DS 11 loses EVERYTHING

[Stripyseagulls]

Bought DS some new football gloves on Saturday. He went to football on Monday and lost them. And this is how it goes every time- he loses everything. And then we get sobbing and crying and ‘i’m So stupid’ over and over.
I’ve literally lost the plot over it - he’s had a massive telling off and a massive talking to and I have said that I am not buying him a single new thing until he learns to respect his things.
Aibu? I just feel so bad for shouting at him but it’s costing us a bloody fortune - I just don’t know what to do.

I also- rather cringeably- used the ‘Daddy & I work bloody hard to give you nice things and you don’t respect them’ line 🙈

I ended up making ds pay for things he lost. He’s not perfect now but he’s better than he was. Knowing it will hit his pocket makes him a bit more thoughtful

I don’t think you were unreasonable, but his response suggests he’s also hard on himself. If he is ‘the one that loses things’ maybe he doesn’t see any point trying not to or any way of preventing it? Once things are calm could you chat with him and brainstorm some ways not to lose things. Does he leave them on the pitch? Does he abandon stuff in locker room? Does he jumble his stuff up with everyone else’s? Is his bag left unzipped? See if he can come up with ideas and then I’d consider replacing the gloves and giving him a chance to implement

At the moment he doesn’t get pocket money but he will from sept so maybe in need to use that threat then!

@moreismore I think he’s hard on himself because he knows he’ll get a telling off and I need to look at my parenting too for that reason. It just makes me see red as hes lost coats and trainers and brand new hoodies and gloves and hats and bags and everything 🙈

Routine.
Get him into the habit of saying before he leaves the house: I have a coat, a scarf and a bag. and count three on his fingers.
When you drop him off at school, football practice etc he says it again before yçu leave him. And its the first thing he must say when you pick him up, or before he leaves the building if he is walking home; before he gets off the bus if that applies.
Make sure he always puts the contents of the bag straight back in the bag when he has finished with them (never on the floor, the table, a hook etc....): depending on what the bag contains it might ba a case for counting the items in there too.
Teach him to check a space before he leaves it: stand at the door and look back at where he was - looking for the stuff that should be in his bag etc.
it's what grown ups do all the time - he just needs some practice.

That sounds like a nightmare! I would have shouted too. Parenting other peoples children is always loads easier

Threatening won’t work, nor will making him feel guilty. He feels bad enough already.

You need to teach him to be more organised. He needs to think about what he is doing, how he organises his stuff in the changing room or at school and to check he has packed everything. Perhaps teach him to go though a mental checklist. One of my children was like this and they have got a lot better over time.

Is he dyslexic?

He’s 11, in secondary, losing his belongings and then crying like a baby to try and get on your good side isn’t on. Stick to your guns. No new things. If he wants football gloves he should use his allowance (if he has any left; if not tough). Sometimes you have to get tough.

My younger son lost 3 P.E. kits around that age. I got him to contribute to replacements but what seemed to hit home was on the third occasion when I dragged him into town on the bus one Saturday morning and he had to schep around the shops to buy new kit. He didn't lose that one.

Dyslexia and dyspraxia isn’t an excuse. I have severe forms of both and still didn’t lose things. None of the dyslexic / dyspraxic kids at my school did.

Don’t tell him off or shout at him. Buy second hand. Tell him you will start buying new again if he stops losing his stuff.

Actually, things like ADHD, autism, dyspraxia and dyslexia can be "excuses" (otherwise known as "reasons").

My dad's autistic and still loses things all the time. He doesn't do it for the fun of it.

ds (13) was the same. i gave him pocket money, but every time he lost something he had to pay for a replacement. someone on here a few years ago suggested laminating a sheet of paper, and writing the contents of the bag on it. then bluetack it to the inside of the bag. of course, this could only work for sports bags but I tried it with my ds and it did stop him losing things.

You do name everything don't you?

And whoever is picking him up asks about each item he should have and sends him back to look / collect?

Agree with everyone else, he needs help with systems about where he puts things if he takes them off, and he needs to stick to them.

A snippet of memory problems in a dyslexic.

www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/dyslexic/dyslexia-and-specific-difficulties-overview

DS isn’t dyslexic or dyspraxic or ASD or any related things. He just can’t seem to keep track of anything at sll

@justju - I know autistic people who don’t lose anything. Losing stuff is a feature of an overall mindset / personality rather than because of a condition.

He’s not in secondary yet tho- starts in September so I have to find strategies before then or it’s going to be a nightmare

While I think your initial reaction is understandable, you need to work with him to help him changing it.

I agree with PP, teaching him to know what he has with him, where he puts it and that he checks before heading back is vital.

Is everything clearly named? In more than one place? It does help belongings return to their owner if they are. I'm sure yours are but I am always surprised at the number of brand new items in lost property that are not labelled.

My ds was like this for years, school jumpers, bags, keys you name it he lost it. I started putting my number on things as well as his name! The worst were school coats where I ended up writing his name inside one sleeve and my number in the other. We found he wasn't always losing things but some were taken.
Fast forward 12 months and he's in secondary school, he's much better as but we still do a check list before he leaves the house.

I have one who has dyspraxia diagnosis - we cope by naming everything to within an inch of its life, lists inside bags and pencil cases etc with their contents to remind, and absolutely over drilling how we organise everything. When we hit mobile phone age I'm setting bloody reminders on it for everything too!

It can get very wearing at times - place for everything is about the best solution we've found so far.

I would ask that you please help give him strategies not to loose things and help to learn. I was always the disorganised, late, forgetful one and mum did (and still does) get mildly irritated by it. She seems to be naturally organised and on time and never really explained to me how. My biggest problem is lateness and someone on a MN thread linked me to a page of strategies for people with ADHD to be on time, whether or not I am in any way non-neurotypical they are really helpful practical tips no one had ever suggested before, they’d just tutted and huffed that I was always late. Hopefully you can find something similar for your son.