Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this childcare situation?

72 replies

getinthebinX · 24/05/2019 13:19

Apologies for the rant in advance!

Currently on maternity leave with DD1, due to go back to work in September. Reducing from full time down to 4 days/32 hours.
We have a place for DD at a nursery next to work, fees circa £50 a day. DPs parents live a few miles away from us, and MIL currently works part time in retail - she agreed to look after DD 1 day a week so we would only have to pay childcare 3 days a week (and would be lovely for DD to spend the day with her grandma!) Her rota is different every week so this would obviously be pending agreement with work.
However, FIL is now insisting that MIL looks after DD full time and quits her current job (so we would be expected to pay roughly £7000-£8000 to cover this). Or nothing, as if she wants to eventually go full time, she won't get another job if she has childcare responsibilities already on one specific day. He has also stated he would expect MIL to look after DD then find work in the evenings/work weekends too.
In his mind, we wouldn't have to pay for childcare while we are on holiday/DD isn't there so would be better off.

AIBU to want to completely keep away from all of this and think FIL is being a massive CF? Financially, it doesn't make any sense for us as with tax free childcare and petrol taken into consideration, it's about equal cost - and at least at nursery we would be guaranteed she would be getting to take part in activities etc. We would also be expected to pay for any classes/groups that MIL would take her to.

We didn't ask MIL to have her full time as we know they can't afford to not work, now we have been put in a very difficult situation and are increasingly under pressure from FIL. FWIW, we would have paid MIL some money for the 1 day she looked after DD and provided everything for her. But it doesn't sit right to me to be paying more per hour to a family member than a qualified childcare provider! It feels as though DD is being used as a money making scheme.

Please tell me I'm not losing my mind and this is odd behaviour from FIL?!?!?

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 13:20

This is between them. Stay out of it?

CuntyMcBollocks · 24/05/2019 13:22

Yanbu. I wouldn't be happy with that either. Don't let your fil bully you into it

LorelaiRoryEmily · 24/05/2019 13:22

Oh lord I’d just pay for the nursery for that extra day. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. Your FIL is a dick

Quartz2208 · 24/05/2019 13:22

Your FIL sounds like an abusive twat so I would go with full time childcare and ask your MIL is she is alright

Leeds2 · 24/05/2019 13:24

In those circumstances, my DD would be going to nursery for four days a week.

cstaff · 24/05/2019 13:25

Well if he is the one saying all or nothing your dh will just have to reply "I guess that means it's nothing so". He can't call the shots on how you decide to look after your child.

thecatsthecats · 24/05/2019 13:25

Refuse, for your MIL's sake if nothing else!

FIL seems to see this as a situation that benefits what suits him first and foremost. You are all - MIL included - just pawns to him. Oh, doubtless he's seen his wife's excitement at being granny and looking after your daughter for a day. But he is doing the sums based on hours and money, not people and their emotions.

Antigon · 24/05/2019 13:25

@herculepoirot2

This is between them. Stay out of it?

Have you actually understood OP’s post, Hercule? Of course it’s OP’s business 🙄

OP, YANBU. Just say no and put DD in nursery 4 days a week.

Is it possible MIL doesn’t want to do the 1 day per week and FIL is forcing you to say no to the whole thing? Did you ask MIL to do 2 day pw or did she offer?

firawla · 24/05/2019 13:25

No way! Put her in the nursery and tell Fil that it doesn’t seem like his ideas will work out

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 24/05/2019 13:26

I'd ask your DH to have a tactful word with her. He should include the following:

  • you asked her to look after DD one day a week in order for them to develop a bond/relationship
  • you don't expect her to give up work
  • you think it would be wonderful for DD to have time at nursery as it will be perfect opportunity for her to get involved in things that are not practical at her home (painting, mud kitchen play etc)
Antigon · 24/05/2019 13:26

*to do 1 day pw

Summerorjustmaybe · 24/05/2019 13:26

Imo helping mil ltb would be a good idea.
Financial abuse at it's best imo.
Wouldn't want my dd around him tbh.

He obviously sees ££££ when he looks at her!!
What does your dh say?
Hope he is suitably mortified!

Drogosnextwife · 24/05/2019 13:26

He expects your mil to look after her dgd full time AND find a job to work at night time? He sounds like an abusive Co trol freak. Send your dd to nursery for all the days you need childcare.

fedup21 · 24/05/2019 13:28

FIL sounds abusive. What does MIL actually want?!

I would suck up the cost and do nursery for 4 days; anything else will be a mistake.

Dollywilde · 24/05/2019 13:28

Don’t quote me but if she’s looking after her that much doesn’t she need to Ofsted register and/or register as self employed if she’s receiving that sort of money from you? Could you hide behind that as an excuse if you have to?

Sorry though, FIL sounds awful Sad

Mumofone1593 · 24/05/2019 13:29

Just say you have decided on all time in nursery, thank you for the offer but it is easier to go nursery due to childcare vouchers and proximity to work. Don't get involved in a larger debate as FIL sounds the type to cause trouble.

TixieLix · 24/05/2019 13:30

I'm not sure how the one day per week would work if your MiL does not have a regular day off per week, as the nursery probably won't be able to flex like that.

I'd be reluctant to go for the full time care option if your FiL is insisting MiL also works evenings and weekends. She'll be exhausted! Your FiL sounds like a controlling twat and I wouldn't want my child being minded in that kind of environment. If you can afford it, put your DC in nursery all four days.

CloserIAm2Fine · 24/05/2019 13:31

FIL sounds like a dick

I would just put DD in nursery for all the hours you need childcare for. But I’d try and arrange for you, DD and MIL to spend some time together on your days off, not every week and not for childcare. Just so she and DD can have a relationship and you can support MIL a bit cause it sounds like she’s married to a controlling prick

The arrangement FIL wants is ridiculous, especially if he also expects MIL to work evenings/weekends. It doesn’t benefit you or MIL, only FIL.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 13:31

Antigon

Of course. I just mean the OP should only get involved insofar as saying she is happy for her MIL to do one day a week, and if that doesn’t work for them she will find an alternative.

quizqueen · 24/05/2019 13:33

Why is your FiL trying to lay down the law, he cannot insist on anything. Is he offering to give up his job and work extra weekends or evenings to do the childcare too? As a grandmother myself, one day voluntary to look after a grandchild sounds a lovely bonding experience for both, 5 days a week sounds a chore. Your MiL would also lose out on pension/NI contributions too if not in a 'regular' job.

DizzySue · 24/05/2019 13:34

I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and pay for the extra day in nursery.

FIL is a controlling dick and this will result in
MIL not being as reliable as she would like. Just take the pressure off the poor woman and pay the extra day.

She can take DD for the day here and there when she can, but don't rely on her as a permanent option.

PollyShelby · 24/05/2019 13:35

I didn't think you could pay a family member without them being registered as a childminder?

Bluetrews25 · 24/05/2019 13:35

Poor MIL - expected to mind DD full time AND work evenings and weekends!
Go for nursery only. Far more benefits for DC (IMHO). Also less travel for you. And avoids the panic when MIL is ill or has appointment and is unable to have DD.

Drum2018 · 24/05/2019 13:37

Just put dd in nursery for the 4 days. It's really not worth the hassle to let mil have dd at all - if there is hassle before the arrangement has even started, can you imagine what it will be like when you go back to work. Dh and yourself should tell mil that you are booking dd in for 4 days and let that be the end of it. Don't engage in any more bartering ideas from them. Fil sounds like a right prick!

Bear2014 · 24/05/2019 13:45

Definitely put DD in nursery for 4 days. In theory it's lovely to have time with family but it is potentially a disaster waiting to happen mixing family with formal childcare. What if MIL is sick? How do you handle it if MIL does things with DD that you're not comfortable with? As you say, you didn't ask them to have her full time. It's not what you want. It's not their decision.

My DC have both gone to nursery from 9 and 11 months, 3 and 4 days a week, respectively. They love it, they have thrived and it has suited us perfectly. Grandparents see the DC at the weekend/holidays.