't regret losing her as a friend.

However this does sound like a shock for you so I probably would mention something to your friend. It doesn't have to be confrontational so what's the harm? Just something like "as you know I've been struggling a lot since losing my mum and if I'm honest it hurt when you cancelled last time. I was so looking forward to seeing you. Hopefully we can meet soon?". It might be the wake up call she needs. Or maybe she's just shit.

And I'm sorry for your loss

I have to say only on mumsnet could anyone defend this kind of behaviour. She prioritised a hobby over meeting up with her closest friends, one of them who's going through an incrediably difficult time! I find that astonishing quite frankly, and anyone who did that to me would be cut off.

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐

I think the “secret club” post has nailed it. Until I lost my parents, I had no notion of how intense the grief is. People who haven’t been through it just don’t get it. Try to focus on the people who have supported you.

I do understand where you’re coming from, though. I divorced my oldest friend over a thoughtless Christmas card just after my mum died. I wouldn’t now but grief removes a layer of skin and makes you feel everything more than you would normally.

@ThenOutCameTheSunshine thats heartbreaking. I'm so truly sorry for your loss.

Everyone, you've all be really helpful and made me get a better perspective.

Is there something that could make "Pippa" be in a situation where she is actually taking the loss badly (eg flashbacks to a loss of hers) so she doesn't want to burden you with her grief that's resurfaced? I know I've found myself sobbing at a funeral for a near stranger (I work for a church so attend lots, occupational hazard!) because something is triggered a personal memory. I'm not excusing her but pregnancy also could make her feel awkward, perhaps even she's unwell herself and doesn't want to burden you. You say she's texting, how about calling her and trying to meet for coffee just the two of you at short notice.

I am very sorry for your loss. As regards your friend: If she just can't be bothered, I agree that's hurtful. There are a few other possibilities: she may, despite her cheerful, unemotional appearance, be depressed; or may have pregnancy problems and worries that she's not discussing. She may also not be able to handle death; or she may genuinely think that you would prefer to be left alone. Personally, if I am grieving, I do prefer to have my privacy and for people not, to use the old-fashioned term, to 'intrude on my grief', so maybe she thinks that you're the same. Maybe you should contact her and say directly that you'd really like to see her, and see how she responds.

Sadly some people just can't deal with anything hard. I have 2 children with complex needs and my neighbour who moved in 3 yrs ago has 2 kids. We have a chat over the garden fence once in a while and I always ask how her kids are , how old are they are and comment how they have grown etc etc. She has never once even acknowledged mine and doesn't even know their names. She is far from alone and sometimes I think my kids must be invisible and a figment of my imagination.
I am only telling you this because some people have been honest enough to say that they can't handle seeing my children's complex needs and medical procedures ! They prefer to ignore them completely and avoid thinking about children suffering.
It is crap frankly because there are lots of things in life that are hard to confront but they have to be approached head on imo. It is the same with bereavement in my experience and lots of people avoid at all costs rather than engage. Maybe Pippa is one of those which is no excuse by the way. Better to engage and risk getting it wrong than ignore it all together I think.
So sorry for your loss. My dad died last year and it is v hard . X

Losing your mum is just the most awful thing. I felt truly abandoned.

The same thing happened to me with a friend.

A very old friend just wasn’t there for me at all when my mum died and was actually spectacularly selfish on a couple of occasions. I put a good bit of emotional distance between us and stopped sending texts and such. She twigged something was off and after about 9m she said “sorry for being a shite friend”. We didn’t discuss it though I think I had made it clear I was prepared to let the friendship go and she didn’t want that. We have snapped back into our old friendship and it’s Been great. She’s actually softened some.

On another note- as much as I can see Pippa isn’t being a good mate- you also need to focus that negativity straight into your brother. He’s being unreasonably selfish. Talk to him.

I feel that in many waysyour brother is the 'rightful' target of your anger but because you don't feel able to cope with the consequences of a falling out you are having to redirect it, I'm not suggesting that this is a conscious or deliberate process

but still it feels like she's not properly there for you, her response to you in your time of crisis will colour the way that you respond to her if she needs you in the future, chickens tend to come home to roost etc...

Sorry for your loss.

Sadly, some people we call "best" friends just let us down when we need support most. I've had a "tough" time recently (not as bad as a bereavement) and I've been disappointed in the support offered from those I'd have expected it from, and delightfully surprised in the support offered from others.

My "best" friend is amongst those I'm disappointed in - and whilst there are times I miss the friendship - I'm concentrating on and appreciative of those who did step up.

Ironically your post brought back memories of said friend not attending a family funeral "because she was pregnant" 🙄 Not because she was unwell through any pregnancy-related illnesses, not because she was hyper emotional or not even just because she couldn't find something to fit. Just because she was pregnant. Her life was more important than mine in that moment ....

I guess, we all have our faults or failings ..... only you can decide if the rest of her positive traits make up for this failing ..... as to whether you make an effort getting in touch & letting her know. For what it's worth, I've not actively been in touch with mine .... I'm not Mn-style "no contact", just concentrating on the friends who did step up.

Best wishes whatever you decide.