Upset about DH seeing friend....

[felicityheather]

DH has just gone out to see a friend of his and I'm almost distraught. We welcomed our DS into the world this Sunday and apart from a quick pop to Tesco's this is the first time he's left us alone.

I'm not upset because he's leaving us home alone. It's one of his oldest friend's 30th birthday today and he's having a bbq. I suggested we all popped by for a short visit or DH could go alone for the afternoon to see his friends and I meant it.

However he said he'd rather stay home with us as I'm still recovering and pretty tired.

Now however he's going out to see another friend that I'm horribly jealous of. This friend I have never heard of until about four months ago and now they catch up all the time. She's been struggling with some mental health issues and my DH has been supporting her through this. My DH has also been having some mental health challenges lately and I think they help each other a lot in this way. Initially my DH told me she wasn't keen to meet me, I think due to her anxiety? Even though her fiancé was keen for the four of us to have dinner. There were a couple of incidents a while back which made me uncomfortable. She 'popped in' once to talk to my husband, obviously upset and they stayed talking downstairs for hours while I was sort of forced to stay out there way. She was there from when I got home from work until after I went to bed. DH said she needed to talk about her mental health and problems in her relationship. A couple of weeks later she rang my husband in the middle of the night, walking the streets, suicidal. He went out looking for her and brought her back to stay in our spare room for the night. I fully appreciate that she needed support and I was happy that she had it. But all I can say is it made me uncomfortable that she is this close with my DH and in my home but we've barely exchanged names and she doesn't want to get to know me. I now feel so uncomfortable that I don't want to either. I have been honest with DH throughout and explained how I felt. I have no concerns that he is up to anything malicious but I can't trust her and feel uncomfortable that she seeks this deep friendship with my husband to discuss her problems with her relationship. I'm deeply hurt that he wants to see her and I don't know why. I hate everytime I see a message from her pop up on his phone.

He's done nothing wrong and he's been nothing but honest. He knows how I feel and he could easily have said he was gong to the BBQ or whatever. But I'm so upset. He didn't want to leave us home alone to see his old friend on his 30th. But he wants to see her for a coffee.

I don't want to take away a friend from him. I don't want to take away someone who I think he chats to about his anxieties about being a new father. I don't want to mistrust her or feel this jealous or upset. I'm sure hormones are playing a part in why I feel so hurt.

He offered not to go?

It shouldn't have occurred to him to go!

Putting the bloody onus on you to make the decision.

Sly git!

It would be ultimatum time for me. There is no way in hell I could be cool about this!

Your H is either, as a PP said, a bit of a 'white knight' in that he likes the idea that only he can save yet another distressed damsel, or he is attracted to whiny, fucked-up, drama llama women.
Or, if he's always been a good bloke and trustworthy, could there be something else underlying it ie has he ever lost someone to suicide, or sectioning/imprisonment? Sometimes a kind person can fret for years over the fact that they 'could have done more' for someone who was seriously mentally ill, and therefore go into 'saviour' mode whenever they encounter anyone else with similar problems.

It's not on and he knows it

I agree, SGB, but it always seems to be a young attractive woman who they try to save!

I agree, SGB, but it always seems to be a young attractive woman who they try to save!

Yeah, funny that. It's never another man. And she always comes to him with relationship problems.

You didn't think you were going to get rational responses here did you OP?

Congratulations on your beautiful new baby.
Not one iota of what you have written is unreasonable.

I would be appalled at my husband behaving in that way, leaving his wife and new child when he knows I wasn't happy.

Be very careful here. By shoving down your emotions and denying how you feel, you are causing huge stress to yourself, which has the potential to spoil this incredibly special time.

The thing is, this can cause terrible long term damage and resentment within a marriage.
Women can find it very difficult (rightly so) to move on from betrayal.

Please let him know how damaging this could be for his family going forward.

You are absolutely entitled to feel very upset with him.
Please call for real life support.

Not helpful I know, but I'd be thinking he planned to see her all along. That's why he didn't want to hang out at the 30th birthday party

What are you talking about, NBP ?

YANBU at all!

Why can 't this friend rely on her fiancé for emotional support! Why doesn't he want you to get to know her as well?

You sound young. Put your foot down and see what happens. He has to change (grow some respect for you) or you will have to change (grow some confidence).

My first thought was White Knight Syndrome, too. She has a fiance, he needs to be the one she turns to about her mental health issues.

Shout at him, OP. Cry at him, even. Anything but stop pretending your are all 'cool' with it. You aren't.

He should be able to work that out for himself, but he hasn't. He seems to prefer being their 3rd wheel instead of your partner, your baby's father, and that simply is NOT acceptable. Tell him so!

Why would he need to talk to her about 'anxiety of being a father'? She's not another father!! Ridiculous!

Probably going to sound a twat here but I’m really not convinced she was ever suicidal, sounds to me like he’s a white knight and she’s lapping it up.

As other posters have said if that or similar ever happens again ambulance all the way and have them deal with her needy self.

You husband to be blunt is being a grade A twat. He appears to have forgotten he has a wife and child! Some boundaries are needed here, personally if this was me I would be insisting on group meetings with you and her OH only from now on! No more alone cozy chats and I’d be having a serious chat about who he thinks he is and why this woman is a priority but you and his baby clearly aren’t. And I wouldn’t feel a shred of guilt over it, he is your husband and your babies father before he is her bloody ego boost.

She can get to fuck over the not keen on meeting you either, fair enough your H isn’t seeing her without you anymore so she can get used to you or fuck off back to her own partner. And as for being in my home, lol no. She would be banned so fast never to set foot over the threshold again.

He’s being a cunt but I reckon she knows if and loves it the cheeky bint!

He should be able to work that out for himself, but he hasn't.

Oh come off it, of course he knows but doing the right thing wouldn’t stroke his ego to his liking.

I don't want to sound harsh but wtf are you allowing to take place under your own roof!

OP I appreciate you've just had a baby and everything that comes with it hormones, heightened worries, fears, tiredness etc but your DH attention should be with you and your baby not some other woman who has her own partner.

Put a stop to this now for your own sake.

This is not acceptable - you are tippy toeing around and this virtual stranger has this much control over your space? Your partner? Your relationship?

Dumbfounded

I really feel for you as I’ve been through something very similar with my husband. Firstly congratulations and welcome to motherhood. These first few weeks are physically draining and push you to your emotional and mental limits. It is he hardest thing you’ll ever do in my opinion. It will get easier.

You need a huge amount of support in these early days though.

You have a right to expect your husband in the first few weeks have all hands on deck.

Your husbands first priority is mother and baby. Although he might like to help this new friend, he has a beautiful new baby & wife who is vulnerable.

If his friend is suicidal then she needs professional help, medication & hospitlisation. Using your husband as an emotional crutch is a bandaid, not a solution. Her lack of boundaries and do dependence on your partner suggests ther is more to this than just anxiety.

Your husband is doing this woman no favours by encouraging her to Lean on him rather than what will really help, professional counselling & treatment. It also encourages her to not have boundaries with people or considerations for their responsibilities, ie
New baby and in the long term this doesn’t teach her how healthy friendships work.

Yes in some instances it is good to have someone to talk to but not at all hours of night, with a newborn etc. The fact she won’t meet you is unacceptable & strange. She may very well feel anxious about meeting you but what about your feelings in all of this ?

I think this level of emotional intimacy is bordering on an emotional affair. He’s not her pastor, parent or counsellor. You should be he first port of fall to offload his issues with, failing you a parent or counsellor. Another woman, especially one that lacks boundaries and stability is inappropriate. Where is her husband in her suicidal episodes ? Partners should lean on one another; that is a sign of a psychologically safe relationship. Right now you both have a new baby and that takes everything. He should have nothing else to give. That might sound cruel but there are 9 billion people in the world including mental health professionals. Why is she choosing the man with the wife and new baby ? Your husband isn’t not her panacea and not can he be.

hugs to you and your new precious baby. Mother and bubba are the most important people right now.

If they both have MH issues then they may not be the best people to help each other. Perhaps framing it like that will get through to him?

I'm not imagining huge dramas of an illicit affair but it is inappropriate if it makes you so upset and takes so much of his time and emotional energy. You need to say how you feel, if it's jealousy of their closeness then own it. There does not need to be lots of guilt from either of you but you do need boundaries in place and agreement as to what is acceptable and what is not.

Assuming your husband is a good guy, I think it could easily be the case that he honestly feels like he has an obligation to help this person, particularly in a crisis situation.

I also think though that his been set up in a really unhealthy dynamic with this women, and maybe he doesn't realise it. Either intentionally, or because she is unable to cope, she's being an emotional vampire, and your husband is being sucked into it. Maybe she has some sort of romantic designs on him, but it's pretty common to see a similar dynamic that occurs between two women, where one leans on the other and crosses boundaries until the whole thing burns out.

It doesn't usually happen with two men, and maybe that is why your husband doesn't recognise what is going on.
I'd tell him that he needs to look at the larger pattern and see that she needs more significant help and a larger support group, presumably including her fiancé. Or not, if he is part of the problem. Then he should have a talk with his friend about how she might do this and at the same time set some boundaries on his own time.

Probably true, Betty I was being 'nice', which probably won't help OP in the long run. My apologies!

I feel tense on your behalf here OP.

I know you've got a lot on your plate with your new baby, but this is not acceptable, as you know, and you have to come down on this like a ton of bricks.

You're his wife, you're the one needing his time and energy and she can fuck off. And if your DH can't see this, perhaps he needs to fuck off as well.

OP I so feel for you, I’m 8 weeks into having my first and I’d have gone postal at my DP if he’d even considered doing this 5 days after birth. Tbh, it wouldn’t be right any time, but you are so tried and vulnerable and fragile and hormonal and emotional it’s actually fucking cruel to do this to you and make it your ‘choice’. This is time for the three of you only, no one else matters and especially not inappropriately needy melodramatic and obnoxiously rude fuckers who are obsessed with Star Wars in fucking cliched bullshit ‘cool girl’ think they’re being interesting but actually pathetically obvious, utterly basic and boringly lame way. EVERYONE HAS SEEN FUCKING STAR WARS WHO CARES. I’m livid on your behalf.

Sit down with dh tonight and calmly tell him this is where this ends, he needs to get some decent boundaries in place with this woman and focus on his ACTUAL WIFE AND FIVE DAY OLD BABY. She has a fiancé, family, friends, her Star Wars box set she can lean on. Fucking hell.

for you for him

Please do stick up for yourself, it’s vital you are happy and stress free right now.

There are other ways to communicate your unhappiness than getting irate and upset with him and issuing ultimatums. I mean, that's pretty much guaranteed to put him on the defensive.

It's hardly healthy to go round lashing out and putting on displays of distress, issuing ultimatums and demands and threats.

You should be able to tell him how you feel without it turning into guilt and upset and aggro. Be calm, measured, describe the behaviour that's upset you and how it made you feel not "you made me feel xyz". The issue is his behaviour, not him. So don't make him feel personally attacked - unless you want it to end with both of you upset.

Some of the posts on here are so unhelpful.

Yanbu.
Your DH needs to explain to this friend he is that, a friend. He isn't a counsellor or mental health specialist and right now his very new family have to take priority.
And don't skulk about upstairs in future. It's your home. If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to stay.