In not thinking routines are the be all and end all of parenting?

[Rideforthehills]

Ok - so as the title suggests we are hopeless at routine and always were pre-baby. We are both self-employed and travel a lot so have no fixed points in our day to hang a routine on. Its never bothered me and I enjoy the flexibility.
We now have a six month old and it seems that a lot of parenting advice is very routine focused. At the moment the baby seems happy to go with the flow, he gets three meals a day, sufficient sleep and at least two good naps, often three but nothing happens at a fixed time.
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Are we just storing up problems for the future without a routine or should we be grateful to have a flexible happy off-spring?

I want routine focussed but DS decided he was! He naps at the same time each day and goes to bed and wakes up around the same time, which means his feeds work out around the same times. I was very baby led, but he just fell into a pattern ask by himself! If your DC is half with how things are crack on, just be aware of they get used to a late bedtime it'll be something that will need to change when they go to nursery, but you've got a while until you need to think about that

You do have a routine ,a loose one but it's a routine.

They get less flexible as they get older toddlers are notoriously rigid, they are just learning about cause and effect, control and predictability is really important to them. Of course you might get lucky and have a really easy going personality. I wouldn't stress too much about every little thing being part of a routine, but yes I think you will struggle with bedtimes without a routine of some sort.

If it suits you it's fine but does it not make it difficult to make and keep arrangements to meet other people or go to an activity class?

No. You’re not wrong. Although it’s not for everyone. We’ve always been very flexible. We’ve spent quite a lot of time in Greece where people tend to be very flexible, often eat very late with children staying up well into the evening. Children sometimes have long day time naps, sometimes not. My son is now 15 and is fine.

You'll be fine. They make their own little routines, but change them as soon as they start anyway. You'll fine they might start napping at 1.50pm on the dot for 2 weeks, but as soon as you expect it then it's gone again.

I think order of certain things is important once they get older and start eating regular meals. So they know what to expect like tooth brush, book and light off, but I've never had a exactly timed routine.

Once you need to get to places like activities or preschool on time it can be harder, but at the moment I really wouldn't worry about routines. Some friends seem to not be able to do things outside their routine slots, can be annoying

We have a routine for bedtime but I can't stand daytime one.

I just feel it shackled you to the house and no day is the same so I just don't see how they work. With both my children they never had set naps, just slept whne they needed to and it never bothered their night routine.

Its only a problem if/when it's a problem for you, if that makes sense. As with most of parenting, do what suits you and yours, and only worry when it stops suiting.

Be grateful. No need to make changes.

My baby is not a go with the flow baby.

She needs to nap at a certain time for a certain length of time in a certain place. Otherwise all hell breaks loose and it’s horrendous. Screaming all day basically! So routine is the only thing that works for us.

DS was not a routined baby (he refused to follow one!) and I read something about following a rhythm rather a routine. It really helped as instead of focussing on the clock, I focussed on what he needed / wanted. It sounds like you have found your rhythm so don't worry. Incidentally, DS is now 2 and much more routine-able than he's ever been so it doesn't mean you'll never have one.

We were always very flexible as DD demanded it as a baby! It was tough when she was very small, but actually made life easier as they got older (DD2 had to fit round her sister!). Many people were hidebound by having to eat/sleep at a certain time, whereas we could go pretty much anywhere and they’d eat when they got there/sleep in the car etc etc. It’s swings and roundabouts, I think.

Depends on how you define “routine” - DS can get up when he wants and eat when he wants, but does need his nap times and bedtimes enforced if want to avoid him getting overtired and tantrummy. He’s 2, nap timings have been important since he dropped to one nap a day (I think he was about 15mo). Bedtimes have been important from about 9mo.

At 6mo we were still winging it too, but as they need less sleep you need to get more rigid. DS is an absolute nightmare by teatime if he misses his nap, and will be up till 10pm (stropping, back arching and fighting sleep) if we let him nap late. Life’s just much easier on everyone if we get him down to nap before 1pm, and into bed by 8pm.

I do agree that the timer-setting routines that some people impose on tiny babies are unduly rigid - newborns are the one time you can just carry your child with you and get on with your life without everything revolving around them. You have a lot more freedom with a two month old than you do with a two year old! There are other positives to having two year olds, the talking and walking is a massive bonus, but you need to plan around them in a way that you just don’t with little babies (who will fall in with you much more and can’t make their own views known!)

We never had a routine with DD(3) until she started nursery (we’re in Wales where school starts at 3). Now we need an evening routine to make sure she gets enough sleep

I was very baby led; my DD for herself into a bit of nap routine at 6 months and I let it rule my life a bit which I regret slightly. Once I went back to work her routine varied depending on what day it was and it’s been fine.
I have always had a bedtime routine though and it’s meant DD settles herself to sleep.

If a routine facilitates family living, great. The problem is when people forget the point and try to make family life rigidly fit into a routine. They then seem to tie themselves in knots and get unnecessarily stressed about keeping to it.

DD decided a nap time routine on her own at 5 months and I just followed her lead. It was easy to see what her cues were and how much she should sleep when.

Thanks to some baby classes I had to think ahead and schedule meals or getting out of the house at certain times.

When they start childcare you will find they develop a routine or adopt the one from the career. Nurseries and childminders do have fixed time tables so if yiu use such a setting you may find that you have to follow it at home to a certain degree.

Toddlers are creatures of habits. Most like to know what is coming when and learn to anticipate like “playgroup is always followed by lunch” . I personally found it made DD easier to handle.

As we always have family mealtimes and I am not keen on being hungry DD had to eat with us.

Had one DC who benefitted from routine and another who you couldn't get into a routine for love nor money.

I found full time preschool helped my more "feral" child

I've always tried to have meal times and bedtimes consistent and obviously term time we have a routine in the morning..... but I'm not super strict. Everything gets done - homework, baths, family games, reading - but it's not strictly part of a routine.

My twins could not be scheduled when they were under 18 months.

Now at 2.5 they know the schedule and lose their shit if it changes

My favourite thread as I have the same.

DS is 15 months and so far it’s been better for us to stay flexible. No fixed bedtime, no fixed nap times. All baby led. Although they do end up working out around similar times as that’s when he feels tired.. I do struggle with bed time though.

Mainly because I found it very hard to adapt him into a routine of my choice he really just wouldn’t. He chooses that his bedtime starts at 10... :(. However he naps a lot during the day so I didn’t get upset about it.

However.. as I’m expecting number two all the advice I’m getting is that routine is important so that I can manage the two. So I’m thinking to let go of my flexibility and become more rigid.

A six month old doesn’t really need a set routine and they don’t need three meals a day. I have a six month old and he literally has a bit of fruit or vegetables once a day so is mostly still EBF. Food is for fun up to 12 months.

I think routine does become important after around 2. My DC still need a bedtime routine now and the eldest is 9.

I found routine helpful, especially to teach dd about bedtime. But I’m a routine-loving person anyway.

I agree. I do ap and baby led routines. I believe in following the baby, if they want a routine they'll put themselves into one.

As they get older a bedtime routine is pretty important for nursery and school etc as young kids really do struggle if they don’t have enough sleep and they can’t sleep there so end up exhausted. I tend to start putting routines in place around 6 months for bed but go with the flow for day time ones. Also if you plan more kids routines help you.

I'm a bit on the fence. Both of my (young) children thrive in a decent routine. Since probably 6m+ they've had set naps and bedtime etc and always been great sleepers. However it can be restrictive so it depends on how your life can accommodate that. I'm a sahm so it works fine for me. For me, it's true sleep breeds sleep.

In my circle of friends there are four SAHMs. Three of us are routined. One isn't. Her children don't really nap and they're very fly by the seat of their pants. And they are awful sleepers, they have her up all night and she's constantly moaning about it. But she does nothing to prioritise naps etc and wonders why they're overtired, won't go to bed and wake lots.

Tiny babies don't know which end is arseways so no need for routines for them I don't think. I always just let them feed and sleep on demand. Once they got older, a decent routine set us up for easier days and nights.

Do what works for you!

We had a rough pattern rather than a routine. Settling into nusery routines was no bother to them.

Baby 2 just tagged along. Baby carriers were fantastic for him as I could just let him sleep snuggled up on me or feed on the move as he needed it.

Both DCs are quite easy going and flexible about change although DS1 does need reasonable notice about what is going to happen.