AIBU about this childcare situation?

[getinthebinX]

Apologies for the rant in advance!

Currently on maternity leave with DD1, due to go back to work in September. Reducing from full time down to 4 days/32 hours.
We have a place for DD at a nursery next to work, fees circa £50 a day. DPs parents live a few miles away from us, and MIL currently works part time in retail - she agreed to look after DD 1 day a week so we would only have to pay childcare 3 days a week (and would be lovely for DD to spend the day with her grandma!) Her rota is different every week so this would obviously be pending agreement with work.
However, FIL is now insisting that MIL looks after DD full time and quits her current job (so we would be expected to pay roughly £7000-£8000 to cover this). Or nothing, as if she wants to eventually go full time, she won't get another job if she has childcare responsibilities already on one specific day. He has also stated he would expect MIL to look after DD then find work in the evenings/work weekends too.
In his mind, we wouldn't have to pay for childcare while we are on holiday/DD isn't there so would be better off.

AIBU to want to completely keep away from all of this and think FIL is being a massive CF? Financially, it doesn't make any sense for us as with tax free childcare and petrol taken into consideration, it's about equal cost - and at least at nursery we would be guaranteed she would be getting to take part in activities etc. We would also be expected to pay for any classes/groups that MIL would take her to.

We didn't ask MIL to have her full time as we know they can't afford to not work, now we have been put in a very difficult situation and are increasingly under pressure from FIL. FWIW, we would have paid MIL some money for the 1 day she looked after DD and provided everything for her. But it doesn't sit right to me to be paying more per hour to a family member than a qualified childcare provider! It feels as though DD is being used as a money making scheme.

Please tell me I'm not losing my mind and this is odd behaviour from FIL?!?!?

I wouldn't worry about offending your MIL. Your priority is to your child, your own sanity and a well run routine for when you go back to work. You don't need any hassle just to save MILs feelings. She needs to work on dealing with her own self esteem in order to tell FIL to sod off! Don't say anything until the 4 days are booked. Then just say it's done, no compromises.

Paid full time care would mean your MIL would have to register as self employed as well (and potentially do childminder qualifications...)

Reiterating what other people have said. If you're in receipt of any financial assistance for nursery attendance, that care has to come through a registered childminder or they won't pay you the money. If that's not the case in your circumstances (i.e., you're paying it yourself without help) then could that be the excuse you give to FIL to avoid any further drama - that MIL has to be a registered childminder?

FWIW, he sounds like a prick and your DD might be best off out of their domestic set-up.

Although on the basis of it childcare with someone you know sounds great, it actually puts you in quite a vulnerable position.
What happens if MiL is too ill to look after DD? Who would look after her? What if MiL & FIL want to go on holiday? Again you’ll have to find cover.
Using a nursery doesn’t leave you open to no childcare (unless your DD is ill) so I would prefer to do regardless of money

I feel for your poor MIL, she sounds lovely, but I agree with everyone, go with the qualified childcare staff, DD will be socialised and meet little friends and love her daily routine.

I think FIL has heard about the tax break for grandparents caring and is trying to pull a fast one perhaps.

I’d pay for nursery for the four days and tell Mil that you are happy for her to have DD once a fortnight or so. This way, she still gets lovely grandparent time with DD. The day can be completely flexible as you have nursery already booked, so MIL can choose to have DD if her roster allows it, rather than having to do it for childcare.

it's already causing grief and it hasn't even started! Yes, just put her in nursery for the 4 days and find other ways DD can be with her grandma. Maybe you can get some babysitting for evening/weekend days out.

Definitely pay for the 4 days at nursery. Your fil sounds awful. I am wondering though does he work? How is it he's been asking mil to work full time for years and she never has? I get that she has adult children and home responsibilities but it does sound like a recipe for resentment that he is a penny pincher and she won't work full time. Has she ever worked full time?

Does our MIL need help to get away from this arsehole?

Definitely use nursery 4 days a week. Any other option is going to be very stressful.

If you turn down FIL's idea and stick at one day each week you can guarantee you will be let down at the last minute over and over.

Another one here saying, put her into to nursery for that extra day. Otherwise its a shit storm waiting to happen.

@Rachelle11

I'm not too sure to be honest! I think she worked FT a few years ago. In honesty, she doesn't have many qualifications and i think she is struggling to find much other work. it's all been 16/20 hours with false promises of more.

Another one saying nursery all the way and your FIL is a twat.

Would MIL be ok with being first choice babysitter? Or could you find some reason that she'd be helping you for an hour or so in the weekend? Not enough that FIL thinks he can charge you but so MIL gets time with her.

I am a cm. Quite regularly grandparents have grandchildren 1 day a week. Sometimes it is simply lovely others it falls apart. I have took on familes where they have done more and it has all fell apart.

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen .

Your MIL can cover the occasional date night. All the baby cuddles and bonding without the weekly commitment.

Go for nursery. No doubt FIL will then try to go back to one day a week to get some money out of you. Feel so sorry for your MIL.

Oh dear. How awkward. Definitely turn that down. Just tell her the nursery needs a firm commitment to days.

Your DH needs to tell his DP's the truth, that you were both very happy with what you'd previously agreed (MIL doing one day a week) but since FIL has now changed the plan and is insisting it's full time or nothing it will have to be nothing. I feel sorry for your MIL, you had an arrangement you were all happy with and her awful husband has basically spoilt everything.

Got it. Thanks. And I'm in no way excusing your fil. He sounds like a giant ass. I was just wondering if there's a huge backstory. Not that is makes this ok.

also, if you wanted to get help with childcare element via the tax credit/UC, your provider must be Ofsted registered. otherwise you will not get help. If you are expected to pay MIL for looking after your DC and MIL does not have an Ofsted registration, you may end up a lot worse financially.

Nursery all the way here. You need reliable childcare. I wouldn't give in to blackmail. Just facilitate a relationship between us and MIL on days off. FIL is t**t