To not understand anxiety!

[Beebeezed]

First time poster here.

I am currently on mat leave but I’m a manager of a company in charge of around 40 staff. In recent years, I have seen a huge increase in staff declaring that they suffer with anxiety. As a company, we do what we can to support these staff and I feel I’m as supportive as I can be. Since going on maternity leave I’ve had time to reflect on my role as a manager and how I can improve and feel that one thing I struggle with is actually empathising genuinely with these staff as I have literally no idea what anxiety feels like. I worry this could prohibit the staff from feeling fully supported. I’ve done a lot of research (mainly at 3am during cluster feeds ) but I’m still at a slight a loss as to what anxiety truly feels like and how it may affect you in the work place. I have felt anxious before but understand this is very different from anxiety

I’d really appreciate you sharing your experiences! And if you do have any suggestions on how your work place could/does support you would be amazing.

Just to clarify, I’m due to return to work soon and this is purely to help me with staff morale and support

I get a bit pissed off when people say they have anxiety but they're just a bit nervous, or have normal butterflies in response to something

How the hell would you know "they're just a bit nervous?"

Nobody else in r/l gets it - family are very much ‘but WHY are you anxious? Just get a grip , I’ve never felt like that etc etc’

I'm so sorry that you don't feel well supported by your family, stupid. My father can be a bit like this towards my mother. It isn't that he doesn't care, because he really does, but he mistakenly believes that "indulging" my mother's anxiety will make her feel that her fears are valid and then just make the problem worse. He genuinely thinks that being dismissive of her worries will help her to put them in perspective. I have tried over the years to make him realise that it simply doesn't work like that, but he just doesn't get it. Empathy clearly isn't his strong point...

We need to educate the whole population about mental health issues. There are so many misunderstandings and misconceptions about.

blueshoes

Because life is long, complex and unpredictable, that's why.

I will get flamed for this, but there is an increase in people saying they have anxiety because it's an easy fob-off for a GP in relation to people having normal human emotions when experiencing difficulties

I must admit I did think this reading some of the replies. As I said above I have an anxious personality type, but that is not the same as my friend who has an anxiety disorder and can't work. If OP's colleagues are in work, then perhaps, at least some of them, have anxious personality types or are suffering stress/ anxiety because of situation specific work or life issue. Presumably they need different accommodation from someone with a generalised anxiety disorder (who may not be able to hold a job down anyway).

A lot of anxiety is learned behaviour I grew up with my Nan always castrophising everything sorry I've spelt that word wrong. And my parents did the same so I've copied that and made that a habit so I worry about stupid things that don't need to be worried about, since I've had CBT it did change so much for me I realise that I had loads of bad habits like always thinking the worse, making my own assumptions about how people perceive me, I worry about stuff that will never happen, I had intrusive thoughts and thought because i have intrusive thoughts I'm not normal, turns out 98% of the population has unwanted random thoughts, it's normal, basically anxiety is a cunt but it is treatable to get you to the stage where you can move on with it and have no symptoms for years. I now only experience it when I'm stressed out but I still have loads of bad habits I need to break, one of them is constantly assessing how I feel then worrying because I'm worrying. But I'm hopeful that I will just grow out from it with the more changes I make, having cbt showed me it's not a cure but if you make the changes that benefit you and do them daily it does just go away,

My first experience of anxiety was in primary school...a girl let me borrow one of her toys and I accidentally broke it. I remember being absolutely petrified she'd ask me for it back (she never did, I think she forgot) I felt sick every day for over a year. I never told my parents who I'm sure would have helped me sort it out. I hid the broken toy under my bed and lived in absolute fear like you couldn't imagine that I'd be found out. It genuinely never occurred to me that I could tell my parents what happened.

From then on, I've never once not had a worry.

LimeKiwi- so if someone has to do a presentation in class, tells me they have butterflies and feel nervous, have no diagnosed mental illness but say they have anxiety disorder, that's OK?

I bet the percentage of people who say they have various forms of anxiety, OCD, social-anxiety etc who haven't received a formal diagnosis by a medical professional who works in mental health (not just a GP) is incredible high.

Again, it mininizes things for people who actually suffer. I guess the question is, if you've never spent time on an acute mental health ward, if you haven't been diagnosed, if you can function well as a normal human, go to work, travel, shop etc etc, do you really have anxiety? Or are you just a normal person?

Mentally my anxiety effects me by feeling constantly like something life shattering is about to happen, like I'm going to die or someone I love is, or like something very terrible is just about to happen and it's all I can think about.

Physically, I can't breathe, I can hear my heart beat loud and fast all day, I feel faint, my throat closes, my body tingles and at the same time is very tense and I feel disassociated from the world, like nothing is real and my mind is about to shut down and go completely AWOL. It's terrifying even when you're used to it and extremely hard to function when it's at its worst.

Twenty minutes in a cool, quiet room normally helps me calm down, but it's helpful to be around people who know what's happening when I'm pacing around deep breathing or acting strange, as I find it hard to communicate if I'm having an attack and there is nothing worse than having to fake that everything is fine when you think you're about to drop down dead right there and are freaking out over how the kids will manage without you.

CBT doesn't work for mental illness. It doesn't change the brain's chemistry that causes things and it can't erase trauma. It may work for very mild learnt behaviour but nothing else.

If it did, why don't they use it for things like schizophrenia or bipolar? Dementia?

I think what needs to be understood - by everyone, including those who have said they have anxiety - is that there is no one size fits all 'type'. There are clear differences between the ways it manifests in each person - one person with anxiety that manifests in one way may well not have an understanding or knowledge of the other types of anxiety that they themselves don't experience.

I do think it's the one MH condition that's been relatively 'left behind'. I think we're much better on depression for example, but anxiety I do agree is VERY very poorly understood. Yes, it can get severe enough that it stops you being able to do anything. But for many of us it's just there all the bloody time and is just a part of us that we cannot get rid of - not completely, ever. But it doesn't stop us doing anything really - I'm a senior consultant working on a £30m project at the minute - pretty crazy times, super busy, lots to do - but I also have anxiety.

I look at it like this. Whilst it doesn't stop me doing what I want (for the most part with some preferences that I'll try to accommodate and things I'll try to avoid wherever I can, and some additional planning needed to enable me to do others) I do think that as an anxious person that you pay a price for that in terms of your long term health. I heard a programme on Radio 4 once it set out how the cells in a person who had lived a hard life (low income, poor job, poor housing, lots of stresses) are actually damaged by that. And there's no doubt it is exhausting just living with it day to day. However, no one that meets me would think I had anxiety - they'd think crikey she's full on and wants to get things done (!!). I think I channel it into a demanding job role where it may be that it works as a plus for helping me to my role.

What things do I do that non anxious people probably don't do (this has an impact on time; the time I have to spend on these activities in some cases but that's in order to make me feel comfortable about the task that's to come):

• If I'm going somewhere new by car I'll plan the route, I'll check out what the approach to the building looks like, what parking there is, what the outside of the building looks like - I would never just plug in the address to my satnav and set off.
• Please don't ask me to telephone people - I absolutely HATE using the phone (don't ask me why, I don't know!!). I'll happily go off round the building and speak to someone or have a meeting or email or message
• If I'm going by train I make sure I know the full route, trains, tubes, where I'm going to park the car or get taxi to the station, write out all the tube platforms including northbound/southbound, and work out and write down the walking route from the tube station to my destination

You get the picture.

When I'm not at work? I just feel ill at ease all the time just generally, there's no particular trigger, just not fully relaxed really at any point.

So whilst someone said 'you respond to ordinary problems as though they were huge', I don't do that, but whilst a normal person would plan a train journey by getting the times then figuring out which tube stations on the fly, I will probably have to spend an hour planning it in detail. And when the day comes to do it, I don't feel especially anxious (not like Nadia was - I'm not worried about the potential for a delayed train or something like that because anything can happen to the schedule). But I need the reassurance of an intricately planned journey to enable me to face it with that level of confidence (if that makes sense).

I will avoid certain things that I find stressful - I'd NEVER go to my local large grocery store on a Saturday for instance - trying to park in a busy busy car park gives me a right sweat, hate it. I'll avoid destinations that I know have tiny difficult car parks. I've never had a panic attack, ever.

I think what a PP said is, for you as a manger OP, is to ask what support they would like and if they want to talk about what they feel makes them feel more anxious (although it's not necessarily a case of removing all triggers (and possibly quite impractical anyway)) but finding ways to help that person do their role to its fullest which also takes account of their anxiety.

Ah, myhamster - yes, not ever being late!! I'm early for flippin' everything! I could not have a partner who just rolled out the door and got everywhere 2 minutes before... shudder.

Yesterday I had to put my baby in her cot so that she would be safe while I hyperventilated and shook. I couldn't catch my breath and I was convinced I was going to die. I also thought I was going to vomit all over myself and my bedroom floor.

That happens sometimes 5x a day. Sometimes never.

Try living with that weight hanging off your shoulders.

@NCforthisone19 it does work for Anxiety it's proven, schizophrenia is one of the severest things you can have that needs medication, most Anxiety isn't to do with brain chemicals it's learnt and a lot can be picked up from environmental factors. Bi Polar is another that's to do with brain chemicals and can be hereditary , there's no proof that anxiety can be passed down genetically only by being learnt from growing up in an anxious household or environment like I did.

For me at it's worst it was a feeling of being in constant high alert and the feeling you get when someone is chasing you up the stairs, only the stairs keep on going and don't stop. I'd also have loads of bad dreams about climbing the the slope would get ridiculously steep and be upside down ugh! Medication helped alot - max dose eventually.

Now I'm on low dose and over react sometimes but it's more manageable. When I came off meds inbetween this I got very angry quickly, hence starting again and now more normal and relaxed but still prone to it on/off, not constant.

What I found helpful was flexible working (hours) and sometimes working from home. Covering constant staff sickness and falling behind with my own work made it so much worse but if you say anything then you are seen as not been able to manage your case load, working under pressure etc which is fine sometimes but gets overwhelming when everyone keeps being off.

I think you are being a bit unfair Ncforthisone19 . Not everyone's experience of every condition is exactly the same. For example I too have CPTSD and anxiety, but I do manage to work and go shopping. You might look at me and say do I really have those things? But you don't see me shaking at work, second guessing myself constantly on the most minor of tasks because I am terrified of making a mistake, going to the toilet to cry on my break, coming home and spending my days off analysing everything I did and said, what others said to me, their tone of voice etc, and being unable to let any of it go, waking up at 3am and wondering if today will be the day I get the sack despite excellent performance reports.. do I need to go on? You could look at me and say that I am so much less anxious than you externally, but you can't see the inner price I pay. And there will be thousands out there like me. We should be supporting each other, not grading according to perceived levels of suffering which can be highly subjective at best.

I'd like to know what medical license the above poster has that is adamant CBT does not work for anxiety?

Or if no medical licence are tou list speaking for yourself because it didnt work for you ?

I had CBT and it immensely improved my anxiety, it's still had a hugely positive effect now I dont go anymore. I couldn't get the time off work to attend appointments

I still have anxiety, but it's not meawlt as crippling as it was, and I have CBT to thank for that.

There's also evidence now that using CBT can change neuro pathways in the brain to break habits etc and stop sending anxious messages as such to the brain

I don't underestimate one whit how bad anxiety can be, but I do query whether all the people who claim to have it really do, and it does make me angry that that may lead to a backlash against genuine sufferers. I've seen people who claim to have anxiety who clearly don't have anything remotely resembling the symptoms referred to on here, and who characterise a vague worry or nervousness as clinical anxiety; or, worse, who only produce it when asked to do something they don't want to do.

Nearly as crippling*

I agree that CBT does help. It's the reason that despite everything I am able, so far, to cope with having a job.

@IAmNotPatientOrPregnant I was the same I still am I still suffer time to time but before I had cbt I was a nervous anxious wreck for 9 months, I couldn't even take my children to school because I felt like I was going to die or have a mental breakdown it was awful.

NCforthisone. I’m sorry you’ve been through so much with your illness but it’s not a competition. Just because someone hasn’t been sectioned or whatever doesn’t mean they aren’t genuinely struggling.

Think of how many people commit suicide. Men in particular. It’s because they don’t talk about it, live a normal life and do normal things- then it all becomes too much.

Equally if you have anxiety and are functioning your feelings are just as valid. I appear to be quite normal. I go to work, I’m a good Mum to my daughter but honestly it is hell sometimes.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here (even though this is AIBU), and that she is doing the right thing by asking for help understanding others' anxiety.

I've been guilty of not "understanding" the anxiety and depression of my nearest and dearest; I've been known to reply "oh grow up, pull yourself together and stop moaning about imaginary problems"; while conveniently forgetting times I used to be anxious; I used to have very real anxiety about making phone calls, for instance.

Re your staff, a practical suggestion I would make is to make sure there are clear procedures for when things go wrong. Made a mistake? Here's what to do about it, and do not try to cover it up. I had a lot of childhood anxiety from fear of being punished for mistakes, at home and at school, and I got into a spiral of lying and covering things up.

CBT can work for learned behaviours, as I've stated, but has no impact on brain chemistry.

The poster above who has said anxiety is all learned is wrong. My brain chemistry has significantly changed from before I had my mental illnesses, as a result of medication and hormonal imbalances. It categorically cannot be treated by CBT.

You sound like my in laws OP. My in laws think anxiety is mental weakness, and therefore that I'm just not trying hard enough at life. I think how wonderful would it be to wake up one morning without feeling cold dread. If that's weakness then yes, I am weak.

I do know that my FiL spent his entire life instilling order into every aspect of his existence, and that if that wasn't a symptom of extreme anxiety I don't know what is.

I had a friend who I confined in when I started CBT and explained about anxiety. She was really understanding for a week or so and then she got all "I have anxiety too" over everything and anything, like she turned it into an expression "it gives me so much anxiety"

She called anxiety cute once. I haven't been able to shake it since.