I know aibu but need help!

[lucymegan]

Have nc because I'm so embarrassed.

So..dh and I have been together 10 years. Have 2 dc aged 2&4 together. And 3 teenagers from my first relationship 16.16 and 13( they have no relationship with their father)
Dh works full time and I'm a sahm.

My problem is that I've become a really nasty person and I hate it and need help with how I can shake this.

Dh is a great father and stepfather. He works long hours and has a lot on his shoulders. He's selfless and caring and is just a big softie. He's a great dh and loves me unconditionally but I'm a complete bitch and I hate it.

I gave up working to care for the two little ones because the cost of childcare was crippling us. I've not worked for 4 years and and I feel like I have no identity. I'm just a mum, cleaner, Carer ect and I'm so sick of it. We both discussed that I would stay at home until the youngest was 3 and then i would work part time until she was 5. But tbh it's turned me into a nasty person.

Like I said dh works hard and to unwind he likes to go to the gym every other day. Twice a week go see his mates for a couple of hours. He's always home to carry out his share of the children ie put them to bed, make dinner, bath them ect if he's out when it's his turn to put one to bed he will come home, he never just leaves it to me he's extremely considerate.

I on the other hand have no social life. My friends are all mums so I only see them during the day, my best friend lives 50 miles away. My sister and mum live close but I see them all the time. I have no hobbies, no gym membership, nothing. I'm literally home all day and all evening (apart from trips to the park, groups, school run) I do nothing in the evenings and I suppose that's my fault because by the time the kids are in bed I'm knackered and just want to chill and watch tv. But for some reason I resent dh for having a social life. I mean I can't expect him to stay in with me every night but I'm extremely jealous of his freedom. His friends are all local and although all in relationships only a couple of them are parents.

Today we argued. We're child free and I suggested going for a walk because the weathers glorious today. He told me that he aches from the gym and just wants to relax. I get that but what about me? He knew I wanted to go for a walk, he knew he'd ache so why not miss the gym today and go tomorrow instead. I went upstairs and cried out of frustration because I just wanted to go on the sodding walk. I've sulked all day and haven't spoken to him. He's downstairs watching a film and I'm sitting here hating him and thinking I'm better off single when I know that's absolutely ridiculous thinking because he's done nothing wrong. It's all because he has a life and I don't but I can't shake it. I can't shake how I feel and I know it's ridiculous.

I'm starting to think I need therapy and that my reactions are not normal and I need help?

Sorry for the humongous post just need someone to help me make sense of all of this.

I don't think yabu. If he goes to the gym, he could go for a walk with you. You weren't asking to be out all day? Also, looking after little ones is extremely tiring. I've been a SAHM and am now a working Mum. I find my day at work much easier than being at home!

He wanted to go and see a film that he liked and you had no interest in. He sounds quite selfish to me.

How about swimming lessons then if you enjoy swimming? You can do adult group classes or 1 to 1.

OP I think you are me.

What you need to do first of all is take him a glass from the bottle of wine you bought and go and find a DVD for the rest of the day.

When I had kids my social life just disappeared, I also felt (still feel sometimes) that I'd lost me. Friends moved on or like you say all have kids so it becomes restrictive on what you can do and when.

What sort of things did you do pre-kids and what sort of things do you enjoy. Now I don't have the childcare issues things that I have started doing is gym membership, walking the dog (a lot I chose the breed specifically to make me walk) I also swim a lot.

When the kids were younger I did an Open University degree which ended up with a complete change of career for me. A friend of mine has just completed a floristry course which has also led to a complete change of direction for her. Do something you enjoy.

Its clear SAHM isn't working for you and you need something that stretches you. I take it the older one starts school in September, that will cut the childcare costs why don't you look for something that gets you out from then. It will do both you and your relationship with your family the world of good.

I get you...to be honest as amazing as you portray him he does actually seem to have a lot of time to himself. As for the sulking that is a downward spiral, once you start it is difficult to get out of it. You have family around you so are lucky with that, but are dissatisfied with your life at the moment. Have you thought about an art class, yoga or even better a ramblers group?

lucymegan you do seem to be expecting everything to just happen for you or for others to make it happen to the extent you asked people on here to suggest evening classes for you to attend, not meaning to sound awful, but how would people on here know what interests you? I think this is part of your problem you have given up, is this a symptom of depression? A visit to the GP about your mood would be a good place to start.

The only person who can get you out of this rut is you and it will take work and effort, you might not be able to apply yourself until you have explored why you can't be bothered to make the effort. At the moment you are finding excuses not to do things instead of reasons to do them and being determined to overcome obstacles to ensure you do them - taking the path of least resistance.

What are you interested in? Would you like to learn a language, to sew, to decorate cakes, is your goal to learn something and the social aspect a bonus or is the social aspect the sole benefit you are looking for?

What about groups such as the WI, voluntary organisations?

You sound bored rigid with your life and as if you feel you have lost all purpose, independence and a sense of self which I suspect giving up work was the major contributory factor. Is part time work a possibility?

I don't think you are 100% unreasonable, stropping and sulking is unreasonable, I think you are lost and struggling.

Aside from everything else. Sulking is bad. It just is. It’s a manipulative form of control.
People do it for many reasons. But it has the same effect.
Don’t do it. Resolve problems like a grown adult.
I know this because I used to be a sulker. I couldn’t face the actual problem so I would go off and sulk.

If you read the threads about men sulking on here you would stop it in a heartbeat.

You may be a little depressed OP. Its something that can just spiral out of control. Definitely see your GP. Do you like animals? Ie how about doing some voluntary dog walking for the elderly or something as you like getting out and walking? Or are you interested in Art? I’d so how about art classes? Or are you sporty? How about tennis or even golf? Women’s golf is huge now and very sociable! You really do need to do something for you but if you do start something you need to ensure your DH doesn’t unwittingly sabotage it by not being available to look after the kids. You need to commit and make sure he understands you are serious.

You've not got a mirena coil have you? You're post sounds like me when I had one?

Thanks everyone for the reply's.

I'm gonna have a look at what's going on locally in my area and see if anything interests me. But first of all I'm making an appointment tomorrow to see my gp. Someone above mentioned swimming lessons I'm going to take a look at that because I'd love to be a strong confident swimmer.

I'm going to rope my sister in coming to the gym with me because I think it might motivate me more if I'm going with someone. Going alone feels a little daunting.

I've come to the conclusion that I need my own life/interests. I've realised today that dh and I don't have much conversation because my only conversation is kids and housework. Maybe if I have something going on in my own life then I'll actually be a little bit more interesting. Atm I'm a frumpy housewife with no identity of my own. I need this for my own sanity I think. Also I think it will be helpful for when I do go back to work, I've lost myself and my confidence is non existent atm.

@Bloomburger no I'm not on any contraception atm. I came off the pill because I thought it was affecting my moods. 18 month later and nothing's changed I'm still exactly the same. Which is a little worrying because I've realised that this is just me and I haven't even got hormones to excuse it

You’re not a bitch but I think being a SAHM isn’t working out for you. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum or person, you just need to be stimulated more mentally and that’s fine- I’m the same and many women are.

I suggest finding a part time role if possible, maybe work one or two evenings when DH is home? Also you could have easily gone out for a walk alone today, you don’t need DH to tag along.

Another point is that if he gets to go the gym regularly, you should be able to too. If the gym isn’t for you then swimming? Yoga? Some sort of hobby? There’ll be plenty around.

I've lost myself I think that is the absolute crux of the matter lucymegan, I bet you don't think you have much worth or value either, do you?

Glad you are going to the GP it is a great starting point.

You definitely need your own life and interests not to be more interesting to your husband but for your own sense of identity, worth and self, to feel like you are using your mind productively and it will build your self confidence.

Good luck.

This is very similar to my life. I gave up work ten years ago as we have two disabled children. My dh works full time but goes to the gym 2/3 times a week and sees friends once a week. I feel very lonely and isolated. I think that’s the hardest part watching my dh go out with people and I’m left alone again and when it comes to time together again he’s too tired. I know I need to create a life for myself and not rely on him but I’m quite down and it’s hard to know where to start. If you ever want to chat pm me.

Mate, go and see your husband, give him a hug and apologise for sulking. Have a cuppa with him (or glass of wine) and watch some crap TV together. All of this is sortable, so don't despair. Make a GP appointment tomorrow. Look into going back to work ASAP. Go on the local council website (or local colleges, etc) and see what adult education classes they have on. My local one had gardening classes and all sorts. Sign up for something that appeals - it doesn't have to be your life's passion, it just has to get your out of the house and back to being a person in your own right.

I suggest finding a part time role if possible, maybe work one or two evenings when DH is home? Also you could have easily gone out for a walk alone today, you don’t need DH to tag along.

I'm going to look for some evening/ weekend work. I think that will help me loads.

I really wanted to walk with him. I do everything alone,well I've got the kids but wanted some adult company. He was fine about spending time together but wasn't interested in the walk

I bet you don't think you have much worth or value either, do you?
This made me tear up because it's exactly how I feel 😭

@Alwaysgrey hard isn't it? I'm happy that he has a social life. For along time he didn't see his friends and had no motivation and put on a lot of weight. He's lost half a stone in two weeks and I'm so happy for him but I feel like I'm losing him and that's ridiculous because I know he loves me. He needs to have a life of his own and I understand that and so should I but I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know where to start with rebuilding my own life. Thank you x

@Throckmorton thank you for your words. I'm definitely going to make a start this coming week. I'm 34 not 94 and I think it's about time I got my life back 💪🏼

We're child free and I suggested going for a walk because the weathers glorious today. He told me that he aches from the gym and just wants to relax. I get that but what about me? He knew I wanted to go for a walk, he knew he'd ache so why not miss the gym today and go tomorrow instead.

Why couldn't you go for a walk on your own if you wanted to go?

You definitely sound a bit beaten but we have to hit the bottom to go back up OP! I understand how you feel although a slightly different set of circs. DH very demanding but v rewarding FT job, brilliant father and husband and very understanding when it comes to me needing to still be 'me' and that's the crux of it, like you said, you've lost 'you' and you need to find you again or discover a new, better you! Which is totally possible! I would be daunted too at knowing which way to turn as how the heck do you know how you'd like to spend your spare (precious) time?

Many times over the years I have come close to ditching my quite time consuming hobby because its just so damn gard committing to both DC (one SEN) and my hobby but I know for 100% fact that if I had have done, I would have lost me and that would be worse than losing my marbles with time related stress (and feeling like I can't juggle DC/DH/housework and hobby) sometimes!!

I hate the gym etc and love country walks. I found yoga in January (YouTube) after a severe bout of low mood in December. It has changed my mood dramatically. Its made me feel more in control of my own life and the health benefits are a bonus! Try it, you might like it (I scoffed at yoga for years!).. Xx

I think you are being a bit unfair. You are blaming everyone else for the situation you are in.

It's not your DH fault if your friends cancel or that you don't like the gym or don't want to go to the cinema.

I also think you need to talk to him about plans for when MiL has the children.

No housework, just something (even a walk!) for the both of you. And as it won't be a surprise, he can't say he's too tired!

Why couldn't you go for a walk on your own if you wanted to go?

Spectacular Missing the Point there!

Sounds like DH is happy for you to have some time to yourself so do it. Also you have 2 16 year olds? Surely they can babysit no and again so you and DH can go out together for a few hours.

At least you've got a plan now -

1. go to the gp
2. try some activities and get a bit of social life going for yourself
3. go back to work

I hope you feel happier and more like yourself soon .