Issues settling in at nursery

[DoLittleDoLoads]

Posting as I need some outside perspective.

I've been settling my DS (10months) into nursery, he's done 3 sessions of 1-2 hours so far. The first two, I handed him over to the nursery staff and left (they said this was the best way). The first he was fine when I left, but sobbing a lot when I picked him up. The second he cried as I was leaving and again was sobbing when picked up. The staff said he'd been crying about half the time I was gone on and off.

The third time I wanted to see for myself, so again I handed him over, he started crying. I stood outside where he couldn't see me but I could still hear. He cried constantly for half an hour. By then I was beside myself, so I went back in to see what was happening. Again I was assured he was fine, that crying like that was normal, and that I would make it worse if he saw me. So I sat in reception for another half an hour. He continued to sob the whole time. At that point I decided it was enough and said I wanted to take him home which I then did. He started smiling immediately. The staff insisted it was normal, lots of the other babies did it at first and he would be fine. Suggested to continue with the settles next week in the same manner.

I am really not happy. I suggested staying in the room with him for a bit first and then building up say leaving him for 10 mins, then 20 etc. I was told this would make it harder for him. I brought some toys from home as I thought if they can play with them with him he might recognise them and settle, they took the comforter and told me to take the rest home as they weren't needed. I asked to add another settle hour this week and for me to stay with him. This was eventually granted, but I have been made to feel a nuisance.

So...AIBU? Is this a normal way to settle a baby into nursery? I understand he needs to get used to me not being there. But I feel the nursery are using too heavy handed an approach, trying to rush it too quickly and letting him cry for too long. He is normally a very happy sociable child who has been to many baby groups etc, but the last few days he has become very clingy to me.

At our nursery the parent stays with the child for the first 2 or 3 days for a couple of hours at a time, then parent gradually leaves for longer periods over two weeks. So much less abrupt than this sounds. And if child is distressed they call you in to collect them.

@Bambini83 thanks. This is exactly my concern, that his normally sunny personality would change if we keep going. I'm really glad it worked out for you in the end. I am going to keep researching a few more childminders so we can hopefully find at least one with spaces and go and visit them.

@sar302 @Wnikat thanks, it's really great to know that nurseries like this do exist!! I so wish I had understood things like this earlier. But we are where we are and I am determined to find somewhere that works for us.

I work in a private nursery and we always have parents visit with babies for short periods, then longer visits together, the. Start with short bursts alone.

It doesn't sound like the right place for your DS but maybe I'm being too harsh and it's just the method of settling in. You know your child best but from what you're describing this is unlikely going to get better soon.

Is he at a chain nursery? I know of one in particular who use this approach and are so focused on processes and business rules and rarely deviate away from it. Some nurseries, I hate to say it, just don't have a nurturing approach.

Definitely keep looking at other options. I hope you figure it out soon.

I’ve settled both of my children in to different nurseries. At both settings for the first settling in session I stayed for the whole time.

@MaverickSnoopy yes it's a chain. I agree we need to change something, I have been surprised by how inflexible it has seemed so far, but I felt pressured into following their advice and like I was being a snowflake for questioning it.

But I'm feeling more confident now in working out what we want to do, so thank you everyone for your input.

I wouldn't be happy with what you described either. Our nursery did a minimum of 3 settling in sessions - first an hour long session where you stayed in the room with them, then 1.5 hours where you left after 10 min or so but only to go downstairs to watch them on the room CCTV, and then 2 hours to stay for lunch where again you left them once they were comfortable, and could watch on CCTV if you wanted but were encouraged to leave the building for part of it. They liked to get the sessions in close together - ideally within a week, and if needed did more settling in sessions (we did one more). They wouldn't formally allocate a key worker until they saw who they'd bonded with in the room but definitely one person would take the lead in trying to build a relationship with them.

I wouldn't expect to get the point your DC doesn't cry at drop off though - mine still did that until they were gone 2. However, it never lasted long and they were always cuddled and distracted until they stopped crying a few minutes later. I know they did actually quickly stop crying as the staff told to me as we were encouraged to watch on CCTV if concerned at drop off even after settling in sessions. I would definitely be looking at an alternative setting in your case, you want somewhere they'll cuddle your baby if needed!

This setting really doesn’t sound healthy for your son. For his, and your sake, you should look into alternatives.
I have a friend whose 10month old cried like this. He used to start crying as they drove up the road to the nursery and apparently stopped smiling for a couple of months. But his mother was prepared to persevere and now, aged 3 he is perfectly happy there. So of course kids will settle eventually, because they are adaptable. But at what cost?

Both of my DDs settled quite easily and thrived in nursery. DD1 at 14m and DD2 at 9m. They cried initially but it didn’t last for long. I felt happy that they were fine. My parenting style with DD2 in particular was quite gentle (lots of wearing in a sling, breastfeeding) and I wouldn’t have been happy if she’d have cried for long.
Go with your instinct and if this isn’t the right place your your DS then try a CM. He may settle just fine with time or it may just not be for him.

Trust your instincts, if you feel being there for him whilst he familiarises himself with his surroundings, then find somewhere that supports that view. I am absolutely in that camp and moved my son to a different nursery as he was miserable at the first place.
Have a look at the research by ferre leavers who talks about engagement and learning, essentially it's important for children to be happy and settled before they learn.