Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this childcare situation?

72 replies

getinthebinX · 24/05/2019 13:19

Apologies for the rant in advance!

Currently on maternity leave with DD1, due to go back to work in September. Reducing from full time down to 4 days/32 hours.
We have a place for DD at a nursery next to work, fees circa £50 a day. DPs parents live a few miles away from us, and MIL currently works part time in retail - she agreed to look after DD 1 day a week so we would only have to pay childcare 3 days a week (and would be lovely for DD to spend the day with her grandma!) Her rota is different every week so this would obviously be pending agreement with work.
However, FIL is now insisting that MIL looks after DD full time and quits her current job (so we would be expected to pay roughly £7000-£8000 to cover this). Or nothing, as if she wants to eventually go full time, she won't get another job if she has childcare responsibilities already on one specific day. He has also stated he would expect MIL to look after DD then find work in the evenings/work weekends too.
In his mind, we wouldn't have to pay for childcare while we are on holiday/DD isn't there so would be better off.

AIBU to want to completely keep away from all of this and think FIL is being a massive CF? Financially, it doesn't make any sense for us as with tax free childcare and petrol taken into consideration, it's about equal cost - and at least at nursery we would be guaranteed she would be getting to take part in activities etc. We would also be expected to pay for any classes/groups that MIL would take her to.

We didn't ask MIL to have her full time as we know they can't afford to not work, now we have been put in a very difficult situation and are increasingly under pressure from FIL. FWIW, we would have paid MIL some money for the 1 day she looked after DD and provided everything for her. But it doesn't sit right to me to be paying more per hour to a family member than a qualified childcare provider! It feels as though DD is being used as a money making scheme.

Please tell me I'm not losing my mind and this is odd behaviour from FIL?!?!?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 24/05/2019 13:46

Poor MIL and you are caught in the middle of this plan of FIL`s. I would stick to nursery to be honest if your DC is ill and nursery refuse to take them your MIL may be a good back up. If your MIL got flu what the heck would you do in that event.

Loopytiles · 24/05/2019 13:47

Your main concern is his cheeky fuckery?

He sounds abusive.

In the circumstances it doesn’t seem sensible for MiL to provide any regular childcare.

rookiemere · 24/05/2019 13:48

Book the extra day in nursery and refuse to have anything to do with FILs schemes. He sounds like a horrible bully, but your first priority must be to ensure you have reliable and affordable childcare for when you go back to work.

Original poster
getinthebinX · 24/05/2019 13:48

Thanks for all your replies! We can afford to put DD in nursery 4 days a week (just about) - more than happy to do this, we just didn't envision it causing all this drama.

The 1 day a week was subject to her work agreeing that she wouldn't be able to be rota'd in on a Tuesday for example as she currently only works 3/4 days. I'd also be able to swap my non working day now and again if need be. Nursery definitely won't let us flex a day (understandably).

DP is mortified too - but he said FIL has always been like this about money so we should have expected it really. He has put pressure on MIL to go full time for years. but that's another thread!

We will definitely just be going for the 4 days of childcare - but don't want to offend MIL or make it seem like we don't want her looking after DD!

OP posts:
Megan2018 · 24/05/2019 13:48

Absolutely no way on this earth would I want unregistered childcare through a relative for 100% of childcare. The 1-2 days a week perfectly ok, but you will lose all of the benefits of a nursery or registered childminder and what about when she is ill/holiday? Or changes her mind?

Very odd idea for FIL to even suggest it - it sounds beyond weird to me. Definitely book in for 4 days a week with nursery and then stay out of it.

NewAccount270219 · 24/05/2019 13:49

This is really grim. He seems to be trying to work out how to make money off both his wife and his son.

Agree with others that you're best off out of it. You could always agree that she could sometimes pick DD up early from nursery on her day off if you want them to have extra time for each other; it won't save money but it could be nice for both of them without anyone having to commit to anything.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/05/2019 13:49

Unless you're absolutely confident your MIL can commit to almost every week of the year, then you're best off using nursery or other professional childcare. There is nothing worse than being back at work and having a stress around unreliable childcare.

While your DD is a baby, then playing and cuddles are great, but as your DD gets older then you also need to consider if your MIL can provide full-time engagement with DD into the Early Years Curriculum. If my MIL was only having DD once a week, then I wouldn't be bothered (cuddles and fun are fine), but full-time, I would be looking for my 2+yo to be gently starting with EYFS so they start where they should be in Reception.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/05/2019 13:53

Wow. Is he always this shit?

Do you get on well with your mil generally? Perhaps you could consider booking the 4 days and letting her know that she can pick your dd up a few hours early from nursery on her day off once on s a week. Obviously this day will change but will still need to be agreed in advance so you know where your dd is. You could also give her a key to your house if she lives too far.

That way it would be a bonding / grandma experience for the two of them with no financial strings or expectations attached. And it would give both your mil and your dd the added bonus of not being around the grumpy, possibly abusive, arse fil.

NewAccount270219 · 24/05/2019 13:55

Also, is this their first grandchild? I think my parents had forgotten how full-on childcare is - they were talking about having DS loads, then they started having his cousin once a week (a bit unexpectedly, as SIL had originally said she'd be a SAHM) and they suddenly realised that it's v hard work when you're in your 60s! They now have DS every other week (PIL have him the other week) and it's lovely, but I wouldn't want them doing more than that for their sakes. It's quite hard for someone to say they want that kind of scenario to stop if it becomes too much.

MatildaTheCat · 24/05/2019 13:55

God, you’ve dodged a bullet there, OP. I dread to thInk what else FIL could have come up with if MIL was providing childcare.

What a shame for you all but he’s a twat and it’s easier to walk away now than to change the arrangements after the childcare has started.

I feel very sorry for MIL.

CruellaFeinberg · 24/05/2019 14:00

FIL is a grade one nasty fucker, but why doesn't MIL work fulltime?

He has put pressure on MIL to go full time for years. but that's another thread!

BumbleBeee69 · 24/05/2019 14:02

all FIL is thinking about is the MONEY.. not your MIL.. not your DD.. it's all about the money Flowers

SunniDay · 24/05/2019 14:04

Hi,
I agree with PP you should use paid childcare every day. Looking on the bright side for you and MIL you won't have used up all your babysitting good will if you and your partner would like to go out together or get some housework or DIY done so you can make babysitting for these reasons a regular thing. If this was on top of regular all day childcare then this might appear to take the P.

The time until your child turns three and gets 30 hours of free childcare will fly by and then FIL would probably say as MIL gave up her job for you then you need to keep paying her.

Most MILs are a bit older in years and I'm sure if she wanted to work full time she would be - rather than going full time later - so I do think father in law is being unreasonable - but best not to get into it. I'm sure he's a stubborn old goat if he's sticking his nose in like this!

Nanny0gg · 24/05/2019 14:05

I hope that he realises that paying your MiL for full time childcare is illegal as I assume she's not a qualified CM.

Just talk to her without FiL around and say that you'll put DC into nursery full time but you'll still make sure she sees you all. FiL on the other hand...

Nanny0gg · 24/05/2019 14:08

FIL is a grade one nasty fucker, but why doesn't MIL work fulltime?

  1. Not every job gives you that option
  2. Maybe everything domestic falls to her, so why not?
YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 24/05/2019 14:08

Absolutely no way. What a mess that would be. Stay way out of that dysfunctional situation.

Book childcare for every working day. Tell PIL it's a shame it didn't work out.

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 24/05/2019 14:09

This is going to go wrong big time! Just pay the extra day for nursery. I say this from experience - they are open every day, don't ever cancel on you or let you down, don't go on holiday leaving you in the lurch etc. There's a lot to be said for knowing where you stand with childcare.

PenguinWings · 24/05/2019 14:10

Definitely not paying MIL. It would make her your actual employee- you'd need to be paying tax and NI, thinking about a workplace pension, business insurance for her house and car.

Fundays12 · 24/05/2019 14:11

Honestly having used family to care for ds1 it can cause more difficulties than it’s worth (this was also combined with nursery). My FIL is about as charming as yours is and your child is best kept away from that type of nonsense. I feel it had a very negative impact on ds1 long term being around this type of person as the early years are the most crucial.

I paid a childminder for ds2 with no family at all caring for him and have never regretted it. He is much more sociable, outgoing and relaxed than ds1 is. The extra money was hard to find but it was money well spent.

Tell him no you are the parent and put her in nursery the whole time. If he is already trying to control things now imagine what he will be like when she is actually there? Honestly grandparents in my experience are best just asked occasionally for babysitting etc with no ongoing childcare expectations.

MuddlingMackem · 24/05/2019 14:12

I agree with the PP who said put her in nursery for all 4 days, but arrange with MIL and the nursery that MIL can pick up up early on her day off if it suits her, as long as she arranges it at least a couple of days in advance.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 24/05/2019 14:13

Say you want dd to spend as much time as possible with other children as shes an only at the moment so thanks but no thanks.

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 24/05/2019 14:13

Just book 4 days at the nursery

Being 100% reliant on MIL for childcare is likely to cause you problems down the line

Original poster
getinthebinX · 24/05/2019 14:13

FIL is a grade one nasty fucker, but why doesn't MIL work fulltime?

  1. Not every job gives you that option
  2. Maybe everything domestic falls to her, so why not?

Everything domestic definitely falls to her! I fear that FIL would be expecting her work FT and still do everything domestic for him and 2 adult DCs as she does now.

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 24/05/2019 14:13

Your FIL sounds like an abusive twat so I would go with full time childcare and ask your MIL is she is alright
^this

Original poster
getinthebinX · 24/05/2019 14:16

Sorry, can't figure out how to respond to specific people Blush

The idea about MIL picking her up from nursery sounds lovely and I would definitely do this. However nursery is about 12 miles away from MIL and she doesn't drive! So I think it would be too much for her.

And thank you everyone, I genuinely hadn't even thought about the legal aspects!! Sounds way too messy.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread