I know aibu but need help!

[lucymegan]

Have nc because I'm so embarrassed.

So..dh and I have been together 10 years. Have 2 dc aged 2&4 together. And 3 teenagers from my first relationship 16.16 and 13( they have no relationship with their father)
Dh works full time and I'm a sahm.

My problem is that I've become a really nasty person and I hate it and need help with how I can shake this.

Dh is a great father and stepfather. He works long hours and has a lot on his shoulders. He's selfless and caring and is just a big softie. He's a great dh and loves me unconditionally but I'm a complete bitch and I hate it.

I gave up working to care for the two little ones because the cost of childcare was crippling us. I've not worked for 4 years and and I feel like I have no identity. I'm just a mum, cleaner, Carer ect and I'm so sick of it. We both discussed that I would stay at home until the youngest was 3 and then i would work part time until she was 5. But tbh it's turned me into a nasty person.

Like I said dh works hard and to unwind he likes to go to the gym every other day. Twice a week go see his mates for a couple of hours. He's always home to carry out his share of the children ie put them to bed, make dinner, bath them ect if he's out when it's his turn to put one to bed he will come home, he never just leaves it to me he's extremely considerate.

I on the other hand have no social life. My friends are all mums so I only see them during the day, my best friend lives 50 miles away. My sister and mum live close but I see them all the time. I have no hobbies, no gym membership, nothing. I'm literally home all day and all evening (apart from trips to the park, groups, school run) I do nothing in the evenings and I suppose that's my fault because by the time the kids are in bed I'm knackered and just want to chill and watch tv. But for some reason I resent dh for having a social life. I mean I can't expect him to stay in with me every night but I'm extremely jealous of his freedom. His friends are all local and although all in relationships only a couple of them are parents.

Today we argued. We're child free and I suggested going for a walk because the weathers glorious today. He told me that he aches from the gym and just wants to relax. I get that but what about me? He knew I wanted to go for a walk, he knew he'd ache so why not miss the gym today and go tomorrow instead. I went upstairs and cried out of frustration because I just wanted to go on the sodding walk. I've sulked all day and haven't spoken to him. He's downstairs watching a film and I'm sitting here hating him and thinking I'm better off single when I know that's absolutely ridiculous thinking because he's done nothing wrong. It's all because he has a life and I don't but I can't shake it. I can't shake how I feel and I know it's ridiculous.

I'm starting to think I need therapy and that my reactions are not normal and I need help?

Sorry for the humongous post just need someone to help me make sense of all of this.

I totally understand where you are coming from OP. You’re not a bitch, just understandably frustrated with your position at the moment. I can remember feeling the same way when I was a stay at home mum. I totally resented my DH’s freedom to come and go without having to make military style arrangements years in advance just to go out! All my friends were Mums so to arrange anything meant each and every one of us having to do the same just for a night out together. There is no spontaneity and it’s exhausting! Have you told your DH how you feel? He needs to understand it’s not a pop at him and you appreciate everything that he does for you but he needs to understand how it’s affecting you!

Go for a walk anyway. Sometimes a solitary walk allows you to clear your head, dream, reflect and it calms you.

Thanks for replying @ilikemethewayiam

We argued today and he said "you can go out anytime you want, why do you make a deal out of me going out" and I just cried in frustration because I know I can go out whenever I want. I know he would never make a deal out of me going out. I know he'd have the kids, no bother. But you know what it's like when your a mother, it takes ages for everyone to be free, then when it comes to it someone's kids Ill and has to back out,it's so much effort to get the girls together. Most of my friends work too so aren't available.

I just feel so alone. I'm started to think I need a gym membership just so I have something and somewhere to go and an excuse to get out. But the gym seems like a place from hell to me 🙈

Do you spend any time together as a couple away from the kids? Adding a date night into the rotation would be a good place to start

Why don’t you have a life?
And you know sulking is really not the answer. It creates an awful atmosphere

What I mean mainly, is you say he’s amazing. But he gets to do what he wants and didn’t think about your free day.

@theOtherPamAyres I did in the end. But it wasn't the country walk I was dreaming about. It was a walk to my local shop for a big bottle of wine to drown my sorrows in

Evening class? Something you pay for in advance so you have to go each week.

Friday night job in a bar?

Wine always helps!!!!

@MonnieMoo we get childfree days once a month (mil has them) sometime I spend the day catching up on housework or we do something together.

@Justbreathing I know sulking isn't the answer but I'm so pissed off

Also you’re not being completely unreasonable either, as a PP mentioned above he hasn’t considered that you had a child free day together. Do you spend any time as a couple or is all of his ‘free time’ ‘me time?’

@Waveysnail I have thought about doing an evening class. Any suggestions?

Why not find an exercise class? It doesn’t have to be the gym it could be a ladies running group? Yoga? Pilates? Just one evening a week were you do something for yourself. I hate gyms as well but there are so many more options now. The ones focused around classes are probably the ones you would get the most out of.

Also I think you are justified in your frustrations. He does get a lot more freedom than you do.

@MonnieMoo he suggested cinema, but I thought the day was too beautiful to waste inside. I just wanted the countryside walk for an hour and then coming home and watching a film.

Instead we're sitting in different rooms and I'm ignoring him every time he try's too talk to me 🙈 childish I know. But I am a professional sulker, I could literally keep this up for a month

@Starfish28 yep he does. But it's not his fault. It's mine for being so lazy and not getting out there and making the first moves to creating a better social life for myself.

So he goes to the gym 3 or 4 times a week and sees his mates twice a week. I'd be pissed off if he blew off our child free day too!

Full time hard work or not, he needs to cut down somewhere and let you have time to yourself and time as a couple.

If DH and I find ourselves drifting a bit we agree on a night of nice dinner once DD is in bed, no phones and either a film or a board game. It gives us time together and we chat and relax. Obviously whatever you guys enjoy would be your activity of choice.

Timetable everyone's week so you can show in black and white how little time you get. All kids activities, his gym days, socialising, etc. Then agree on a new timetable. We had ours stuck to the fridge for months and it included pre-agreed "date nights".

Stop it. Silent treatment is emotional abuse - that's what the response would be if it was a man doing it to a woman, this is no different.

You both wanted to do different things today. Sometimes it happens. Now don't ruin the rest of the day by acting like a child.

The husband didn't blow off the child free day, he made an alternative suggestion. Rather than trying to find some compromise the OP threw a strop.

I think you need to make a plan to do something more for yourself.
I suggest 2 things

1. couple things, talk to dh, tell him you want to have time with him, and sitting around at home doesn't work. Make a list together of things you like - meal? cinema? walk? ice skating? scuba diving? Really just brainstorm stuff you'd like to do together. Then talk about when and how often. every time MIL has them? Every other time? Use the morning, but be free to do your own thing in the afternoon?

See this as building your marriage.

1. Something for yourself. What would you like? A local Zumba class? A bookclub? a Saturday craft course? Go swimming? Join a ramblers club? Can you do any of them with kids in tow, eg there is a ramblers that goes form our local leisure centre, they just do a 3 mile walk round town, through parks etc, you coudl take a buggy on that walk. Some leisure centres have a creche, so creche while you swim.

Find something that is once a week. Put it in the diary, so if dh needs to work round it, that's fine.

You are not horrible, you have spent 4 years being a SAHM, and the novelty has worn off!

Full time hard work or not, he needs to cut down somewhere and let you have time to yourself and time as a couple.

Did you not read the op or did you fail to understand it? That's the oddest response.

Op, you have the opportunity, so why aren't you taking it? Why are you not sorting your social life but instead doing nothing and then resenting him for not doing the same?

What's stopping you? Do you know?

@NoBaggyPants I put my hands up and agree that I've stropped. But I do nothing for myself and the one thing I did want to do he turned it down.
We never talk, busy life's and trying to talk at home is just not worth doing. A walk and a chat in the countryside for an hour was all I wanted. Yep he suggested other things to do but that was cinema to watch avengers. I've never seen an avengers film in my life so wouldn't have a clue what was going on.

*Op, you have the opportunity, so why aren't you taking it? Why are you not sorting your social life but instead doing nothing and then resenting him for not doing the same?

What's stopping you? Do you know?*

I think it's because I don't know what my interests are. Swimming sounds good but I'm not a strong swimmer so I'd feel like a plank bopping up and down in the pool. Classes sound good but I'm a little scared of them because I've never excercised in my life so not sure what to expect and not sure if I could keep up.

I just don't know where to start really.

I think his exercise today could have been the walk with you, so he's a git there.

Do you think you might need to see the GP, as you seem to have quite low mood ongoing?

If being a sahm isn't working for you, then you need to think about going back to work. The pay-off in terms of your mental health outweighs the costs. Even if you work a few hours and are basically giving your whole pay straight to a nursery, it'd be worth it for the outside validation and doing something different.

I think his exercise today could have been the walk with you, so he's a git there

I said this to him.

Do you think you might need to see the GP, as you seem to have quite low mood ongoing?

Honestly. Yes I think I do need to see a gp. My moods got worse since have my youngest. I find it really difficult to enjoy things. Show interest. And just feel happy. That's why I think this walk was meaningful to me because it's something that I wanted to do all week with him. I just wanted to chat and walk and remember what it's like for it to just be about us. But he totally missed the cue

I'm definitely going to consider going back to work. I don't think I can carry on like this.