To be rethinking my 3 year relationship as he never told me he had kids.

[PenelopeDelph]

New account for this as v v outing but need to rant. I'm 33 and he's 45. We've been together 2 years. I knew he was married in his 20s and got divorced at 35 but he has never mentioned his kids before now. Both of his parents are dead and he doesn't have anything to do with the rest of his family either. We had our DD 6 months ago and recently moved into a new flat and have been talking about getting engaged.

On Friday I was suspicious as he told me he was at work in another city (he is a self employed handyman) but got a text from my friend who works at a hospital in our city saying she'd bumped into him in the car park and he'd told her he'd just given an elderly woman a lift to A and E after she fell over. I phoned him to ask why he was still in our city when he'd left for work hours ago and he told me he'd explain when he got home (which was 2 hours later). The sod had me worrying for hours thinking he was ill and hadn't told me.

So he gets home and tells me to sit down and I was feeling sick with worry expecting him to say he had cancer or something horrible. He ends up blurting out he has 3 sons from his previous marriage who he didn't see for years because of conflict with his ex wife but has been building bridges with them the past few months ever since he discovered his eldest's girlfriend was having a baby. They are 21, 18, and 16. He said he didn't want to tell me as they resented him for a while over having no contact and weren't happy to hear he'd had a new baby with a younger woman. But said that he'd always intended to tell me soon. Not sure I believe that. Anyway so half the time when he's been at "work" he's actually been spending time at the pub with his sons and even helping his eldest do up his baby's nursery. Which would be lovely if only I had known about it! He says they are all a lot closer now.

On Friday eldest's girlfriend had a baby girl and my partner was at the maternity ward paying them a visit. Apparently his ex wife was there as well and while I don't feel threatened by her I find it disheartening that he'd told me he was at work while he was at the hospital with her meeting their lovely new grandchild. All while I was at home with my daughter. I feel exlcuded and an absolute mug. Me and DD went to stay with my mum after he told me as I was fuming. We came back today and it has been tense to say the least. I lost my shit when I saw he'd packed all of DD's old baby clothes up to pop round to his son as I had intended to give them to my friend. Another huge row happened and I haven't seen him since. I reckon he's at his eldest's house.

I just feel like me and my DD have been so excluded and disregared. It's great that he's trying to make it up to his son's for not being part of their lives but he should have told me, surely? It's like he wants to keep them and us in two separate boxes because they resent us after he didn't see them for years and had a baby with me. Which infuriates me because it's his fucking fault, not mine and DD's. I'm very hurt and angry by it all and I'm not sure what to do next.

I’m so sorry for you!

I couldn’t forgive him as he didn’t tell you until he’d been caught in the lie, especially after a few years. Maybe you can though? Either way, your daughter will know only what she is used to

This is awful, all that deceit its not something I could forgive. I find it a bit odd that the ex wife and him were at the hospital at the same time surely to god they wouldn't want to be in the same room as each other after all these years whether or not she had 'banned ' him from seeing the sons or whether he had chosen not to. Surely they would be doing their best to avoid each other due to anger on both sides rather than playing happy families ? I too would be suspicious as to whether or not his parents have died.

It seems unlikely that it’s his baby. If he was leading a double life with two families on the go, OP would have noticed lengthy absences long before this.

What an awful deception to pull, how did he think he was going to get away with it? If it were me, l’d leave his ex well alone, she doesn’t need this. I’d just pack up and leave.

When the trust is gone...

So sorry this is happening to you OP I would agree with sending the ex a message explaining and saying you have no idea what the truth is

You could even be the OW and they could’ve thought you knew about them all along. It’s all unforgivable but the hardest part would be him saying all that stuff about having his “first child” at his age. I just don’t understand how anyone could bare faced lie about the existence of their kids

If he really was ‘banned’ then when you met he could’ve easily said “I’ve got 3 sons but unfortunately I’m not allowed to see them”

My heart breaks for you OP to be honest, you’re being so strong, well done

OP

What an awful discovery. I hate to suggest it, but is it possible he is living a double life and has both families on the go at the same time?

You did mention "going away for work" and this can be a cover for these behaviours. I hope not though.

Wow what a wanker

When i first met DH he didnt tell me about his two kids-but that was online and we werent actually involved yet-Told me about a month later before we actually met and even then i had my doubts about him

I did carry on seeing him in the end but this is on another level-as some have said is he even divorced what about his parents-Just lie upon lie hes given you so what else isnt true

Is want to speak to the ex face to face to find out some facts before I made a decision. But the layers of bullshit would definitely make it hard to continue. What a fucking mess

Gosh what an awful situation OP. For me, the trust would be gone. Success an enormous lie of massive proportion would make me wonder what else I don’t know.

However, life is not usually as easy as ‘leave the bastard’. If you are in two minds then it is what he does now, rather than what he has done already, which would carve out my response. If he were apologetic, explanatory, sorry, regretful about abandoning his family, willing to be open with them and about them now, inclusive of you with that family, etc, then I might be persuaded, over time. If he is flippant or dismissive though, it would tell me that i don’t want to be with that kind of person anymore.

I wish you so much luck OP.

No matter what he says I couldn't get past this.

It is a massive lie!! If he can do that, imagine all the small lies he tells you every waking day.

He is one deceitful fucker. There would never be a good enough reason for doing this.

I wouldn't stay with him. I'd get my DC away from the shady weirdo.

Probably the only way to get the truth is ask his ex wife

How would you all feel if you were the ex? Would you want some random woman contacting you? Or isn’t she important?

There's been so many lies, I don't see how you can ever trust him again. Look at the way he lied so easily to your friend when they bumped into him in the hospital. ..
In fact there have been so many lies, I'd really wonder what the truth is. I wouldn't automatically trust this current version of his life story.
You could speak to the ex. You could check wedding and birth certificates online. Or you could accept you'll actually never get to the bottom of any of this, and tell him it's over.
I know it's hard just now but at least you know he's a liar. It would be much worse to be living with him and still be unaware of what a charlatan he is.

How would you all feel if you were the ex? Would you want some random woman contacting you? Or isn’t she important?

Well, I would want to know my sons had a younger sibling, for a start!

I also suspect she's not as "ex" as she's been made out to be either. I would imagine they're either still married and very much a couple, or separated but not divorced.

OP isn't some 'random woman'. She's the mother of their DCs' step-sibling.

She’s some random woman to the ex.

He's a consummate liar.

Do you know any of his history. ...he may be banned from seeing his kids.....by court order as he could be dangerous around kids...sorry to say it...but this happens all tje time. ...

Violent/sexually abusing father. ..he goes to court. ..he's told he can't see his kids. ..

He moves on. ..often t different geographical area...targets younger woman ,she's pregnant within a few months....

Social services may well have lost him in the system. ....
It's only when you concern come to light in new family....from you/school /GP etc etc

That you discover that your lovely John Smith from London is actually John X from Bristol with a string of children behind him that he's banned from seeing as he was implicated /convicted in bristol of violence /child sex offences.....

I hope to God this isn't the case for you OP but this happens frequently

God this is horrible. So, so sorry OP. I would also be questioning whose the new baby is...

He's shady as f*ck and has a secret double life!

It would make me question everything else he's said to you; is he really divorced, are his parents really dead, did his Ex really ban him from seeing his DC for all of those years? Could you speak to his Ex and ask for her version of events? Do you even want to?

I wouldn't mind meeting someone with DC at all. That wouldn't be an issue. Meeting someone who had DC and lied, lied and lied some more about such a vitally important part of their life would have me immediately questioning everything else.

The thing is, most of all, is that unless he grafts for the rest of his life to fix it, there's very little that you can do to move forwards because it shows how little he truly respects and loves you; you don't bullshit all over people you love.

This is going to be the tip of the iceberg unfortunately OP. I think you should brace yourself for the worst that’s yet to come....

If it were me, it be gone. You say your time together has felt like one big lie and it has. If I were in your shoes I’d be leaving and leaving it up to him to arrange access for your child. Considering it’s blatently obvious he couldn’t be bothered for the other 3 children, I wouldn’t hold out much hope but at least you’ll be able to move forward and start fresh with DC. Sorry.

Both of his parents are dead and he doesn't have anything to do with the rest of his family either.

The whole story sounds dodgy to me. It's pretty rare for a man of 45 to have both parents deceased - one maybe but both sounds like a lie. Same with the family - it's all too convenient that he has nobody . The whole story sounds like a lie.

He is obviously a practiced liar - even when he bumped into your friend in the hospital car park, he had a neat lie ready he'd told her he'd just given an elderly woman a lift to A and E after she fell over

Sorry but I think you've just opened Pandora's box, and the lies are just going to keep coming .

Well, that’s fucking weird!

Taking your baby clothes is just extra nasty, to me.

It’s like he doesn’t give a shit about both now that he’s trying to impress his “real” children. The same children he fucked off on...

This is just awful, I am so sorry OP.
I honestly don't think I could ever forgive the enomity and complexity of this deceit. I really don't.

Don't stay with him, whatever you do.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that the automatic best outcome for your DD is for this man to live with her and bring her up.

This isn't understandable or forgivable. Get yourself and your child away from him. You can and should want better for both of you than a life with a pathological liar who dumped his children and duped you into starting a family with him.

The thing with the clothes is illuminating. This tells you how his mind works. He literally has absolutely no regard for you - what you might think, or want, or what is normal acceptable behaviour. Absolutely none. That's him. That's what you'll have for the rest of your life.

He was presumably the same with his wife, and with his kids. Who he dropped.

He will do the same to your DD if it suits him.

Just don't do it. This is your warning. Get away and bloody stay away.