To ask for help with MIL

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Sorry it is another MIL one. I don't even know where to start. MIL is overbearing and has no boundaries, things have gotten worse since DS was born and I'm due to go back to work soon so need to find a way to deal with this as it's driving me mad!

We see her at least twice a week every week one of these is for an evening meal and we stay for approx 2.5 hours (which she complains is so short). Some weeks we see PIL 4 times ie one weeknight meal, one whole day at weekend, an afternoon with DS (no OH) and they might just pop in unannounced and stay for coffee too! I call MIL daily and keep her updated on DS and OH and send her pictures etc. If I didn't call her she would bombard me.

She keeps making comments about how hard it is when your kids grow up and how
I've got it all to come. She constantly tells me how heartbreaking it is to be a mum to boys ?!?! and is just very over the top. Every weekend my plans are railroaded to include her. She finds constant reasons to pop in or for us to need to go there and it feels like the more time we spend with them the more she wants.

She has been so overbearing lately I'm having nightmares she going to try and move in! She keeps making comments about each milestone and making it all about her.

On our sons birthday we were discussing my 4 day long induction and I said oh it was so scary and horrible at the time I'm glad it's over and she said 'if you think it was hard for you, think how hard it was for me'

I need to put some boundaries in place and help her understand she is putting too much pressure on us and being very intrusive! I also need her to understand my DS is not her child!!

Any advice welcome!

Pheasant speaks a lot of sense.

"it feels like the more time we spend with them the more she wants."

There's your answer. You need to see less of her, not more.

I'm an expat who's developed a very thick skin when it comes to being guilt-tripped. Let her complain and mope - who cares? She does it because she's learnt that's how she can get her own way. When my toddler tantrums, I ignore her and she stops.

I'd feel sorry for her if it was once a month that you were quibbling over, but four times a week? Nope, she's expecting far too much. Once, or if you must, twice, a week is plenty.

Oh ffs, you sound like my SIL (they live in the same city as PILs, we don't, thank God)

Ignore her as much as possible, I know, it's hard.

Your DH doesn't want to be in the middle of his, he's trying to get you to back down so he doesn't have to deal with his parents being pissed off about this. I think you've had some great suggestions, but its not going to be easy.

And if I could go back in time to mat leave I would wish I'd read the PP about setting boundaries about wife work too. Start as you mean to go on or you will end up doing everything for everyone. Even if you have to sit on your hands to not "just get stuff done" its so important to assert your position at this time, there really is no going back.

Good luck

Every time you get a text message from MIL forward it straight to DH, every time she phones you message DH to say that his DM is trying to get hold of him and his phone must be switched off/out of signal/mislaid (normally true in my DH case!) and HE needs to contact her.

Make DH responsible for sending any picture, updates (as well as cards and gifts) to his side of the family, you are his wife not his secretary. I always messenger any nice pics/videos of DD to DH for him to send on as he wishes.

If she visits and DH is around, make him responsible for planning and cooking any meals.

If she visits and only you are at home, then this needs to be 100% on your terms, of its pre planned don't feel pressure to accept, of it's an uninvited visit end it when you need to (I read on her recently, to answer the door with your coat on, so then you can say you were just getting ready to go out).

My MIL was similar. I gradually withdrew. Stopped answering all calls and texts. Asked DH to send her pictures and updates. Made sure I had plans. Stopped telling her everything. She has taken the hint. Life is so much easier now. We see her once a week.

I tried to do what you did too at the start - sending updates and pics every day and allowing her to visit whenever she wanted and gave in to all her demands. I thought she would see how we aren't pushing her out in favour of my family but it only made her worse and even more entitled.

Oh dear! What would you dh say if your dm came round four times a week? I'd be massively pissed off if I'd tried to explain how I felt like you did to receive that twatish reaction.

I had to push back on my in-laws visiting once a week! And no my dad didn't visit anywhere near as much, so it wasn't favouritism. Family time as just three is very precious, especially when you factor in work!

Get your mum to do to
Him what his mum does to you.
Bet he’ll soon start whining.

Poor you, this is not acceptable .
You and oh need a good chat and he has to back you .
I think it a good idea for your phone to develop a fault .
Tell her you have taken up meditation and can't be disturbed and will let her know when t suits .
Her behaviour is not acceptable and oh must realise this .
Good wishes

Why can't you just sit down with her over a coffee and explain that you want family time. She had her time with her family and you would now like to experience the same with yours.

I must admit, I was a bit worried when my DS married. After reading all the horror MIL stories over the past 10 years om Mumsnet.

My DIL is extremely close to her DM and DS and I understand that. I am extremely close to my DD also to my DS.

My DIL absolutely delights in including me in family occasions. She sends me photos of their 4 month old DS regularly with little captions of "Hi Grandma" and "Look how cute I look today Grandma":.

I guess it helps that I still work full time and I have a close circle of friends and my whole life doesn't revolve around my DC.

Also, I am fully aware of what can happen when MIL's and Mums try to interfere in their DC's lives. MY own DM was forever trying to undermine my parenting skills when My DC were babies.
I had to sit her down and explain to her that she had had her time with her DC and now it was my turn with mine.

Once she understood what her role now was, she was great. She was and still is a much loved Grandmother by numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Never had any problems with MIL.

I've just read the full thread. I know it's a MN cliche but you have a DH problem not a MIL problem.

Further to my previous post, The first few times I spoke to DH about MIL he said all the things your DH said. Keep going he’ll get it eventually. If you find it hard to stand up to MIL do it bit by bit. Just be slightly less available to her. Take longer to answer a call. Miss her calls and text that you’re doing some prep for getting back to work and you’ll call back later. Eventually say you’ll call back tomorrow. Be busy with DC at a friends or a baby group. Get out of the house as much as poss so she’ll find she’s had a few wasted journeys/unannounced visits. Have you got some support from your side of the family or your friends? It’ll help you stay strong. You r 100% in the right here. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. You actually sound like a very fair and generous person, who’s good nature is being taken advantage of.

I’ve had to teach my DH that OUR family is just as important and actually our priority above and beyond anyone else inc his parents. He gets it now and has even admitted he was really stupid for not stepping in sooner (he let the whole situation go on for months and eventually explode . It’s all good again now though. Your DH will get there too it’s a painful process though

Quick update... we have seen MIL only once a week since my post and not on a set day. I have text her once or twice only and she seems to have got the message. She is no longer her calling everyday. She called earlier and I asked DH to call her back when he got in from work. She asked I call her tomorrow but I'll just text.

DH has also backtracked a bit now and apologised. He just said he feels so guilty because she is his mum and she doesn't have mum else and he feels like he should be grateful that she cares and pressured to keep her happy. He did admit it wasn't fair for me to have to carry that responsibility and has been calling her a couple of times a week.

I feel like things are looking up but as previously posted she can act quite extreme and be very manipulative when she doesn't get her way so I'm being cautious!

That's definitely a start @takeasadsongandmakeitbetter. Now that you've done the hard work (and the hardest bit is taking that first step to cut back on all of the contact), you might want to consider cutting back again. Don't feel that you have to text back straightaway. Don't feel that you have to see her once a week, start making it once every 10 days or 14 days and keep pushing it out a day or so until it becomes once ever 3 weeks or so.
When you said she called earlier, was that on the phone or in person? Just curious how you dealt with either?

She called on the phone. I was busy with DS so just ignored it and when DH got home from work I just told him he should call his mum as she called earlier and I was too busy to answer.

We will continue to see them once a week or so, DH definitely will. I'm hoping I can start declining to attend and make shorter visits. As I said, she's a big part of our lives it's just gotten too much!

My mil is the same but I put my foot down which she dosnt like or shed be over constantly and ringing all the time. She has this thing that she rings my fiance if he dosnt answer she will text him facebook message him and then ring and message me his dad or brother if she gets no reply. Please please nip it on the bud it's perfectly fine for her to see her grandkids maybe pick a day she can come see them. My mil comes most Tuesdays and then I can do housework or sleep. Shes just got a carseat so she can start taking her out. Also we go some weekends but not all. The thing is with controlling overbearing mils they will always play the victim so you need to be tough but fair so they cant fo crying to anyone. Good luck