To ask for help with MIL

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Sorry it is another MIL one. I don't even know where to start. MIL is overbearing and has no boundaries, things have gotten worse since DS was born and I'm due to go back to work soon so need to find a way to deal with this as it's driving me mad!

We see her at least twice a week every week one of these is for an evening meal and we stay for approx 2.5 hours (which she complains is so short). Some weeks we see PIL 4 times ie one weeknight meal, one whole day at weekend, an afternoon with DS (no OH) and they might just pop in unannounced and stay for coffee too! I call MIL daily and keep her updated on DS and OH and send her pictures etc. If I didn't call her she would bombard me.

She keeps making comments about how hard it is when your kids grow up and how
I've got it all to come. She constantly tells me how heartbreaking it is to be a mum to boys ?!?! and is just very over the top. Every weekend my plans are railroaded to include her. She finds constant reasons to pop in or for us to need to go there and it feels like the more time we spend with them the more she wants.

She has been so overbearing lately I'm having nightmares she going to try and move in! She keeps making comments about each milestone and making it all about her.

On our sons birthday we were discussing my 4 day long induction and I said oh it was so scary and horrible at the time I'm glad it's over and she said 'if you think it was hard for you, think how hard it was for me'

I need to put some boundaries in place and help her understand she is putting too much pressure on us and being very intrusive! I also need her to understand my DS is not her child!!

Any advice welcome!

next thing I know OH was asking if she had upset me as she had called him saying I didn't want to see her

Does he not know how difficult you are finding this constant intrusion?

Use the return to work to start re-drawing your boundaries. Given that you are going to be away from your ds, your priority will be spending time with him, not constantly dragging him to MIL’s. And as for commandeering at least one day in the w/e, fuck that noise!

Could you confide in FIL that you are finding it all A Bit Much and get him to intercede? The point you make about hobbies is a pertinent one - my own mother was utterly obsessed with me for a while. She had no hobbies so I was what she did, iyswim.

Oh dear - sorry cross-post.

Ungrateful?? Ungrateful for what? For having all your free time commandeered by this woman?

Your H is a big part of the problem here. Don’t feel bad for your honesty.

Don’t cancel the arrangement for this week unless YOU want to.

Do you see your own parents? When do they fit in?

Hope that your ILs are not going to be involved in childcare.

Wow.
Let the dust settle.
He’s defensive because he knows your right.
Let him blame you if he wants, as long as it gets the point across.
I would also point out, like a op said, that if you split up she’d see child only on his time and a lot less than she does now.

Great well if hes insisting cancelling his parents this week go ahead and do it. That's a good result. Have you stopped messaging the pils daily?

He is insisting I Cancel in his parents this week and tell them we are too busy

Tell him from now on he will be doing the lion's share of communicating with his parents as they are his parents. He's in the driving seat. So don't you call and tell them anything. If he chooses to tell them you don't want to see them, let him as long as he's the one taking the calls. He's counting on you to give in to make his life easier.

Its very easy to say something is important when you have someone doing it for you

Exactly. Let's see how important all via updates, visits etc are when he has to send them, organise them, go round on his own because you're getting other things done.

Sounds like my mum. Its so annoying. Personally, i am using going back to work as a fresh start and have told everyone that socials will reduce when i go back. Ive learnt that i need to stand my ground and this is my chance. Saying that, my DH is on board. With how your DH has responded i would say that you have voiced your opinion and this is what you will be doing going forward. He can explain it to his mum if she asks. If she asks you, tell her it isnt personal but your one on one time with baby is limited and you want to make the most of it. If she 'turns up' then be polite but at the end say "well it was lovely to see you, we'll probably have the weekend to ourselves and see you sometime next week now we've seen you today" and let the unexpected visits cancel out the planned ones.

I know what pp means about getting him to cancel it but he won't will he, so you may have to lose the battle but win the war, I. E you cancel it. Then don't set up any further dates or reply to any messages.

My MIL used to phone and I'd chat to her - then she wouldn't chat to to DH she thought I'd put him under the patio so I stopped answering, calling, or if I did answer, I handed the phone straight over. We live far away

I would still send them friendly messages, but much less frequently and sharing much less info.

You are going to be miss nasty whatever happens. It will all be your fault. Accept this and stop going, let DH go. Have something to leave for if they come over. It all sounds sooooo boring, why do you both do it. A 5 minute call once a week would keep them up to speed on what your doing.

Does you husband not want to be alone with you and baby or something?

She doesnt want to see you. She wants to see the kids. Let her and have a day off.

Its an Husband problem, he is still attached to her apron strings.
But he married & had a child with you, if he wanted to stay with his Mummy why did he do that ?
You do not want to spend half your w/e & week day evenings with them,
Its a case of dosing.
I would indeed cancel, & tell her, its getting too much, you aren't getting enough time with your own family/friends/each other.
& say OH will come over & see you. (with baby) that way you can baby them both & I have some free time before going back to work.
Bang this directly back on to him. His parents he is guilt tripping, so he can go & I expect he will not go often .....

Suggest that OH visits MIL occasionally with your DC so that you can have a breather.

He’s going to have to accept that things are going to change when you return to work.

Try killing two birds with one stone - take her out shopping, drop her off and then politely, but firmly, leave quite soon afterwards.

Don’t let her set up a cot at her house other wise excuses like ‘he needs a sleep’ won’t work.

Hope all goes well.

This sounds unbearable! My MIL used to like to phone me to chat for ages and it's just not something I enjoy anyway but it was worse with her because I don't actually know her very well and we have absolutely nothing in common. She thought this would continue after I had my baby. I'd often see five or six missed calls a day from her and it was really stressing me out. She used to phone my husband and complain that I was so hard to get hold of, etc. A couple of times he said, "Oh she's here now, do you want a word?" It used to drive me mad. So I just started switching the phone to silent, ignoring her calls (I did what a PP suggested once and text to ask what was the matter and so urgent that she called me five times), and leaving the room when she phoned my husband. Just made myself completely unavailable. I don't think it's gone down terribly well but I can't say I really care.
I think 123 has an excellent suggestion with saying that any surprise visits cancel out planned ones, that would definitely cut them down.
It's such a shame your husband is being such an arse about this. His reaction is rather peculiar. Doesn't he realise what he is expecting you to put up with is completely unreasonable? Does he honestly think that what she is demanding is ok?

I've caught up with this. Sorry your other half is being unsupportive. Do you have your Mum living nearby? Could you explain the situation to her and get her and your Dad to start demanding your time (to the same extent as MiL is doing)? It might show your other half (I won't call him a DH as he isn't acting like one at the moment) just how demanding his parents are. Would that work do you think?
If not, you could certainly do what some of the others have suggested, cancel dinner this week/weekend and just don't re-arrange it. I quite like the suggestion that @Horsemenoftheaclopalypse made upthread in how to deal with her.

Ultimately, dealing with this woman has overnight become your Other Half's problem not yours. If she phones, hand the phone to your other half. If she texts, forward them on to the other half saying "You need to get back to your mother about this" and keep doing it.
As someone else (sorry, can't remember who it was that posted) up thread said, whoever shouts loudest gets heard (to paraphrase it). Push back. If needs be, take yourself and your child to your parents place for a few days so that you are entirely out of contact with her. Leave your phone behind or turn it off while you're there.
She is wrecking the time you should be enjoying with your baby before you have to return to work. That is not acceptable.

Oh and don't have her involved in childcare at all. It will only bring its own bag of despair with it if you do.

Let him tell them that!!
Own it!

"No MIL I don't want to see you this much. I have other things in my life I want to do"

Don't call her. Don't send her anything. Don't meet her or see her on your own. And if plans come up that you don't want to do say No.

If she comes to your house unannounced don't open the door.

Wow you certainly approached it fairly and he has really thrown his teddy out of the pram. I would cancel on this occasion but I agree he might be part of the problem here.
Has he always spent so much time with them or is it only more recently? Maybe once you are back at work he will understand the need for family time - which will be much more limited.

Meanwhile I would stop letting MIL pop round and say that you're too busy for the daily updates, personally. If he chooses to get angry, you DID try to have a rational conversation first.

He was incredibly defensive and accused me of being ungrateful

Ungrateful for what exactly OP? He seems to want you and DC to just slot into his family life and for things to not change. He seems to see his primary family as his mum, his dad and him, with you and DC are invited guests into this set up and should be ever so grateful to be included. Has he not realised yet that he accidentally did a very grown up thing and created a family of his own and it may be time for apron strings to be cut.

Just cancel the weekend plans and then put your phone to silent and ignore MIL, where do your family feature in all this, do you get time with your DM and DF after spending time visiting il's four times a week. Maybe have your family call your DH all day every day just because and see how he likes that level of intrusion.

OP I really feel for you.

I would

1. Give him a list of all the phone calls she has made to you and all the messages you've exchanged this week. Say "this communication becomes your responsibility, effective immediately".

2. Give him a summary of all the hours you've spent with her over the last month. Say (if they are around) - of course, we need to also spend this time with my parents to make it fair. I will be expecting you to organise this.

When he protests at how ridiculous you're being, say - you are expecting me to do wife work. It stops now. I am going back to work, we will both be tired and grumpy, I need you to put boundaries in place with your parents. I love them but they are suffocating me. We need to agree how things will be when I go back to work, so that we share the load.

Then stop talking and listen. See what he has to say about how he expects things to be when you go back to work.

That may be a BIG eye opener. Who will do the housework, sort the childcare, take time off when the baby is sick, organise cards and presents for family birthdays, When are you both getting time to relax?

I'd think beforehand about what I wanted. Could it be you arrange a weekly/fortnightly babysitting arrangement for MIL so that you get a night out together? (assuming you're happy for her to do this?)

Can you agree a monthly Sunday lunch, and the other weekends he takes the baby over for an agreed period of time, so that you get some relaxation?

Would you like to go over to hers one evening a week so she cooks for you? Or would that be too much?

I've been doing a course on parenting, and it's got some useful strategies for dealing with situations like this.

To MIL you say - MIL, you are an amazing mum and grandma, and we are lucky to have you in our lives. We think x, y and z are really helpful /you are brilliant at. (Basically a load of positive attributes). However, we're quite different people, and although I love spending time with you, I also need my own space - especially when I go back to work. I need to make a plan for going back to work, so going forward, it works like this (see plan above). I know now that I'll have to do a lot of adjusting to manage work and looking after x, so I hope you understand that this is not pushing you away, I need to make time for everyone in my life, and I'll miss x so much I want to be able to enjoy him when I'm back.

To OH you say - you're a brilliant dad and husband, and you've worked really hard to enable me to have this vital time bringing up our son. We need to work together to find a schedule that works for you and me, and enables us to parent as a unit. I suggest x, y and z. What do you think? (The key here is to build in compromises you can be seen to be making so he feels he's had some "wins". So, for example, how about we host your parents once a month for Sunday lunch? Him - no that's not frequent enough. You - ok, then how about you take X to see them on (when it's convenient for you) whilst I do my pilates class/have a bath/catch up on sleep? Then I'll take him to my mum's/friend/baby class whilst you play the x-box/go cycling/whatever).

The other strategy was - only have 2 things you want to change in your head at any one time. So - say it's too frequent visits to yours, and the pressure to go over every weekend. You can cope with sending a daily photo. And echo back to them -

MIL - I can't believe you're limiting my time with x to this? Don't I deserve some time too?

You - I can hear that you're angry that your time with x will be limited, and you feel you deserve more time.

It does 2 things - makes people feel listened to, even if you don't change the outcome, and sometimes when they hear their words back to them they realise their demands are a bit outrageous!

Good luck with it all

I really feel for you op, I could have wrote your post.

You need to speak to your dp and explain how you feel and ask him to deal with them.
They are incredibly overbearing and if your dp doesn't deal with them he risks jeopardising your relationship with their controlling behaviour.

He needs to see his mothers guilt tripping as emotional blackmail, it is hard to stand up to parents but this is not normal behaviour.

I would start by pulling back from them, no phone calls everyday, not letting them just pop round when they feel like and schedule visits to them once a week. You need to set firm boundaries in place now or your relationship might not survive.

I've had very very similar problems, my dps mother has the hide of a rhino and is incredibly emotionally blackmailing and controlling. It has caused so much heartache in my relationship mainly because my dp didn't see anything wrong with how they were behaving.

I've had to put lots of boundaries in place (which I should of earlier but didn't out of fear of upsetting my in-laws and trying to be nice). It's been hard, I now keep them at a distance and don't tell them anything they don't need to know, I've left all communication with them with my dp.

I know you say your FIL is ok but I think you'll find most of the enabling comes from the husband, I thought the same until I opened my eyes and saw the strange dynamics of their relationship.

I wish I hadn't wasted so many years being upset about it all and just been strong and got angry very very angry earlier.