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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exes new girlfriend stalking me

91 replies

Wotsitsareorange · 23/05/2019 10:56

I'm not really sure if this is an aibu, but I just don't know what else to do.
I spilt from my ex, dcs dad 5 years ago and we've had a pretty amicable relationship with only the odd blow up of small things.

Last year he moved in with a woman 14 years younger than him and 12 years younger than me, since then there has been nothing but trouble. My DC have been to their house once although he has seen them at mine and taken them out, but no overnights, which was one of our main arguments.
Two months ago his girlfriend hacked into his phone and got personal information about one of our DC from a group chat created by the club that he goes to, which she denies doing. I let that slide as I didn't want to get into a fight with either of them over it.

Then last week I had someone request me on Facebook and Instagram, it turns out it was her and her friends trying to look at profile, its since transpired that she is extremely jealous of me and thinks that I'm sleeping with my ex, which I'm not.
I told him what had happened and again shes denying it, but dropping herself in it as she told him about old pictures that I have up of him and the dcs.

So shes kicked off again and locked him out of the house they live in, also not for the first time and he ended up sleeping on my sofa. Now I'm trying my best not to get involved but I really don't know what to do, as this woman also wants to spend time with my dcs and I'm struggling to trust her as she seems totally unhinged.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wotsitsareorange · 23/05/2019 11:49

@HollowTalk Grin I couldn't he gives me the ick Grin we are just friends now, I know it doesn't happen often with exes but we've tried hard to get to where we are.
There was no animosity when we split we had just grown up and grown apart.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 11:50

you might know theres nothing in it, but she doesn't know that and ill bet your ex husband isn't being completely honest with either of you.

its fine to not trust her, its fine to not want her around your children, and hopefully your ex will realise himself that she's not GF material, but until then just stay out of it, properly stay out of it.

Sarahjconnor · 23/05/2019 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RantyAnty · 23/05/2019 12:00

Your ex doesn't seem to be doing much to reassure her is he?

Him wanting to sleep at yours just added fuel to the fire. How do you know he isn't trying to stir shit up?

Tell him to stay at his mums, a mate, or a hotel next time.

Tell him he needs to take his children when he has visitation to his house and he actually takes care of them; like a grown up.

SupaNintendoChalmers · 23/05/2019 12:02

I'd just be so curious to know what he says and does to her! There just simply must be more in it. Why on earth wouldn't he have ended things with her when he stole his WhatsApp user and messaged all his female contacts sexual things, that would be so humiliating for him! He's either loving the crazy drama of it or is doing equally crazy things to her.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 23/05/2019 12:04

I mean she took his phone changed all the passwords to all his accounts, changed his number to hers on WhatsApp then messaged every female contact in his phone including me, sexual messages waiting for a response from someone

This is insane. Why does she feel so insecure she has to do that? Why is he still with her? Is he insane too? I think you actually have an ex-h problem rather than a crazy stalker problem. I'd be absolutely telling him this behaviour is out of control and you want no part of it and not let your kids have anything to do with her. I'd also not be letting him stay at the house.

Original poster
Wotsitsareorange · 23/05/2019 12:07

I'm not trying to defend him, as I'm obviously only getting one side of the story.
He does defend me and has gone absolutely batshit at her for taking pictures of my profile and sending it to him.

She doesn't know that he slept at mine, unless he's told her!

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 23/05/2019 12:11

I wouldn't care how bad her insecurity is she is behaving completely batshit. I'd be having strong words with your ex for making such idiotic decision to stay with her. He needs to get rid of miss batshit and protect his kids and you from her craziness.

RomanyQueen1 · 23/05/2019 12:19

You sound very involved tbh.
you only need to contact him about picking kids up, surely.
Tell him to stop involving you and move on, he's supposed to be an ex Confused

somecakefather · 23/05/2019 12:25

She sounds very insecure, but this is his problem not yours

This woman may have access to OPs children so therefore it is her problem too. Also, the new g/f is coming between the DC and their father, that would also concern OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/05/2019 12:26

As others have said, you need to stop offering him your sofa.

But you do need to have a serious (calm) chat with him about the priority of his children over his new girlfriend, whether she is batshit or not.

Tell him there will be no visits to their house and definitely no overnights while she is still living there.

Then all further communication with him is just about the DC.

Start making a note/screenshot of every single message she sends you and keep blocking her on everything. And report to the police if she doesn't stop.

PeoniesarePink · 23/05/2019 12:26

I'd have a quiet chat to him to say that you are concerned about this woman being around your DC, and that you need to put some distance between yourself and him over it.

It's his choice who he's in a relationship with, just as it's your choice not to get involved with it all. I'd temporarily deactivate your social media too, until it all blows over. That way she's got no cannon fodder.

Not your circus, not your monkeys and all that.

Fiveredbricks · 23/05/2019 12:32

I think your Ex needs to see she is not good to have around your children, at all. And would be no good in his life or their lives and he cannot compartmentalise the two.

Hopeygoflightly · 23/05/2019 12:33

He needs to find another sofa to sleep on and sort himself out. Make sure your social media accts are marked to friends/private only and block him for the time being on social media so that she's not using his acct to look at your stuff.
This is his drama so leave him to it - if the kids aren't at his much that probably a good thing for the moment

LemonTT · 23/05/2019 12:36

Her behaviour is pretty awful but I don’t think you and your ex are helping things. Boundaries are all over the place.

Why does he see the children in your home? This should not be happening. He should see them in his own home where ever that is.

Why are you letting him into your home, letting him live with you and listening to his tales about this women.

If you and your ex keep this up, he will find that sane women don’t want to know. So you end up with batshit ones.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 23/05/2019 12:36

You know there's nothing in it, but given her apparent issues it's simply fanning the flames if the first place he goes when they have a row is to the house of the woman she thinks he's sleeping with.

If you want to stay out of it, you need firmer boundaries - on social media and around your sofa.

NoBaggyPants · 23/05/2019 12:41

Strikes me that your ex enjoys the drama and you enjoy feeding it.

You both need to grow up.

tenredthings · 23/05/2019 12:42

Why not be her friend on FB ? She can see there's nothing going on and you can see from her posts if you want your DC's to be in her life. She sounds a bit paranoid and jealous but as she's your Dc's dad's girlfriend you may as well try to get on for Everyone's sakes.

Branleuse · 23/05/2019 12:46

I think if you suspect that its her sending the message, I would reply saying that you know its her, and she needs to back off because you have zero interest in getting back with your ex, have nothing to hide, wish them both well in their new relationship, and dont want any drama and to please leave you alone because all this catfishing is not subtle, and you are asking her kindly, woman to woman, to stop.

SavingSpaces2019 · 23/05/2019 12:51

I let him sleep on my sofa because he is my children's dad
I bet he's loving having two women he can mess around.
HE needs to get rid of her - why hasn't he?
He's making this your problem and involving you - how is sleeping in your house going to do down with the gf who already thinks he's sleeping with you?

Flibbitygibbit · 23/05/2019 12:56

Why would you add people you don’t know ? Stop doing this for a start !

CabbageHippy · 23/05/2019 12:57

isn't letting him sleep on your sofa a bit confusing for your DC?

Karigan195 · 23/05/2019 12:57

Ffs if someone I knew was in need of somewhere to sleep I’d offer up my sofa without a second thought. Be that the ex or not. I don’t see why OP is getting grief for doing the decent human thing.

Unfortunately as the gf is sure you’re sleeping with him it’s not going to help but that’s her and his problem not yours. Block her. Ask police to issue her with one of those desist notices (can’t remember the name but it’s just a formal warning with no repercussions unless she carries on) and ignore otherwise.

Becathourus · 23/05/2019 12:59

I'm not sure why some posters are being harsh on you. I understand why you let him sleep on your sofa, he's the father of your children/child (sorry I've got confused how many you 2 have) and are on good terms which is a struggle for many exes to do. You aren't thinking about him but your kiddies.

Sounds like this woman would look for trouble whether you were 'involved' or not, I'm curious though as to what your ex thinks? How long have they been dating and does he feel uncertain about her being around your children like you do?

There's not much you can do but keep ignoring her and make sure your children are happy and ok.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/05/2019 13:01

How is getting away with no overnight visits. I can see why you let him see the children and occasionally use the sofa, considering the DC can never waking up to him in his own home.
I have friends who allow exs stay at Christmas etc.
He needs to sort alternative accommodation so he can have them stay over, his relationship is not your business, him not taking his DC overnight is your business.
Ignore the GF. Don't except any random friends, if you see her march up the garden don't open the door.
Lots of current and ex partners search FB, I'd say most have. I hate FB.