Upset about DH seeing friend....

[felicityheather]

DH has just gone out to see a friend of his and I'm almost distraught. We welcomed our DS into the world this Sunday and apart from a quick pop to Tesco's this is the first time he's left us alone.

I'm not upset because he's leaving us home alone. It's one of his oldest friend's 30th birthday today and he's having a bbq. I suggested we all popped by for a short visit or DH could go alone for the afternoon to see his friends and I meant it.

However he said he'd rather stay home with us as I'm still recovering and pretty tired.

Now however he's going out to see another friend that I'm horribly jealous of. This friend I have never heard of until about four months ago and now they catch up all the time. She's been struggling with some mental health issues and my DH has been supporting her through this. My DH has also been having some mental health challenges lately and I think they help each other a lot in this way. Initially my DH told me she wasn't keen to meet me, I think due to her anxiety? Even though her fiancé was keen for the four of us to have dinner. There were a couple of incidents a while back which made me uncomfortable. She 'popped in' once to talk to my husband, obviously upset and they stayed talking downstairs for hours while I was sort of forced to stay out there way. She was there from when I got home from work until after I went to bed. DH said she needed to talk about her mental health and problems in her relationship. A couple of weeks later she rang my husband in the middle of the night, walking the streets, suicidal. He went out looking for her and brought her back to stay in our spare room for the night. I fully appreciate that she needed support and I was happy that she had it. But all I can say is it made me uncomfortable that she is this close with my DH and in my home but we've barely exchanged names and she doesn't want to get to know me. I now feel so uncomfortable that I don't want to either. I have been honest with DH throughout and explained how I felt. I have no concerns that he is up to anything malicious but I can't trust her and feel uncomfortable that she seeks this deep friendship with my husband to discuss her problems with her relationship. I'm deeply hurt that he wants to see her and I don't know why. I hate everytime I see a message from her pop up on his phone.

He's done nothing wrong and he's been nothing but honest. He knows how I feel and he could easily have said he was gong to the BBQ or whatever. But I'm so upset. He didn't want to leave us home alone to see his old friend on his 30th. But he wants to see her for a coffee.

I don't want to take away a friend from him. I don't want to take away someone who I think he chats to about his anxieties about being a new father. I don't want to mistrust her or feel this jealous or upset. I'm sure hormones are playing a part in why I feel so hurt.

Hi hunny and congratulations on the birth of your baby, you are not being unreasonable and you need to tell your husband this cannot continue and he needs to come home and not see this lady again. End of!!

Fucking hell dude YANBU.

Is your husband a “white knight”? Some guys can’t help but always have a damsel in distress to “rescue” in their lives as it gives them validation and purpose, usually at the expense of a spouse who’s left emotionally ignored in favour of “the project”.

Bad enough, but you have a five day old baby FFS.

That right there should be his only priority at this time and not anyone else, really.

I feel for you so much rn, I had my baby on Monday and I’d be beyond furious at DH if he’d opted out of his BFFs 30th and then scuttled off to mop the fevered brow of some woman.

Some things you just don’t do.

You can’t trust her? You can’t trust him either. He’s let you down seriously here and before when it comes to this ‘friend’. You should be his no. 1 priority but you’re clearly not.

This is an inappropriate relationship for a married man that has just had a baby with his wife.

He is a bit. He's always been a 'listener'. But that's not a terrible thing on its own. I'm tempted to let him read my post later when he comes home but I know he'll feel so upset by it it'll only make me feel like utter shit. We were just having such a lovely day and now i just feel like crap. Either I don't say anything and he knows I'm upset and grumpy and he'll try to make it up and I'll push him away or I do and upset him and then feel like crap for upsetting him. And he'll feel guilty and I will.

What is your husband playing at????

I know I could demand he not see her and I think he'd go along with it. But I'd never feel good about it. I just keep hoping it'll fade into a more normal boring friendship.

Inappropriate if you ask me. For the following reasons;

1- you've got a 5 DAY old baby and you are struggling

2- she refuses to meet you or even exchange small talk

3- she appears to be the most important priority to him, she's obviously above his old friend in his priorities, and also you and his newborn baby

4- he does not need to be her knight in shining armour.

What happened four months ago, how did they become friends? Work, a hobby...?

This is an inappropriate relationship for a married man that has just had a baby with his wife

Nailed it @bettyslefttentacle

Now you need to tell him that OP.

we've barely exchanged names and she doesn't want to get to know me.

THAT would make me seriously uncomfortable. It would bother me whether it was a man or a woman. At best. she's draining him emotionally. At worst...

That he's depriving you, his wife, of support at this time is just not right.

Apparently they've been friends since school. She recently got back together with her now fiancé who is also in the friendship from school group. I think they recently moved back to the area? So they have known each other a long time. Arguably as long as the friend with the birthday but DH and I have been together since 2012 and I don't ever remember hearing about her until recently.

That would annoy me too, sorry he is doing this to you so soon after birth; I remember the first few weeks and they were wonderful but also horrendous and challenging in many ways. Congratulations on your new addition to the family though.

You don’t trust her? It’s not her fault, he didn’t need to go out to see her, put the blame where it lies, with him.

Sounds to me like your DH should be spending time with his new family, not spending his time trying to 'save' this friend. I know it's difficult when a friend is going through a hard time, but honestly? If she's walking the streets suicidal, she needs help he can't provide. I don't say that to be harsh, but that she's obviously going through some really difficult stuff, and it's not your DH's job to be her support system.
I hope you can talk to him, and get back to enjoying your new baby. Congratulations
You are absolutely not being U, and no, it's nothing to do with hormones. You're upset because he's behaving inappropriately.

To be fair @ems137 and @Jaxhog we have now met. DH and I had a shared baby shower with all our friends. She and her fiancé came and we had s couple of minutes small talk.

I feel like a shithead that I just want to throw away the baby grow she bought us. It's a Star Wars one which apparently was a bit of a joke because DH refuses to watch and she thinks it's amazing. To me, it felt like another jab at how well they get on. Like some kind of inside joke.

Like I say none of it is secretive or whatever. Her other half was there and chatty and whatever.

I'd be highly concerned....her own boyfriend should be sorting her out, not yours

If it helps, frame it as her draining him emotionally, so he doesn't have the energy to deal with your new baby. She's taking him away/he's choosing to be away from his new child, not just you.

This is so inappropriate... what the hell is he thinking?!

So he's let down his oldest friend on his 30th birthday, his struggling wife and his 5 day old baby to meet for a coffee with this woman?! Fuck that OP.

I don't mind my DH having female friends and vice versa, but he's taking the piss. And she's a cheeky fucker swanning around your home and staying on your spare room while barely acknowledging you?! (Who does that?!) Wouldn't have that, no way.

From reading the title of this post I was thinking you were unreasonable but after reading the post then you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Your husband is being unreasonable. His friend may have mental health problems but you have just given birth to his child and his priority should be you.

He needs to understands that you don't feel comfortable (and rightly so) with him meeting his friend and her staying over in your house when you barely know her and she shows no inclination of wanting to get to know you.

I think you need to show him this thread and maybe he will then understand how you feel.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. An exciting, wonderful time for you.

Just wanted to say I would feel the same as you OP! Highly inappropriate and upsetting. I really hope you manage to talk to him and explain.

Using "poor" mental health to get into a man's pants is not new. I have seen this in action. If she calls up suicidal again just call an ambulance. Your DH may be enjoying the attention of helping this poor damsel. He will probably go bananas if you take action, as will she, but it may make her stop.

Your mental health is fragile since you have a newborn. Tell him that and let him stick that in his pipe and smoke it.

"It's a Star Wars one which apparently was a bit of a joke because DH refuses to watch and she thinks it's amazing"

It's all about her isn't it...

I feel like a shithead that I just want to throw away the baby grow she bought us. It's a Star Wars one which apparently was a bit of a joke because DH refuses to watch and she thinks it's amazing. To me, it felt like another jab at how well they get on. Like some kind of inside joke

Then you’re well within your rights to do so.

I feel for you so much right now. I used to be married to a White Knight and his actions hurt me in myriad ways and it was always me who was the stone cold bitch for not being full of the compassion that we was (for everyone except me).

The first few weeks with a newborn are challenging. The first few weeks with your first are amazing and brain melting too.

He’s a Class 1 shit to do this to you and shame on him for putting you in the predicament of feeling like you’re clipping his wings because of his utter inability to grasp what’s appropriate in a normal, adult relationship.

Yes to the ambulance. She's either suicidal and will receive the help she needs, or she's not.

Your husband is taking the piss.