Issues settling in at nursery

[DoLittleDoLoads]

Posting as I need some outside perspective.

I've been settling my DS (10months) into nursery, he's done 3 sessions of 1-2 hours so far. The first two, I handed him over to the nursery staff and left (they said this was the best way). The first he was fine when I left, but sobbing a lot when I picked him up. The second he cried as I was leaving and again was sobbing when picked up. The staff said he'd been crying about half the time I was gone on and off.

The third time I wanted to see for myself, so again I handed him over, he started crying. I stood outside where he couldn't see me but I could still hear. He cried constantly for half an hour. By then I was beside myself, so I went back in to see what was happening. Again I was assured he was fine, that crying like that was normal, and that I would make it worse if he saw me. So I sat in reception for another half an hour. He continued to sob the whole time. At that point I decided it was enough and said I wanted to take him home which I then did. He started smiling immediately. The staff insisted it was normal, lots of the other babies did it at first and he would be fine. Suggested to continue with the settles next week in the same manner.

I am really not happy. I suggested staying in the room with him for a bit first and then building up say leaving him for 10 mins, then 20 etc. I was told this would make it harder for him. I brought some toys from home as I thought if they can play with them with him he might recognise them and settle, they took the comforter and told me to take the rest home as they weren't needed. I asked to add another settle hour this week and for me to stay with him. This was eventually granted, but I have been made to feel a nuisance.

So...AIBU? Is this a normal way to settle a baby into nursery? I understand he needs to get used to me not being there. But I feel the nursery are using too heavy handed an approach, trying to rush it too quickly and letting him cry for too long. He is normally a very happy sociable child who has been to many baby groups etc, but the last few days he has become very clingy to me.

With my DD we settled in slowly over a couple of weeks. First session I attended with her and it was 2 hours. Second session was just her for 3 hours. Then she did the full morning (8-1). For a few weeks she cried at drop off but was fine not long after I left. Now (7 months) she waves goodbye to us as soon as she's inside.
They offered more of the sessions where I stayed/shorter sessions if I felt they were needed. All the shorter settling sessions were FOC.

They should have a settling in policy with details of what they will do if a child cries and how long they will let them cry for

I would trust your instincts. I felt like this when my DD was 12 months starting at a nursery. She was there 3 times and then we pulled her out. The 3rd time was the last straw. She cried like I'd never seen her cry before or since. It took weeks for her to return to normal. I think they forced her into a travel cot and left her there to cry until she was beside herself (I heard her crying outside and then I looked through the door to see her so distressed in this cot). I saw some other stuff I didn't like.
We ended up leaving her with my SIL who she didn't know that we'll but settled absolutely fine.
The following year we left her and her 12 month old brother with a childminder. Again, no settling in problems.
Trust what your gut is telling you x

Thanks everyone, this is really helping me. Today we did another settle, but i stayed in the room with him. He was completely fine, other than at one point when I was hiding in a corner and he couldn't see me. He was happy playing by himself and with the other babies and sometimes with the staff. But he seemed shy and tearful if the staff picked him up or tried to feed him etc.

So I am sure now that the issue is separating from me, and also having adults he doesn't know try to help him. Neither of these have been an issues with friends/family, but I guess nursery is a different environment.

I think I am going to persevere with the settles next week, but keep them shorter than planned and possibly get someone else to drop him off rather than me to see if that makes any difference at all. The staff were very supportive so I do feel more reassured.

I'd say it is normal, but that doesn't make it right/desirable.

@Mollymopple thanks, it's really helpful to get the perspective of someone who has worked in a nursery. I do think the environment is different to what I expected, I probably should have done more research, but hindsight is a wonderful thing! And I guess all babies react differently.

I am going to research and contact some childminders in my area to see if they have space and also try to visit one to see how he reacts. Then, if he still hasn't settled in a few weeks, I can look at moving him.

We don't have any family nearby unfortunately. I can use grandparents to reduce the number of days he goes initially, but it's not a long term solution as they live in a different country so would be flying over to stay with us to help him settle in over a longer period.

I’m a teacher in a nursery class in a school so a little different & older children, but I’ve worked in places with babies too. Your settling in seems a little harsh! I wouldn’t expect all 3 year olds to cope with that, let alone babies. We would absolutely have parent with child to begin with, short sessions, gradually having parent close by (eg another room) then leaving for longer. Would encourage a teddy or blanket or something of their own to comfort.

Yes it’s common for them to cry to begin with and then be absolutely fine 2 minutes later, but we wouldn’t have them hysterically crying for long periods. I agree childminder or very small homely, nurturing nursery might be better.

How ate they trying to settle him?

Is he being left alone or ate they giving him comfort and trying to calm him?

I work in a nursery and most children will cry for a bit, and we've dealt with ones who's cried like your ds.but they allways come round in the end. Personally I think it is harder if you hang around, esp when they are at a age when they dont understand when you say you'll be back.

I also understand it is hard on you, iv been there to and it breaks your heart.

I would give it another week or 2 and I'm sure you will notice a big difference.

My friend had this issue at this age as well. So I put my DS in one morning a week from 6 months and didn't have an issue with separation anxiety. He then went up to 3 days a week at 10 months and we were all good.
But the nursery did tell us not to take things from home largely because they often get lost / damaged.

YANBU. I stayed with both of my DC when they first started nursery. It meant by the time I actually left them alone there they were already comfortable and knew the staff. It worked really well.

As a childminder we take settling in much slower, start off with lunch together, then go to half an hour without parent in the room, then an hour, then 2. Sometimes we can go to a full morning without parent being around within a week, sometimes it takes 2-3weeks to get to that point. But we don’t rush. However, nurseries like to fill spaces quickly, so there is often a very hasty settling in.

This is exactly the approach my kids’ nursery took with both of them - the idea being getting used to the place and people first in a safe way, then gradually shift the balance. And it takes as long as it takes, and they recognise all babies and children are different.

I’m also a little horrified by the passing around while in short settling in sessions. Ours puts a lot of emphasis on the key person role for babies and I would absolutely expect the key person to be hands on during settling in - get that bond established while introducing others in small amounts.

Reading about some of the crap nurseries people describe on here makes me increasingly grateful for ours. Costs an arm and a leg but has low staff turnover and is focused on the kids’ best interests at all times.

@wonderingsoul @Bonbonchance thanks, it's really helpful to get the perspective of people who work in nurseries and have seen it all before.

I completely expected DS to cry a bit, as all my friends babies have, but I did think he would stop once distracted etc by them.

I don't really know how they are trying to be honest. When I am there he doesn't do it and when I am not there they just tell me he has been crying but they have seen it before and will get over it. When I have come back and he is crying, he isn't being comforted. They do try to play with him etc though, but it's difficult when he is so upset. They also tried milk and his comforter which didn't really help. They don't seem to think it's a big issue, they just think he will adjust. It's this lack of transparency and lack of acknowledgment that we have a problem that concerns me most.

@kidsmakesomuchwashing I so wish this is what we had done. I was just saying to DH that if we have a second baby we must do something similar so we don't end up i the position we are now in again.

Some nurseries approach settling in by babies need lots of cuddling and carrying to build a relationship with their key person to help them over the separation, and it may be a long, gradual process.

Some nurseries take more of an attitude that babies in nursery can't be cuddled and carried all the time and need to be cared for by any or all adults rather than getting clingy with one, and just need to accept it.

It sounds to me like your nursery is the second type, and they expect lots of crying initially until your baby comes to accept their new situation. They probably feel the more time he spends without you, the quicker he will get over the crying phase.

@JassyRadlett I agree our nursery's current approach is too harsh (for me). I have just been discussing it with DH. DS has been really unsettled since his settling yesterday when he was left to scream for so long. He is hoarse today from all the crying and now starts crying when I leave the room even if DH is with him. He's had to be rocked to sleep tonight which we haven't had to do since he was about 4 months old.

Whatever the nursery says about other babies, their approach isn't working for us. So next week we'll be insisting on doing it our way - ie staying with him, leaving for short periods of say 10 minutes, returning if he is inconsolable and repeat. I can't accept that the only way to settle him is to leave him inconsolable for hours on end. If the nursery aren't willing to try our way, or to suggest an alternative based on their experience, we'll need to look at other options.

I have arranged a tour of another nursery that has spaces (i spoke to them and they are willing to try a more gradual settle period) and have also emailed a few childminders nearby.

Thanks again to everyone for their opinions. It is nice to hear from people who have been there as it has been really stressing me out. But I feel we are now working out what we want and what we are/aren't prepared to try.

@AbbyHammond yes that makes sense. I so wish I had understood this better when i first picked a nursery. The former is definitely what we need given our experiences this week.

@AbbyHammond although thinking about it DS isn't a particularly cuddly baby actually. But he is a very interactive baby - he is always 'chatting' to people and loves it when they play peekaboo etc with him, even waiters in cafes etc. I think it's the lack of this one on one interaction with someone he gels with that is a big part of our issue He needs a key worker he can bond with I think. Or a childminder perhaps as others have said.

Settling in is traumatic and should be adapted to the child's needs as far as possible. Some children need parents there for longer.

I've worked at a nursery where staff would tell parents that the child hadn't been crying the whole time when they absolutely had. I challenged it but nobody listened. It was seen as helpful for the parents.

I think a decent setting will allow for extra staff to support a child settling in. It ensures someone is available to comfort the child when they are upset and it can also make it easier for the parent to stay.

I'm not impressed that they are passing him round. Keyworker roles are set out in the EYFS for very good reasons. Babies need the opportunity to build attachments with one or two staff members who get to know them well. This is even more important when the child is settling in.

I'm also unimpressed that nobody is comforting him when he's upset. Ignoring distressed babies is not acceptable.

Babies do learn that there's no point in crying eventually but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are alright or that the methods are OK.

I put my ds in with a child minder until he was 2 and a half, he loved it as it was just like our house, and there were only 2 or 3 other children. When he was 2 and a half he seemed more able to cope with noisy group situations and became more sociable, maybe check your local area for child minders? Just as a back up incase your baby just doesn't take to nursery. Some kids do some don't guess it depends on different personalities.

I’m glad you’ve got some other options - this one sounds bizarrely inflexible and ignoring the fact that babies are all different people with very different personalities.

Hi OP we were in a very similar situation when I returned from maternity leave. My lo started at a nursery at 12 months and never really settled. I think she struggled with the chaos and lack of one to one time. We persevered for a couple of months and in that time her personality changed, it was an awful time tbh. Despite the nursery/other people trying to assure me she would get used to it and eventually ‘settle’ deep down I knew it wasn’t the right environment for her. I managed to find an amazing, lovely childminder who could take her at short notice and she settled pretty much straight away! She’s 2.5 now and still loves it. If I’m honest I regret not pulling her out of the nursery sooner and wouldn’t ever send an under 2 to nursery again but it’s all personal experience and depends on the child/which setting suits them best. Best of luck whatever you decide, I know how stressful it can be.

It really is totally dependent on the child’s personality gelling with the ethos of the setting. Naturally some children are suited to nurseries more than Childminders and visa versa.
You know your child better than anyone OP, trust your instinct

To be honest it doesn't sound like the right place for your baby. I would look for a childminder or a different nursery that is more child focused and will take an individual approach.

Our nursery took a very different approach.

He did an hour a day for a week. The first hour we stayed the whole time. The next I stayed for 45mins then left. The next 30mins then left, etc. Til the Friday when he did an hour by himself.

The next week he did 2.5hr sessions on the mornings he would usually be in.

The next week he did the full mornings.

He had one assigned key worker, and a back up key worker.

He cried as I left, and then when I picked him up, for about a month, and then he was just fine with it.

I don't agree with just handing him over on the first session. They're complete strangers. He hasn't seen you with them, or in the environment.

They also allowed us to take a book, a cuddly toy and a pair of my shorts (don't ask), and looked after them religiously for several weeks, until they felt he no longer needed them.

I wouldn't be happy with the way they've handled his settling in. And not sure as a result that I'd be happy with the nursery. Babies will cry - of course they will - but with the right settling and right support, the vast majority will be absolutely fine.