To ask for help with MIL

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Sorry it is another MIL one. I don't even know where to start. MIL is overbearing and has no boundaries, things have gotten worse since DS was born and I'm due to go back to work soon so need to find a way to deal with this as it's driving me mad!

We see her at least twice a week every week one of these is for an evening meal and we stay for approx 2.5 hours (which she complains is so short). Some weeks we see PIL 4 times ie one weeknight meal, one whole day at weekend, an afternoon with DS (no OH) and they might just pop in unannounced and stay for coffee too! I call MIL daily and keep her updated on DS and OH and send her pictures etc. If I didn't call her she would bombard me.

She keeps making comments about how hard it is when your kids grow up and how
I've got it all to come. She constantly tells me how heartbreaking it is to be a mum to boys ?!?! and is just very over the top. Every weekend my plans are railroaded to include her. She finds constant reasons to pop in or for us to need to go there and it feels like the more time we spend with them the more she wants.

She has been so overbearing lately I'm having nightmares she going to try and move in! She keeps making comments about each milestone and making it all about her.

On our sons birthday we were discussing my 4 day long induction and I said oh it was so scary and horrible at the time I'm glad it's over and she said 'if you think it was hard for you, think how hard it was for me'

I need to put some boundaries in place and help her understand she is putting too much pressure on us and being very intrusive! I also need her to understand my DS is not her child!!

Any advice welcome!

She sounds awful. Do they not understand you need to have time with your other half and son as a family? I think you have given her way too much already and will be hard to dial it back now. But I would start by reducing to seeing them once a week only. When you go back to work cut it down even more as you will want to spend the time with your child! If they ask to see you just say "that doesn't work for us" don't get drawn into excuses or reasons just keep it brief. Good luck!

And next time she says something horrible like that about your induction - say "I'm sorry, what was that?" - this draws other people's attention to her awful comments and gives you time to react too

Step 1 - cut back on the daily updates to one update every few days. Just tell her you haven't got the time to be sending updates to her as you're preparing to go back to work.
Step 2 - Get your OH on side and get those apron strings cut. I can't imagine seeing my IL that frequently.
Step 3 - Don't go every time for the meal, go every second or third time. No reasons necessary, just that it didn't suit.
Step 4 - Make yourself less available if they do 'pop over' for a coffee. Make out that you were on your way out if you can see them arriving. Cut back on the time you find yourself spending with the inlaws. It will make the time that you do spend better for all involved.
You're not going no contact or even low contact, just a decent amount of contact, and that amount has to suit you, not just them. It seems that all of the contact is done to their requirements and not you or your DS.
Step 5 - Cut down on the amount of information you're giving MiL. She doesn't need to know the ins and outs of what is happening every day. If you can manage the earlier steps, this will happen in time.

Good luck!

Thank you! I managed it quite well pre baby but it's almost like she has preyed on me whilst I was vulnerable and wormed her way in!

She makes OH feel very guilty if we decline they're suggestions of plans or leave after a reasonable amount of time. Last time we went for lunch on the weekend we were there for 7 hours in the end.

FIL by the way is great! Not at all like MIL but neither of them have many hobbies etc so seem to want to see us all the time!

I agree with cutting back visits to once a week. Certainly not one day every weekend! That’s robbing you of your family unit time. Maybe once a month instead.
If she complains, remind her how busy it is with a baby and you have other things to attend to too.
Leave your coat by the front door. If they knock, out your coat on and say that you are just heading out, and you’ll see them during the next planned visit.

This is stuff of nightmares. I feel sorry for you but you do seem to be indulging her. Definitely stop the daily updates it's ridiculous.

I think your going back to work will be a good thing. Tell her as you're busy now OH is doing all the updates- I guarantee he wont be bothered and it will stop.
Use work as your excuse for stopping it all at once. You won't be able to go every weekend as you need a family day and a meal prep day for the week or you have a massive project on and need to do some extra work etc.

Your OH needs to grow up. This is not normal in any way, and more importantly you are not enjoying it - you are his wife and he should put your needs first. Yes, of course you should still see his family, but a reasonable amount. You are far far to enmeshed with them at the moment. His mother deliberately makes him feel guilty in order to get her own way. I bet she has been like this his whole life and he has bought into it. It's sad they have nothing else in their lives but that isn't your fault. If you make them back off from you a bit they may suddenly develop new interests with all the extra time they have.

I agree I am indulging her but whilst on maternity leave she would have just turned up every day if I hadn't always called and let her know we were ok. She will sometime call 4 or 5 times in a row and leave a voice mail if I don't answer! I thought that keeping her involved was the kind thing to do but now I can see I've made a noose for my own neck!

Next time you go over leave early and when she passes comment laugh and say "I don't know what you'll do when I go back to work and updates will be all dh's responsibility and we see you once a week" , that's it, it's said, stand your ground 100%. Midweek is about life, work, family, ds, housework, daily shit, weekends you have to split with you as a couple, your family, friends, non daily shit. And whatever the fuck you do do NOT get sucked into a set routine of a certain day/time/meal or you'll be fucked in a few years when you want to head off for day trips etc and she's wailing about missing Sunday lunch

When I had 3 x dc mil didn't even have my mobile number...

Maybe your phone could have a technical problem and leave her to dh.
After a few days his head will be done in and he will realise what she has been doing to you. His dw who he should be supporting...

This sounds like hell. You will need to make drastic changes to when and how often you see her OP and reduce the amount of time you call her. It won’t be easy by the sound of it and DH will have to be on board too but it’s doable.

Would DH talk to her? She will probably throw a hissy fit but needs must. Good luck.

I must admit I usually feel sorry for the MILs but this does seem excessive! My own MIL lives abroad but if she lived near us I know she'd want to see us several times a week. I think the fact you keep in touch and send updates is nice, makes her feel included. Could you just send WhatsApp messages throughout the week and reduce meeting up to once a week? I think maybe it needs to be reduced slowly.

Christ, I'd go mad if I saw anyone that many times in a week

I don't know how/if you can cut it down, but that's what I'd suggest. And stop calling her every day. In fact, why is it YOU calling her all the time? He's her son. I'd be tempted to block her number, or at least seriously screen her calls.

I'd be going insane if I was you.

You need to learn to ignore the guilt trips, limit any reactions to what they want from you. After lunch just give it 45 minutes and then leave. Don't indulge in any discussion about what you are going to do etc or they will want to come with you.

Good luck, I think you will need it.

Do we share a MIL?
My baby isn’t even here yet and she’s already incredibly overbearing. We’ve set our boundaries but she kind of explodes on the occasions we do see her.
Luckily, I’m quiet a rude person so I’m holing I make my point and get it across with support from dh when the time comes!
Good luck OP!

I did decline recently as we had a busy week and next thing I know OH was asking if she had upset me as she had called him saying I didn't want to see her.

I've tried to pull back over the last few weeks but it's getting quite intense. I feel a bit of animosity from her. Thing is, I want her to be part of our lives as it's important to OH and I do appreciate that she cares but it's all getting a bit much!

Ask her if she saw her MIL the amount of times you see her!

You - or your dh - are going to have to be honest: tell her she's had her family; this is your baby and your turn.

You and your dh need to be on the same page. He needs to back you up every time. She rang him to tell tales on you not wanting to see her??? Is she 11?? I hope he told her where to go and how U she was being.

It sounds like you need you DH to intervene here. He needs to let his DM know that he loves her, but he is an independent adult and it isn't his/your responsibility to provide her with a life. She needs to get a hobby. Unfortunately you can't do that for her, and she will try to make you feel that her happiness depends on you.

I think it's a good idea to manage expectations. So before you go for a visit, let her know what time you will be leaving. If she asks why you need to leave "so soon", you can just say, "we want to have some time together this evening". The difficulty is not getting drawn into the emotion of it. She will try to make your DH and you feel guilty, but you have nothing to feel guilty for. You are including her in your life, and treating her kindly - there are limits to how much of your time she can claim. Her happiness is not your responsibility.

Sounds like my MiL. I stopped answering her calls and texts. I never contact her besides the once a week we visit. She soon got the hint.

You are getting her too invested in your lives. She's living vicariously through you.

If she asks why you need to leave "so soon", you can just say, "we want to have some time together this evening"
No, you just say 'That's when we're leaving.' and repeat as necessary. With some people, ANYTHING beyond short bland facts gives them something to start a discussion/argument/guilt trip about – 'Oh, but it doens't matter about time together with me?' type shit.

She rang him to tell tales on you not wanting to see her??? Is she 11?? I hope he told her where to go and how U she was being. And this. He needs to step up.

Does that happen whenever you decline an invitation? It’s hard to make boundaries when as you say ‘you’ve made a noose for your own neck’ by being kind in the first place!
I didn’t immediately reply to a text the other day and after about ten minutes I had another five asking if I was upset with her, if she’d done something wrong, if I was ok etc.

Your DH needs to step in here and sort this out, as diplomatically as possible. Can he talk to his dad about it?

Sounds like my MIL but I am glad she lives far from us. I don't initiate contact with her any more as once I replied to a question from her on Facetime and she said to me that she was talking to DD and not me. I was like hmm.. but you need me to talk to my DD. So now they get to speak to my DD once a week only when my husband calls them. Not my responsibility anymore. And every thing I say about labour or parenting is made into a competition first with her and now my SIL (her daughter ...who is apparently a better parent than me) . I don't bother with her anymore and just keep my distance.