Upset about DH seeing friend....

[felicityheather]

DH has just gone out to see a friend of his and I'm almost distraught. We welcomed our DS into the world this Sunday and apart from a quick pop to Tesco's this is the first time he's left us alone.

I'm not upset because he's leaving us home alone. It's one of his oldest friend's 30th birthday today and he's having a bbq. I suggested we all popped by for a short visit or DH could go alone for the afternoon to see his friends and I meant it.

However he said he'd rather stay home with us as I'm still recovering and pretty tired.

Now however he's going out to see another friend that I'm horribly jealous of. This friend I have never heard of until about four months ago and now they catch up all the time. She's been struggling with some mental health issues and my DH has been supporting her through this. My DH has also been having some mental health challenges lately and I think they help each other a lot in this way. Initially my DH told me she wasn't keen to meet me, I think due to her anxiety? Even though her fiancé was keen for the four of us to have dinner. There were a couple of incidents a while back which made me uncomfortable. She 'popped in' once to talk to my husband, obviously upset and they stayed talking downstairs for hours while I was sort of forced to stay out there way. She was there from when I got home from work until after I went to bed. DH said she needed to talk about her mental health and problems in her relationship. A couple of weeks later she rang my husband in the middle of the night, walking the streets, suicidal. He went out looking for her and brought her back to stay in our spare room for the night. I fully appreciate that she needed support and I was happy that she had it. But all I can say is it made me uncomfortable that she is this close with my DH and in my home but we've barely exchanged names and she doesn't want to get to know me. I now feel so uncomfortable that I don't want to either. I have been honest with DH throughout and explained how I felt. I have no concerns that he is up to anything malicious but I can't trust her and feel uncomfortable that she seeks this deep friendship with my husband to discuss her problems with her relationship. I'm deeply hurt that he wants to see her and I don't know why. I hate everytime I see a message from her pop up on his phone.

He's done nothing wrong and he's been nothing but honest. He knows how I feel and he could easily have said he was gong to the BBQ or whatever. But I'm so upset. He didn't want to leave us home alone to see his old friend on his 30th. But he wants to see her for a coffee.

I don't want to take away a friend from him. I don't want to take away someone who I think he chats to about his anxieties about being a new father. I don't want to mistrust her or feel this jealous or upset. I'm sure hormones are playing a part in why I feel so hurt.

Wasn't anxious when she was hogging ya husband AND ya living room was she. Fuck her.

YANBU - It appears they both feel they have found a kindred spirit - that space in the world where they feel their dark side is tolerated and accepted. This can be a quite powerful and seductive pull (which is why relationships in groups like AA are frowned upon). Those feelings can be misconstrued as something else. He is definitely meeting an unmet need of his by helping her. It needs to stop and is not healthy. He has you and can find appropriate and boundaried support through professionals. She has a fiance and can do the same. Draw the line.

Actions speak louder than words. He's clearly realised he's been a dick, that "I'll stop seeing her" was very telling that he knows he's crossed a line.

So, he stops seeing her. Unless he reduces or cuts out other form of contact, the possibility of him going and seeing her still remains, as any contact will keep feeding the connection between them.

If she does have MH issues, then she needs professional help, not your DH. Having left an ex who used "suicide" attempts to keep trying to drag me back, I'm as cynical as fuck these days and would question whether her suicidal feelings were genuine when all of the stuff is taken into account; it all seems very much attention seeking behaviour aimed at your DH.

@drinkygin that's what I thought too

I think she is going to have another suicidal episode to try to lure your DH back. I think you need to talk to your DH about what will happen in the future when she does this. He doesn’t go to meet her by himself. He should pick up her fiancé and both meet her, or better yet call her fiancé to deal with.
She is using her mental health to get his attention.
Sorry OP
has he had any contact from her since?

Wow... Completely inappropriate! She should be speaking to her fiance or her friends, not turning up at your house wanting private time with your husband. Something weird is going on here - not necessarily on his side but I'd say probably on hers. She sounds very vulnerable and he's playing the hero, it would be surprising if she did or will soon develop feelings for him - this sort of thing is very common. It's why so many vulnerable people fall for their therapists/counsellors. He needs to step back and if he is going to continue to 'help' then you should be involved too. Otherwise your mental health with suffer as well.

I also wouldn't consider the fact that she has a fiance to be reassuring seeing as 1) presumably she can't confide in him like she can your husband and 2) she turns to your husband, not him, in times of crisis

I think this is so inappropriate OP and for me the only acceptable outcome would be he acknowledges he's crossed a line and that both he and this 'friend' have been very disrespectful to you. And stopping seeing her has to mean cutting all contact. Is she bollocks suicidal, she's manipulating the whole situation and needs to seek help from the appropriate channels which is NOT your DH who's just become a father with you and whose job is to be a 100% committed dad and husband, supporting you when you've literally just given birth.
I would be laying down some very firm boundaries and not holding back on my feelings about this in your shoes. He's not dropping everything to be supportive to his hairy overweight mate Keith, is he? Don't let him play the innocent here.

I think it warrents sending a message to her and her fiancé too making your position clear. Don't be afraid to be the 'bad' guy, you're being lulled into accepting a very dodgy friendship here imo. Say you hope she gets the help she needs but it's no longer appropriate for her to seek this in your husband.

This is not normal and I think you know it, OP.
He is prioritising this woman over the baby, you, even his old friend’s bday party. She has a fiancé and I would hope some female friends to lean on too.
Even if there’s nothing dodgy going on, even if he were a male friend it would not be right at this stage. The fact it is a woman makes it a lot worse esp as she’s not interested in meeting you.

Surely by supporting her so intensely he isn’t helping his own mental health?
I’m glad he listened to you and came back (not that he should have put you in that position in the first place!) and I hope he continues to put his family as a priority.
Congratulations on the birth of your lovely new baby