To be rethinking my 3 year relationship as he never told me he had kids.

[PenelopeDelph]

New account for this as v v outing but need to rant. I'm 33 and he's 45. We've been together 2 years. I knew he was married in his 20s and got divorced at 35 but he has never mentioned his kids before now. Both of his parents are dead and he doesn't have anything to do with the rest of his family either. We had our DD 6 months ago and recently moved into a new flat and have been talking about getting engaged.

On Friday I was suspicious as he told me he was at work in another city (he is a self employed handyman) but got a text from my friend who works at a hospital in our city saying she'd bumped into him in the car park and he'd told her he'd just given an elderly woman a lift to A and E after she fell over. I phoned him to ask why he was still in our city when he'd left for work hours ago and he told me he'd explain when he got home (which was 2 hours later). The sod had me worrying for hours thinking he was ill and hadn't told me.

So he gets home and tells me to sit down and I was feeling sick with worry expecting him to say he had cancer or something horrible. He ends up blurting out he has 3 sons from his previous marriage who he didn't see for years because of conflict with his ex wife but has been building bridges with them the past few months ever since he discovered his eldest's girlfriend was having a baby. They are 21, 18, and 16. He said he didn't want to tell me as they resented him for a while over having no contact and weren't happy to hear he'd had a new baby with a younger woman. But said that he'd always intended to tell me soon. Not sure I believe that. Anyway so half the time when he's been at "work" he's actually been spending time at the pub with his sons and even helping his eldest do up his baby's nursery. Which would be lovely if only I had known about it! He says they are all a lot closer now.

On Friday eldest's girlfriend had a baby girl and my partner was at the maternity ward paying them a visit. Apparently his ex wife was there as well and while I don't feel threatened by her I find it disheartening that he'd told me he was at work while he was at the hospital with her meeting their lovely new grandchild. All while I was at home with my daughter. I feel exlcuded and an absolute mug. Me and DD went to stay with my mum after he told me as I was fuming. We came back today and it has been tense to say the least. I lost my shit when I saw he'd packed all of DD's old baby clothes up to pop round to his son as I had intended to give them to my friend. Another huge row happened and I haven't seen him since. I reckon he's at his eldest's house.

I just feel like me and my DD have been so excluded and disregared. It's great that he's trying to make it up to his son's for not being part of their lives but he should have told me, surely? It's like he wants to keep them and us in two separate boxes because they resent us after he didn't see them for years and had a baby with me. Which infuriates me because it's his fucking fault, not mine and DD's. I'm very hurt and angry by it all and I'm not sure what to do next.

Oh and you know nothing about him. His parents may be alive and in touch with his first family.

I would try and contact his wife, yes. I wouldn't believe one word he says, I wouldn't even ask for his explanations of who, what, where etc.

Sorry but agree with others who think he’s leading a double life.

What’s his financial situation like if he is self-employed but has been entertaining his other family instead of working for god knows how long?

When people reach a certain age, one of the first questions that is asked is do you have children
He is a liar, liar, liar
He has zero respect for you or others
It is not your fault

Hope you’re okay op.

If you have someone you can confide in and trust like a close friend or family member please get some emotional support.

Sorry you’re going through this stress.

I always hate post like this when they say this could be very outing! I mean come on, millions of users across the globe but you assume everyone will know it's you?

@IronManisnotDead My friend and I are both MNers and we spotted a thread started by a fellow school mum. My friend texted her and it was quickly deleted. It's possible.

@IronManisnotDead that's unfair.

If anyone recognised themselves in the situation op has described of course it's outing!

I got outed on here by someone local to me and I live in the bloody states! Luckily I change my user name every couple of months or so but they still had a lot of personal posts I'd put to look back on and others then realised who I was.

There is something mentally and/or morally wrong with someone who can be in a relationship for several years while lying by omission about the fact that they have 3 children.

Add to that, that they would have a child with that person - letting them believe that this is their first child, when it's actually their fourth child ...

There's just something not right in the head there, if you stay with him - I worry for your future.

(also the banned from seeing his children thing - women in this country have trouble stopping access with abusive fathers; it's extremely unlikely).

Could you check births deaths and marriages to see if the children are as he says and is there a divorce site you could check?

I went back to my mum's with DD this morning as I didn't want to see him. I think he's since returned as I have several missed calls from him.

Like suggested, I've sent ex wife a text. Tried not to be accusatory and it was bascially along the lines of "Congratulations on granddaughter. However _ has kept me in the dark over a few things and if it's okay with you I'd like to ask a few questions for my DD's sake?". Stating facts in a way that assumes she already knows about me and DD. If not she's in for one hell of a shock. She read it almost straight away and I have recieved no reply.

Lots of big descisions need to be made now. Our flat is HA and both names are on the tenancy agreement so I've been trying to work out what would happen if we split. I'd also need to go back to work. I have sent him a text saying I will discuss things only once I have got the whole story myself and not his version of events. For now am doing to take DD out with my mum for a bit and leave my phone at home. I need some time to breathe.

Seriously - Even if he had no contact with his sons because of his ex wife 'banning' him, he should have told you about them whether he sees them or not.

My husband also has a very colourful past with ex wife and kids but he has always told me about them.

Them existing isnt the problem - Him not telling you about them is a HUGe red flag.

@PenelopeDelph you're acting completely rationally, I commend you. Have a lovely rest of the day and yes leave the phone at home, you do need some breathing space, who wouldn't. X

Jesus OP you've got bigger ovaries than me. (that's a compliment BTW) well done for keeping your head about you in this shit storm.

I have a nine month child and the detail about the baby clothes together with the comment about it being only fabric would be unforgivable to me. It shows total callousness. My heart goes out to you, op.

yep i would be leaving too am afraid far too many lies

Op, well done so far for your responses. You need time, maybe weeks to process this.

I would say his level of deceit is pathological and suggestive of a personality disorder. I fear that as you are only together 2 years there is a lot more to learn about this man and he has not shown you his real self. I suspect you won't like the real man, behind the mask as you fell for the man you thought he was. This takes time to process, it called cognitive dissonance.

Something like that would kill my love for the other person stone dead. I hope that has happened for you, OP, because I don't think you will get anything good out of continuing with that man.

That sounds a sensible plan OP. Get your ducks in a row

Well done OP. I wonder if she does know about you and DD. I'd put money on that being a no.

Hope she can give you answers.

My daughters dad, when we meet I was told he had been married but that was it. I got a knock on the door from a social worker when she was 10 weeks old, asking if I knew about his other 3 children that had been removed from his care. I honestly had no idea of his 3 other children. It was horrendous time finding all of this out then having to deal with social services telling me the most horrific things about him. It was like he was living a double life and I’ve never forgiven him for all the lies 10 years later. My heart goes out to you both x

Don't take him back. He's basically lied over everything. I could never trust him again. Even if he had good intentions JFC!!!

Lose the bastard. Keep the HA flat and get on with your lives even though he'll try every hook and cranny to weasel his way back into your life.