DS 11 loses EVERYTHING

[Stripyseagulls]

Bought DS some new football gloves on Saturday. He went to football on Monday and lost them. And this is how it goes every time- he loses everything. And then we get sobbing and crying and ‘i’m So stupid’ over and over.
I’ve literally lost the plot over it - he’s had a massive telling off and a massive talking to and I have said that I am not buying him a single new thing until he learns to respect his things.
Aibu? I just feel so bad for shouting at him but it’s costing us a bloody fortune - I just don’t know what to do.

could he possibly have slow processing disorder? Its quite common for children with this to forget things, because it takes longer for them to process and remember information and so before they can do so, they have forgotten the task/item they need to remember. it might be worth taking a read of this link if you think that could apply. it might be worth putting a list in his bag as i said earlier, so he has a visual cue of what he needs to remember.

Are you sure someone isn’t taking or hiding them. This happened to my DS, a girl in his form thought it would be funny to take his brand new coat and hide it in another part of the school. Fortunately one of his friends saw her do it. To say I was angry was an understatement.

My thought was the same if he loses it at football, that many times are you sure there is not someone taking things?
Because otherwise lost property would be full of your goods

If he's sobbing and berating himself I think he needs more help keeping track of his things.

I don't agree with you at all Teddybear. Just because you and no one you know loses things doesn't mean it isn't a genuine problem for some people with dyspraxia.

My daughter does this constantly and becomes very upset with herself so I recognise the 'I'm so stupid'. Infuriating as it can be we know it isn't her fault so her reaction is far more upset and frustrated than anyone else's. We try not to buy expensive anything.

With three dyslexics in the family it is a trial memory wise. Eldest described being given instructions as white noise, in one ear and out the other.

DH has ADD and loses things constantly. It's not a choice that people with conditions such as ADD make. His brain doesn't do a great job of holding multiple thoughts at a time and things get forgotten. There are strategies you can use to help your DS, including not doing/saying things that feed the "I'm stupid" mindset. Read about executive functioning. Pragmatic responses to the constant expense of replacing things could include buying the cheapest version of things, only replacing things that are truly crucial, giving whoever picks him up a checklist of things to make sure he has.

I've got one like this too. He list two full Games Kits in year 7, and another in year 8. He's lost two sets of house keys this year.

He never forgets homework, is high achieving at school, pleasure to take out and spend time with, but he loses everything.

We just label stuff, and it comes back eventually. Never buy him anything expensive.

I thought about dyslexia, but school say he's too high achieving. His handwriting and spelling are poor, though, he used to switch numbers until he trained himself to check. I'm pretty certain that there is something else going on.

A degree of acceptance of imperfection is probably required too. I am cultivating serenity.

Dr Why would you mind giving me the site of the helpful strategies for coping with ADHD please? Sounds like a lifesaver!

OP I'm sorry for both of you in this situation! And I get the frustration. I don't think it is his fault. ADHD or dyspraxia and/or people thinking it is hilarious to hide things from him

Are his belongings defini tely lost or stolen?

I shoulder more than my fair share of the mental burden of remembering things because if I didn't we would have endless unnecessary crises over things not having been thought about in advance. But it's no different than if DH had a physical disability and I had to do things for him because he simply couldn't.

Another with a DS with slow processing. He used to lose things constantly. Since he's been taking ADHD meds and had help with his executive functioning skills he loses much less stuff. We're also more understanding given that it's not something he can really help doing.

I have a 2 strikes rule with my dcs.
After that they buy it themselves.
Mine have been known to go claim a tie from lost property to avoid buying another.

Cuddly - when my child couldn't tell the time or do simple maths but had read every book in the library the school were keen to brush it under the carpet and say there was no problem. I believe this was due to the cost involved for them. She is now 22, has a BA Hons degree and still can't read the time. On a clock face the numbers all 'swim' and the concept of time and numbers will always be beyond her.

I count items still. So on the train plane etc with 4. Off with 4.

Just as an aside, sobbing and berating yourself can also be a displacement activity as it often redirects the parent into sympathy and telling them not to worry, and backing down. Some people use explosive anger in the same way.
As for losing stuff, you need to work on strategies that work for him. My DS found lists helpful, combined with everything named and where possible in a memorable colour/pattern. Agree with second hand, and it will become significantly more of a problem next year.

Ugh, no advice but you have my sympathy.

11yo ds is like this. I'll never forget the year that he lost 3 PE kits, I refused to buy him another, then it was sports day and the teacher offered to borrow him one, I had a mini rant at him in the playground. I think the teachers thought I was bonkers.

Over the years he's lost coats, football gloves, water bottles, hoodies, hats, you name it, he's lost it. He even managed to come back from cubs camp with someone else's shoes, same as his own but in a size bigger.

He does seem to have improved slightly this year.

Is he dyslexic?

I feel for you, stripyseagulls. My son was exactly the same. He did eventually outgrow it, as will yours.

My 10 year old is very forgetful and forever losing things. He has a processing speed disorder and currently awaiting an assessment for dyspraxia

Do you know why or how he loses things? Is it because he doesn't put things away, assumes someone else will deal with them, is distracted or something else? I wouldn't replace lost things for him and would say lost items have to be bought by him or received as birthday/Christmas presents. That said, I would also try to help by labelling things in a very obvious way i.e. S.Seagulls in permanent marker on the outside of the gloves and your mobile number on an inside label so there's at least a chance of items being returned. If he's off to secondary school soon, I suggest you write his name and form inside pencilcases, shoes and even shirts (use marker pen in the collar rather than on a label - it's more obvious). For bags and PE kits, order some keyrings from eBay that you can have engraved with S.Seagulls and then your mobile number - fix to any bag he takes anywhere. And write your mobile number on the back of his ZIP card or travel pass too.

If he's hoping for a mobile phone for Y7, I'd be inclined to help him set up some systems and routines around looking after his belongings e.g. empty school bag and put it in X each day after school, get football kit from Y at 6pm on Friday etc etc. If he demonstrates that he is able to look after things, get them ready and put them away afterwards, maybe he will be able to look after a phone.

Check he is not having his things taken. Assuming this is not the case, then things you could try might include:

Teach him to count items and to look back as he leaves his seat or where he is playing in case he has left something behind.

Whether or not you think he might have Dyspraxia, look on the Dyspraxia Foundation website for tips on developing organisational skills.

Encourage him to carry duplicates of small item, e.g. pens, and to build in extra time to find things so the knock-on effects are minimised, e.g. to pack his school bag the night before so he doesn’t make himself late and get detention by searching or going back for things in the morning. If he has a phone, get him to set it with reminders that ping at a certain time or when he reaches a certain location.

Teach him how to budget so he understands the value of his possessions. Take him shopping for his expensive items and pay in cash, so e.g. he sees how much money is being handed over for his school uniform.

Rather than getting cross with him, make him do an increasing amount of what is required to retrieve or replace missing items, e.g. searching for it, paying a contribution towards the replacement, being the one who asks for the missing item at Lost Property, make him go with you to buy replacements.

Decide on your "bail-out" policy for secondary - when/ how many times will you solve the problem for him when he loses or forgets something, and when will he have to face the consequences of not having whatever he needs?

Think about safety/ security - does he need emergency cash so he can get home if he loses his bus pass, do you need a key safe rather than entrust him with carrying a house key? Do any particularly valuable items need a GPS tracker tag and/ or insurance cover?

Question is, is he sobbing because he’s been told off, or because he’s genuinely distraught he lost something?
my - utterly reliable- oldest does that trick to granny. he is perfectly capable of keeping track of his things, but he also knows granny will do it for him/replace stuff if he sobs. so while he never, ever looses something when i’m around, he magically can’t remember a thing when granny is around...

My ds was constantly losing thing. He was very bright ..extremely so in many areas. But this losing was extreme too. He was good at sport but found stuff like tying laces impossible. He lost his shoes after tuogging out for a rugby match!!
It got to the stage where l told him to go to lost property which was heaving with stuff.
Eventually as a teen he was diagnosed with dyspraxia after getting into so much trouble in Secondary for losing books, projects, pens, calculators etc etc.
The OT said his problem was a visual thing where he couldn't see the wood for the trees . So , for example he would look at stuff on a bench in the training room and nor see his gloves even though they are right there. He cant see the small detail.
He found doing patterns etc in the assessment impossible. Its difficult to explain but this was as bad as being dyslexic.
He also does this thing where you ask him a question..he doesn't answer...and then when you give up he answers as if no time has passed.
Please be compassionate to him until you see if this is a genuine issue.
My ds has improved with strategies but it did make him anxious getting into so much trouble.

He is now at university and has managed to get himself into a routine where he seldom loses stuff. Having all assignments on laptop helps!! Academically he is flying.

There genuinely could be something going on.