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Original poster

To be rethinking my 3 year relationship as he never told me he had kids.

412 replies

PenelopeDelph · 20/05/2019 01:15

New account for this as v v outing but need to rant. I'm 33 and he's 45. We've been together 2 years. I knew he was married in his 20s and got divorced at 35 but he has never mentioned his kids before now. Both of his parents are dead and he doesn't have anything to do with the rest of his family either. We had our DD 6 months ago and recently moved into a new flat and have been talking about getting engaged.

On Friday I was suspicious as he told me he was at work in another city (he is a self employed handyman) but got a text from my friend who works at a hospital in our city saying she'd bumped into him in the car park and he'd told her he'd just given an elderly woman a lift to A and E after she fell over. I phoned him to ask why he was still in our city when he'd left for work hours ago and he told me he'd explain when he got home (which was 2 hours later). The sod had me worrying for hours thinking he was ill and hadn't told me.

So he gets home and tells me to sit down and I was feeling sick with worry expecting him to say he had cancer or something horrible. He ends up blurting out he has 3 sons from his previous marriage who he didn't see for years because of conflict with his ex wife but has been building bridges with them the past few months ever since he discovered his eldest's girlfriend was having a baby. They are 21, 18, and 16. He said he didn't want to tell me as they resented him for a while over having no contact and weren't happy to hear he'd had a new baby with a younger woman. But said that he'd always intended to tell me soon. Not sure I believe that. Anyway so half the time when he's been at "work" he's actually been spending time at the pub with his sons and even helping his eldest do up his baby's nursery. Which would be lovely if only I had known about it! He says they are all a lot closer now.

On Friday eldest's girlfriend had a baby girl and my partner was at the maternity ward paying them a visit. Apparently his ex wife was there as well and while I don't feel threatened by her I find it disheartening that he'd told me he was at work while he was at the hospital with her meeting their lovely new grandchild. All while I was at home with my daughter. I feel exlcuded and an absolute mug. Me and DD went to stay with my mum after he told me as I was fuming. We came back today and it has been tense to say the least. I lost my shit when I saw he'd packed all of DD's old baby clothes up to pop round to his son as I had intended to give them to my friend. Another huge row happened and I haven't seen him since. I reckon he's at his eldest's house.

I just feel like me and my DD have been so excluded and disregared. It's great that he's trying to make it up to his son's for not being part of their lives but he should have told me, surely? It's like he wants to keep them and us in two separate boxes because they resent us after he didn't see them for years and had a baby with me. Which infuriates me because it's his fucking fault, not mine and DD's. I'm very hurt and angry by it all and I'm not sure what to do next.

OP posts:
youkiddingme · 20/05/2019 21:44

Wow. I don't know if there's any way back from this. You must feel like you've been living with a stranger. Flowers

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 20/05/2019 22:02

Sounds like you handled that really well, Penelope.

Keep going.

C0untDucku1a · 20/05/2019 22:04

Op, youre all better off without him.

nanbread · 20/05/2019 22:15

This is just awful. I'm so sorry. Is he on the birth certificate?

expat101 · 20/05/2019 22:24

I'm so pleased you have a supportive Mother! As for the ex, well I guess she has had her fill with his bullshit too and doesn't feel like she is the one to owe you an explanation. In saying that, I wouldn't be surprised if as others have suggested he has painted you in a very negative way.

Moving forward, where you live, is there a facility where you can drop Daughter briefly for him to spend his time with her as a supervised access visit? Personally, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and certainly would not leave your Daughter with him unsupervised. Not meaning he would physically hurt her, but meaning to reduce any chance he has of putting her in the car and driving off.

time to think of yourself now and how you can move forward. Mum's support will be invaluable and you have a place to stay. But financially for both you and Daughter, you need to get some help in place so its one less thing to cloud the head.

Good luck, I'm thinking of you!

psuedocream3 · 20/05/2019 22:26

If the better option for him in his mind was to lie to you rather than tell the truth, I would walk. No respect, you cant hide having kids, with morals like that I wouod be questioning what else he finds acceptable to lie about. Easy for me to say from this side of a screen, but life is to short to settle for liars, cheaters and people who don't actively appreciate you.

Osirus · 20/05/2019 23:10

It must be so hard but you’re doing really well OP. I really don’t know what I would do in your situation but at least you are giving him no ammunition.

It seems that BMD does not cover recent births- I could not find my nephew born in 1998.

You can find details of later births on Ancestry. I’ve done my family’s for as late as 2005 and details are there. Ancestry is great for this stuff and you can order marriage certificates and birth certificates from the records generated.

Ayemama · 20/05/2019 23:25

You’re in such an awful situation here and he seems to think if he just doesn’t make to big of a deal about it then you will just get over it.
My DH has two older kids and we now have two very young kids together and I honestly don’t think I could get over him revealing more children he had deliberately not told me about 3 years into a relationship.
Even 6 months in would be hard to handle.
It sounds like you are doing so well, I’d maybe think you’re as well going home and telling him
To get out at least for a few days as you need time to think in your own home and see how he reacts to that.

I’d be very annoyed about the clothes being taken without him asking my opinion. My DH isn’t sentimental at all but he’s not stupid enough to think that I’m not and would know better then to take things that were our babies without first asking so the fact that your one didn’t ask is a bit of a red flag.
I think he needs to realise that right now he needs to prioritise yourself and DD until you get your head around the situation as it’s entirely his fault you are in it.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/05/2019 23:34

What kind of father denies his own children's existence 😢. Will he do that to your DD one day?

I suspect there will be more lies to uncover along the way...although without info from his ex wife/children I'm not sure you'd actually discover them (short of another family coming forward and claiming him).

To have this kept from you for so long is just unforgivable.

And it wouldn't surprise me if you have been cited as the reason for his absence. If they were even aware of your existence.

You and DD deserve so much better than this.

Inniu · 20/05/2019 23:52

Don’t let him insist on coming round. Your DD is getting nothing out of this. She was meant to be asleep.
He can go to court if he wants to see her.

Original poster
PenelopeDelph · 21/05/2019 00:32

Right. Heading down to council office tomorrow to see what I can look into. Can only hope this is the extent of it.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 21/05/2019 00:45

Good luck PenelopeDelph

One step at a time! 😁

fghkhfdryjkv · 21/05/2019 04:11

I have an ex that did this. Well similar. No children involved, but he was in a relationship and very involved in her family. I contacted her and she blocked me. Turned out he had told her I was obsessed with him and crazy etc and not to have contact with me.

I think the fact you've found out about the dog is indicative that you know absolutely nothing about what's been going on and he's probably told you 1% of the truth.

And fuck him and his access at odd hours. Tell him a reasonable time for her and don't accept anything else. Coming at 9 knowing it's past her bed is a control tactic. 'You're not doing what I want so I'm going to make you dance to my tune whether you like it or not'. If he shows up at 9 again I wouldn't even answer the door.

Innersmellbow · 21/05/2019 06:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 21/05/2019 06:45

Many years ago, a friend of mine’s father died whilst abroad on business. My friend (who was only about 22 at the time) flew out to bring the body home and sort out arrangements, only to discover he wasn’t there with work. He had an entire second family out there. To this day, my friend has kept this from his mum and still pays this other family to keep it quiet.

ThatCurlyGirl · 21/05/2019 07:14

Good luck today @PenelopeDelph ThanksThanksThanks

justilou1 · 21/05/2019 07:31

Good luck, kiddo! I’m underwhelmed with mine right now, but after reading your story I’m not about to bin him yet. Your man must be totally removed from anything resembling a conscience. You must be questioning every single thing you believed to be true, you poor thing!

Chippychipsforme · 21/05/2019 08:20

Good luck with the council.

Stick to what you want re access, DD is tiny, you're her primary care giver. He didn't see his other kids for 10 years so he's not exactly shown himself to be a reliable and active parent.

Mix56 · 21/05/2019 09:01

he hasn't been to see her for 2 days, you are not "restricting access."
You could say, "DD will be asleep at 7.30 as per her usual routine.
You will not be given entry." At some point you will organise a contact routine, no big hurry, after all he says he didn't see his 2 DC for 10 years, so no great hardship.
Try & keep all communication minimum & by email. tell him you will only be responding to emails. Do not feel obliged to respond to his phone calls/texts. this means he cannot hassle you (you can block his number) & you have everything in writing.

gamedout · 21/05/2019 09:17

You’re not restricting access to say no to a 9pm visit.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 21/05/2019 09:39

This is actually shockingly common.

I would just walk away from the drama.

GabsAlot · 21/05/2019 10:10

Dont let him dictate times -the baby comes first not him and thats not restricting anything

ReganSomerset · 21/05/2019 10:17

Text him, or even better, email him, so there's a record of it, saying something along the lines of, 'I am glad that you made time to see DD, but, as you know she goes to bed at 19:30 and arriving at 9p.m. Like you did last night is harmful to her sleep patterns. In future, you'll need to visit at a more appropriate time, as I won't be waking her for you.

StuntEgg · 21/05/2019 10:26

Good luck OP. If he fights against you having time alone in your own home, or taking it as a sole tenancy, you will know he doesn't have you or your child's interests at heart.

My father met a girl and got engaged to her 18 months later, without ever telling her he had children, probably as he would then have had to confess he had a wife too. She also didn't know that after the engagement he had thrown his wife and children out so he could sell the family home in order to buy another with her. It was only when he couldn't commit to a wedding date that he was forced to tell her he had to wait for a divorce and would have to pay maintenance for his children. She dumped him on the spot.

He persuaded my mum to take him back, begging forgiveness and saying it had been a terrible mistake, she had turned his head etc., but the truth came out some time later.

Any man who would pretend his children don't exist, or would see them out of their home, is really not a man to put any kind of trust in. The photo of the dog just seems to add another layer of duplicity to what he has told you. I know it may be painful to accept but he really is not likely to be a caring father to your daughter either.

Please protect her and yourself. Flowers

AlyssasBackRolls · 21/05/2019 10:28

Yes sadly you can't control the "other" narrative. You either didn't exist, or you were a girlfriend only, not the mother of his child, and if not already by now you'll probably be a crazy woman who's trying to ruin his life (and possibly theirs too)... Stay calm, walk through what you need to do, document things, e.g. confirm arrangements in texts which can't be disputed...

It's good (OK not GOOD, but, y'know less bad) that you've found out now, not later when your child has greater awareness etc... You'll be able to put things in place to protect them whatever happens.

You're doing a bloody brilliant job!

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