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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Exes new girlfriend stalking me

91 replies

Wotsitsareorange · 23/05/2019 10:56

I'm not really sure if this is an aibu, but I just don't know what else to do.
I spilt from my ex, dcs dad 5 years ago and we've had a pretty amicable relationship with only the odd blow up of small things.

Last year he moved in with a woman 14 years younger than him and 12 years younger than me, since then there has been nothing but trouble. My DC have been to their house once although he has seen them at mine and taken them out, but no overnights, which was one of our main arguments.
Two months ago his girlfriend hacked into his phone and got personal information about one of our DC from a group chat created by the club that he goes to, which she denies doing. I let that slide as I didn't want to get into a fight with either of them over it.

Then last week I had someone request me on Facebook and Instagram, it turns out it was her and her friends trying to look at profile, its since transpired that she is extremely jealous of me and thinks that I'm sleeping with my ex, which I'm not.
I told him what had happened and again shes denying it, but dropping herself in it as she told him about old pictures that I have up of him and the dcs.

So shes kicked off again and locked him out of the house they live in, also not for the first time and he ended up sleeping on my sofa. Now I'm trying my best not to get involved but I really don't know what to do, as this woman also wants to spend time with my dcs and I'm struggling to trust her as she seems totally unhinged.

OP posts:

Beaubird83 · 23/05/2019 13:04

Personally I’d be telling my ex that he isn’t going to sleep on my sofa, he needs to go home and sort this crap out and stop getting me further involved in stuff that isn’t my problem.
You are his child’s mother after all, he needs to have some respect for that and tell this new woman to calm her tits. I imagine the fact that he’s running to you when they fall out is causing her a lot of anger, and probably doesn’t trust him. If my fella was to run to his ex every time we had a fight I probably wouldn’t have him back.

Re the social media, take a minute and have a look over who you have on there. Accept only people you know for a while, change your settings so only friends can message you, and lay low. This girl sounds overly jealous to be needing to go through his phone to find your number.

Eliza9919 · 23/05/2019 13:05

Don't accept friend requests from people you don't know, then iffy people won't get your info/photos/whatever.

Tavannach · 23/05/2019 13:09

I let him sleep on my sofa because he is my children's dad

In your position I'd do exactly the same.

She's batshit and I wouldn't want my children anywhere near her so I totally get why your ex sees his kids at your house. It's something he might like to think more deeply about. Honestly I'd phone 101 with a bullet pointed list of the incidents and ask their advice. Failing any positive suggestions from them maybe send a solicitor's letter. Start keeping a diary. I think her behaviour could escalate. She sounds unstable.

MzHz · 23/05/2019 13:15

He’s in an abusive relationship

The only way he’s going to get out of it is to be away from her and see what his life has been reduced to

If this guy isn’t a monster then tbh, he needs help to get out.

starfishmummy · 23/05/2019 13:15

Talk about drip feeding.

Original poster

Wotsitsareorange · 23/05/2019 13:19

Sorry I haven't come on here to get grief over letting my ex sleep on my sofa ONCE, once in 5 years he has stayed over at my house. Our DC aren't confused, they are aware we are no longer together and are happy. As stated even though he never had overnights he still had contact with the DC, he is always at any event and takes one of them to his club twice a week.

He isn't running to me or telling me all the gory details of his relationship, some people are capable of keeping a platonic relationship, which is what we have.
From the outside and obviously his girlfriends point of view there is more to it.
He isn't using me, nor am I bickering or fighting over him.

OP posts:

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 13:22

He isn't running to me or telling me all the gory details of his relationship

that is exactly what he's doing! you have said he has told you all this!

Original poster

Wotsitsareorange · 23/05/2019 13:23

@starfish how exactly am I drip feeding?
I outlined the basics of the situation that I needed advice on in my OP, other things have been said and I've had to defend myself and my actions regarding my children's father.

If I was on here slagging the woman off and saying nasty things about her I could understand, but I'm not.

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/05/2019 13:28

Tell your ex that this woman is not a safe person for him to have in his life and that he has kids he needs to be responsible for.

This ^^. Her behaviour is bizarre and I wouldn't want someone like that around my DC. I hope your ex sees sense and ends it.

You haven't done anything "wrong" OP, I'd also let an ex sleep on the sofa in that situation and it's great that you have an amicable relationship.

Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 13:33

wotsit I’ve let my ex sleep on the couch before now (pre Dh) it’s no biggy. Although if she finds out it’s going to cause a fresh new hell for you 🙈

This is really on his toes and I’d channel my frustration on to him. I also wouldn’t let my kids go there and I’d tell him the reason. If you bite back with her she will love it.

Hopefully she will fuck off soon ....

purplegirdles · 23/05/2019 13:34

I don't understand how you're supposed to be drip feeding here? There's nothing new and significant been added.

It sounds like you're just trying to be supportive OP, but this is unfortunately giving ammunition to her crazy at the moment. It's not your fault in any way. Has he said anything to suggest that he might be thinking about ending their relationship? Do you think he is actually scared of her?

If he won't end it (which he screamingly obviously needs to do) I think you need clear boundaries in place, which will include him not being able to see the children with her there. You could say that you might reconsider this after say 6 months to a year if there have been no further incidents whatsoever from the new GF towards you during that period. But stress that at the moment your children cannot be around her when she's so clearly demonstrating signs of being mentally unwell.

Brakebackcyclebot · 23/05/2019 13:36

I'm quite shocked by some of these posts.

OP, I too would let my ex sleep on my sofa in the circumstances you describe, and for the same reasons.

I would phone the police for advice about the messages etc from his gf. It could be harassment.

It is the gf who has the problem here. Your ex is in a very unhealthy relationship.

I can't believe some PPs are advising you change your behaviour to try to reassure her. Why should you have to change your behaviour and amicable relationship to keep his gf happy? Your set up sounds very healthy for your children. Children don't get confused when their parents are separated but get on as friends. I would argue exactly the opposite in fact.

His set up however sounds quite concerning.

Littlechocola · 23/05/2019 13:39

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong (apart from accepting randoms on Facebook).
I would tell her (not him) that you will be reporting to the police. Keep a diary and any proof that you have.

Original poster

Wotsitsareorange · 23/05/2019 13:46

I am trying to help, but also keep my distance. I don't want to invade, because as pp have said I don't know the full story, he could be spinning me a line. However I don't think he is, so I'll just leave him to it and speak to him about our dcs and them not being involved with her just yet.

OP posts:

Parvuli · 23/05/2019 13:46

Of course it’s OPs problem too! This crazy bitch has contact with her children!

And why shouldn’t OP maintain the friendly relationship with her ex that she’s managed to forge? It’s far better for the children.

As far as I can see OP has done nothing wrong. Her ex sounds like a drip though. He needs to man up and dump the lunatic.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/05/2019 13:47

Tell him to sort it out or end it and send him home OP. Then you do whatever you think is best for your DC in terms of access.

somecakefather · 23/05/2019 13:48

I'm quite shocked by some of these posts

Batshit isn't it? If OP came on to say she was doing what her ex's new g/f was doing, she'd be torn apart. I don't get Mumsnet.

Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 13:49

If he starts telling you stuff about her just say -

‘I don’t care just sort your shit out’

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 13:57

I don't think anyone has said what the GF is doing is okay, its far from it. I think we're just saying its easier and better for OP and her kids to stay well out of it. Why involve yourself with someone like that if you don't have to?

Lizzie48 · 23/05/2019 14:14

The new gf does sound like a lunatic, her behaviour is nothing short of bizarre. But your ex needs to man up and dump her.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/05/2019 15:03

He is the father of your children, trust ypur instint.
I think he is in an abusive relationship, most men would insist they could have their DC in their home, is it her home and he lives like a lodger.

Original poster

Wotsitsareorange · 23/05/2019 16:01

@Emeraldshamrock both of them are equal tenants.

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 23/05/2019 16:06

The GF is definitely abusive, but it's ultimately the OP's ex who needs to dump her and to stop prioritising a relationship with her before his children. Is he scared of her reaction if he leaves?

I wouldn't let my kid go anywhere near her if I any sort of option though

Hithere12 · 23/05/2019 16:11

OP I feel so sorry for you. This woman sounds unhinged.

But I wouldn’t be letting your ex sleep on your sofa though!! He can get a hotel if he’s locked out.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/05/2019 16:28

Wotsitsareorange If they are equal tenants, why can't have his DC overnight, is he not allowed or is it an agreement between you and ex DP.
I find to hard to understand how he can be in relationship with someone, who is either to scary or stopping his DC from visiting, how could he put anyone before your children, in such a short relationship.
It is strange, it sounds like he stands up to her.

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