Accent, class and feeling like a fish out of water

[fishoutofwine]

Have name changed as moan about this a irl and think combined with my other posts would put me.

However, in the last year have moved to a very “of money” up market area (sort of imagine Hampstead garden suburb but not).

I have found that thanks so my strong accent and penchant for wearing ordinary clothes seems to be setting me ok a back foot.

I know some of this may be my own insecurities however habe had issues such as - neighbour in gazillion pound house assuming that when I said no to her builders using my garden for a loo talking slowly and patiently to me like I’m an idiot, when walking my dog around the local area other dog walkers asking if I’ve come far (quite enjoy pointing and saying “no I live there” and just low lever snobbery.

While fully aware that this is to some degree a nice problem to have, it does make me feel like crap (and like moving back to my perfectly nice area I was before).

I guess it’s more wwyd and how can I deal with it.

[Nonnymum]

Don't change your accent, just be who you are. Go about your business normally, be polite and friendly, act normally and ignore any perceived snobbery. Act as if you belong there because you do. You have nothing to be ashamed of. They will either start being friendly or not, if not you are not missing out on anything.

[funnylittlefloozie]

Any area with a Residents' Association is generally a bit Margotville! Just crack on and do your thing, OP.

In my experience, the initial impression of an area is usually caused because the first few people to approach you are often the bossy, nosy self-appointed "influencers". When those people are nice, you get a positive impression of the place. When they are less nice, or snobbish -socially insecure- then you get a more negative vibe.

Oh, and there is nothing wrong with Hampstead Garden Suburb. There are quite a lot of odd people there, but they are mostly very pleasant. I went to school there and liked it very much indeed.

[Cyberworrier]

Outing myself as Radio 4 fan- Brian Walden on Point of View discussing accents and class this morning, OP.

[imjustanerd]

I have a similar thing Op, very identifying accent which no one could mistake where I'm from within an instant of meeting me.

Unfortunately where I am from has certain stereotypes attached to it which isn't good, but I've found most people where I'm living now take me as I am but there are some who you know talk to you and treat you differently.
Maybe that's me projecting my insecurities onto others, I don't know but I do notice it sometimes particularly with little snide comments.
It's makes you incredibly anxious and me being quite outgoing can find myself being a bit quiet sometimes so people don't notice as much.

I've often wanted to go home because I do feel like I don't fit in (humour in particular which some people take as arrogance), but my ds has settled here and has friends.

It makes me laugh to hear my ds speak so beautifully people must often think I've kidnapped him and he's not mine. Another reason not for me to take him back home, I actually believe he'll do better in life because he has the "right" accent and can just blend into whatever he wants to do. I hate having to admit that as it is so wrong but sadly true.

[RosaWaiting]

asking to put Portaloos in your garden is really CF behaviour!

I'm not sure re accents etc as I am currently in the horrible process of trying to get to know locals - after a bunch of local friends moved away - and people say all kinds of stupid crap. I've found myself replying with stupid crap so maybe I'll become someone I hate, who knows.

btw curious about the conservation area - does that mean there are rules about people doing building work etc? I would actually love to live in a place like that tbh!

i know what you mean about living all over London and being perceived in all different ways. Maybe just see how it goes. Sounds like there are loads of pluses to living there so worth a try!

[borntobequiet]

I’m an ordinary person with a normal job but I live in an extraordinary place, an apartment in a listed Jacobean manor house (currently in need of major repairs but looks amazing). It’s fairly remote so hard to get cleaners, so I do the monthly cleaning in the common parts - keeps me fit with four flights of stairs, and I enjoy it. I have at times been patronised and talked down to by visitors/prospective buyers who are later somewhat embarrassed when they realise I’m a director of the management company.

[Tableclothing]

I want to know more about the "ordinary clothes" OP wears vs the extraordinary clothes the locals are in. What are the differences?

You've lived there less than a year and it takes time to build up new relationships, especially if it's people that you don't see every day. It also takes a while to get a flavour of the group norms where you are. There are communities where refusing to let a neighbour borrow your garden for a bit could come across as quite aloof/unhelpful/deliberately awkward - particularly if the previous inhabitant of your home was a bend-over-backwards-for-anyone type. (then again, they could have just been trying it on, but who knows?)

Some of what you're saying sounds like you may be reading to much into things. It's not unreasonable for a dog walker to think another person walking dogs might be a dog walker too. And some people just speak slowly (especially in comparison to Liverpudlians! I'm from the eastern side of the country and the rhythms of the Scouse accent are pretty alien to me. Add that to the 60 mph pace the Scousers I know all seem to talk at and I sometimes struggle to follow).

In response to the wwyd? - as far as possible, be nice, be patient, assume that people are thinking the best. Don't look for insults where there aren't any. Don't go into the group trying to change things straightaway.

[fishoutofwine]

Wow - this has moved on since I fell asleep. For info - my grammar is absolutely fine, my phone keyboard however is not - hence a load of typos.

[fishoutofwine]

@tableclothing - ordinary clothes - I walk the dog in things like jeans and a t-shirt as opposed to colour co-ordinated creations. Red jeans are very very popular amongst the menfolk here

[nettie434]

I have never really understood why people think that people’s writing style on here mirrors something they would produce at work. Here, most people are trying to type quickly, have ‘fat finger’ problems from using a phone, or have missed strange errors caused by autocorrect.

There are some good tips, fishoutofwine. I am now looking forward to a new thread from Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells or similar about the neighbour who has installed a swimming pool with flume and/or fire pole while loudly practising swearing in Spanish.

[SaskiaRembrandt]

Why do people keep mentioning Liverpudlian accents? The OP has already stated she comes from London.

[fishoutofwine]

@RosaWaiting Exactly that. Building work needs to be approved and there’s a fee which is additional to what you pay the local authority, service charges to maintain the roads etc.

It is lovely, and I think I will take on board the kinder comments and have some patience.

[XiCi]

Oh the irony ohiseeyou. A lengthy post criticising the OP's grammar and Liverpool accent when you simply cannot read. The OP is from London and has an estuary accent which you would know if you actually bothered to read before you jumped onto giving your pathetic little rant. Exactly the type of person the OP is talking about.

[Geraniumpink]

Oh - I can see the type of person you mean, now you have mentioned red jeans! There will be kinder people amongst them. Navigate with caution.

[nettie434]

-Saskatoon- Saskia
Because they did not read the .... thread (or even the poster’s posts). Not hopeful crossing out will work

[Tableclothing]

OK, scrub the stuff about Scouse accents.

But did the woman who spoke to you slowly turn away and start speaking much faster to everyone else? Or might that be her usual way of speaking?

[fishoutofwine]

@tableclothing she was speaking only to me on my front driveway so no way of knowing really. However it was more than she was explaining why I should be ok with her builders putting their portaloos in my front garden as if explaining to a three year old.

In retrospect, perhaps she is just a terrible terrible neighbour.

[lasttimeround]

Give it a bit of time. It a weird jolt when you realise that in a particular context how people see you can be really different. But it takes some time to work out the nuances and therefore your response options. Believe me I know. I'm BME, highly educated very respected in my field and used to that. Had that kind of jolt engaging in school council stuff where theres a huge cohort who assume I barely have high school education or am really ghetto. I'm not used to it to say the least. Some people adjust their prejudices over time, others stick to them like glue and will come up with 'facts' about me to justify their views.
You'll have to see who gets their head round you and who doesn't. In my view the former are fine. People categorize others and sometimes being unusual in their context means they miscategorise you. That's stereotyping but we all do it. When it's wrong is when people don't adjust their categories but keep trying to stuff you back into a particular box. Good luck. And dont be afraid to be quite forward in setting people straight in a friendly way. Dont leave too much implicit. Be more direct than you would usually.

[lasttimeround]

And your neighnout may well just be a CF who knows.

[Vulpine]

Just have fun with it. It's good to not fit in

[funnylittlefloozie]

Ah, red jeans. Say no more. I bet they wear fedora hats as well. Wait until the summer, when the panamas and linen suits come out, it will be like living in a Grahan Greene novel!

Disclaimer- the above statement is affectionate satire. Some of my kindest, most eccentric friends wear red jeans.

[fishoutofwine]

It a weird jolt when you realise that in a particular context how people see you can be really different.
I think that’s exactly it, and it’s not something I’ve encountered before. In a work setting you’re judged on results so it doesn’t ever really come up, and as I mentioned this area is literally where I grew up, though of course not this particular part of it.

As an aside dh has a similar accent and doesn’t feel quite as I do, but on the other hand, he doesn’t really ever come into contact with the neighbours etc.

[fishoutofwine]

@funnylittlefloozie fedora hats are in abundance - I find it all quite endearing - I call one man I see often the “pastel man” as he wears a range of snazzy fully coordinated outfits in several shades (right down to the socks).

[Waveysnail]

Send residence association an email with your professional advice with it. Perhaps they will listen if its written down

[Hollowvictory]

Are you in London? I'd imagine the richest people in London are foreign and have strong accents.