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Original poster

To be rethinking my 3 year relationship as he never told me he had kids.

412 replies

PenelopeDelph · 20/05/2019 01:15

New account for this as v v outing but need to rant. I'm 33 and he's 45. We've been together 2 years. I knew he was married in his 20s and got divorced at 35 but he has never mentioned his kids before now. Both of his parents are dead and he doesn't have anything to do with the rest of his family either. We had our DD 6 months ago and recently moved into a new flat and have been talking about getting engaged.

On Friday I was suspicious as he told me he was at work in another city (he is a self employed handyman) but got a text from my friend who works at a hospital in our city saying she'd bumped into him in the car park and he'd told her he'd just given an elderly woman a lift to A and E after she fell over. I phoned him to ask why he was still in our city when he'd left for work hours ago and he told me he'd explain when he got home (which was 2 hours later). The sod had me worrying for hours thinking he was ill and hadn't told me.

So he gets home and tells me to sit down and I was feeling sick with worry expecting him to say he had cancer or something horrible. He ends up blurting out he has 3 sons from his previous marriage who he didn't see for years because of conflict with his ex wife but has been building bridges with them the past few months ever since he discovered his eldest's girlfriend was having a baby. They are 21, 18, and 16. He said he didn't want to tell me as they resented him for a while over having no contact and weren't happy to hear he'd had a new baby with a younger woman. But said that he'd always intended to tell me soon. Not sure I believe that. Anyway so half the time when he's been at "work" he's actually been spending time at the pub with his sons and even helping his eldest do up his baby's nursery. Which would be lovely if only I had known about it! He says they are all a lot closer now.

On Friday eldest's girlfriend had a baby girl and my partner was at the maternity ward paying them a visit. Apparently his ex wife was there as well and while I don't feel threatened by her I find it disheartening that he'd told me he was at work while he was at the hospital with her meeting their lovely new grandchild. All while I was at home with my daughter. I feel exlcuded and an absolute mug. Me and DD went to stay with my mum after he told me as I was fuming. We came back today and it has been tense to say the least. I lost my shit when I saw he'd packed all of DD's old baby clothes up to pop round to his son as I had intended to give them to my friend. Another huge row happened and I haven't seen him since. I reckon he's at his eldest's house.

I just feel like me and my DD have been so excluded and disregared. It's great that he's trying to make it up to his son's for not being part of their lives but he should have told me, surely? It's like he wants to keep them and us in two separate boxes because they resent us after he didn't see them for years and had a baby with me. Which infuriates me because it's his fucking fault, not mine and DD's. I'm very hurt and angry by it all and I'm not sure what to do next.

OP posts:
Unburnished · 21/05/2019 10:37

Why does he only ever come and see you late at night? Where does he eat? Surely if he’s a handyman, he works ‘normal’ hours mostly?

Hearhere · 21/05/2019 10:47

Him giving away the baby clothes like that it's a bit 'What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own' isn't it
Kinda narcissistic /sociopathic traits going on here

SunshineCake · 21/05/2019 12:09

Late visits where the baby is kept up past her bedtime isn't for her benefit at all. Stop that now.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/05/2019 12:10

Yeah, as the baby gets older that will get way more annoying

Pollywollydolly · 21/05/2019 12:11

You won't be able to get their marriage certificate and children's birth certificates from you local council. The local register office only keep them for a short time. You can only get them from the General Register Office and whilst anyone can get a copy of a birth certificate, you need all the following details:
The person's full name (including any middle names)
The person's complete date of birth (year and month is not acceptable)
The father's full name
The mother's full name
The mother's maiden surname
The place of birth (town/city as a minimum)
Here is the link: www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/

ImNotNigel · 21/05/2019 12:21

I am trying to think of it from ex's point of view but it's hard when I don't know what she's been told. Even if she was 100% oblvious and didn't want to get involved surely it is just common decency to say "I was not aware you didn't know/that you and DD existed. I was just visiting my son and grandchild and don't think him not telling you is any of my buisness." If the shoe was on the other foot I think I'd have said that

As you say you, don’t know what he’s told her. All you DO know is that he’s an expert liar.

What if he is trying to reconcile with her as well as the kids, and he’s told her you are a jealous ex who can’t accept it’s over.

What if he’s told her that you are a crazy collegue who is stalking him and has made his life a misery ?

Or a one night stand who is trying to get child support out him when it’s not his child ?

I think you need to prepare yourself that there is more shocking news to come.

lyralalala · 21/05/2019 13:13

you need all the following details:
The person's full name (including any middle names)
The person's complete date of birth (year and month is not acceptable)
The father's full name
The mother's full name
The mother's maiden surname
The place of birth (town/city as a minimum)
Here is the link: www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/

You don’t need all of that at all.
I’ve ordered birth certificates from GRO with name, year and quarter of birth and place. Just from the indexes.

You only need all of the details of you want to be 100% sure you have the right child to the right parents.

If you know where and when and a name then you can get a birth certificate. It just means there’s a chance that if there’s two Paul Smiths born you have to get both to see which is ‘your’ one.

Also you can order a certificate in the office in which it was registered. Local offices just don’t have access to births registered elsewhere (unless you are in Scotland - then any register office can give you any record)

FizzyGreenWater · 21/05/2019 13:28

Stop, stop stop with the rolling over and giving him 'access' when he asks!

No. It doesn't work like that and it's not about you 'restricting access', it's about being fair and firm and you (as clearly the only parent who has the vaguest notion of acting in someone else's best interests) taking responsibility to protect your DD.

This is a man who has demonstrated beyond all doubt that he is a shockingly bad father, incapable of being a father. He will NOT act in your DD's best interests, and will almost certainly put his wants ahead of her needs. Just like last night. Perfect first 'access' with a prick like this - 'I'll pop round when it suits me, way after DD's bedtime of coruse but I expect her routine to be disrupted because I'm more important.'

No.

You're there to make sure this doesn't happen, and you now need to start doing that job.

'DD's bedtime is 7.30, as you know. If you want to take her out for half an hour before then give me a time so that she can be ready. I will not keep her up past her bedtime if you decide you can't make it until later. She is the priority.'

'You're keeping me from her blah blah'

'No, YOU are demonstrating that you are already deciding to put your preferences before her needs, which I won't allow. If you don't like this, please do go to court and we can agree a schedule which is workable for us both but which puts DD's needs first'.

End of.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 21/05/2019 16:53

He's an expert manipulator.

"No. That does not work for DD" on loop.

janetforpresident · 21/05/2019 17:06

penelopedelph how did you get on today?

and I agree with others he doesn't get to see her at times to suit him - especially if they go against her routine.How selfish of him, its almost like it wasn't about seeing her and actually spending time with her it was about the gesture and how it would look.

GoldenPineapples · 21/05/2019 17:50

Was just reading this and thought maybe as the ex wife has blocked you, you could have been the OW without even knowing it? The wife could have found out and ended the marriage so he set up home with you, all whilst you didn't know anything about it?

Eustasiavye · 21/05/2019 19:14

I had an old friend who was married with children. Her dh often worked away from home. One day her dh broke down. Apparently he had been seeing another woman, got her pregnant, got engaged and decided to confess all to her when she was heavily pregnant and had no choice but to continue with the pregnancy.
I suspect he only confessed because he couldn't marry her.
Boy did he feel sorry for himself.
Crying to my friend about how his fiance would not have anything to do with him.

GabsAlot · 21/05/2019 19:19

When i applied for a cop of my certificate i had to know my place and date of birth and my mothers maiden name and fathers full name and that was for my own

The council wont issue that

ReganSomerset · 21/05/2019 19:28

I've ordered birth certificates from GRO with name, year and quarter of birth and place. Just from the indexes.

Well, that's worrying, given that your mother's maiden name is often used as a security question and can be found on birth certificates...

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 21/05/2019 19:33

Hope you’re doing ok today OP.

robinsarebins · 21/05/2019 19:36

Forget about the certificates, it will be a waste of time energy and money that can be put to better use. None of it matters, easy for me to say I know.
What matters is you know he's a liar.
You don't even know if he really was estranged from his kids or was seeing them behind your back the whole time. I don't know which of those options is worse to be honest.
Sack him off and move on.

lyralalala · 21/05/2019 20:12

Well, that's worrying, given that your mother's maiden name is often used as a security question and can be found on birth certificates...

Birth, marriage and death certificates are public record. Anyone can buy any certificate. Same with the old census records.

lyralalala · 21/05/2019 20:26

Also some places, like Darlington (the only one I can think of off the top of my head) have their indexes online.

So you can search for, say Smith births in 1980, and it'll show you them all then you can just order from there. No further details needed.

Jennbot · 21/05/2019 20:33

I hope the HA see sense and realise a woman with a child needs the home more than a single man. Good luck. What an awful man.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 21/05/2019 20:41

@ReganSomerset you are suppose to use a fake name unless it is a government form as it is not secure information.

Alsohuman · 21/05/2019 21:57

That's complete nonsense, how would anyone ever remember a fake name?

SunshineCake · 21/05/2019 22:04

Same as they remember a password…

justilou1 · 21/05/2019 22:08

How did you go?

Justhavingacry · 21/05/2019 23:11

I think this is something I personally could manage (easier said than done)

I'm from a very split family, haven't seen my bio-dad in 20 years and I'm fairly sure he doesn't go around telling people about me - I wouldn't be surprised or concerned at all if I met his partner and she had no idea I existed (and I really wouldn't want that to bother her either).

I do think its wrong that he lied, there was a lot going on at one time and I guess your DH was trying to figure out this reunited relationship, being sensitive to everyone and without hurting anyone.

Whatever way he handled it there was always going to be some tensions to be worked through - maybe he recognized that even though it puts you in a shitty place initially, your relationship was strong enough to handle that tension in the short term whereas he knew his sons wasn't?

Justhavingacry · 21/05/2019 23:14

(sorry, have realized there's much more to this story than the original post, not sure how to remove my comment? - just ignore me....)

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