To be rethinking my 3 year relationship as he never told me he had kids.

[PenelopeDelph]

New account for this as v v outing but need to rant. I'm 33 and he's 45. We've been together 2 years. I knew he was married in his 20s and got divorced at 35 but he has never mentioned his kids before now. Both of his parents are dead and he doesn't have anything to do with the rest of his family either. We had our DD 6 months ago and recently moved into a new flat and have been talking about getting engaged.

On Friday I was suspicious as he told me he was at work in another city (he is a self employed handyman) but got a text from my friend who works at a hospital in our city saying she'd bumped into him in the car park and he'd told her he'd just given an elderly woman a lift to A and E after she fell over. I phoned him to ask why he was still in our city when he'd left for work hours ago and he told me he'd explain when he got home (which was 2 hours later). The sod had me worrying for hours thinking he was ill and hadn't told me.

So he gets home and tells me to sit down and I was feeling sick with worry expecting him to say he had cancer or something horrible. He ends up blurting out he has 3 sons from his previous marriage who he didn't see for years because of conflict with his ex wife but has been building bridges with them the past few months ever since he discovered his eldest's girlfriend was having a baby. They are 21, 18, and 16. He said he didn't want to tell me as they resented him for a while over having no contact and weren't happy to hear he'd had a new baby with a younger woman. But said that he'd always intended to tell me soon. Not sure I believe that. Anyway so half the time when he's been at "work" he's actually been spending time at the pub with his sons and even helping his eldest do up his baby's nursery. Which would be lovely if only I had known about it! He says they are all a lot closer now.

On Friday eldest's girlfriend had a baby girl and my partner was at the maternity ward paying them a visit. Apparently his ex wife was there as well and while I don't feel threatened by her I find it disheartening that he'd told me he was at work while he was at the hospital with her meeting their lovely new grandchild. All while I was at home with my daughter. I feel exlcuded and an absolute mug. Me and DD went to stay with my mum after he told me as I was fuming. We came back today and it has been tense to say the least. I lost my shit when I saw he'd packed all of DD's old baby clothes up to pop round to his son as I had intended to give them to my friend. Another huge row happened and I haven't seen him since. I reckon he's at his eldest's house.

I just feel like me and my DD have been so excluded and disregared. It's great that he's trying to make it up to his son's for not being part of their lives but he should have told me, surely? It's like he wants to keep them and us in two separate boxes because they resent us after he didn't see them for years and had a baby with me. Which infuriates me because it's his fucking fault, not mine and DD's. I'm very hurt and angry by it all and I'm not sure what to do next.

"The elderly lady he was helping is probably his mother who wouldn’t comply with his request to refuse the existence of her grandsons. So he said she was dead so you wouldn’t find out." Or her health issues whatever they may be are such that he couldn't be sure she wouldn't let slip.

Yes, I'm also thinking it's entirely possible

He's not divorced
He has relatives and friends he's told you aren't around or deliberately kept from you
He's a complete deadbeat who hasn't so much as paid minimal maintenance (he should still be paying for the 16 year old!)
He's told THEM it's your fault he's a deadbeat at least recently
He actually isn't a deadbeat and has been seeing them without your knowledge (although clearly not on certain special occasions) but denying you and dd (why?)

And yes, that the baby he's been visiting is actually his is a distinct possibility you need to consider.

Agree also with pps saying to ensure you and dd are legally and financially secure.

You've been very brave contacting the supposed ex wife I hope you get close to the truth very soon.

I think you're handling this so well and glad you've got support from your mum what's she said about all this?

How awful op I don't think I could forgive in this situation, glad you've got you're mum for support.

Clearly at some point when you two first met he had reconciled himself with the idea of not seeing his kids again, and decided it was a realistic option to start a new life where he’d never have to tell you. Any reasonable man would have told you he had kids but that things were difficult and he wasn’t being given contact. So has he really been this poor soul who was denied access to his kids, or did he disappear of his own volition and then have a fit of conscience recently?

You have been wilfully prevented from making informed choices about your life for the past three years and have been enjoying your new baby with this man thinking that you’re both first time parents! That’s the bit I would find really difficult I think, the fact that I would maybe have made different choices about the relationship at the start, if i’d have been in possession of all of the facts!

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My first thought is that you don't know if he is telling you the truth now. This could be a second family that he still sees. You could be the bigamous second wife.

for you OP, this must be absolutely devastating, well done on dealing with it so well. I agree with PPs that this is probably not the whole/real story, it sounds a bit like the least bad explanation he could come up with when caught in a big lie.

Can you see the "ex's" friends list on FB? If so perhaps you could figure out whether or not they do have sons?

I think you need to prepare yourself for more lies. Maybe u r his but in the side. If he gas been banned - why?

OP I’m so sorry, this is horrible. He’s spun you a huge web of lies and I’d bet you’re nowhere near the truth yet. On top of that he’s forever tainted your first experience of becoming a mother. Even if his story is true and his motives are good, in his opinion at least, I couldn’t forgive that.

Re your tenancy: If it’s anything like what I’ve found out about mine, complicated story, you’ll have to re-apply in your own name and provide proof that you can afford to pay the rent. You need to look into any benefits you might be able to claim plus plans for returning to work and childcare etc. Unfortunately given this man’s previous with abandoning his kids, added to the fact that he’s self employed, I don’t much fancy your chances of getting any maintenance. I expect he went self employed to avoid just that.

Please please don’t marry this man whatever you do. He’s a deceitful shit and I bet you don’t know the half of it, if indeed you know any of it. You’re still young, you can look after DD alone until you find somebody decent and honest.

Good luck OP, you’re coping admirably.

What a dreadful shock. I don't think I could get past this.

He wasn't bothered about your dds clothes because he's one of those men who don't hold sentimental value to their kids things.

I had an ex who questioned why I took photos of my DC (who weren't his) because his reasoning was "you don't need to take photos because they are here and you can just look at them." Completely missing the point that children change and it's nice to look back.

He also had a string of DC who he just left the mothers(!) to bring up and pay for whilst he moved on to have another baby all romantically with another woman.

He was only ever interested when he could go to the pub with his adult son but didn't give a fuck when they were younger.

Gosh how awful op

I have no idea how you can get past this OP...the deception is huge!
He's lied the whole time about his children'
Pretended to be a first time father and padded out the story even more looking for reassurance from you about being a first time dad...it's absolutely unbelievable.
He's at the hospital visiting a grandchild you didn't know existed and probably wouldn't if your friend hadn't seen him...any he told her some cock and bull story too!

He must have been in touch with his children for quite some time to have known about the grandchild.
I think you will struggle going forward because of all his lies and you are now left out in the cold and being painted as the other woman.
If his wife doesn't reply to your message that speaks volumes too.

Even if you were to forgive him. You will be left out of any invites to for example christenings, weddings, birthdays etc all because this man is an absolute liar(who must be lying to his children as well) and he has destroyed any relationships you could have had with his children before they have even started.

I hope you can stay strong and I am glad you have your mum to turn to for support

Really feel for you OP.
He has crossed a line that I would never be able to forgive.
He went way too far. You thought he was a first time father, with your DD, but it was actually his 4th, it's so hard to believe he'd stoop so low. And now your child suddenly has 3 brothers.

He has lied to you for your entire relationship. And not just small things. This is huge and I could never forgive the lies and deceit. He is a practised and well versed liar. He is despicable. No doubt he will come up with some extravagant excuses. You would be an idiot to either believe or forgive.

Not someone I would want in my or my daugter's lives.

He deserves no forgiveness from you

Agree with others who have said this is a pathological level of lying. Not normal behaviour at all.
Don't even ask him anything because he is mentally incapable of telling the truth. It's impossible for him. He's better at lying than saying the truth.
I doubt they even know about you.
I would be sending another message to his wife making it really clear who you are because I bet my last pound shes never heard your name.
I'm sorry op. The best you can do is get away from him.

I'd be more concerned about the fact that he comfortably had nothing to do with his children for such a long period of time. He could've seen them if he really wanted to. Big red flag

I think this is unforgivable and unacceptable. I've defended people before for staying with someone who has cheated, but I don't think there's any coming back from this

Your relationship is built on lies, if he's lied about this he's definitely been telling other lies throughout your relationship

Take the flat, take your daughter and leave him

Well done on doing things rationally and keeping your daughter your priority. Sorry this is happening to you OP

You could try ancestry.co.uk for marriage and birth information?
Best if luck with all of this xxxx

Makes me wonder if there are more woman and more children?

It makes me shudder thinking how much longer he might have gone on with the deception of your friend hadn’t bumped into him and told you.

Without being too outing my dad lead a double life.
I didn't find out until I was 25 that I had siblings a few years younger than me.
Lots if excuses about why we were never told but never an apology.
This still troubles me today.
I felt like my whole life was based on lies. My relationship with my dad wasn't what I thought.
I guess this is how you feel about your hubby.
Take your time. Gather all the info you can. Please don't just take his word for it. He's lied for so long he probably believes a lot of what he's lied about! Trust me my dad did

Pretending your child is his first born is disgusting. To you, to your child together and to his three existing children. Also, packing up things that belong to you and deciding to give them away without even consulting you - and things your family bought!!???

Has he supported these three children financially and during the time you've been together?

Sorry. He is a bastard. How dare he get you pregnant without telling you the full story and giving you a choice. He has deprived you of your right to choose because he is a liar. Also, he seems to pick and drop people up as he pleases to suit him.

What do you want to do now OP? You shouldn't rush but think about only this now. And look to your own financial situation because your partner is not a safe bet - nor loyal.

Oh i did forget to say my dsis ex tells people hes not allowed to see his son

Its complete bollocks shes tried to facilitate it for years and he made excuses why he couldnt see him now she doesnt bother

Please do a Sarahs law check.

Have you seen his passport? Do you know his real name/date and place of birth??

Sorry but that is ridiculous to say he is lying because both his parents died. My mum died when I was 17 and my dad died when I was 24. I also have no contact with extended family due to having very different world views. Does that make me a liar just because my parents were sick? I think what OP’s DP is appalling but to decide someone is lying just because both their parents have died is making a lot of assumptions

Does that make me a liar just because my parents were sick?

Did you also hide 3 children for 2 years?
No one is saying that he is a liar because his parents are dead, it is more that when someone lies about something that huge it makes people wonder what else they are lying about.