I know aibu but need help!

[lucymegan]

Have nc because I'm so embarrassed.

So..dh and I have been together 10 years. Have 2 dc aged 2&4 together. And 3 teenagers from my first relationship 16.16 and 13( they have no relationship with their father)
Dh works full time and I'm a sahm.

My problem is that I've become a really nasty person and I hate it and need help with how I can shake this.

Dh is a great father and stepfather. He works long hours and has a lot on his shoulders. He's selfless and caring and is just a big softie. He's a great dh and loves me unconditionally but I'm a complete bitch and I hate it.

I gave up working to care for the two little ones because the cost of childcare was crippling us. I've not worked for 4 years and and I feel like I have no identity. I'm just a mum, cleaner, Carer ect and I'm so sick of it. We both discussed that I would stay at home until the youngest was 3 and then i would work part time until she was 5. But tbh it's turned me into a nasty person.

Like I said dh works hard and to unwind he likes to go to the gym every other day. Twice a week go see his mates for a couple of hours. He's always home to carry out his share of the children ie put them to bed, make dinner, bath them ect if he's out when it's his turn to put one to bed he will come home, he never just leaves it to me he's extremely considerate.

I on the other hand have no social life. My friends are all mums so I only see them during the day, my best friend lives 50 miles away. My sister and mum live close but I see them all the time. I have no hobbies, no gym membership, nothing. I'm literally home all day and all evening (apart from trips to the park, groups, school run) I do nothing in the evenings and I suppose that's my fault because by the time the kids are in bed I'm knackered and just want to chill and watch tv. But for some reason I resent dh for having a social life. I mean I can't expect him to stay in with me every night but I'm extremely jealous of his freedom. His friends are all local and although all in relationships only a couple of them are parents.

Today we argued. We're child free and I suggested going for a walk because the weathers glorious today. He told me that he aches from the gym and just wants to relax. I get that but what about me? He knew I wanted to go for a walk, he knew he'd ache so why not miss the gym today and go tomorrow instead. I went upstairs and cried out of frustration because I just wanted to go on the sodding walk. I've sulked all day and haven't spoken to him. He's downstairs watching a film and I'm sitting here hating him and thinking I'm better off single when I know that's absolutely ridiculous thinking because he's done nothing wrong. It's all because he has a life and I don't but I can't shake it. I can't shake how I feel and I know it's ridiculous.

I'm starting to think I need therapy and that my reactions are not normal and I need help?

Sorry for the humongous post just need someone to help me make sense of all of this.

You are not nasty or unreasonable;
Just unfulfilled and resentful....time to do things for you x

Good on you @lucymegan! Here's to your life!

Spectacular Missing the Point there!

Why? Why does the OP need to be accompanied by her husband? If she wants to do something she should do it. Her DH isn't stopping her is he?

Time for you to go back to work.
My DH was a SAHD. The plan was that he'd stay home with the kids until the youngest started school. By the time she was 3 he was feeling like you. He was down, fed up, no confidence in himself and we were bickering constantly.
He decided enough was enough and looked for a job. Financially it actually worked out better, and he was like a different person within weeks.
Honestly, I'd consider getting a job if I were you. Plans change. You sound like you have a good marriage, I'm sure your DH will support you to do what's best for you.

Hi OP - just dropping in and have not read the whole thread (sorry) but for me this constant feeling of barely suppressed rage is a symptom of depression.

I bet you don't think you have much worth or value either, do you?
This made me tear up because it's exactly how I feel^ So sorry, lucymegan* I didn't want to make you cry but your sadness and despair just jumps out of your posts.

You can change this, you truly can. The first step is recognising the need to change things and that is the hardest, you've done that. Give yourself credit for that, please.

I understand your hurt because your husband didn't want to go on a walk with you and I think it was unkind of him not to do so, it was just a little thing that would have meant an awful lot to you.

I completely understand. I have three dc under 5 and always get myself in a similar scenario during my mat leaves. I lose myself in my dc and while I love spending time with them, I'm also resentful that my (super hands on) dh gets more of a choice than me about which bits of childcare and housework he does or doesn't do. Eg his nights out are straight after work and he missed the kids bedtime. If I go out, it's local and after bedtime as that fits in better with my friends (also parents).

My perspective and dh's perspective on our free time are different. I crave adult interaction (beyond chatting about kids) and he wants to chill.
For me the solution is going back to work pt (I'm lucky I have a job that is financially viable with childcare). It gives me variety and uses a different part of my brain.
I also recognise I'm crap at digging myself out of my 'pissed off' rut. I don't plan enough fun things for myself (with and without dh). I should be better at scheduling it in rather than comparing myself to my perception of dh's freedoms. I'm working on this. Recognising this is the first step! I make myself plan things that I'm not particularly enthused about and then actually have fun. This encourages the next plan etc.
If you follow the Unmumsy mum on FB or Instagram, I'd recommend reading her chapter in her first book (I think) on 'My day is more shit than yours'. It really resonated with me as it talks about the different feelings of sahp vs working parents.
for you. Sorry for the mammoth post-hope some of this makes sense!!

Do you like art op? I'm a sahm and I was an illustrator for a long time but I stopped before I had dd and I felt a bit lost. I go to the gym now because I'm overweight, I also go to a drop in life drawing class which means if I don't fancy it then I don't lose anything and I feel SO much better once I'm done. I still have the artist in me, I thought I'd lost her!!

Are you shagging much? Sorry for that question but the fact you're not on contraception made me wonder.

I get like this when we haven't shagged for a bit!

I think also the point is. You wanted to do something in your head. You made that plan already. Then you asked your dh and he didn’t want to. So the thing you had an idea of didn’t materialise
In your head that all makes sense.

To him, he suggested a movie and a chill and you went off and sulked.

Perhaps if you had said 2 days ago, I would love to go for a walk on our day if the weather is nice enough.

Anyhoo it’s a lot of lack of communication And you needing to do stuff for yourself

This thread has really struck a chord with me. I have a one year old and a two year old and my husband is away two weekends a month at uni. I literally feel chained to the house and kids sometimes. I'm probably four weeks further ahead than you though.

I read a book called "how to do everything and be happy" . Easy read, gave me food for thought.

I've started couch to 5k (run with a friend every weds and on my own twice a week), have joined slimming world and have put a few nights out with random friends in the diary - even if they're six weeks in advance. Also DH and I have a date night booked for Thursday. I've done a babysitting swap with a friend.

I thought I was trapped with the kids but I just took the time. No one said anything, nothing happened, I just happen to be more free. It feels less like a prison now.

Why? Why does the OP need to be accompanied by her husband? If she wants to do something she should do it. Her DH isn't stopping her is he?

Because she wanted to do it with him. He's not around that much and they're rarely on their own.
So not unreasonable?

Because she wanted to do it with him. He's not around that much and they're rarely on their own.
So not unreasonable?

Well, only unreasonable in that he doesn't want to do it.

The OP is upset that her husband has a social life but actually he has a social life because he goes and does those things. He doesn't insist that Op goes with him and then if she says no he doesn't sit in his room crying.

So if it's a choice between doing something you want, on your own, or sitting crying I think the answer is to do it on your own.

Rather than join a gym, maybe a walking group would suit you? You’d get the chance to get out, meet new people, and get some exercise at the same time.

Thank you all for your reply's. I've got an appointment with my gp tomorrow.
I've been looking at some adult learning courses at my local college. I'm thinking I'd like to do floristry.

Going to look into getting some swimming lessons too.

Thanks everyone.

Good news lucymegan, all the best.

Op, i was the same as you. I had 3 children within 4 years and my husband worka very long random shifts & it just felt trapped. Just moving from one bedtime to the next. My DH is wonderful but he had the gym & a couple of activites. In the end i joined a martial arts class (I'd done it as a teenager) and ive never looked back.

My best friend is there, we have such fun in lessons & socialise outside of training. I've earned myself a dozen more friends and i now even run and teach my own club.

You need to get out there & invest in yourself too, in whatever way makes you happy.

Good luck tomorrow OP, a team sport might be an option to consider, I started playing netball again as an adult and am part of a really lovely supportive social team now, doesn’t have to be competitive, back to netball is huge in most areas now. Also used to have a great masters team in our local swimming club which might be a better fit than lessons if that’s your first choice activity.

I was going to suggest a college class. I take one from time to time, generally something from the continuing Ed section. I’ve even taken intro to floristry. It really helps to have something on the calendar that is just yours.