Issues settling in at nursery

[DoLittleDoLoads]

Posting as I need some outside perspective.

I've been settling my DS (10months) into nursery, he's done 3 sessions of 1-2 hours so far. The first two, I handed him over to the nursery staff and left (they said this was the best way). The first he was fine when I left, but sobbing a lot when I picked him up. The second he cried as I was leaving and again was sobbing when picked up. The staff said he'd been crying about half the time I was gone on and off.

The third time I wanted to see for myself, so again I handed him over, he started crying. I stood outside where he couldn't see me but I could still hear. He cried constantly for half an hour. By then I was beside myself, so I went back in to see what was happening. Again I was assured he was fine, that crying like that was normal, and that I would make it worse if he saw me. So I sat in reception for another half an hour. He continued to sob the whole time. At that point I decided it was enough and said I wanted to take him home which I then did. He started smiling immediately. The staff insisted it was normal, lots of the other babies did it at first and he would be fine. Suggested to continue with the settles next week in the same manner.

I am really not happy. I suggested staying in the room with him for a bit first and then building up say leaving him for 10 mins, then 20 etc. I was told this would make it harder for him. I brought some toys from home as I thought if they can play with them with him he might recognise them and settle, they took the comforter and told me to take the rest home as they weren't needed. I asked to add another settle hour this week and for me to stay with him. This was eventually granted, but I have been made to feel a nuisance.

So...AIBU? Is this a normal way to settle a baby into nursery? I understand he needs to get used to me not being there. But I feel the nursery are using too heavy handed an approach, trying to rush it too quickly and letting him cry for too long. He is normally a very happy sociable child who has been to many baby groups etc, but the last few days he has become very clingy to me.

Absolutely normal to settle the baby in without you there, and not to allow toys except comforters from home. Nightmare for the staff to have parents hanging around during settling in.

9-12 months is a really tricky age to start childcare as it's when separation anxiety is kicking in, so yes it is normal for them to cry lots.

With my childminder we did settling in over 8 week.

I went to visit the first time, and then we both went and stayed for her lunch the week after. Next week she went for 20 mins, week after an hour, then for lunch, then for morning nap and lunch, then dinner time with the older kids and then an afternoon sleep and school run and dinner. It worked perfectly! No issues.

@AbbyHammond I can totally see it is a nightmare for them to have me hanging around. I didn't want to do that (hence me leaving the building the first two times).

But is it really normal to leave a baby crying for 2 hours during a settle without calling the parents? And I mean really sobbing, not just annoyed crying. Do you work in a nursery?

@Cuppa12345 that seems smart! Unfortunately I only have 3 weeks left before work though!

dolittle I’m a childminder now but started my career 13+ years ago in private day nurseries and yes settling in can be like this for some children.

They are all different and when you have a room of 10+ children it isn’t helpful to have a parent in the room. So I appreciate why nurseries conduct settling in the way they do.
However in my experience it can take such a long time and I don’t think it works very well.
As a childminder we take settling in much slower, start off with lunch together, then go to half an hour without parent in the room, then an hour, then 2. Sometimes we can go to a full morning without parent being around within a week, sometimes it takes 2-3weeks to get to that point. But we don’t rush. However, nurseries like to fill spaces quickly, so there is often a very hasty settling in.

Your little one will get there, but it could take weeks. Sometimes it’s like a switch, one day they are upset, next day they come in with absolutely no bother.

What I will say and this goes for any type of setting, the more anxious you are, the more your child will be. It’s not helpful if they sense your nervousness.

If you want your child to stay at this nursery I would suggest taking in a comforter in from home, this could be anything, from a teddy to one of your items of clothing that smells like you, a photo, a book, anything. I would also ask the room leader if you could hang around for 15mins inside the room before leaving. It’s of no benefit to them if he is distressed the whole time he is there.

Also, how much time would you expect the key worker to spend with your baby during settle periods? In each settle so far, the key worker has been in the room, but DS has had lots of different staff trying to comfort him, play with him, feed him etc. I had expected him to build more a relationship with his key worker specifically and hoped it might calm him once he gets to know her better.

But is that unrealistic given they obviously have two other babies to look after? Is it normal for them to be passed around all the staff from the beginning?

@NorthernRunner thanks that's helpful. Perhaps we should have looked at childminders instead! There don't seem to be many around this area, but I will do some research later and see what I can find.

The whole point of the short settling sessions is for the baby to get used to the nursery, so they wouldn't call a parent to come early in a 2 hour visit unless they really had to.
The staff will be used to babies being distressed during the transition process as it is very common.

I’d reconsider a child minder - two things - nurseries I’ve experienced usually let you stay for the first session, then some of the second and third sessions before you attempt a handover. Secondly my dd was like this and I left her etc and in fact it turns out the nursery setting was totally overwhelming for her and she’d have been better in a home style environment.

Yes there is an element of being tough but it’s easier to be tough if you trust the setting.

Thanks @AbbyHammond I do appreciate your point of view. I think I have just been unprepared for the level of upset that DS has been.

And the turnover at two of the nurseries we used (nothing fancy private nurseries) was brisk, and they swapped staff around frequently.

If your gut is not trusting the setting and it feels wrong, trust it.

@panelledreverie I think you've just hit on my issue entirely. I want to be tough and just say he needs to get used to it and we need to crack on with it. But I am not sure I trust the setting, given what I have seen so far and this is making me question everything now.

Ideally the key person should do the settling, but some nurseries take the key person role more seriously than others - with some it will effectively just be a paperwork coordination role rather than a special relationship.

I’m answer to your question re key workers, yes I would expect child to be passed around a little. You don’t want a situation where the child is only comforted by that one person alone, despite them being key worker, he needs to bond with other staff aswell.

The PP is correct, the staff will be used to this with new children, so wouldn’t call you unless it was exceptionally awful. It mustn’t have been nice for you to hear and it will take getting used to being apart from one another, so some crying is going to be apart of the course...it’s just how they manage it.

I had a bit of a problem with this when my DD started nursery. She would cry on and off all afternoon. She'd settle down then cry again when she was collected. Often she'd be covered in snot from crying so hard.

I absolutely hated it. Fully appreciated that it would make things harder if I lingered so I always said a really cheerful goodbye to make sure she knew it was ok. But the nursery she was at was similar in that all the workers dealt with all the kids and the key worker rarely engaged.

In the end, an incident occurred that made me realise it wasn't the place for her and I moved her to a different nursery. Complete difference. DD still has other people dealing with her needs but her key worker is very hands-on and DD has really bonded with her. Smaller, friendlier, just generally kinder IYSWIM?

Within a week of being there DD was walking through the door without so much as a backward glance.

Often childminders are. Good half way house as it’s not so alien to them. Nurseries can be very overwhelming

Not to sound too blunt, but what have you been doing to help prepare your child for nursery? Are they looked after by other people (friends/family) to get them.used to you not being there?

What you describe sounds normal, my dd cried at nursery drop off for the first month maybe and she had been looked after my friends and family loads during the 9 months i was off on maternity, then suddenly one day perfectly happy.

We've just changed her to a new nursery (16 months) and had a week of tears again while she settled, now all smiles

The one thing I wish I’d done better as a parent is trust my gut. It might be normal, that doesbt mean it’s right or ideal for your DS.

It’s quite hard to go from home to a noisy environment with multiple other babies all the time. My sensitive dd was slapping me at pickup by the time she was 2, finding a good CM is hard but it was a fight I should’ve fought.

@Lazypuppy I have been leaving him with family and also more recently some friends of mine that he doesn't really know to try to get him used to being away from me. He has always been fine with family. With the friends he didn't know, he cried for 5 mins here and then but stopped when they engaged or distracted him. So that's why I'm a bit surprised by the intensity of his reaction to nursery.

I do wonder about the noise levels and the other kids in your face - my dd was overwhelmed by the other babies and the noise. So hard as they can’t tell you. If you’re already being made to feel a nuisance, that’s also not a good sign for a nursery, there are some and some. The best nursery we had, my dd was always being hugged by someone if she was upset when I had to leave her.

Hello, I feel like I can help as I have just been experiencing the same with my 15 month old boy. You mention your little one has done 3 sessions of 1-2 hours- over what time is it? Every day or 1 a week? Also has your baby been assigned a keyworker who the same person taking them from you each time?

In my experience it takes some children a long time to settle. My little boy is confident and outgoing with Me and Dad around- however leaving him at nursery he was very upset.

For the first session it was 1 hr filling in forms with keyworker. Me and Dad in room, he was playing happily.

However for the second session he cried the entire time. Third session he was a bit better and running around, but was in tears at the end of the session. Fourth session he was happier for pretty much the whole session. We have been doing 1 hour on Thursdays and Fridays, and this week he has gone for Thursday half day, to leave him there longer to get used to it.

Yesterday when we collected him they said he'd been on and off crying, but was also playing too.

I love the nursery he is in, the people and we trust them to look after him. I also tell myself its not a prison and we're leaving him there to have fun!!

I would say stick it out for a few more sessions, be honest with the nursery about needing more settles/building it gradually but at the same time, listen to their opinions as it isnt the first child who will be unsettled and they wont be the last!

I forgot to mention that children can pick up your feelings/body language! So you must be happy when you take them to nursery because if you are nervous/upset that also wont help x

The other thing about nursery for under 3s is that they don’t socialise across ages, so it’s always same age kids. My dd loved watching older children which you may get at a CM and the older kids in general can be so nurturing to babies.

The first nursery my daughter went to used that approach and she never fully settled there.

The nursery she attends now, her first session I stayed the whole time. The second I stayed the majority of the time and left her for about 10 mins. We kept doing this and progressed how long I left her for. We only had tears for the first couple of times I left and they only lasted about minute. It took a couple of weeks but now she actually enjoys going. On days she's not going she will even ask if she going to see her friends today.

I also think that some kids settle in different nursery environments better than others. My daughter definitely prefers being in a smaller, quieter nursery where she gets quiet time and it's not constantly go go go all the time

Op I recognise how upsetting it is for you when you are settling your LO. I have worked in childcare settings ( nurseries, preschools and schools ) for many years. Whilst I am passionate about working with young children I am not convinced that Nurseries are the best setting for babies ( Sorry I know this will be unpopular!). Everyone is entitled to make their own choices but I always advise my family and friends to consider a childminder. Babies seem to do better in a home environment. Later of course they are much more soociable and seem then ready for preschool or Nursery. I d say 2 - 2 1/2 is perfect. Some experts do advise this for babies and I have to say I have also come to this conclusion through my own experience. Interestingly, I have worked with quite a few colleagues who also felt the same. I think it is the fact that they are not in an environment with lots of other screaming babies and a home environment mimics what they are used to a bit more. They only need to attach to one adult rather than lots of different adults who go on a break, annual leave, off sick. Agree with what other posters said 9 months is a classic age for separation anxiety they do typically get very distressed and pre empt the separation when you try to drop them off. The golden 'goodbye' that parents are waiting for doesn't happen. The longer parents hang around the more distressed the child gets as they build up the separation. They are some fantastic childminders out there -why not have a look around? If not do you have family that could help you out for the first year. Your LO may cope so much better in a years time. I always think that the maternity leave period is really bad timing as it usually is the case that mum goes back to work at the peak of the separation anxiety. Good luck!