Mother and 10k she gave me

[cantchooseyourfamily]

I posted a thread about this a few months ago, for those who didn't see it this is the short version.

I was given up for adoption when I was a baby, along with my older brother. I found my birth mother when I was 17 and have had a very turbulent relationship with her since. She had another 3 children after we were adopted who stayed with her and she seems to have done quite well with her relationship with those children and seemed to be in a pretty good place financially, she owns several properties, a few businesses, drives nice cars, etc.

Up until January my relationship with her had been pretty good for 2 years, I'd become accepting of what I felt was pretty rubbish behavior on her part ( not sending my children birthday cards, saying she would come and see them and then just not turn up, not messaging or calling for months at a time then just picking things up as though everything was fine). I just put this down to her being like that, accepted I couldn't change her and just took the relationship for what it was.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with a severe illness and went downhill quickly, there was an experimental treatment I could have abroad that I decided to go for that had a price tag of just over 50k. She all but insisted on giving me 10k towards it (we were short of that amount but would have figured it out, put it on a credit card or took out a loan). I offered to pay it back at least 3 or 4 times over the following months and every time she said no, she'd wanted to help and she was so glad I'd gone ahead, etc, etc.

My DH and I are fairly comfortably off, I have my own company and he has a good job, we could have paid the money back quickly if she had wanted it but she said every time that she did not.

My treatment went very well and towards the end of last year I decided to invest more money into my company and expand, my mother was aware of this and had even visited some premises with me and had discussions with me about my future plans.

A year after the treatment, out of the blue she messaged and said she wanted it back. After a lot of thought I decided not to, I was angry that she was rewriting history, trying to say that conversations that we had in front of other people just hadn't happened (conversations where she had absolutely insisted she never wanted it back), annoyed that she had made such a song and dance about being the hero to friends and family and was then expecting to be able to call it in at any time of her choosing. I suppose I felt it was the tip of the iceberg with her treatment towards me, her inconsistency, being there for me and then trying to take it back when it had meant so much to me.

Anyway she then said she'd be taking me to court, I got legal advise and was told she would almost certainly be unsuccessful (we had sent messages where I had thanked her for this money and she had said it was a gift). Nothing more had happened until yesterday...…..

She called me for the first time in 4 months and I honestly thought she was ringing to say sorry for how she had handled the whole situation. But no, she was ringing to tell me she had decided I could share it with my siblings and I am now supposed to give them all 2k. I told her I wouldn't be doing this, the money was gone and spent on the treatment over a year ago. I told her she didn't get to change what conversations had taken place and she went crazy, told me she could change any conversations she wanted to, then came out with some really awful stuff about not being my mother, she'd given me up because she didn't want to be and all sorts of other terrible things.

I'm so upset now, I feel like she's trying to manipulate the situation so my siblings will now be upset with me. I spoke to my brother yesterday who thought she was mad and told me to keep his share. Not that I can keep it anyway, it was spent over a year ago on the treatment.

AIBU to not give them all 2k? As far as I'm concerned the money was given for a purpose and spent on that, the money is long gone and any money that I would now give would be different money. The 3 children who my mother had after my brother and I were adopted have had a good standard of living throughout their childhood and even now into early adulthood (they've been bought cars, been on expensive holidays, one has lived rent free in a property our mother owns for over a year). My brother and I have never received any gifts of any significant value, aside from this money and I feel like I'm justified in saying no, they've had a lot more than 10k spent on them and I don't see why I should.

Sorry, that was a lot longer than I thought!

“She can change any conversation she wants”

That tells you everything OP. She’ll say anything she wants and backtrack, deny or blame later on. Honestly, I’d cut contact. You don’t need this stress. Take the £10k as a tiny drop of contribution towards the ocean of all the things she’s never done for you and walk away. You need feel no guilt at all. And you don’t need to think about whether you should give anyone any money. You don’t need to and no-one in their right mind would think this. Sadly I don’t think she can be in her right mind.

Morally and legally you shouldn't have to pay the money back (or give it to your siblings).
It will probably be much better for your emotional wellbeing if you just get a loan, give her the money and cut all ties. Then you can draw a line under the whole event.

Oh OP, I remember this from last time, you poor thing. The woman is an utter disgrace and should be ashamed of herself, but it sounds like she's a pro at rewriting history and erasing elements she doesn't want to remember.

You're absolutely right not to give her the money back, or 'share' any with your siblings. It was given, no strings attached, as a gift at a time when you needed it. End of story.

She doesn't deserve to have any contact with you - she's chosen to turn her back twice now and you deserve so much more. Walk away.

I am so sorry you have been dragged through this mess and that your mother cannot see the damage that this is doing to you and your siblings.

I don't know that there is a best way to broach this with your siblings without causing yourself more pain. I think I would not raise it with them.

If she brings it up again I'd be tempted to point out that, in that case, you and your brother are owed a lot more than 2K from your three other siblings. When she questions it point out that you're assuming that they have to share all the gifts they've been given over the years with you.

Do not give her the money back. I hope your relationship with your siblings isn't damaged.

I remember your previous thread too. What a nasty woman your mother is. Don't let her rewrite history. She and your siblings have no right to this money either legally or morally. I would distance yourself from now on.

Shes not your mother . Your mother is the woman who brought you up.

Remember this. This woman only shares DNA with you. I would write one last time and articulate what you've said here, and then break off all contact with her. By all means retain contact with your half siblings if you think this is of value, but it may have to be distant.

I remember your other thread, she is batshit and toxic, you should grey rock her

How's your relationship with your adoptive mum, OP?

Agree with everyone else - I'd block her on everything and focus on all the good people in your life. She's not worth any more of your energy.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I have several friends who are adult adoptees and I think that for many if not most people, they have very complex feelings about it. Just my opinion obviously. Please ignore this if it doesn't feel relevant to you but I want to tell you, like I tell them, your being an adoptee says nothing about who or what you are as a person. It is merely a very particular set or circumstances that occurred when you were a baby/child. Like all of us, adopted or not, you are worthy of love regardless of your parents, regardless of anything they did or didn't do.

I think for your own sanity you need to remove this woman from your life. She might be your birth mother but she appears to bring nothing other than drama, upset and heartbreak to your life.

This is not your mother. This is a woman who gave you up at birth and then decided to be back in your life and mess with you with her manipulative mind games.

I'm very sorry about this, OP, and I'm very glad the treatment went well.

And of course you shouldn't pay anything back to anyone!

This woman is bonkers and you do not have to return the money to her or to your birth siblings.

But I think relationships between adult adoptees and newly rediscovered birth families are a minefield. There is little or no advice available on how to handle them and many break up acrimoniously after an initial honeymoon period. Where either party has money there are all sorts of (usually unvoiced but ever present) questions about inheritance etc. These are all tied up with guilt, sorrow, resentment, loss, comparisons of lives etc.

Although your circumstances were exceptional I think it was a mistake to accept money from your birth mother. I think it is also a mistake to see her as your „mother“ rather than your „birth mother“ or just „Jane“.

Glad to hear you are better now.

I remember you too. There is no happy ending here, all you can do is limit her ability to hurt you. I like to think that in most situations there is a way to work it out, but this is definitely not the case here. Cut her off.

Your bother sounds ace, and you have your own family now. You simply do not need to put yourself through this. Block her everywhere and get on with your life, surrounded by the people who actually love you.

She's an awful person. I totally understand why you want to be in contact with her - but I think no contact is the only thing you can do.

I don't say this flippantly - but i suspect her giving you up might actually have been a good thing for you.

I know that it might look like your siblings were well looked after - but she would have been totally insane to them as well.

Allow yourself to grieve for the mother she should have been. Then get on with a having a happy life without her anywhere in it.

Depending on circumstances, consider giving your elder brother something...if he has never had anything and needs it. But this would be a gift from you to him.

Write to the others, explaining your decision and identifying what you see as manipulation. Say you have been disappointed that what had been a gift now appears to have strings attached. You don't intend to go along with this but would like to maintain a relationship. Up to them then. Perhaps they don't see their mother through rose coloured glasses either.

Presumably you and your brother are not in any will. So they get that. The real silver lining is that any moral obligation you had to help her when she was elderly or infirm, given she had helped you, is now gone. Foolish lady.

God she sounds dreadful OP. But honestly, in your position to have a happy, conscious free future for yourself this is what I'd do.
Give HER a postal order or cash for the £10k - not a cheque, she won't cash it and will dangle it around and cash it when you least expect.
Say the money was given to you not loaned but there it is & you want nothing more to do with her. End of. Tell your siblings, you've given her the money and if she's wants to distribute it as she sees fit, that's her perogative. You are of financial means OP, give her the stupid money back and get rid of her from your life. The price of your happiness is worth more than the £10k and the emotional hold and threats.

I too remember your other thread and I didn't actually think her behaviour could get any worse
I think you just have to end all contact she is thoroughly nasty and not worthy of you being her daughter.

I remember your previous thread too. I advised paying it back as I recall. I wouldn’t want it to be honest. I wouldn’t want to feel beholden to her in anyway. She obviously doesn’t feel the same parental feelings or obligations towards you and your brother as she does towards her other children. And there is nothing you can do to change that.

I would set up a direct debit to her to pay her back £20 per month. Or £10. An amount that doesn’t really affect you (you say you are doing well so I’m assuming you could afford that) but you then you can just message her and say you are paying it back gradually and then cut contact.

I totally get why you don’t want to pay her back. I do. But I think in the long term you will feel better for it.

You took the money - which appeared to be given in good faith - from a woman you see as a mother. She doesn’t feel the same. I wonder if she was under pressure from others to be seen to do the right thing by you so she gave it to make her look good but now regrets it.

She sounds very unpleasant and a bit unhinged really. But she is very obviously making the point that she doesn’t see you in the same way as your half siblings. Th fact that she wants you to pay it to them screams it. She will never see that you feel that you deserve what they had. Never. Because she doesn’t see it like that. She doesn’t feel you deserve it. She feels that she gave you up for adoption and there her responsibilities ended.

I’m really sorry but I think you need to let it all go. She is not brining anything positive to your life. Just more hurt and rejection. Her loss.

I'm adopted. My birth mother is wealthy, as are the children she kept. I can understand how you would want this relationship, but it was never real. My adopted mother died when I was young and I had a crap life after that, but my birth mother isn't her. Please walk away now, go completely NC, I see her as nothing but a thread to you.

You've made a great life for yourself, enjoy it.

And obviously you don't need to give her money you'll be £10k poorer and she'll still find something else to beat you with.

Some people should never be mothers and I’m afraid your biological mother is one of them.

Go no contact and move on with your life.

I remember this thread too. If I recall correctly, did you not end up using the money she gave you for the treatment? May be this is why she wants it back?
However, if I were you, and if I could afford it, I'd give her the money back with a letter telling her that you have tried to be her daughter, but that for your own future happiness there can no longer be a relationship with her.
Then try to let it go.

Thank you for the update. She is a manipulative trouble causing bitch by the sounds of it. The suggestion to give it to your siblings is clearly designed to cause friction.

YANBU and have done nothing wrong